Thursday, August 30, 2007

Vacation

So it's 8:40 in the evening the night before we leave on vacation and a few things keep running through my mind. I'm a little anxious about calling in sick to work tomorrow, I hate doing that, no matter what happens. They can't say much though, I'm gonna be sick tomorrow...lol. Second, I'm anxious about the drive, which I always get a little nervous about. Then I can't stop thinking about Rich. Yeah, I'm gonna be gone only a week, but I can't stand being away for a day, how am I gonna last like two weeks without him? I don't know. I know I'll make it, I always do, but to not be able to hug him and kiss him? It just sucks.

I am looking forward to being away from here for a week though. Sometimes you just have to get away. As they say distance brings people closer...yeah right...sure...lol.

So I probably will check in again the following week after I get back from vacation, just to warn ya :)

Ok, so I saw Carrie Underwood in concert for the second time in two years last Sunday. She was with Rodney Atkins at the New York State Fair, and both were amazing performances!! She is the one artist I will pay to see over and over again. My throat was a touch sore the following day from the screaming and I was on five hours of sleep to go to work that day, but it's all worth it to see her. She's the only past American Idol contestant I have ever voted for. I can't wait for her newest CD at the end of October.

Anyway, vacation time is awaiting...need to get my sleep. Have a wonderful week!!

Sunday, August 19, 2007

A day...that's all it is...

So...yesterday I was having one of those days. You know, I love weekends. For one, I don't have to work an 8 hour day at the paper, for two I get to typically see Rich. Sometimes spend time with him outside of work, sometimes not, but either way, I love just being able to see him. Then the time goes where it's time to go our seperate ways. It always sucks, having to say goodbye and not sure when we're gonna see each other again. Yeah...probably the next Saturday, but it still sucks. Sometimes it hurts to just talk to him on the computer because it's not the same, but oh well, another sucky week on the way. So where'd my good attitude go? Home with Rich :( I'll be ok again by tomorrow, but Sunday's are hard. I don't know what else to do...

Saturday, August 18, 2007

No :(

All I'm going to say is it's not going to be as easy as I thought...I don't know how much more I can take...

Friday, August 17, 2007

Day #1

So I guess this is technically day #1 of the new me. I don't feel different, lol. What a day to start this. Friday's are usually ok in the morning because I get out at 11 and don't have to worry about anything else, but I still have to go in later tonight, and that's when my mood starts to go down. Around 4:00 or so knowing that in a few hours I'm headed back in. I hate working Friday nights. However, I'm gonna try to change that attitude. Yes I have to work, but in one week is my Carrie concert, in two weeks is my vacation, and even better, tomorrow I get to see Rich. Not for nearly long enough but what would my life be like if I got everything I wanted? Oh yeah...pretty damn good.

So yeah...what a day.

Moving on however, my mom is turning 50 next year!! The big 5-0...and for my dad's 50th we did a huge party for him, of course I was the DJ, so my dad and I have been talking and we want to do something for my mom too. That's where I come in, I do powerpoint presentations...they take months to put together, scanning pictures, editing music, putting together the presentation. But they come out really nice. I've done three so far. The first one my mom and I did together for my dad's 50th birthday. I did the music, she did the presentation. Then for my older sisters college graduation I did one all by myself for her, and the third was for my little sister's high school graduation. I love doing those. Wish I could go into business doing it, but the equipment and time would consume it all and if I wasn't sure how much money would come in on it, it's not worth it yet. I think people would really get into it though. They're are so much fun to put together. Anyway, any great suggestions to make my mom's totally awesome? Like better then all the others? lol. Her birthday's not until next August (yes she just had it) but with work, I don't know how much time it'll take me to put it together, so I thought I'd start early. So if you have suggestions, definitely let me know!! What about a theme for the party? For my dad's we did the "it's a boy" theme, you know like all blue and kids things, like a baby shower type thing. So we need to come up with something awesome. Let's put our heads together *ouch* that had to hurt...hehe...ok, anyway, just leave some ideas!! I'll keep ya updated on the development of the party ideas!!

So what now? I'm bored..hmm...guess I'm off to find something good to do. Day #1 is going ok :)

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Revelation

So here I am...another day kinda behind me. Not really, still have to go voicetrack the overnight and then going to a village board meeting tonight before Big Brother at 8...don't know if I'll be home in time for that though.

Anyway, I did some thinking yesterday and think I came up with something. I need to start to take control of my life. Nothing is going to change unless I want it to change. If I don't like my job well it's time to start doing something about it. If I'm not happy with myself it's time to start doing something to change that. If I don't feel good then it's time to look at why that's the case and what I can do to change it.

So I started doing that today. Well, technically yesterday. I e-mailed the guy from the OD and set up kind of a "phone interview" type thing. I'm calling hime tomorrow after I get home from work. That's the first part. I start excercising again and I wore a skirt for the first time to work, and believe it or not I had a good day. The editor interviewed someone else for the open reporter job, and him and I got along really good today. So I'm doing ok right now. I'm going to try to change myself...gradually...but nonetheless change. I want to be a happier more active person. Not someone who just works and sleeps...although work does consume many hours in my days lately. I need to stop relying on people or expecting anything from people, when I'm capable of doing things myself. I can be independent too! lol.

So what brought on this sudden change? Well...two people actually. They probably don't know it, but my mom flipped out yesterday at me and my sister. As much as it hurts when she gets like that, she made some sort of sense in a weird type of way. Then it was Rich...so he's reading this going what? :) (Am I right?) lol...but yeah, I'm not going into too much detail but I know he can get upset/irritated with me when I rant about things, maybe not even that...but he gets irritated with me. It's not worth losing someone I care deeply about. The last thing I want is to push anyone away, so I'm going to try to change my attitude.

I know I know...easier said then done, but we'll see and I'll keep ya updated :) Hope you have a wonderful day!!

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Remember Me This Way...

"Remember Me This Way" from the movie Casper...if you were meant to get this you will...you know who you are...

Every now and then We find a special friend Who never lets us down Who understands it all Reaches out each time you fall You're the best friend that I've found I know you can't stay But part of you will never ever go away Your heart will stay

I'll make a wish for you And hope it will come true That life will just be kind To such a gentle mind If you lose your way Think back on yesterday Remember me this way Remember me this way

I don't need eyes to see The love you bring to me No matter where I go And I know that you'll be there Forever more a part of me You're everywhere I'll always care

I'll make a wish for you And hope it will come true That life will just be kind To such a gentle mind If you lose your way Think back on yesterday Remember me this way Remember me this way

And I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you I'll be standing by your side in all you do And I won't ever leave As long as you believe You just believe

I'll make a wish for you And hope it will come true That life will just be kind To such a gentle mind If you lose your way Think back on yesterday Remember me this way Remember me this way This way

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

So Small

So Carrie released her new single yesterday...it's called "So Small" and of couse being that I am a Carrie fan it's obvious I'm going to love anything that has her name attached to it, but when I heard the song it was different. It's so true, and if you know me at all you know that it fits me almost perfectly. It brings tears to my eyes...so even though you can't take a listen to it right here and here how it's supposed to, take a look at the lyrics...beautiful...

What you got if you aint got love? The kind that you just wanna give away It's okay to open up Go ahead and let the light shine through I know it's hard on a rainy day You wanna shut the world out And just be left alone Don't run out on your dreams

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing Is just a grain of sand What you've been out there searching for forever, Is in your hands When you figure out love is all that matters, after all It sure makes everything else Seem so small

So easy to get lost inside A problem that seems so big, at the time It's like a river that's so wide And swallows you whole While you sittin round thinking about what you can't change And worryin' about all the wrong things Time's flying by, moving so fast Better make it count, cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing Is just a grain of sand What you've been out there searchin for forever Is in your hands Oh, When you figure out love is all that matters after all It sure makes everything else Seem so small

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing Is just a grain of sand What you've been out there searchin for forever Is in your hands Oh, When you figure out love is all that matters after all It sure makes everything else Oh it sure makes everything else Seem so small

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Stress...

So I told you I'd try to check in more often...how am I don't so far? lol...well a lot has been going on with me lately...mainly stress related. Haven't been feeling well lately and the only un-related stress item in my life is hardly ever around...and it gets kinda iritating that I can't get what I want at times. It feels like I'm not supposed to or something. Or it's a trial on my part to see how I will deal with it. Anyway, with all this stress and wicked headaches I have been trying to come up with things to do to de-stress me, since my stress-reliever is hardly around. So came across this article, stress is a growing trend among people so this might help you as well, wanted to share it with you. It's from Ladies Home Journal...

What's Your Stress Weak Spot? By: Susan Seliger

Unless, perhaps, you make your permanent home on a beach in Tahiti, stress will affect your body sooner or later. But it may not affect your body the same way it does someone else's. Each of us has a characteristic way of reacting to stress - our very own stress weak spot or place in the body where igns of stress first pop up.

One person may get indigestion under stress, another may have back pain. Some people react by getting a pounding headache or acne. Your particular stress weak spot has a number of possible sources. Genetics is one predisposing factor, says Kenneth R. Pelletier, Ph.D., a clinical professor or medicine at the University of Arizona School of Medicine. For example, you may have a family history of gastro-intestinal disease, heart disease or migraine. Or you might have habits that predispose you to experiencing stress in a particular spot, such as tensing your neck in a rigid position (which can cause a tension headaches.) Being out of shape might predispose you to feeling stress in the form of a backache.

These different health effects all stem from the flood of hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol, that your brain tells the body to release when you feel threatened. These speed up heart rate and breathing, constrict peripheral blood flow (in your hands and feet) and slow down digestion and immune functions so the body can fully devote itself to action, says Beverly Thorn, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Alabama. "Stress challenges all of our organ systems and eats away at our immune system."

A short-term stress response is healthy, unless you trigger it so often that your body has little chance to recover. Chronic stress results in the body breaking at its weakest spot first-like a chain giving way at is weakest link.

But people don't always make the connection between the pain they're feeling and the stress that caused it. When recurring headaches or backaches drive them to seek medical care and the physician can't find a physical cause, patients sometimes wind up being told, "It's all in your head," without being offered solutions to handle the stress triggers or the genuine pain they're in.

In fact, self-care solutions exist, through many are known chiefly to stress experts. The latest research shows that all of us can learn techniques that significantly reduce the physical and mental impact of stress as well as the release of stress hormones. What's more, these can be targeted to your individual stress weak point.

We asked stress experts to recommend doable remedies for the most common stress weak spots. Most of these techniques are twofers: They are effective not only in treating their primary target but also in causing stress throughout the body. None of them preclude resorting to physical remedies as well, such as taking aspirin for a headache. The more skillful you become with these stress-fighting techniques, the close you can get to a healthier, more pleasurable, stressless life.

Number 1: Stomach

Stress Symptoms: Queasiness, Heartburn, Abdominal pain, Diarrhea

When people see a doctor for GI (gastrointestinal) distress, chronic stress is frequently the underlying cause, says Wendy Warner, M.D., an ob-gyn in Langhorne, Pennsylvania, and president of the American Board of Holistic Medicine. Treating the pain won't solve the problem more than temporarily.

Your Stress Response: Stress hormones temporarily slow down digestion of food in the stomach, then increase the secretion of stomach acids. They also increase the speed at which food moves through the intestines. The result can be various upper GI complaints, increased inflammation of the stomach lining, diarrhea, or intestinal spasms that worse irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) or ulcerative colitis in those who have it. Stress hormones also make the body release glucose, which can raise blood sugar, especially if you already have increased insulin resistance. If this occurs repeatedly, it can bring on or aggravate diabetes.

Health Check: If you experience acute or chronic stomach distress, see a doctor to rule out a serious condition such as ulcers or heart disease.

Stress Relievers:

  • Yoga for IBS: Yoga has been shown to be effective in helping treat distress from IBS that can come about with chronic stress. In one study from the department of physiology of the All India Institute of Medical Sciences, in New Delhi, doing yoga poses plus right-nostril breathing twice a day was even more effective than conventional drug treatment for people with diarrhea resulting from IBS. One of the poses used in the study is shashankasana (sometimes called the hare of moon pose). To do this you can sit on the floor or bed, knees bent with your feet tucked under your buttocks, so you are sitting on the soles of your feet. Hold on to your ankles and bend forward while exhaling and let your forehead tourch the ground in front of you (while keeping your buttocks on your heels). Hold this position for as long as you feel comfortable, then slowly and gently come upright. Repeat 10 to 15 times.
  • Focused Meditation: Meditation can help reduce the symptoms of abdominal pain (bloating, gas and diarrhea) that can result from stomach distress, according to two studies at the Center for Stress and Anxiety Disorders at the University of Albany State University of New York. It can also potentially ease the discomfort of excess acid, says Dr. Thorn. Sit in a quiet place, breathe deeply and regularly, and repeat a simple calming phrase, over and over: My stomach feels warm and calm.

Number 2: Head

Stress Symptoms: Tension headaches, migraine headaches

Stress is one of the commonest triggers for both types of headaches. "I have migraines myself," says Dr. Thorn. "I was born with the predisposition for the blood vessels to squeeze shut and then dilate, which causes the headache pain. But stress is absolutely what starts the process." But you-not your genetic endowment-can have the final word. "Too often, people ignore the warning signals," insists Dr. Thorn. "They don't respond to the cues before they get out of control such as by taking a break or relaxing."

The same holds true for people who get tension headaches, Dr. Thorn says. They do nothing to counter the eyestrain, clenched jaw, teeth grinding at night or tightness in the head and neck that often precedes a painful tension headache.

Your Stress Response: If you get tension headaches, you probably tend to clench the teeth or tighten the muscles of the brow, jaw or eyes. For migraine sufferers, the blood vessel expansion that's part of the stress response causes the arteries in the head to spasm, resulting in severe pain, usually on one side of the head, negative response to light and/or noise and often nausea or vomiting.

Health Check: In rare cases when a headache comes on suddenly and is very severe - or doesn't go away - it could signal a stroke or brain tumor. Consult a doctor pronto. It's also the best way to get access to powerful medications to ease the pain.

Stress Relievers:

  • For tension headaches: Temple and Scalp Massage: At the first signs, breathe slowly and deeply, then place your thumbs on your cheekbones close to your ears and use your fingertips to gently apply pressure and rub the temples, advises Dale Grust, a licensed massage therapist in New Paltz, New York. Next, using firm pressure and a tiny circular motion, inche your fingertips along the base of your skull.
  • For migraines: Cool Head, Warm Hands: Dr. Pelletier recommends this autogenous technique: "Think of your limbs as heavy and warm and your forehead as cool." After training with a therapist and using bio-feedback equipment, many patients learn to relieve pain by redirecting blood flow from the brain and head to the arms and legs.

Number 3: Neck, Shoulders and Back

Stress Symptoms: Neck and shoulder tightness and pain, lower back pain.

Not all back pain is caused by stress. But stress makes nearly all back pain worse, Dr. Thorn says.

Your Stress Response: If you routinely tense the muscles surrounding your neck, shoulders and back when you're stressed out, you're a candidate for stress induced back pain. "When sitting, many people under stress tend to slump from the waist and hunch their shoulders," says Dr. Warner. "They walk and drive that way, too, and then they wounder why they get neck and shoulder tension and backaches." Try the following messures to counter the tendencies:

Stress Relievers:

  • Posture Adjustments: Correct your posture many times throughout the day. Gently stretch-shaking your head (yes and no) and rolling your shoulders forward and back. Cross and uncross your legs. Don't always sling your purse over the same shoulder. Shift your weight often when standing. Get up every 30 minutes to stretch or take a walk.
  • Chest-Muscle Strenghtening: Weak chest muscles make your back muscles tighten to compensate, says Dr. Warner. Do this exercise for your pecs several times a week: lie down. Hold a one to two-pound dumbbell in each hand with arms straight up in the air, palms forward, toward each other. Slowly lover your arms to chest level, then slowly raise them straight into the air again. Repeat 10 times.
  • Progressive Relaxation: Hunch your shoulders to tighten shoulder and neck muscles, hold for three seconds and release. Repeat five times. This works on the physiological fact that a muscle has to be tensed before it can be relaxed, says Dr. Pelletier.

Number 4: Skin and Hair

Stress Symptoms: Exzema, Acne, Hives, Hair loss, Dandruff or an itchy scalp

Although it is a link doctors often fail to make, stress is actually a major trigger of skin and hair problems.

Your Stress Response: When your brain registers a stress alarm, one effect is heightened sensitivity in every organ, including the skin. Unfortunately, if stress becomes chronic, it can spark a host of responses in susceptible indivudals, including inflammation, allergies and imbalances that lead to acne, rashes, hives and eczema. Inflammation affecting the scalp can produce dandruff and itchiness. And stress-induced hormone charges can cause hair loss.

Stress Releivers:

  • Visualization: Deep breathing while visualzing something cool can reduce blood flow and inflammation in that area, Dr. Pelletier advises. "Try imagining an ice-pack or a cool breeze or cool water flowing over the irritated skin," he says.
  • Skin-Soothing Excercises: Vigorous excercise encourages sweating, which can help clean out pores and stimulate blood circulation, another way to promote skin healing. It also stimulates the release of endorphins, which elevate mood and enable your entire body, including an overactive immune system, to calm down. "Excercise cures a lot of stress-related ills because it makes you feel good," says Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., founder of Mind Body Health Sciences and cofounder of the Claritas Institute for Interspiritual Inquiry.

Ok - that's the article, and if you're prone to stress like me, hopefully this will help you a bit. I don't know if it will help me or not, but I guess it's worth a shot.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Top 10

Well I'm back again. Haven't felt well for about 2 weeks now. Can't call out of work because everyone is on vacation and it leaves me watching them all go andme just waiting waiting and waiting for my damn vacation in September. Anyway...found something here that I thought was interesting and thought I would share...kind of interesting... Top 10 "Bad" Things That Are Good For You
  • Number 10: Beer: The newest bad kid on the block, beer has long been overshadowed by its healthier alcoholic cousins. While no one's suggesting you switch that glass of antioxident-rich Pinot Noir for a tall glass of lager - there's still that beer gut to worry about - new research has suggested that moderate beer intake can actually improve cardiovascular function. Now if only a scientist will discover the health benefits of ballpark franks and chicken wings. Heaven. (Comment: Not a beer drinker, but hey whatever works)

  • Number 9: Anger: If you're one of those people who tends to bottle things up, only to explode...don't hold it in so long. Studies show that bursts of anger here and there are good for the health, and can be an even more effective coping mechanism than becoming afraid, irritated or disgusted. Anger, like the consumables in this list, however, is best in moderation: stay angry for long periods of time and you'll be plagued with a host of health issues, like blood pressur, sleep disorders and lung damage. (Comment: so maybe I souldn't bottle up my anger all the time? That one will be hard...I don't confront many people when I'm angry)

  • Number 8: Coffee: Java is one of the most debated substances around. Is it good for you? Is it bad for you? Both? The consensus, now anyways, seems to favor those who enjoy their morning jolt - unrelated studies claim coffee is a major source of antioxidants in our diet and can help lower your risk of diabetes. Something in the beans is also thought to ease the onset of irrhosis of the liver and pancreatitis, good news for those who like to party hard all night before their morning caffeine boost. (Comment: Coffee!! My life!!)

  • Number 7: LSD: We're definitely not in the business of advocating drug use. But check out this interesting science: In heavy drinkers, small doses of LSD have been thought to help bypass the rock-bottom stage of alcoholism and prevent relapses. These studies - some decades old - were done in closely monitored, clinical settings; many patients haven't had a drink in the many years since. It's an interesting finding that needs a lot more investigation, and not a remedy that should ever be tried at home. Meantime - and this may come as no surprise - a recent study of 36 volunteers who took an LSD-like drug in a lab setting had them reporting mystical experiences and behavior changes that lasted for weeks. (Comment: No LSD for me)

  • Number 6: Sunlight: Exposure to the sun's rays is necessary to survive, but can also kill you in gross, cancerous quantities. Asthmatics, at least, could benefit from measured doses of ultraviolet rays, according to scientists. Sunlight suppressed the immune reactions that cause asthma in some lab studies with mice and could be used to treat humans afflicted with the disease in the future. And sunlight - even if indirect, such as on a shaded porch - is known to boost the mood. Extra sunlight can help office workers avoid afternoon drowsiness, a recent study found. There's still no excuse to head outside and bake, however. (Comment: I love my sun!! Can be bad for me since I burn quite often, but sunlight is my friend)

  • Number 5: Maggots: They're creepy, slimy and altogether ooky, but maggots can save your life. These squirmy larvae are science's newest wonder-cure and were approved in 2003 as the Food and Drug Administration's only live medical device. Placed on serious wounds, maggots mimic their "wild" lifestyle and munch on bacteria and dead tissue, stimulating healing and helping to prevent infection. (Comment: That's just disturbing and disgusting on so many levels)

  • Number 4: Marijuana: It's medical, we swear! Marijuana, often associated with memory loss, is ironically now being hyped as a way to stave off the ultimate form of memory loss- Alzheimer's. Recent studies on mice suggest that anti-inflammatories found in the drug prevent the clumping of brain proteins, one major cause of the disease. So when should you start preventative therapy? We suggest waiting for the human studies to wrap up. (Comment: It really is supposed to help when you're in pain, even though it's not legal yet)

  • Number 3: Red Wine: A crucial ingredient in the diets of the world's heart-healthiest populations - like those Bordeaux-guzzling French - red win has long been known to have potent anti-cancer and artery-protecting benefits. The key, some studies indicate, is an antioxidant found specifically in the skin of red wine grapes, called resveratrol. The latest studies even link resveratrol to greater endurance, a reduction in gum disease and Alzheimer's. White wine, which is fermented after the skins are removed, is less beneficial according to some studies. (Comment: Wine is good...but I don't care for red wine, too dry)

  • Number 2: Chocolate: Chocolate lovers rejoice: study after study lately has touted the magical benefits of the indulgent treat, which is packed with the antioxidant flavonols that prevent certain cancers and keep your arteries from clogging. The most recent news? These powerful chemicals may even increase blood flow to the brain, warding off dementia. Just stick to the highest cocoa content possible - the bars packed with sugar don't help your health one bit. (Comment: Wish I could actually have chocolate)

  • Number 1: Sex: Scientists have found that the benefits of sex go beyond immediate, ahem, gratification and satisfying the goal of procreation. Besides the obvious evolutionary purposes, we can all take pleasure in the news that having sex is an easy way to reduce stress, lower cholesterol and improve circulation throughout the body. As if you needed another excuse. (Comment: Need I say anything? Stress reliever for sure!!)

Enough said...think it's all been said :)

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Ramblings of a journalist/DJ

Well its been a long time since I've written one of these, so I kinda just thought an update was needed. That's the general reason for this. I'm keeping way too busy working, and have kicked off another job search. I thought this was over after I got a full time job at the Telegram, but ask everyone around you and they will agree that I am extremely stressed and in need of time off yet again because I work twice as much as I'm home. It's insane. Probably most of it is because we are short a reporter and Eric (my fellow reporter) and me are stretching ourselves thin trying to cover all night meetings and events along with other important Herkimer County news. In addition to that, I'm working typically 6 days a week at the station since I'm the overnight voicetracker and I keep wondering if it's worth it. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the radio station, I have determined that's where my real passion lies. But I feel underappreciated in some sense. I know you're not in radio for the money, and that's fine, I don't do it for the money, but making minimum wage to me is insane! People working at fast food restaurants make more then me...tell me that's not wrong. That's been bothering me lately, maybe it's just because I'm there so much more now. I work a full day at the paper and have to go in to voicetrack the overnight. For the most part I'm just trying to keep my foot in the door at the station in case something happens to open up. So I'm stressed most of the time, tired all the time, and kinda snippy at most people most of the time. I've learned to keep my mouth shut lately 'cause if I don't I snap at people because I get irritated and upset for sometimes no reason at all. Maybe it's the fact that I have no way to unwind or no one to really turn to for comfort. I don't know what it could be...other then the fact that I am working way too much. I keep hearing 'you're young you can do it.' Well...to all those that will say that...I challenge you to work all day and only spend 3 or 4 hours, if that, at home, not including sleeping time. I just keep wondering why the hell I do it. I'm not happy anymore. I used to love to write. Now, I don't get to write for fun anymore because by the time I get home I've spent all day writing and I don't want to do it when I get home. I miss writing for fun. I unwind when I write...but at work it's full of stress and pressure having to come up with at least two stories a day, and if you don't you get a freaking disappointed look by the editor and you wanna say, 'why the hell don't you try to come up with a story when no one calls you back.' I've been talking to the reporter who left a couple months after I started and she sited the same thing as one reason she left. She told me to give it time and if I still feel like I need to leave, then do so. Well if they don't hire another reporter soon, I'm seriously thinking about it, hence the job search. Anyway, that's the reason I haven't checked in for more than a month...I'm way too busy working, but on the same note I'm trying to keep myself busy in some sense to keep my mind off other things (not going there)...anyway, these are the senseless ramblings of me...hopefully I'll start to check in more often.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

tired

The last thing I think of when I go to bed at night is what the next day holds. Good, bad, and otherwise. Usually I know it's going to be full of stress and longing to be somewhere else. This past week I have gotten into doing the editing side of things and have really started to like it. I miss the writing and covering things, so I'm glad to do that again. But a week of doing it isn't all that bad. However, sometimes I just wish things could be different. I could have enough time for me and the ones I love. I'm beginning to ask myself the question 'Why am I doing this to myself?' The answer to that is far from easy. I just want to feel needed and loved sometimes. I know there are people that care about me and want me to succeed, however I still have the feeling of longing and depression waiting for something, anything to help me feel a little bit better about myself. I love being able to laugh and smile and be happy. It doesn't happy often during the week. Maybe it's from the stress of each workday, maybe it's from people not caring enough about me, I don't know. I still feel the heat and the intensity of each passing day. I smile as the sun beats down on my face, I look up at the sky when the sun is covered by clouds and the rain starts to come down, I watch the flowers bloom under the spring weather. I take in everything and enjoy every second of it. You never know when it could be cut short. I'm a person who needs the physical, emotional and mental closeness of people to be able to make it through each day. Typically I go day to day doing just the motions. Just once I would like to have a week where I didn't have only 2 hours to spend at home, besides sleeping time. I'd like to feel like I'm worth something to someone. I'd like to not have so many things crammed into one week and lastly I'd like to figure out if what I'm doing right now is right for me. Not when it comes to work, but on a more personal level. Should I be dealing with all this stress that comes along with what I really want? Why is it so hard to just be happy? I'm just so tired of the games and the stress that comes along with every time I have to say good-bye. Tired of every time I don't get to do something I want and every time I get mad because I can't be where I want to be. Tired of the hours spent longing and crying. Tired of trying to fake myself into thinking I'm happy but then turning around and figuring out just how miserable I really am. Is there really happiness associated with anything? I'm beginning to wonder if true happiness really exists. I don't know if I'll ever actually really find out...

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Life...

So I just figured I have a little bit of time to kill before I have to head out for the day...so here I am updating my blog. First...exciting news came out this past week. Carrie Underwood is coming back to the New York State Fair. It's actually very rare that an artist comes two years in a row. I don't think I remember a time when that actually happened. So...I'm planning on going again this year...and this time Rich actually said he'd go with me...I don't even have to drag him along. The concerts in August and tickets go on sale the end of June. I'm more then excited...lol. I don't know why but I'm just a fan of Carrie. *shrugs* it is what it is I suppose :) That was the good news for the week. This week and next week I am playing the part of "Editor" at the Telegram since our editors are each off for a week, starting this week and continuing next week. I'm nervous about it...it seems like a lot of work. I know it's good experience but I love to write and I won't be able to do much writing when I'm playing the Editor role. I'm sure after I do it more I'll get better at it, but right now I'm just a little nervous about the whole thing. I hope I don't screw up too much. Oh well, new things are always nerve racking at first. I'll keep you posted after I complete my first week of it. I'm an emotional person. Anyone that knows me probably already knows that. People who know me also know that I don't talk about my feelings very much. It's part of the "Middle Child Syndrome" I think. I would just get lost in the shuffle and soon realized that it wasn't worth trying to talk to anyone about what I was feeling. I shut down when I get upset. I curl up in my bed and sometimes just let it all out. Maybe it's not the most effective way, but from what I've been through, people just don't listen to me so it's not worth showing them that side of me. Sometimes I try. I'll talk to my older sis once in awhile, but she's always been someone I can talk to about anything from the family to guys to jobs. I don't get to talk to her as much anymore because she does live in Boston and her job and boyfriend keep her busy. I guess my point to all of this is that I am not a very vocal person when it comes to my feelings. And because of that all of my relationships seem to be twice as hard at times. :( It's just so easy to be able to be with the ones I love. Not so easy to share things...I'm working on that, and have gotten better at it...but the ones who need to know how I feel will...that's all that matters right now. And now I have to get ready to go out with Amanda and Anthony...a couple friends, so I'll keep ya posted :)

Sunday, May 13, 2007

A Sunday night

So I'm sitting here at 8 p.m. on Sunday with blue streaks in my hair and not much else to do. Curious? I figured. Well it's been a long time since I've done highlights and my roots were really grown in and I wanted to get it done again so my "hairdresser" my mom did the streaks for me. She's not really a hairdresser. Just plays the part when I want to do my highlights. I don't pay hundreds of dollars to get my done. I buy the herbal esscenses highlights, which works really well. I always get compliments from hairdressers who think it's professionally done, so I'll take it. Problem is I sit here for a half hour before I get to take a shower and I get bored. Anyway, it's Mother's Day and my mom had a good day I think...she got some things she wanted and then we had roast turkey in the crock pot, mashed potatoes, gravy and veggies. One thing about such a great meal is the clean-up...hate doing that part, but it's the price you have to pay for having a great meal. You also get some great leftovers, some of which I'll be taking to work tomorrow for lunch. Can't complain about that. I've also attracted another fun cold, for some reason the colds enjoy me. This is my second one in a few months, and even for me that's a lot. So was on the air for 6 hours yesterday with this fun cold, most people told me that I sounded good despite it, so that's good. Then I had to voicetrack for 10 1/2 hours and it took me nearly 4 to actually do it because I kept having coughing fits and had to take a break to regain my voice and soothe my throat again. What fun is that? Umm...yeah...none. I made it though and am feeling much better today. Still some throat and nose issues, but it could be worse. Friday my head felt like it was going to explode. I had lots of things I had wanted to do on Friday but it got put on the back burner. I went to work, got out early because I had to work Friday night, came home by noon and was passed out on the couch for 3 or so hours. Went out to eat with my parents then went back into work. Speaking of work...ugh...I'm so tired of these gas prices and having to travel so much with them this bad. In addition to that I'm so worn out being short a reporter and so much crap falling on my shoulders. Believe it or not I've started yet another job search. Don't know if anything's going to come of it but I would love to find something closer to home so I don't have to travel that much, and night things are just not easy for me anymore. That's one of the main reasons I left WIBX, that and wanting something full time. I'm tired of covering things at night. Plus I don't even break even in my paycheck with the amount I spend on gas, they pay NOTHING to workers who bust their ass keeping the paper going. Ok...gonna stop there 'cause I'm getting myself upset. Hmm...what else to say? I miss Rich...don't I always say that? That should tell me something...but it doesn't. I just wish we both didn't have to work so much so we could actually spend some "quality" time together. Wishful thinking I know...I'm 22...you know how many more years of working I have ahead of me? Maybe I should just win the lottery now and get it over with, or better yet just die...not as fun but would keep me from having to deal of this torture called full-time employment. By the way, it's May 13...that means exactly 4 months before my birthday, so you better start shopping for me...it's gonna take that long for you to find something that I'm going to like :) Anyway, I don't know if it's almost showertime, but I have nothing else to say and now I've depressed myself so I'm going to go cuddle up with my blankie and mope, that's always good for a Sunday.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Is it worth it?

That question just keeps coming to my mind. I'm getting stressed and worked up about the littlest things. I'd tell people not to take it personally...but sometimes I wish some people would care a little more about what I want. It doesn't matter...it never matters. I'm the middle child, I should be used to not getting what I want. I used to always get lost in the shuffle and as I get older I begin to wonder if anything's really changed when it comes to that. Maybe it's all a matter of me needing to do something for myself for once. I always try to please everyone else, maybe I should start to say screw everyone else. I'll go into hiding for awhile and make people seek me out if they want anything from me. I'm so used to trying to please everyone, well I think that has to change. I can't physically, emotionally or mentally take that anymore. I'll go to work, come home and go to work again before bed, nothing else. It's not worth it anymore. That's the end of the story...

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

No title necessary for this one

Have you ever had one of those days? You know the day I'm talking about...you keep waiting for something good to come out of the day and things just get worse and worse and soon you wonder if things could get any worse. Well I'm here to tell you things can always get worse. The bright spot in my day was getting an unexpected carnation which cheered me up for a little bit. It came from an unexpected source...tomorrow Lite 98.7 is recognizing working women, so I got a carnation. At least for a little bit I felt appreciated by someone. It's nearly 8 p.m. and I just sit here like a bump on a log and like a pathetic person hoping something good will come out of the day. It's like waiting for snow in August in my opinion. Lately I seem to be having more bad days then good. I get irritated with my Editor at work who always expects me to go out and get pictures he needs...damn get someone else to do it sometimes, I have work to do in the office at times too. To top it off I've been suffering a freaking headache for two straight days now. I'm wondering if it's either a sinus or stress headache. I know when I get really stressed I get a headache and it won't go away until some sort of relief comes. That ain't gonna happen anytime soon...I don't only stress about work...there's always family and...well...other things too. I don't want to talk about it anymore, I'll just get irritated again. I think I need time away from EVERYTHING. I need to do something for me, but by the time I get out of work I never feel like doing something for myself or by myself. I usually unwind by sitting on my computer and chatting...but looky here...no one's here...so I feel lost and don't know what to do with myself. I think I better stop now before I get upset...so until next time...if I make it there...

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Why the hell is it so hard to get what I want?

So this week has been long and I have been very tired. The only thing I was looking forward to was the weekend...well I still look forward to the dance night Friday night...now I don't give two shits about the weekend. So why the hell is it so hard for me to get what I want lately? So is it really worth it? I'm beginning to wonder...

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

So what is there really to say?

I know I haven't updated in awhile. Been kinda busy doing something called work. I know...very depressing I must say. Also been dealing with something called snow...ugh...it's April already, we should be done with this!! Anyway...been a lot going on here. A local police officer was gunned down in the line of duty last week and I've covered press conferences and done stories on it. This is the second local officer to be killed in the line of duty in a little over a year and I had to cover both of them and it is so hard to stay impartial and write like a journalist is supposed to. Then with everything happening at Virginia Tech, I've been following up on that and finding out local links to that. It's been busy, which is good, but tiring and it all eventually takes a toll on me, mentally and emotionally anyway. Lately I feel mentally drained. Nothing seems to matter anymore. Emotionally I just don't know that I can keep dealing with some of this. It's so sad and it's the responsbility of a journalist to remain impartial and report on the facts without any emotion creeping in. I've talked to some ex-journalists who said they got out of the field because of what I'm describing. They say they mentally burned out because of things like this. I don't want to do that because I seriously love what I'm doing. As for the station...I'm not even going to go into that right now. Do I still like it? Of course...I just have some things I need to think about when it comes to that. I guess that's all for now...I have some thinking to do...

Sunday, April 01, 2007

So yeah...

So I'm sitting here at 7:51 a.m. wondering why the hell I'm up so early. It's not as odd as it use to be. I get up at 5 every morning so it's rare for me to sleep past 7 or 8 on the weekends anymore. But I didn't go to bed until almost 2 a.m...you do the math. Let me add that my nose is running, my throat hurts, my head is throbbing even my ears are beginning to hurt...yesterday all this started and I thought it was allergies because the pollen count is very high and it was 55 or so outside. But today...I'm convinced I am subject to another fun spring cold. I can barely talk, which is going to make on-air work this week very fun for me. You see, one of the few jobs where losing your voice or having a cold would seriously affect you. I just took some cold medicine and some tylenol for my head...I have a box of tissues to my right and a cup of nice hot coffee to my left. After the coffee is done I'm going to take a nice warm shower and try to get ready for the day since I have to head out to Little Falls around noon to cover an event for the paper. Sleeping was a disaster for me last night. There were spurts when I got nice and comfy and slept very well, but most of the time I woke up every half hour to either drink water or move around because my nose was running. I hate sleeping when I have a cold...I never actually sleep. In turn that makes me very grumpy and irritable and just not in a great mood. I'm not in a horrible mood yet though. I got to wake up next to Rich which in itself can put anyone in a good mood...lol. Also I'm looking forward to my parents coming home today. They went out of town for the weekend to go to a youth convention for church. You might think I'm crazy for wanting them to come home, but as much as they can annoy me at times, the house is very quiet without them home. So what's coming up for me this week? Hopefully another good week like last week. Won't be as good because I don't get to see Rich everyday...but he's working up here Monday and Friday so I'll probably get to see him a couple days. uh oh...coffee's almost gone, guess that means it's shower time then time for another cup of coffee...wish I could stay home all day, curl up in a ball on the couch and sleep. That's probably what I need to feel better. But hopefully I'm not at this event too long today and I can come home and do just that. *crosses fingers* Anyway...I'll try to keep you updated on the progress of this cold and see how well my immune system does at fighting it away...it's kinda doing a crappy job now. Until next time...

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Ugh...

So I was told by someone that I haven't posted a new blog entry lately...so I should end it here right? lol...ok...I do have a few things on my mind guess I can make something up. As of next week I'll have been working full time for 2 months. That's 8 weeks of Monday through Friday 7-4 (or around there depending on what events I have at night.) So what has it been like? Tiring and trying at times but for the most part I've enjoyed it. I am also now the official overnight voicetracker at Lite...which I think is going to be good and bad to some extent. Good because I'm at the station everyday keeping my prescence up and I'm on the air everyday, which is the true test to see if I'm ready for something full time in radio. Bad though for a few reasons...when I have night meetings it's a really long day for me...I work 7-1, then have to go to the station to do the voicetracking, then come home and eat and go to whatever event I have...so I'm on the run until about 9 or 9:30 at night. It's a long day. When I work a typical 7-4 day I never feel like going back into the station after sitting at home for awhile, but there's no pressure then, I can go in as late as I want and as long as it's done it doesn't matter. Plus I love it...guess that's the bottom line :) Lately my parents have really been getting on my nerves. Usually I get along with my mom and dad just fine...but my mom always seems to find a way to get upset at me or to blame something on me. My sister's flunking out of college but something about that must be my fault...did I mention I hate being a middle child? Even after my older sister left and I became the oldest in the house...something was always blamed on me. I don't know...I just usually try to ignore it all and go about my daily business and ignore all the drama surrounding me at home. My weeks are long and drama packed lately which kind of makes me not as happy as I should be...which a few people have pointed out to me lately. Bottom line...I need a vacation. LOL. Guess that's not the real bottom line. I'm just taking it week by week right now and making it through. I keep very busy which is good because it takes my mind off other things sometimes. But anyway...here's my new post...happy now? :-)

Sunday, March 11, 2007

So here we are...

So here it's March 11 and daylight savings time started 3 weeks early much to my dismay. For one I stay until midnight at the station anyway...so losing an hour of sleep is never easy for me. But this time it was even worse and I was exhausted in the morning. So came home from church and took a 2 1/2 hour nap which doesn't happen very often anymore but I was out which is what I needed I guess. So anyway, this post is going to kinda go all over the place 'cause a lot of things on my mind lately. So bare with me and enjoy I guess...lol. First a note to everyone looking to go to a movie. Definitely go see Wild Hogs!! The funniest movie I have seen in a hell of a long time!! I haven't been to a movie in a long time for a couple reasons. One...I never seem to have time. And Two...not many movies are worth $8 a person to see. But Rich and I spent the weekend together so we decided to go to a movie and we were both happy to find that Wild Hogs was definitely worth the money!! Moving on to subject number two. As I mentioned before I got to spend the weekend with Rich. *sigh* makes me spoiled when I get to do that. Not that I'm complaining about it. But then he has to get up early to go pick up his daughter and then get back home to go to work, it sucks. Of course it always sucks when he has to leave, but when I've gotten to spend a weekend with him outside of work it becomes even harder. I do get to see him Wednesday of this week though because he'll be up here working on Lite so at least I don't have to go a full week without getting to see him. And even better...Thursday is our anniversary :) hehe...yeah a year...who would have thought right? Enough said on that... Next wanted to share a poem since it's been awhile since I've done that. This one is from a few years ago. I wrote it for a church homecoming and came across it a few days ago, so let me know what you think and enjoy!! :)
Home
Home is where the fire glows
and keeps us warm at night
Home is where the friends we've made
help us feel alright
Home is where a candle burns
whenever you're away
Home is knowing you'll return
and never lose your way
Home is where the day's misfortunes
find unwelcome hosts
Home is where we learn to value
each other's feelings most
Home is where the heart beats slowly
putting us at ease
Home is where the children wanting
always first say please
Home is wehre the siblings play
and learn to share and give
Home is where the parents learn
the new role they must live
Home is where the budget stands
and fights inflation's pace
Home is where the paycheck finds
its destined resting place
Home is where our children mimic
all we do and say
Home is where we can't get angry
when we don't get our way
Home is where romances finds it
sometimes has to wait
Home is knowing other times
don't always come so late
Home is where we run for shelter
when we need it most
Home is where the air's conditioned
by the Holy Ghost
Home is like a bank account
with Internet paid each day
Home is where an early withdrawal
penalty is paid
Home is where the Lord is watching
giving us much light
Home is where Love rules supreme
forgiving when we fight
Home is where the good and bad
are shared with equal will
Home is where there's so much to give
we always get our fill
Home is where you and I
will learn and Lovve and Give
Home is where our love will last
much longer than we live
Home is not just a place with walls
where everything should fit
Home is a torch we pass along
for our children to keep lit