What do I do?

I'm torn. I've wanted a new job for quite some time and now that I'm on the brink of getting that I don't know what to do. Things changed at the paper after the editor left. I really like the new editor and her and I get along really good. Gas prices are beginning to kill me though. Almost $4 a gallon and I'm struggling to make it work.

As the position is officially open at WIBX I tell myself I should go for it. Maybe I've just gotten too comfortable at the paper. Starting something new always makes me very nervous and that's probably part of the problem. I shouldn't be nervous, I have worked with these people for the past 5 years, and known some of them longer then that. They are great people and radio is my passion...right? I'd get to do the news on the air and do the reporting end of things. I'll also get to keep doing my voicetracking for Lite as I was told that could be added into my salary, which by the way is way more then I'm making now, and I wouldn't have the added expense of gas weekly. I'm sure I'd be able to make it a couple weeks on a tank of gas. So you can say the pros definitely outway the cons...so why am I so undecided?

I kinda think I'm afraid to give radio the full-time chance and I'm afraid of leaving newspapers. People always say doing something new is difficult, so what I need to do is be able to take a leap of faith and jump into it knowing that I am doing this to advance my career.

At the same time I can't stop thinking about Rich. This gig at IBX is a night gig where I'd be working at like 2 and until I get done with my meetings...I would also have to have time to voicetrack for Lite somewhere in there. So what does this all mean? Not talking to him most days and not seeing him as much as I am now...I've always said a guy would never be factored into a decision that would advance my career...but that was before I fell head over heels in love with him. I admit seeing him once a week is better then none, and I'm accepting that...it's just hard. I would also have most weekends off. I would be working like once every third Saturday or something and it would be really early in the morning.

See how confused I am? I just need to believe that this is where I'm supposed to be going with my career. I have another meeting with them to discuss pay and hours and the job on Thursday so I guess we'll go from there. I also talked to my editor at work. She of course said she didn't want to lose me, but she also wished me luck at getting the job and said it would be hard to replace me. She knows radio is what I ultimately really want to do.

So yes I'm torn and if you have any suggestions I would love to hear them. As of now I'm trying to keep focus on the present and see what happens on Thursday. I'll definitely be back to keep you posted. So stay tuned...

Another weekend comes to a close...

So I'm just sitting here now, waiting for Rich to get back online. Sometimes I feel pathetic. We spent the weekend together and now that he's gone, I kinda feel like I don't know who I am or what to do. I feel like I'm half of myself I guess, if that makes any sense. I live my weeks waiting for the weekend and the time I get to spend with him and then when he leaves I don't know what to do with myself.

Well it's one of those days I guess and I don't have much else to say at all...so off I go to try to kill some time...

Yes I'm here

It's been a long time since I've checked in here. I've been busy working, working and working. I just wanted to send a quick note to let everyone know I'm still here and alive. I don't really have much else to say. Hopefully I have time to fully check in sometime soon.

Why's it have to be so complicated?

So my life has been full of working, working and well...working. Ever since these hours were changed for me at work I get no time to do anything for myself...I guess that's OK in some sense because it doesn't give me much time to think about how much time I DON'T get to see Rich. It just keeps getting harder and harder and I try so much to either see him or understand why I can't, but it's hard. I can't help it. Yes, I get upset, but then I try to see him for a weekend and it's OK again, but then it goes back to the way it was before. I spend more time being upset then I do being happy lately.

Ok on to a much lighter story...sprained my ankle pretty bad yesterday, I am such a klutz, but makes it very hard to walk today, have it wrapped and such...work will be interesting today I'm sure since work involves doing some walking.

Well I guess I don't have much else to say right now, nothing else has really happened lately...have I mentioned all I do is work?

What a change a month can have...

So I know I haven't posted in a month, I guess I should've with everything I've had to deal with lately. It's seriously been a worldwind of crap in my life lately.

To start it off 3 weeks ago we had to put our dog to sleep. You never really know how much a part of the family they become. She was 14 years old and her liver was starting to fail. The vet said with meds we could keep her alive for another 6 months to a year, but why would we put her through all that pain? She went downhill fast and no one was expecting it. It's weird to come into the house without her here. The cats been taking it hard too. Walking around crying and being really clingy lately. I can talk about her now without really crying so we're all doing our best to move on, although it's hard sometimes to look at pictures of her when she was young. She was a really good dog.

Next is the freaking changes at work. They switched our hours at work so every other week the reporters have to work 2-11 p.m. Man does that suck. It screwed up my entire schedule at my other job, which no one seems to care about. So I'm sick of the shit and am in the midst of looking for another job. I've interviewed at one that I inerviewed at before, but for some reason it just seems like he's totally not interested. Never returns my calls or e-mails, I don't know...just a sense that he doesn't want me there, that's fine...I'll move on and keep looking. I'll get a desk job if I have to. I'd make more money at that job at least. We were never consulted about the changes at work. Just told to be there at a certain time as our hours are changing...gee thanks, really appreciate the 3 day headsup...it's insane if you ask me. So that's where works at lately.

My boss at the station has been really good at dealing with these new hours. He says the voicetracking position is mine until I don't want it anymore. It just makes for really long days to go to the station from noon to 1:15 or so and then to work from 2-11. But I'm making it work for the time being.

That's pretty much it for the crappy changes that have been happening. Good things are on the horizon too. Planning a mini-vacation with Rich to go see my sister in Boston for a weekend. Also seeing what we can do about an Orlando and Disney World vacation in July. Also, who's idea was it to put Valentine's Day on a Thursday? Come on..lol. Well at least I don't work a 2-11 that day, I have an 8-5, so that's a little better. Not that there are any plans, but still...better then working at night.

Well that's pretty much what's new and not-so-exciting for me. My coffee is done so going to go get that and some breakfast and I have a yucky doctors appointment in a little bit too...fun times.

My Personality

It's something not many people understand. I've always been a quiet person, it's just me. I blame it on being a middle child where really no one listened to me as much as my sisters. But, I was quite content being a quiet person. I was happy. I absorbed myself into the elementary, junior high and high school band. I didn't have a lot of friends but I had really good friends.

In high school I also absorbed myself in a local radio station, which ultimately led me to the track I am on today. I always loved to write which led me to the journalism end of it.

I often think back to the teachers I had or the people in school who thought I was weird because I never talked...do they hear me now or read my articles? What would they say if they knew where my life was now?

My personality, however, can work against me more then for me. I never (or hardly ever) talked about my feelings. I held everything in and cried in my room. So when people ask me to talk about what I'm feeling I guess in some sense I get scared. I'm not used to that. As much as I want to, it's very awkward for me to. I've started to talk about my feelings more then I used to. But it really scares me. I guess I've always tried to make people think they're right and to please people at all times and the fact is it scares me to think people might be mad at me over something. I don't know.

I always wondered how I ended up with this personality, but the truth is I don't think I would be where I am today without this peronality.

I love being a journalist and writing for a living, I do miss writing for fun, I don't do that very much anymore since I'm writing everyday. I also love being on the radio, the rush I get every time I turn on that mic, it shows me that I was meant to do it. And to receive e-mails and feedback from listeners, it makes it all worth it.

Although I work a lot, I do it mainly to keep my mind off of other things. I may complain about it, but if I wasn't working I would go insane. Lately my mood has been pretty good after working. I get into a groove and I get ok.

Anyway, it's just some things that have been on my mind lately. Kind of weird to have my personality on my mind, but it has been lately. So yeah, just some thoughts to ponder for the day...

Why?

Why is it so hard for me to be completely happy? For moments in time I can feel what it can be to not have a care in the world. And before I know it it's taken away by the end of a day.

Why can't it get easier as time goes by? I find myself falling harder with each passing day. No matter how hard I try to forget about him for a moment at a time, I find myself falling further under his trance.

Why can't I understand what's going through my head? I get asked questions I don't know the answers to. I know what I want but have no idea how to go about getting it.

Why can't everything just be perfect? For once I would just like to get everything I want at the time I want. What I want is always an arms length out of reach.

Why does this act continue and how long will it go on? Pretending I'm as happy as people think. Pretending I'm ok when I'm not. And most of all putting on this act for everyone so no one truly sees what's inside.

Why can't I just live my life with who I want without all the hurdles and obstacles in front of me? Is it God's way of testing me? Am I able to handle everything thrown at me and not screw anything up?

My life really is at one of the best places it has been, if only every area of my life could possibly be perfect. Maybe at some point it will be...until then I have to make sure I don't screw things up.