The holidays

So Merry belated Christmas!! I hope Santa was good to you giving you everything you wanted. My holiday spirit disapperaed sometime about a month ago I think. I'm sick of people not remembering what this season is all about. This is a religious season, yet people who aren't religious celebrate the holiday the same and make their kids greedy because they want this and they want that. This is a season to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, not to receive presents. I love giving presents. I love watcing the faces of the people I give to as they open their presents.

This holiday season I took some time when I was out amongst the hustle and bustle of the holiday crowds to watch the people out shopping. Carrying huge bags of items from store to store, pushing and shoving their way through crowds, pulling items away from people, when did the holiday season become this? Maybe I've just never noticed this before but watching all of it just made my holiday spirit go right out the window. I've tried but I just can't seem to change it this year.

I've also been thinking a lot about my grandmother lately. I don't know why I all of a sudden started thinking about her. She passed away when I was probably 11 or 12 so I don't know why I've started thinking about her. I've actually been wondering if she'd be proud of where I'm at now in my life. I'm sure she would be. Also when we got robbed earlier this year, one of the things that was taken was a necklace that was given to me by my grandfather. It was the year my grandma passed away and for my birthday that year he gave me the necklace and told me she had bought it for me before she passed away. Every time I missed her I put the necklace on. I didn't wear it all that often as I got older, but just seeing it there in my jewelry box reminded me of the person she was and how much she loved me. I knew she was watching over me. Now that it's gone...I feel as though she's so much further away. I often wonder if at some point I'll forget about her and the way she smells or the kind of person she is. Things that I remembered for so long after she died.

But as the New Year approaches I'm hoping it'll bring new challenges for me and hopefully a new job as well as the same love I've been experiencing from my family, friends and boyfriend. That would be the perfect year.

Sitting here...

So I'm just sitting here...and thinking. It's almost 5 p.m. on Sunday evening and I just finished a mini-crying break. I'm an emtional person and as I say sometimes you just need to cry. I wish I didn't need to or that I could prevent other people from seeing that I need to. But no such luck.

This has been a weekend I have been looking forward to for a long time. I had my company Christmas party Saturday, open bar, great food and a DJ, it was definitely great. I do wish my mouth felt a little better. I'm back on my pain pills and it's throbbing again and I don't know why, but the weekend was set to be amazing.

Today was my alumni brunch and it was great getting to see friends and meet some new people and have some great food. The best part about the entire weekend was I got to do it all with Rich, which makes me happy. The only time I am happy lately is when I get to be with him, outside of work. We also went Christmas shopping after the brunch, which was also great.

So why the crying? Well Rich left about a half hour ago, and yeah I don't like that, but that's not what upset me. It's something he said as we were driving home from the mall. His dad is not happy with him spending all this money in gas to come up here to work...or see me. This coming Friday he said he would come up here and we would go out shopping so he could do some more of his Christmas shopping, but then he got to talking about his dad and said he could go up to Albany to do his shopping since it is a little bit closer. Of course I said he didn't have to come up here if he didn't want to...but what kind of girlfriend makes her boyfried go somewhere he wouldn't want to go. I was hoping that not seeing me all week would make him want to come up here to see me...especially since Saturday I'm gonna be in a pissyass mood because I'm on the air for 6 hours and his ass is gonna be in a damn production room anyway so I'm not even going to see him or spend time with him. Guess not.

I hate being like this because it makes me feel that I'm being too clingy or needy and that a good girlfriend would let her boyfriend do whatever he wanted. I can't help it. He work as much as me now and he never gets online when he gets home and I sit here looking like an idiot waiting for him so I can talk to him for a half hour before I go to bed. And when I don't get to talk to him I get upset and he doesn't understand why. *sigh* Now I gave myself a headache and made my mouth hurt again so I'm going to go take some drugs, eat some dinner, drink some coffee, and get ready to head out for the evening to get my mind off of Rich.

Did I mention the only time I'm happy is when I'm with him *sigh* No one ever said this would be easy.

What is it?

So if you know me at all you know I love Christmas. Love everything about it, always have. This year...not so much. I just can't get in the Christmas spirit as much as I usually do. It's been a very different year for me. It's also flown by and there have been so many changes for me.

There's something about thinking about the holiday that usually makes me smile and happy, but then I go out. People seem to have forgotten about what this time of year actually represents. They are hustling and bustling around the stores shopping for Christmas gifts or decorations, they are in a hurry in parking lots honking horns at people who are crossing or "in their way." They seem to have forgotten that this time of year is not about the shopping or the getting gifts or sending Chistmas cards or running to the post office to mail packages. I get so irritated with people pushing me in the stores or running to get that last item on the shelf of that "popular" gift for the year. I could just stand there and look around in amazement that anyone could be like that.

Yeah I'm a religious person so maybe that's why it hasn't escaped me that the word CHRIST is in Christmas for a reason. I won't go on a religious speal or anything, but He is the reason we celebrate this time of year. I wish some more people would realize that it's not about that important toy or giving your kids or grandkids hundreds of gifts.

I love shopping for people, I love giving the people I love what they want and watching their faces light up, but this year just seems to be different then most times. I still get the people I love those great gifts that they want, but I don't seem to be shopping with a smile lately because I have to run into those people that expect you to move out of their way or bend over backwards to make their shopping experience great.

I think the lack of Christmas spirit this year just comes from the irritation that people don't recognize what should be recognized this time of year. The fact that I don't get to spend the holiday with everyone I love...again...might also have something to do with it.

As the holiday approaches we'll see if I can try to increase some of this Chrstmas spirit.