Thoughts

So I don't talk about my feelings often. I blame that on middle child syndrome. If you're a middle child you know exactly what I'm talking about. The older sibling gets attention because they have all the firsts, the youngest sibling gets all the attention because they are the baby, and that leaves the middle child there saying "what about me?" Your firsts were never as important and everything you did to try to sabotage the younger sibling because they got the attention got noticed just because of that, and of course, the middle child always got in trouble!! So I learned to hold back. I'd go in my room and sit on my bed with one of my stuffed animals and my blanket and I'd cry it out. That's probably one of the reasons why I'm so emotional as well. The littlest thing can set me off, but I don't talk it out. Never have. Then I hear on the news a new study that says people that don't let their anger out and argue with the person they are having a problem with, are more likely to die from a medical condition...oh good...as if I didn't have enough to worry about.

I recall the day my grandmother died. I was only 12 or so, so it was hard to handle. My grandmother was my best friend. I spent nights over at their apartment and we used to do arts and crafts together after school because they lived right around the corner from the elementary school. I had so much fun. It was one time I could always count on to feel like I was totally and completely loved. She had asthma and was very sick. She was in the hospital off and on for the last few years before she died. She wouldn't let me or my two sisters see her when she was like that in the hospital. Then the inevitable happened and she passed away. I cried. I cried for hours on end in my room. I cried non-stop at the funeral. When I get to thinking about her I'll cry again...you know sometimes you just need a good cry. It's all a blur to me now. I hate that I'm forgetting her to some extent. I still have pictures and remember her. She was an artist and we have paintings she did hanging in the house, but it's not the same. I can't remember her smell anymore or the hug she used to give. It feels like she grows further and further away with each day. I know she doesn't, I know she's still in my heart and still watching me and hopefully smiling at what I've decided to do with my life.

What hurts just as much is that my grandfather moved on so fast and got married again and moved away. Now we don't see him except on special occasions, we don't hear from him unless something is wrong, and now I feel like a stranger to him. I guess we were never that close anyway. He disapproves of everything his grandchildren do with their lives. So we just don't talk to him that often. I keep wondering how much longer he has because he has a lot of health problems too. I dread the day we get that phone call. I kinda think that won't be too soon though because he is very stubborn in that way...lol.

I've always written down my feelings, ie: this blog or my fiction stories, and I don't get to do that as much anymore. I try to keep up on the blog, but the stories I don't do anymore. Pretty much because I write all day at work and I just don't feel like it when I get home. While I'm gonna try to start that again. Maybe it'll cheer me up when I can come home and just type. Talk about what's bothering me in something only I can read and keep track of. Getting everything out typically makes me feel a little better.

Contrary to what many people think I do try to be in a good mood. But once one thing ticks me off, that's it...the day goes completely downhill from there. Usually it's my editors fault...but what can I do? I can't call him an ass hole to his face, so I did today when I was in the ladies room...lol...he deserved it.

But anyway I really do try. Days suck when I have to go to work and come home and go to work again. I never get to spend time with the ones I love or spend time doing something for myself. Anyway, just some thoughts on the day...