My grandfather's been in the hospital for a few weeks now. They thought they would lose him but he's hanging on. My mom and aunt flew out yesterday to be with him and look at some nursing homes that offer rehab programs. He was apparently bit by a tick and he has some type of disease (can't remember the name of it - and no it's not lyme) and it's caused nerological damage and complete loss of vision. He is legally blind anyway but could see shadows and things...now he can't see anything. As I keep telling everyone he's a fighter and stubborn as hell and he'll live for another 10 years. So my mom says he looks good, which is good.
When all this started, I know it's awful to say, but I wasn't upset. I keep thinking back to the times we used to spend together. Before my grandmother passed away we had a great time. They lived in Utica with us, right down the street from our elementary school. Sometimes we used to walk to their apartment from the school. We'd spend the night at their place and our grandmother would teach us cool art things and our grandfather would read to us or take us outside for a walk. I was only 12 when she passed away and it devastated me. We were so young that that was the worst thing that could ever happen. I think the hardest part is she wouldn't even let her grandchildren see her in the hospital before she passed away. She didn't want us seeing her like that. And then she was gone. The funeral is the worst thing I ever went through. For months I spent time in my room writing in my journal just trying to get the feelings out. When he remarried I was happy for him. He needed someone to spend the rest of his life with, and she's a great woman. He moved to Maryland to live in her house. After that, he pretty much alienated everyone on his side of the family. Never visited, never called. We see him once every 5 or 6 years probably. We saw him last year and he just has to find a way to insult everyone of his granddaughters and even his daughters...nothing is ever good enough for him. So when we were leaving, my mom blew up at him which really upset her. She felt like she let her mom down by yelling at her father because she was raised to never raise your voice at your parents. They made up a few weeks later by talking on the phone and now here she is, out with him. I wish I had a grandfather that was a little more involved. If my grandmother was still around she would be so proud about the way her granddaughters grew up. He doesn't care. Nothing is ever good enough. He cared a little more when she was around. I know when he does finally pass away we'll all be sad, because he is family and we do love him, but at the same time he's never been there for us. He was hardly ever there for his daughters. Maybe all this happend as a way for God to tell us that he's not going to be around forever and we need to forgive and forget and come together as a family.
For once the bright spot in my life is work. I'm loving work and can't wait to start working for the new council. Work is the one thing I can guarentee will take my mind off of everything else I'm struggling with lately. I have constant battles in my head about certain issues, and I just wonder if it'll ever change. I just want to be normal...have a normal relationship, have a normal family, just be normal, is that too much to ask?
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