My Personality

It's something not many people understand. I've always been a quiet person, it's just me. I blame it on being a middle child where really no one listened to me as much as my sisters. But, I was quite content being a quiet person. I was happy. I absorbed myself into the elementary, junior high and high school band. I didn't have a lot of friends but I had really good friends.

In high school I also absorbed myself in a local radio station, which ultimately led me to the track I am on today. I always loved to write which led me to the journalism end of it.

I often think back to the teachers I had or the people in school who thought I was weird because I never talked...do they hear me now or read my articles? What would they say if they knew where my life was now?

My personality, however, can work against me more then for me. I never (or hardly ever) talked about my feelings. I held everything in and cried in my room. So when people ask me to talk about what I'm feeling I guess in some sense I get scared. I'm not used to that. As much as I want to, it's very awkward for me to. I've started to talk about my feelings more then I used to. But it really scares me. I guess I've always tried to make people think they're right and to please people at all times and the fact is it scares me to think people might be mad at me over something. I don't know.

I always wondered how I ended up with this personality, but the truth is I don't think I would be where I am today without this peronality.

I love being a journalist and writing for a living, I do miss writing for fun, I don't do that very much anymore since I'm writing everyday. I also love being on the radio, the rush I get every time I turn on that mic, it shows me that I was meant to do it. And to receive e-mails and feedback from listeners, it makes it all worth it.

Although I work a lot, I do it mainly to keep my mind off of other things. I may complain about it, but if I wasn't working I would go insane. Lately my mood has been pretty good after working. I get into a groove and I get ok.

Anyway, it's just some things that have been on my mind lately. Kind of weird to have my personality on my mind, but it has been lately. So yeah, just some thoughts to ponder for the day...

Why?

Why is it so hard for me to be completely happy? For moments in time I can feel what it can be to not have a care in the world. And before I know it it's taken away by the end of a day.

Why can't it get easier as time goes by? I find myself falling harder with each passing day. No matter how hard I try to forget about him for a moment at a time, I find myself falling further under his trance.

Why can't I understand what's going through my head? I get asked questions I don't know the answers to. I know what I want but have no idea how to go about getting it.

Why can't everything just be perfect? For once I would just like to get everything I want at the time I want. What I want is always an arms length out of reach.

Why does this act continue and how long will it go on? Pretending I'm as happy as people think. Pretending I'm ok when I'm not. And most of all putting on this act for everyone so no one truly sees what's inside.

Why can't I just live my life with who I want without all the hurdles and obstacles in front of me? Is it God's way of testing me? Am I able to handle everything thrown at me and not screw anything up?

My life really is at one of the best places it has been, if only every area of my life could possibly be perfect. Maybe at some point it will be...until then I have to make sure I don't screw things up.

Lost

Have you heard the new song by Faith Hill? It's not totally new new, but it's her newest. It's called "Lost." We've been playing it at Lite for quite some time, but just recently I really started to listen to the words of the song. It is very nice and fits right into how I've been feeling lately. The lyrics are below and if you haven't listend to the actual song yet, I suggest you do and let me know what you think.

Is it obvious to you, When you walk into a room, Your face is all I see, And my heart races so fast, I never knew a rush to feel like that, Every time you're touching me.

I never did believe in anything, I couldn't hold between my fingers, But the way you make me feel, It's just so real the way it lingers.

I get lost inside your stare, Lost when you're not there, When everything I have doesn't mean a thing, If it's without you, If it's a dream, don't wake me up, I'll scream if this isn't love, If bein' lost means never knowin', How it feels without you, I wanna stay lost (forever), (I wanna stay lost forever with you).

No, this feeling doesn't end, It's with me everywhere I am, Hope it never goes away, It's like defying gravity, Losin' all control and bein' free, And I always wanna stay.

I never thought that I'd let go, Long enough to fall for someone deeply, Who had the power to erase my fears, And find me so completely.

I get lost inside your stare, Lost when you're not there, When everything I have doesn't mean a thing, If it's without you, If it's a dream, don't wake me up, I'll scream if this isn't love, If bein' lost means never knowin', How it feels without you, I wanna stay lost (forever), (I wanna stay lost forever with you).

Don't tell me where we're goin', I don't wanna know, I like the mystery (I like the mystery), I can't believe we've come this far, So far away from where we started off, You found me when I wasn't lookin', You found me.

And now I'm lost inside your stare, Lost when you're not there, And everything I have doesn't mean a thing, If it's without you, Without you, If it's a dream, Don't wake me up, I'll scream if this isn't love, If bein' lost means never knowin', How it feels without you, Yeah, if bein' lost means never knowin', How it feels without you, Oh, if bein' lost means that I'm never, Gonna be without you, I wanna stay lost forever, I wanna stay lost forever with you.

Middle Child Syndrome?

You know you'd think at the age of 23 this shit would have been long gone.

You've probably heard all about middle child syndrome, even if you're not a middle child. The older kid gets to do anything they want, the younger is the baby and can do no wrong...where's that leave the ones in the middle? It leaves them there to do everything else that the other two aren't doing. Sometimes you have a middle child sibling as well, so it's not as bad because there's the two of you who can stick together, but when you're like myself, you have three girls, and I'm stuck in the middle.

I suffered from it pretty bad when I was little. But now my older sister is out of the house you think I would be the oldest and ready to do anything I want. I guess it's the price I pay for living at home still. I wish I could make enough to move out, I would in a heartbeat. I get home from a long day at work and all I want to do is sit for a little bit and drink a cup of coffee, maybe talk to a few people online, but my mom gets after me to do the dishes, do laundry, make coffee, do this, do that. Mind you my little sister (who is almost 21, so she is capable too) is out of college until the end of this month and sits on her lazy ass all day doing absolutely nothing but watching television. She doesn't get yelled at to do anything. I say why can't she do it, and my mom yells at me and says "because I told you to." What the hell is that? Usually the excuse is that my little sister has to clean her room (mind you her room is disgusting at all times!) So, this is the price I pay for deciding to keep my room clean? Maybe I should test that theory and trash my room and see what happens...but I'm not 2 and I do way more then my share of house work, as well as work 2 jobs, I'm home for 2, maybe 3, hours a day, not including the time I'm asleep.

Tell me if you're old like me and still suffer from middle child syndrome? I don't think it is that anymore, I just think it's because I've proven I'm capable of doing such things

So, anyone looking for roommates? I'd love to get out of here. lol.

It's the new year...does it really matter?

First and foremost, Happy New Year! Hope everyone has a wonderful 2008 and hope you had a happy and safe celebration to ring in the new year.

Me...well I was in tears shortly before midnight and shortly after midnight...a freaking wonderful way to ring in the new year. I should be used to disappointments. Lately that seems to come more often then not. In my relationship, I understand it comes as a package deal. I've been ok with that, but now that we're heading into our second anniversary it's beginning to take a toll. I never get to see him, except on Saturdays for a short time, and in between if I get to, he has to bring his daughter along. I love her, I really do, but in some cases you need some "adult" time as well. I'm so not ready to be thrown into the full-time role that he seems to be trying to get out of me. He says he loves spending time with "both of his girls," but I just don't know. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm getting in over my head, especially since he seems to have me in tears more times then not lately.

We were supposed to spend New Years together, with my family...but I get a phone call at 8:30 or so and he says he has no one to watch his daughter. That's what he gets for not planning something out. So yeah...I'm disappointed and upset and feel like I have no right to be. He says him and his daughter are coming out today (new years day) to spend the day with me. Mind you I'm sick with a cold and really not feeling good, and really have no patience for a 5-year-old right now. Again, I feel bad for this. So I do some thinking and despite how much I desperately wanted and needed to see him, I send him an e-mail at 1 a.m. and tell him not to come out. I need to rest to get over this cold and my mom, who has been sick lately too, doesn't want his daughter running around the house, I can't blame her. So now I'm sure I've upset him and again feel bad, although I think I'm in the right here.

I guess I was hoping he would get a message out of this. So now I don't get to see him until Saturday, and that's only if he decides to come up early to see me. I just don't know if all this pain and me being upset is worth it.

I guess only time will tell just where we're headed...

The holidays

So Merry belated Christmas!! I hope Santa was good to you giving you everything you wanted. My holiday spirit disapperaed sometime about a month ago I think. I'm sick of people not remembering what this season is all about. This is a religious season, yet people who aren't religious celebrate the holiday the same and make their kids greedy because they want this and they want that. This is a season to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, not to receive presents. I love giving presents. I love watcing the faces of the people I give to as they open their presents.

This holiday season I took some time when I was out amongst the hustle and bustle of the holiday crowds to watch the people out shopping. Carrying huge bags of items from store to store, pushing and shoving their way through crowds, pulling items away from people, when did the holiday season become this? Maybe I've just never noticed this before but watching all of it just made my holiday spirit go right out the window. I've tried but I just can't seem to change it this year.

I've also been thinking a lot about my grandmother lately. I don't know why I all of a sudden started thinking about her. She passed away when I was probably 11 or 12 so I don't know why I've started thinking about her. I've actually been wondering if she'd be proud of where I'm at now in my life. I'm sure she would be. Also when we got robbed earlier this year, one of the things that was taken was a necklace that was given to me by my grandfather. It was the year my grandma passed away and for my birthday that year he gave me the necklace and told me she had bought it for me before she passed away. Every time I missed her I put the necklace on. I didn't wear it all that often as I got older, but just seeing it there in my jewelry box reminded me of the person she was and how much she loved me. I knew she was watching over me. Now that it's gone...I feel as though she's so much further away. I often wonder if at some point I'll forget about her and the way she smells or the kind of person she is. Things that I remembered for so long after she died.

But as the New Year approaches I'm hoping it'll bring new challenges for me and hopefully a new job as well as the same love I've been experiencing from my family, friends and boyfriend. That would be the perfect year.

Sitting here...

So I'm just sitting here...and thinking. It's almost 5 p.m. on Sunday evening and I just finished a mini-crying break. I'm an emtional person and as I say sometimes you just need to cry. I wish I didn't need to or that I could prevent other people from seeing that I need to. But no such luck.

This has been a weekend I have been looking forward to for a long time. I had my company Christmas party Saturday, open bar, great food and a DJ, it was definitely great. I do wish my mouth felt a little better. I'm back on my pain pills and it's throbbing again and I don't know why, but the weekend was set to be amazing.

Today was my alumni brunch and it was great getting to see friends and meet some new people and have some great food. The best part about the entire weekend was I got to do it all with Rich, which makes me happy. The only time I am happy lately is when I get to be with him, outside of work. We also went Christmas shopping after the brunch, which was also great.

So why the crying? Well Rich left about a half hour ago, and yeah I don't like that, but that's not what upset me. It's something he said as we were driving home from the mall. His dad is not happy with him spending all this money in gas to come up here to work...or see me. This coming Friday he said he would come up here and we would go out shopping so he could do some more of his Christmas shopping, but then he got to talking about his dad and said he could go up to Albany to do his shopping since it is a little bit closer. Of course I said he didn't have to come up here if he didn't want to...but what kind of girlfriend makes her boyfried go somewhere he wouldn't want to go. I was hoping that not seeing me all week would make him want to come up here to see me...especially since Saturday I'm gonna be in a pissyass mood because I'm on the air for 6 hours and his ass is gonna be in a damn production room anyway so I'm not even going to see him or spend time with him. Guess not.

I hate being like this because it makes me feel that I'm being too clingy or needy and that a good girlfriend would let her boyfriend do whatever he wanted. I can't help it. He work as much as me now and he never gets online when he gets home and I sit here looking like an idiot waiting for him so I can talk to him for a half hour before I go to bed. And when I don't get to talk to him I get upset and he doesn't understand why. *sigh* Now I gave myself a headache and made my mouth hurt again so I'm going to go take some drugs, eat some dinner, drink some coffee, and get ready to head out for the evening to get my mind off of Rich.

Did I mention the only time I'm happy is when I'm with him *sigh* No one ever said this would be easy.

What is it?

So if you know me at all you know I love Christmas. Love everything about it, always have. This year...not so much. I just can't get in the Christmas spirit as much as I usually do. It's been a very different year for me. It's also flown by and there have been so many changes for me.

There's something about thinking about the holiday that usually makes me smile and happy, but then I go out. People seem to have forgotten about what this time of year actually represents. They are hustling and bustling around the stores shopping for Christmas gifts or decorations, they are in a hurry in parking lots honking horns at people who are crossing or "in their way." They seem to have forgotten that this time of year is not about the shopping or the getting gifts or sending Chistmas cards or running to the post office to mail packages. I get so irritated with people pushing me in the stores or running to get that last item on the shelf of that "popular" gift for the year. I could just stand there and look around in amazement that anyone could be like that.

Yeah I'm a religious person so maybe that's why it hasn't escaped me that the word CHRIST is in Christmas for a reason. I won't go on a religious speal or anything, but He is the reason we celebrate this time of year. I wish some more people would realize that it's not about that important toy or giving your kids or grandkids hundreds of gifts.

I love shopping for people, I love giving the people I love what they want and watching their faces light up, but this year just seems to be different then most times. I still get the people I love those great gifts that they want, but I don't seem to be shopping with a smile lately because I have to run into those people that expect you to move out of their way or bend over backwards to make their shopping experience great.

I think the lack of Christmas spirit this year just comes from the irritation that people don't recognize what should be recognized this time of year. The fact that I don't get to spend the holiday with everyone I love...again...might also have something to do with it.

As the holiday approaches we'll see if I can try to increase some of this Chrstmas spirit.

Well...

So I'm getting fed up.

It's not what you might think. Work has actually been really good lately. My family has been fine...what's that leave? Yeah...you figure it out.

I can come home happy from work now...tired but nonetheless happy. Then when I try to share that with someone it just upsets me because sometimes it seems as if he doesn't care. Yeah he has his own stuff going on too...now more then ever with the new job, but I'm busy with my full time job and my part time job, yet I still make time to talk to him EVERYDAY, but he claims he's busy or he has to go do this or that, yeah thanks for making time for me, your girlfriend. I keep telling myself I'll give him a taste of his own medicine by not logging on line sometime to talk to him, but I can't because I actually want to talk to him. I guess that doesn't swing both ways though. Yet he doesn't seem to get it.

I talk to friends about it and they have some good advice in most cases, but in others they don't know what to do. I wish it didn't irritate me and upset me so much when he pulls this shit, but it does and I end up crying myself to sleep. That's healthy right? I know it's a guy thing, they obviously need their space and time away, fine, but we get all week away from each other because, well, apparently it's up to me to find time to spend together.

Here I go again, upset and alone, what's new there? You know it's kinda funny. This post was originally going to be about how I was actually happy for once spending almost all day with him yesterday, but how things change when yet again he's too busy to talk to me. Yet I always forgive him. Why? I know I hate confrontation and usually our arguments are on line, which is a pain in the ass. Maybe we need to talk it out, but he can't be serious enough to do that. When I'm upset he makes a joke about it or something. He doesn't get it. Yeah, sometimes it's good to laugh, but sometimes I want him to be serious. But when I get upset at him he makes me feel so freaking bad that I end up forgiving him. Maybe I'm out of line for getting upset but I think sometimes I have good reason to get upset.

If only this post would change anything...at least I feel a litle better after talking about it...if only...

Why?

Why can't I put anything behind me? Why do I have to over analyze every little thing? Why does it hurt so much when it's supposed to be the greatest feeling in the world? Why does it keep getting harder and harder with each passing day? Why can't I make it through a week without breaking down in tears? Why can't I fall asleep without crying myself to sleep lately? Why does no one understand how important some things are to me? Why do I set my priorities so much differently? Why do I curl up alone every night and think about what could of been? Why is it hard for me to open up to the people I care about? Why can't they just see?

And most of all...why can't I just be happy?

Admit it...some people don't make it so easy...

Obsessed?

Well there's been some debate whether or not I'm obsessed with this new Carrie Underwood CD.

Definition of obsessed: Verb: To have the mind excessively preoccupied with a single emotion or topic.

Ok so maybe seeing as how many of my posts lately have revolved around Carrie you might say "yeah she's more then obsessed." And maybe you might say that I have listened to her new CD 7 times in the past 2 1/2 days that yeah I must be obsessed. Or possibly you're thinking that since her songs have been in my head for the past couple days that I am over the top obsessed.

Well I'll have you know that I am a "dedicated Carrie fan"...as Rich pointed out...although the next day he did point out that he thought I was a little obsessed. Well I am going to share with you the reason this CD is amazing and that I know most of the words to most of the songs. How can you resist the sound of Carrie and the message she sends? I know I'll make Rich listen to it at some point. :) He can't get out of this one...lol...but a few lyrics below, although you can't put any context behind it without the actual song there, but listen to some of these words, it's just awesome!! And so what if I am obsessed? I'm ok with it!!

"I'm flat on the floor with my head down low, where the sky can't rain on me anymore, don't knock on my door 'cause I won't come, I'm hiding from the storm till the damage gets done."

"Now he's wrapped around her finger, she's the center of his whole world, and his heart belongs to that sweet little, beautiful, wonderful, perfect, all-american girl."

"Let's get out of this town tonight, nothing but dust in the shadows, gone by the morning light somewhere, we won't ever get caught, ever be found, baby, let's get out of this town."

"And I don't even know his last name, my mama would be so ashambed, it started off 'hey cutie where ya from,' and then it turned into 'oh no what have I done,' and I don't even know his last name."

"You can hold any girl that you like, fall in love when it's easy at night, but you'll wake up wondering why, she ain't ever something better, when you're lost and you've run out of road, find what I already know, in the end, close is all there is."

"It's not like I'm not trying, 'cause I'll give anyone a shot once, and I close my eyes, and I kiss that frog, each time finding, the more boys I meet, the more I love my dog."

So those are just a few of the wonderful songs on this CD...my favorite you ask? While I'm addicted to "All-American Girl," "So Small," and "Just A Dream," but they by far aren't the only great songs on that CD!! So buy it!! That's my plea to the world, enjoy it as much as I am!! And now I'm out...probably to listen to it some more :)

Comments

So in my life lately I don't have many things to look forward to. That's my problem. When I finally do get something to look forward to, it seems like my plants get screwed up anyway. That happened again for next weekend, so I'm back to wondering how I'm going to make it through the next few weeks. That was carrying on and now today dragged on and on because again...that's right...nothing to look forward to. However over the past few weeks I have had the chance to look forward to Carrie Underwood's new CD "Carnival Ride," which came out yesterday. I had pre-ordered it off of Amazon and it came today, one day after the release, which is not too bad. Within two minutes of me getting home and finding out I got the CD, I put it into my computer to listen to it and an hour later, it was over :) So now it will be a permanent fixture in my car CD player, at least until something better comes along (which won't happen) or I get tired of it (which rarely happens). I haven't been this excited about a CD coming out since my boy band phase when I was obsessed with NSync. I waited in line for those CDs.

Anyway I really don't have much else to say other then I'm trying to find plans for next weekend since I took the whole freaking weekend off from work...for a reason. But oh well, I have some friends that have said they'll do something with me and my mom, dad and I may go shopping as well. Maybe I'll get drunk next Saturday to make myself feel a little more normal and needed. I guess it doesn't really matter anymore anyway...later...

Another Week

So here I am on a Friday evening (or afternoon depending on how you look at it), and in a not so bad mood. Not looking forward to my weekend. I'm working long hours on Saturday and Rich is gonna be gone :( I have no idea what I'm gonna do. My sister and her boyfriend are coming in from Massachusetts tonight actually and spending the weekend helping my dad put in insulation in the attic. Fun fun, maybe it's a good thing I'm working or I'd have to help...lol.

But it was a pretty good week here. Some irritating people as usual, but I'm trying to keep my mood up. I'm tired of being down all the time, so I'm really trying. It's so hard when all I do is work all the time. If only I could have some downtime or time to spend with people I love. But I don't...and that's my life right now, so I guess I have to learn to accept it. You know it's kinda funny...when I was in high school and growing up I used to always says my career would come before a guy or before love, and all that stuff. I was set on being the "career woman," wow how things can change. Guess it depends on who you meet and what they mean to you. But still I have to focus on my career, but I would like to split that up a little, not working too well. I only have so many hours in a day. Guess it doesn't matter quite as much since Rich isn't up here most of the time anyway. Then I focus on my job to stop thinking about how much I miss him.

Anyway if you have suggestions on time management I would love to hear it!! Let me know how to juggle a full-time job, a part-time job, night meetings, a boyfriend, family, and friends...not that easy...lol. I try, but seriously 24 hours in a day, with about 7 or 8 of them sleeping...doesn't make it too easy. So let me know. Hi-Ho it's off to work I go...again...

Post #100

Yeah so I just had to put that as the title because it is officially the 100th post that I've put up...so there :)

It is Saturday. Yesterday was a good day compared to the rest of the week. Got another compliment from my editor...it only seems to happen when I'm filling in as editor. But my head only seems to hurt when I'm filling in as editor and have all that stress associated with my weeks. Maybe that's why yesterday was good because it was my last day filling in and because the editor gave me a major compliment about the way I did over the week. Even though I had to work Friday night, I wasn't totally opposed to going in.

I'm also on weekend photos, one thing today and one thing tomorrow to cover. Sometimes I actually prefer being on weekend photos then being on the radio on the weekend because I actually get to spend time with Rich away from the station. I need that once in awhile.

So Christmas is maybe 70 days away or something. I've started my Christmas shopping and am now officially listening to Christmas music in the car :) I'm a geek I know...a couple years ago I started listening to Christmas music in June...so this year it's not too bad. I'm a Christmas fan, what else can I say? I love everything about the holidays. I love putting the Christmas lights up outside, I love putting the tree up, I love the way the snow looks on the ground (if only we didn't have to drive in it), I love the spirit associated with it, I love spending time with the people I love, and most of all I love the meaning of Christmas. It always puts me in a festive and good mood. I just have to make sure that all actually happens this year. I need all the spirit and love associated with the holidays to keep me in a good mood. Guess that's my speal on the holidays for this post.

What else? Nothing that I can think of...hmm...guess I have to go get ready for the day ahead.

Oh yeah, Go Cowboys!! Still undefeated!! :)

Maybe if I had 45 hours in a day...

So I'm editor this week at the paper. Typically this weeks are better and sometimes go by faster. And I don't have to come up with two stories a day. However, the publisher decided it would be fun to tell my editor to have me do a story in a day for Breast Cancer Awareness Month and a tab we're putting out this week on it. It's due tomorrow by noon. I couldn't get ahold of the person I need to talk to for the story so my editor and I both think the publisher is insane. I won't have time in the morning to do it with me being editor and trying to get pages put out by deadline. Ugh...why me?

I've been thinking about a vacation...yes again. I know the holidays are on their way, and for once I have them off. I will have Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years off. I've told the boss at the station I can't work, and I get them off from the paper anyway. All I wanna do is be able to spend time with Rich...but yet again...I know that won't happen. He's working most of the time. It sucks to not be able to spend time with the people you love on the holidays. My older sister most likely isn't coming home for Christmas again either this year...that's like the 3rd or 4th year in a row...it sucks!! But what I really want to do is take a vacation, either by myself or something, to clear my head. I need to take time away from my family, away from work, and even to some extent away from Rich. I'm getting irritated with a lot of things really easily. Soon I'll end up saying something I'm going to regret.

I keep telling myself that God doesn't put more on my plate then I can handle at one time...so why is this so difficult for me? I have a full-time job, a part-time job, a boyfriend, friends, and family to juggle each and every day. Some days are easier then others depending on what one thing does to irritate me. I need to find more ballance in my life, but I have no idea how. That's what I'm trying to work out. Easier said then done.

Thoughts

So I don't talk about my feelings often. I blame that on middle child syndrome. If you're a middle child you know exactly what I'm talking about. The older sibling gets attention because they have all the firsts, the youngest sibling gets all the attention because they are the baby, and that leaves the middle child there saying "what about me?" Your firsts were never as important and everything you did to try to sabotage the younger sibling because they got the attention got noticed just because of that, and of course, the middle child always got in trouble!! So I learned to hold back. I'd go in my room and sit on my bed with one of my stuffed animals and my blanket and I'd cry it out. That's probably one of the reasons why I'm so emotional as well. The littlest thing can set me off, but I don't talk it out. Never have. Then I hear on the news a new study that says people that don't let their anger out and argue with the person they are having a problem with, are more likely to die from a medical condition...oh good...as if I didn't have enough to worry about.

I recall the day my grandmother died. I was only 12 or so, so it was hard to handle. My grandmother was my best friend. I spent nights over at their apartment and we used to do arts and crafts together after school because they lived right around the corner from the elementary school. I had so much fun. It was one time I could always count on to feel like I was totally and completely loved. She had asthma and was very sick. She was in the hospital off and on for the last few years before she died. She wouldn't let me or my two sisters see her when she was like that in the hospital. Then the inevitable happened and she passed away. I cried. I cried for hours on end in my room. I cried non-stop at the funeral. When I get to thinking about her I'll cry again...you know sometimes you just need a good cry. It's all a blur to me now. I hate that I'm forgetting her to some extent. I still have pictures and remember her. She was an artist and we have paintings she did hanging in the house, but it's not the same. I can't remember her smell anymore or the hug she used to give. It feels like she grows further and further away with each day. I know she doesn't, I know she's still in my heart and still watching me and hopefully smiling at what I've decided to do with my life.

What hurts just as much is that my grandfather moved on so fast and got married again and moved away. Now we don't see him except on special occasions, we don't hear from him unless something is wrong, and now I feel like a stranger to him. I guess we were never that close anyway. He disapproves of everything his grandchildren do with their lives. So we just don't talk to him that often. I keep wondering how much longer he has because he has a lot of health problems too. I dread the day we get that phone call. I kinda think that won't be too soon though because he is very stubborn in that way...lol.

I've always written down my feelings, ie: this blog or my fiction stories, and I don't get to do that as much anymore. I try to keep up on the blog, but the stories I don't do anymore. Pretty much because I write all day at work and I just don't feel like it when I get home. While I'm gonna try to start that again. Maybe it'll cheer me up when I can come home and just type. Talk about what's bothering me in something only I can read and keep track of. Getting everything out typically makes me feel a little better.

Contrary to what many people think I do try to be in a good mood. But once one thing ticks me off, that's it...the day goes completely downhill from there. Usually it's my editors fault...but what can I do? I can't call him an ass hole to his face, so I did today when I was in the ladies room...lol...he deserved it.

But anyway I really do try. Days suck when I have to go to work and come home and go to work again. I never get to spend time with the ones I love or spend time doing something for myself. Anyway, just some thoughts on the day...

Ramblings

I guess I get what I deserve. I put myself through it week after week. I let myself get so upset and worked up about everything. Why for just one week can I not be totally and completely happy? The weekends I ususally look forward to, now they're just getting as bad as the week. Maybe I overanalyze everything. Maybe I'm being a little bit selfish. Maybe I need to start seriously thinking about what makes me happy in life. Not too many things step up to the challenge there anymore.

My life revolves around work. As much as I hate that, I can't change that right now. I can't afford to change that right now. There's other people who's lives do not revolve around work, but lately they don't seem to revolve around me either. Nothing I can do will change that because it is what it is.

My friends are the greatest people in the entire world. I think there's only one that I keep in contact with from high school but she's always there when I need her and vice versa. The friends I made in college are constantly there when I need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. I just wish I had more time to see the people who truly and honestly care about me.

Everyone has priorities in their life. Whether they know that or not, people rate what they care about in order and sets a list of priorities. Sometimes it can be mentally and people may not even realize they have that list. However, people around realize what that list is just by watching and observing that person. My list is pretty simple. Of course after college the list changed for me because I no longer had schoolwork and such to mark as a priority. Work has always been one of my top priorities because I'm in this field and to advance I have to work hard and network with people who can help move me up that ladder. When I was in my second year of college I started working at Lite, and that jumped to the top of my list because I love to do it, that hasn't changed in the four years I've been working there. I remember saying many years ago in high school and college to my friends that my career would always come before any guy. I felt establishing myself in a career was more important then having some guy. As you can imagine that idea may change when you do in fact meet a guy. As it did for me. Rich quickly jumped to the top of my priorities because he always seemed to help me when I needed it and always seemed to be there for me. A year and a half later, I'm in love more then I thought possible, and I've realized that his set of priorities is different then mine. Maybe it's because he's so much older then me and had many more experiences then I have, but I had hoped that one thing would remain common. I guess I should have realized that he set his list of priorities awhile ago, and that's where they'll stay...

Just my ramblings for a Sunday morning, some things I needed to get out I guess...

Yeah...who really cares?

So I guess by the title of this you're wondering what my problem is? Well I have many lately. Some I can't expess because of the people that read this, or will happen to read this.

However the major problem is I'm sick. Not sick in the typical meaning of the word, but I'm suffering a major cold and it's making me totally miserable. I'm not one to typically complain when I'm not feeling well, but man this is harsh. I don't have time to be sick. I work a gazillion hours in a day, and weekends, and I don't have time to feel like this. My nose is running constantly and when I blow it I can't get anything out, hate that feeling. My chest is so tight and full of crap, my head feels like it's 25 times to big, and my throat is throbbing which makes it hard to breathe. Yeah maybe now I'm complaining but that's only because I don't have time for this!! I catch every cold that ever makes it's way around and it's so freaking annoying. I am ready to just go into hibernation until everything is back to the way it's supposed to be.

Second problem, while I don't actually know when I'm going to see Rich today. I know I will at some point because he has to work, but when I actually see him it won't be for very long, and after the week I've had I just need...something. I don't even know what, maybe time off, maybe time with Rich away from work (which won't happen much anymore anyway), but I just don't know anymore. Enough on that subject I suppose.

I'll move on to the lighter side of music now...you know all the good CD's seem to come out at the same time, or around the same time, same with DVD's that I want. KT Tunstall just had a new CD come out, Rascal Flatts has a new CD out now, the Backstreet Boys are supposed to be coming out with a new one which I'd like, JC Chasez as well, yeah I'm still into the boy band side I suppose. The biggest one is Carrie Underwood's at the end of October!! That one I won't wait for, I'll get that one myself...lol. As for DVD's of course CSI and CSI: Miami will have their last seasons out probably in the end of October. So yeah, Christmas is looking pretty busy this year...lol. But I just wonder how all the good artists come out with things at the same time, maybe they are doing it close to Christmas on purpose, that would make sense. Guess I answered my own question.

Well my sister is on the phone so I'm gonna wrap this one up and go breathe into the phone to give her my cold, ok maybe that won't work, but i guess it's worth a shot 'huh?

Does it look like I have 48 hours in a day?

So work is pissing me off...yes I know what you're thinking, what's new? Yeah yeah...this time is different though. My editor has been busy working on special tabs for the paper...he's had like 5 of them to do this week alone, so I understand him being stressed and not able to do as much as he usually does. And typically I don't mind helping out, but this time was different. I had to do a couple pages this week on deadline, which we never actually made this week anyway. In addition to that, they wanted me to do some extra ones, so I did the entertainment page, the valley page, and the business page, then I was asked to do the people page, in what time? In addition to all this I needed to make some phone calls and do interviews, cover night meetings, write two stories for each day. So I didn't actually do the page, and I'm sure I'll hear about it tonight when I have to go back into work. I don't even make enough money to do my own job, let alone take on this extra responsibility of putting together pages. I'm ready to just say "screw you" and walk out on them. I know I can't, but I'm only one person, unless they clone me, I can't do everything they expect me to do.

Ok, so now that I've worked myself up again and gotten upset, let's move on to a lighter subject...that still involves work though. I have a 3-day weekend!! I am so excited!! I know I've only been back to work for 2 weeks after my week-long vacation but after this week I really need to rejuvanate, I'm hoping the extra day will do that to me. Plus I get to spend it with Rich...so I'm sure that'll make it even better.

Speaking of Rich, I get to see him today too!! It's gonna be four days in a row!! Maybe that'll be the rejuvanation I need. Plus tomorrow after my shift at Lite I'm going out with a friend who I never get to go out with, so it's gonna be a good couple of days I hope!! *crosses fingers*

Update from the last post, feeling better then I was...damn allergies are still bugging the hell out of me, but the mood was better...until the past couple of days. I'm wondering how much longer I can take all this, maybe after the long weekend I'll be able to handle it a little more...I'll keep you posted.

Is there something wrong?

So it's past 1 in the morning and here I sit at my computer in my house, after just saying goodbye to Rich at the station. Not a big deal, right? But why do I come home and get online to post a blog? Especially since I was up at 7:30 this morning and 5 every morning this past week and have to get up semi-early tomorrow to work yet again...well the answer is complicated. One...I'm not tired, took a 2 hour nap today when Rich went to work. Two...I don't feel good. Three...I'm kinda down in the dumps. Let me explain.

So I had to drive about an hour today to a snowbash thing going on for the paper, had to take pictures and talk to people and all that fun stuff. It was cold, and it was raining, and I was completely miserable. When I left I was freezing and my ass was totally wet from the rain, despite me having my umbrella with me. Then I had to drive another hour to go to a Veteran Appreciation Day ceremony, which was really cool. It was still cold, but not as rainy and a little bit warmer I think. By the time I got home I was just plain miserable.

Then after two weeks I had the chance to go out with Rich again. Something that is typically very rare anyway. Usually when we get the chance to see each other, we're at work and can't do anything, or no one has money to do anything. We went mini-golfing to a new inside mini-golf place, which was ok, but very loud and crowded. I think we tied as far as scores.

So then he had to go to work and that's when I took my 2 hour nap, very nice I might add. I woke up and was freezing but felt more well rested. Then I had to go to the station to voicetrack for my Monday overnight shift. I did my show prep and voicetracked and then it was time for Rich to leave. It's the part that I never look forward to. Usually I know it's going to be at least a week before I get to see him again. Yeah he might do some fill-ins down here during the week, but when do I actually have time to do anything besides work during the week? I'm getting to the point where I dread my work weeks. The pressure of having two stories each day is beginning to make me crack, not to mention everything else associated with it...the long hours, the very low pay...is it at all worth it? I'm beginning to wonder.

Anyway, moving on...my nose has been running all night, could be associated with my allergies but I don't know. I've been freezing too. It has been cold today, only a high of like 57 or so, so maybe that's it, but I wonder if being out in the rain and cold today gave me a cold? ugh...man I hope not. My mom said a respitory infection thing is going around and her work and I catch everything that goes around so I really hope that that doesn't decide to grace me with its prescence as well.

The final thought I had for the day was it feels like there's more of goodbye then there is of actually seeing him. *sigh* Why is life so unfair sometimes? I'm beginning to wonder what the big master plan is for me. I guess at some time, hopefully in the near future, we'll see.