This is why we don't hold yard sales...

I'm exhausted and the yard sale is still a week away. That's right, we're holding a yard sale, and if you've ever held one, you know what I'm talking about. It's a hell of a lot of work. We've been going through everything we have, which is good because we've been cleaning out and able to get rid of a lot of stuff, but we have a basement full of stuff and a living room full of stuff we're selling. It's technically my sale, so I have to then price everything, which takes a lot of time. I can't wait until the weekend is over with. Yes, that's when we're holding it. Saturday and Sunday. I just hope the weather cooperates.

My mom told me if I did all the work for it I could keep the money we raise, so that's what I'm doing. It's a lot of work though so now I know why she didn't want to. lol. Of course both my parents have been going through things too, but when it comes to getting stuff together and pricing things, it's a lot of work. So I'm working on it this week, doing the last minute stuff and bringing things up from downstairs so we're ready for the weekend. Let's just hope I survive it and make it through to next week...right now I'm not so sure.

Here I am

It's been a trying couple of weeks for me. Maybe it's because of vacation and the fact that I got to spend a week with Rich, which was for the most part, great. I guess I wish it was just easier to be able to spend time with him, away from work, and be able to see him whenever I want. With him an hour or so away, I can't just hop in my car and go, especially with gas prices the way they are. It sucks. Anyway, here are just some poems, take them as they are...hope you enjoy.

Walk With Me

Walk with me, the path of life, to explore every bend of the road Enjoy with me the beauty of life, along its wonderful way

Find comfort with me, in each other's arms, when grief crosses our path Find strength with me, in each other's strength when despair lies in wait

Laugh with me, a single true laugh, to enlighten another's distress Cry with me, a single true tear, to understand true happiness

Cherish with me, the wonders of life, as they need to be preserved Rejoice with me, in the mysteries, of what is yet to be

Find peace with me, in each other's souls when the world has gone insane Find love with me, in each other's hearts until this life has been fulfilled

And if the path comes to an end I hope we can say from within We've known the beaught of true love, our love came from within <>Times in Love

There are times when words aren't enough feelings can't always be put into words; because they are inadequate and often escape us sometimes, there are only feelings.

There are times when all you need is a look; a silent, wordless connection between souls an understanding that needs no translation a natural, knowing stare that says everything.

There are times when all you need is a touch; nothing spoken - just the gesture of reaching out touching, silently transferring your energy conveying something that comes from within

There are times when all you need is acceptance to know that you are valued as you are that any changes you make only enhance you more as you discover yourself.

There are times when all you need is love no conditions or demands, only simplicity to know that for no reason at all another chooses you over all others. There are times when all you ever wanted, was to be completed by another person.

There are times when you need all of these things there are times when nothing else matters.

The Best Chance

Every building that's built Will someday come down It will age, it will buckle It will crash to the ground.

Every car that we drive Will someday just die The engine, the brakes The gas tank runs dry.

Every shirt that we purchase All the clothes that we wear They will fade and unravel They will stain, they will tear.

Every tree that's above us Never matter how tall It's time too will come And then it will fall.

Every day that we wake When the sun shines so bright We're sure we can count on The darkness of night.

Nothing lasts forever So it seems to be true But nothing's ever had a better chance Than the love I feel for you.

A Special Place

There is a special place in life, That needs my humble skill, A certain job I'm meant to do, Which no one else can fulfill.

The time will be demanding, And the pay is not too good And yet I wouldn't change it for a moment - even if I could.

There is a special place in life, A goal I must attain, A dream that I must follow, Because I won't be back again.

There is a mark that I must leave, However small it seems to be, A legacy of love for those, Who follow after me.

There is a special place in life, That only I may share, A little path that bears my name, Awaiting me somewhere.

There is a hand that I must hold, A word that I must say, A smile that I must give, For there are tears to blow away.

There is a special place in life, that I was meant to fill A sunny spot where flowers grow, upon a windy hill.

There's always a tomorrow and the best is yet to be, And somewhere in this world I know there is a place for me.

Every

Every day that I love, Every time that I breathe, I think of the love that we have shared.

Every time I see a smile, Every time I hear laughter, I think of the joy that you brought my life.

Every time I close my eyes, Every time I begin to dream, I see myself holding you near to me.

Every rose I smell, Every blooming flower I see, I see your beauty shining through your eyes.

Every glowing light, Every twinkling star, I see radiating from your heart of gold.

Everyone I see, Every voice I hear, I can only see your beauty and hear your melody.

Every boy and girl, Every husband and wife, I am reminded of you and me hand in hand.

Every love song I hear, Every romantic movie I see, I think about you and me together forever.

Every time I am alone, Every time it is quiet, I think about you, your love, and my love for you.

Every time we don't talk, Every moment we are apart, I feel my heart ache for your touch of love.

Every time I hear wedding bells, Every time I hear the death toll, I wonder if this is the beginning or end of us.

Every new day, Every coming night, I thank God for letting me know you and your love.

Every night before bed, Every time I pray, I ask for another day of loving you.

And then there was one...

So officially being home from vacation feels nice. It's always good to get away but I missed my family and of course my kitty, so it's good to be back. We got back this morning and unpacked the car and moved Rich's stuff into his car and he took off back to his place. I then managed to unpack things in a pretty timely manner and got to relax. Then went out with my mom and sis shopping and came home again. Did I mention it's good to be back?

The cottage we stayed in was nice. A little small but perfect for 3 people really. We had a very nice week weather wise. Wednesday and Friday were rainy and dreary, but other then that, perfect weather. I managed to get a sunburn the first official day we were there....bad sun burn too....I'm sure it was at least second degree burns on one part. It's my shoulder and chest that got it the worst. It was very painful to take a shower, go out in the sun or sleep for the first few days. It's still very red and started to peel a few days ago so now I'm taking care of it. Needless to say the rest of the week I put sunblock on, but was still in pain. We had fun though. Went into Old Forge shopping and into Eagle Bay and Inlet, they have some great shops up there. I highly recommend it. The lake, Fourth Lake, was also gorgeous. We watched the sunset one night and saw lots of ducks, baby ones too, on our section of the beach.

So one last day left of our vacation and I'm going to watch the Boilermaker tomorrow. Have to be up at 6 a.m. Then I'll come home and nap a bit before we go to a graduation party and a concert tomorrow night. It's a packed day but I'm looking forward to working again. I'm happy to be doing nights because that means on-air work for IBX. I'm really excited about doing that!

Ok, we're going to watch a movie, so that's the low down on the vaca! More to come!

T-minus 12 days

That's it...12 days to go. Can't wait, I need time away...Hmm...that's it for today's post...

T-minus 13 days

So the countdown has begun. Maybe it'll make it go by faster or maybe it'll make it drag out, but I need this vacation and I can't wait.

So I saw Get Smart today...awesome movie! Steve Carrell and Anne Hathaway are perfect together. It is so funny and very well done. Highly recommended to go see! What else did the day consist of? Not much...did my exercising this morning, did some fun shopping and did some planting outside. Good day overall. I'm trying to keep busy to keep my mind off the fact that I don't get to see Rich. In a perfect world I'd get to see him everyday, but it's not a perfect world and this time around it's 2 weeks...even when we're together it's only for a few hours, and it's at work a lot or we're trying to find something fun and inexpensive to do with his daughter. Nothing is inexpensive anymore, so it's hard. We make it work because, for one, I can't imagine life without him, but the vacation is going to be nice. We can actually spend time together and do some fun stuff. Even though I'm sure we'll be very busy, the fact is, we'll all be together...so I'm hoping it'll help keep me going because it's getting hard.

Anyway, I'm going to try to update daily to count down until my fun-filled vacation :)

The past month...

So a lot has happened over the past month, none of which I checked in on. The last post I told you about a job that I was hoping to get. Well, I did get it, but not the way I had expected. About 3 weeks ago I was laid off from the paper due to "econoic difficulties" or some bullshit like that. I know it was because I had mentioned looking at this other job. I thought I was doing the right thing and they were my friends who wanted the best for me. Boy was I wrong, they didn't care. They threw me out on the road. As I felt like my world was crumbling that day, everyone around me said they knew I would land on my feet. That same day I went into the station to have them kinda offer me the job I was after. Me and the other girl got it, which means we're considered part time. Normally I wouldn't mind this, but I do, because that means no benefits. I'm working about 39.5 hours a week...I need to squeeze a half hour somewhere and then maybe they'll give it to me. They said it's possible and they are working on it, so we'll see what happens with that. The bottom line, it was definitely the world's shortest unemployment.

So I've been working at WIBX for 2 and a half weeks or so and I absolutely love it. I do wish I was on the air, but I am so happy to be working there. Totally different then how the paper was the past few months. I get along with all my co-workers and am busy and almost always doing something. It really feels great. Lite hasn't suffered either, I keep doing the voicetracking, and it's been amazing on gas. I went 2 weeks without gasing up, it felt wonderful! Although all good things must come to an end if they can't get me insurance. I told them I want to stay around but I need insurance. This was their way of screwing both me and the other girl, who was also looking for insurance, over, by hiring us both part-time instead of full. They could benefit from a news department with more full-time people, we are covering a lot more then the station used to. But you know money is always the issue, and anything to keep us from getting extra.

I'm am really looking forward to vacation which is officially 2 weeks away. I can't wait to get away for a week and spend it with Rich. I do think we have some things we need to talk about, because I have some worries about things, so maybe this will give us a chance to do that.

For the past week I have been excercising, making me feel a lot better. I'm happy to be getting back downstairs to do that. I hope to continue it and I'm looking to lose some weight and get in better shape. So wish me luck with that :)

I think the final important note is that Carrie Underwood is coming to the area in October! I got my tickets today! I'm so excited. The third year in a row I get to see her, so I'm happy about that. I haven't been a fan of anyone as much since NSync...lol.

So yeah, been a busy month here, hopefully I didn't lose anything out and hopefully I'll check in again soon and let you know what's going on. Take care and peace out until next time.

What do I do?

I'm torn. I've wanted a new job for quite some time and now that I'm on the brink of getting that I don't know what to do. Things changed at the paper after the editor left. I really like the new editor and her and I get along really good. Gas prices are beginning to kill me though. Almost $4 a gallon and I'm struggling to make it work.

As the position is officially open at WIBX I tell myself I should go for it. Maybe I've just gotten too comfortable at the paper. Starting something new always makes me very nervous and that's probably part of the problem. I shouldn't be nervous, I have worked with these people for the past 5 years, and known some of them longer then that. They are great people and radio is my passion...right? I'd get to do the news on the air and do the reporting end of things. I'll also get to keep doing my voicetracking for Lite as I was told that could be added into my salary, which by the way is way more then I'm making now, and I wouldn't have the added expense of gas weekly. I'm sure I'd be able to make it a couple weeks on a tank of gas. So you can say the pros definitely outway the cons...so why am I so undecided?

I kinda think I'm afraid to give radio the full-time chance and I'm afraid of leaving newspapers. People always say doing something new is difficult, so what I need to do is be able to take a leap of faith and jump into it knowing that I am doing this to advance my career.

At the same time I can't stop thinking about Rich. This gig at IBX is a night gig where I'd be working at like 2 and until I get done with my meetings...I would also have to have time to voicetrack for Lite somewhere in there. So what does this all mean? Not talking to him most days and not seeing him as much as I am now...I've always said a guy would never be factored into a decision that would advance my career...but that was before I fell head over heels in love with him. I admit seeing him once a week is better then none, and I'm accepting that...it's just hard. I would also have most weekends off. I would be working like once every third Saturday or something and it would be really early in the morning.

See how confused I am? I just need to believe that this is where I'm supposed to be going with my career. I have another meeting with them to discuss pay and hours and the job on Thursday so I guess we'll go from there. I also talked to my editor at work. She of course said she didn't want to lose me, but she also wished me luck at getting the job and said it would be hard to replace me. She knows radio is what I ultimately really want to do.

So yes I'm torn and if you have any suggestions I would love to hear them. As of now I'm trying to keep focus on the present and see what happens on Thursday. I'll definitely be back to keep you posted. So stay tuned...

Another weekend comes to a close...

So I'm just sitting here now, waiting for Rich to get back online. Sometimes I feel pathetic. We spent the weekend together and now that he's gone, I kinda feel like I don't know who I am or what to do. I feel like I'm half of myself I guess, if that makes any sense. I live my weeks waiting for the weekend and the time I get to spend with him and then when he leaves I don't know what to do with myself.

Well it's one of those days I guess and I don't have much else to say at all...so off I go to try to kill some time...

Yes I'm here

It's been a long time since I've checked in here. I've been busy working, working and working. I just wanted to send a quick note to let everyone know I'm still here and alive. I don't really have much else to say. Hopefully I have time to fully check in sometime soon.

Why's it have to be so complicated?

So my life has been full of working, working and well...working. Ever since these hours were changed for me at work I get no time to do anything for myself...I guess that's OK in some sense because it doesn't give me much time to think about how much time I DON'T get to see Rich. It just keeps getting harder and harder and I try so much to either see him or understand why I can't, but it's hard. I can't help it. Yes, I get upset, but then I try to see him for a weekend and it's OK again, but then it goes back to the way it was before. I spend more time being upset then I do being happy lately.

Ok on to a much lighter story...sprained my ankle pretty bad yesterday, I am such a klutz, but makes it very hard to walk today, have it wrapped and such...work will be interesting today I'm sure since work involves doing some walking.

Well I guess I don't have much else to say right now, nothing else has really happened lately...have I mentioned all I do is work?

What a change a month can have...

So I know I haven't posted in a month, I guess I should've with everything I've had to deal with lately. It's seriously been a worldwind of crap in my life lately.

To start it off 3 weeks ago we had to put our dog to sleep. You never really know how much a part of the family they become. She was 14 years old and her liver was starting to fail. The vet said with meds we could keep her alive for another 6 months to a year, but why would we put her through all that pain? She went downhill fast and no one was expecting it. It's weird to come into the house without her here. The cats been taking it hard too. Walking around crying and being really clingy lately. I can talk about her now without really crying so we're all doing our best to move on, although it's hard sometimes to look at pictures of her when she was young. She was a really good dog.

Next is the freaking changes at work. They switched our hours at work so every other week the reporters have to work 2-11 p.m. Man does that suck. It screwed up my entire schedule at my other job, which no one seems to care about. So I'm sick of the shit and am in the midst of looking for another job. I've interviewed at one that I inerviewed at before, but for some reason it just seems like he's totally not interested. Never returns my calls or e-mails, I don't know...just a sense that he doesn't want me there, that's fine...I'll move on and keep looking. I'll get a desk job if I have to. I'd make more money at that job at least. We were never consulted about the changes at work. Just told to be there at a certain time as our hours are changing...gee thanks, really appreciate the 3 day headsup...it's insane if you ask me. So that's where works at lately.

My boss at the station has been really good at dealing with these new hours. He says the voicetracking position is mine until I don't want it anymore. It just makes for really long days to go to the station from noon to 1:15 or so and then to work from 2-11. But I'm making it work for the time being.

That's pretty much it for the crappy changes that have been happening. Good things are on the horizon too. Planning a mini-vacation with Rich to go see my sister in Boston for a weekend. Also seeing what we can do about an Orlando and Disney World vacation in July. Also, who's idea was it to put Valentine's Day on a Thursday? Come on..lol. Well at least I don't work a 2-11 that day, I have an 8-5, so that's a little better. Not that there are any plans, but still...better then working at night.

Well that's pretty much what's new and not-so-exciting for me. My coffee is done so going to go get that and some breakfast and I have a yucky doctors appointment in a little bit too...fun times.

My Personality

It's something not many people understand. I've always been a quiet person, it's just me. I blame it on being a middle child where really no one listened to me as much as my sisters. But, I was quite content being a quiet person. I was happy. I absorbed myself into the elementary, junior high and high school band. I didn't have a lot of friends but I had really good friends.

In high school I also absorbed myself in a local radio station, which ultimately led me to the track I am on today. I always loved to write which led me to the journalism end of it.

I often think back to the teachers I had or the people in school who thought I was weird because I never talked...do they hear me now or read my articles? What would they say if they knew where my life was now?

My personality, however, can work against me more then for me. I never (or hardly ever) talked about my feelings. I held everything in and cried in my room. So when people ask me to talk about what I'm feeling I guess in some sense I get scared. I'm not used to that. As much as I want to, it's very awkward for me to. I've started to talk about my feelings more then I used to. But it really scares me. I guess I've always tried to make people think they're right and to please people at all times and the fact is it scares me to think people might be mad at me over something. I don't know.

I always wondered how I ended up with this personality, but the truth is I don't think I would be where I am today without this peronality.

I love being a journalist and writing for a living, I do miss writing for fun, I don't do that very much anymore since I'm writing everyday. I also love being on the radio, the rush I get every time I turn on that mic, it shows me that I was meant to do it. And to receive e-mails and feedback from listeners, it makes it all worth it.

Although I work a lot, I do it mainly to keep my mind off of other things. I may complain about it, but if I wasn't working I would go insane. Lately my mood has been pretty good after working. I get into a groove and I get ok.

Anyway, it's just some things that have been on my mind lately. Kind of weird to have my personality on my mind, but it has been lately. So yeah, just some thoughts to ponder for the day...

Why?

Why is it so hard for me to be completely happy? For moments in time I can feel what it can be to not have a care in the world. And before I know it it's taken away by the end of a day.

Why can't it get easier as time goes by? I find myself falling harder with each passing day. No matter how hard I try to forget about him for a moment at a time, I find myself falling further under his trance.

Why can't I understand what's going through my head? I get asked questions I don't know the answers to. I know what I want but have no idea how to go about getting it.

Why can't everything just be perfect? For once I would just like to get everything I want at the time I want. What I want is always an arms length out of reach.

Why does this act continue and how long will it go on? Pretending I'm as happy as people think. Pretending I'm ok when I'm not. And most of all putting on this act for everyone so no one truly sees what's inside.

Why can't I just live my life with who I want without all the hurdles and obstacles in front of me? Is it God's way of testing me? Am I able to handle everything thrown at me and not screw anything up?

My life really is at one of the best places it has been, if only every area of my life could possibly be perfect. Maybe at some point it will be...until then I have to make sure I don't screw things up.

Lost

Have you heard the new song by Faith Hill? It's not totally new new, but it's her newest. It's called "Lost." We've been playing it at Lite for quite some time, but just recently I really started to listen to the words of the song. It is very nice and fits right into how I've been feeling lately. The lyrics are below and if you haven't listend to the actual song yet, I suggest you do and let me know what you think.

Is it obvious to you, When you walk into a room, Your face is all I see, And my heart races so fast, I never knew a rush to feel like that, Every time you're touching me.

I never did believe in anything, I couldn't hold between my fingers, But the way you make me feel, It's just so real the way it lingers.

I get lost inside your stare, Lost when you're not there, When everything I have doesn't mean a thing, If it's without you, If it's a dream, don't wake me up, I'll scream if this isn't love, If bein' lost means never knowin', How it feels without you, I wanna stay lost (forever), (I wanna stay lost forever with you).

No, this feeling doesn't end, It's with me everywhere I am, Hope it never goes away, It's like defying gravity, Losin' all control and bein' free, And I always wanna stay.

I never thought that I'd let go, Long enough to fall for someone deeply, Who had the power to erase my fears, And find me so completely.

I get lost inside your stare, Lost when you're not there, When everything I have doesn't mean a thing, If it's without you, If it's a dream, don't wake me up, I'll scream if this isn't love, If bein' lost means never knowin', How it feels without you, I wanna stay lost (forever), (I wanna stay lost forever with you).

Don't tell me where we're goin', I don't wanna know, I like the mystery (I like the mystery), I can't believe we've come this far, So far away from where we started off, You found me when I wasn't lookin', You found me.

And now I'm lost inside your stare, Lost when you're not there, And everything I have doesn't mean a thing, If it's without you, Without you, If it's a dream, Don't wake me up, I'll scream if this isn't love, If bein' lost means never knowin', How it feels without you, Yeah, if bein' lost means never knowin', How it feels without you, Oh, if bein' lost means that I'm never, Gonna be without you, I wanna stay lost forever, I wanna stay lost forever with you.

Middle Child Syndrome?

You know you'd think at the age of 23 this shit would have been long gone.

You've probably heard all about middle child syndrome, even if you're not a middle child. The older kid gets to do anything they want, the younger is the baby and can do no wrong...where's that leave the ones in the middle? It leaves them there to do everything else that the other two aren't doing. Sometimes you have a middle child sibling as well, so it's not as bad because there's the two of you who can stick together, but when you're like myself, you have three girls, and I'm stuck in the middle.

I suffered from it pretty bad when I was little. But now my older sister is out of the house you think I would be the oldest and ready to do anything I want. I guess it's the price I pay for living at home still. I wish I could make enough to move out, I would in a heartbeat. I get home from a long day at work and all I want to do is sit for a little bit and drink a cup of coffee, maybe talk to a few people online, but my mom gets after me to do the dishes, do laundry, make coffee, do this, do that. Mind you my little sister (who is almost 21, so she is capable too) is out of college until the end of this month and sits on her lazy ass all day doing absolutely nothing but watching television. She doesn't get yelled at to do anything. I say why can't she do it, and my mom yells at me and says "because I told you to." What the hell is that? Usually the excuse is that my little sister has to clean her room (mind you her room is disgusting at all times!) So, this is the price I pay for deciding to keep my room clean? Maybe I should test that theory and trash my room and see what happens...but I'm not 2 and I do way more then my share of house work, as well as work 2 jobs, I'm home for 2, maybe 3, hours a day, not including the time I'm asleep.

Tell me if you're old like me and still suffer from middle child syndrome? I don't think it is that anymore, I just think it's because I've proven I'm capable of doing such things

So, anyone looking for roommates? I'd love to get out of here. lol.

It's the new year...does it really matter?

First and foremost, Happy New Year! Hope everyone has a wonderful 2008 and hope you had a happy and safe celebration to ring in the new year.

Me...well I was in tears shortly before midnight and shortly after midnight...a freaking wonderful way to ring in the new year. I should be used to disappointments. Lately that seems to come more often then not. In my relationship, I understand it comes as a package deal. I've been ok with that, but now that we're heading into our second anniversary it's beginning to take a toll. I never get to see him, except on Saturdays for a short time, and in between if I get to, he has to bring his daughter along. I love her, I really do, but in some cases you need some "adult" time as well. I'm so not ready to be thrown into the full-time role that he seems to be trying to get out of me. He says he loves spending time with "both of his girls," but I just don't know. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm getting in over my head, especially since he seems to have me in tears more times then not lately.

We were supposed to spend New Years together, with my family...but I get a phone call at 8:30 or so and he says he has no one to watch his daughter. That's what he gets for not planning something out. So yeah...I'm disappointed and upset and feel like I have no right to be. He says him and his daughter are coming out today (new years day) to spend the day with me. Mind you I'm sick with a cold and really not feeling good, and really have no patience for a 5-year-old right now. Again, I feel bad for this. So I do some thinking and despite how much I desperately wanted and needed to see him, I send him an e-mail at 1 a.m. and tell him not to come out. I need to rest to get over this cold and my mom, who has been sick lately too, doesn't want his daughter running around the house, I can't blame her. So now I'm sure I've upset him and again feel bad, although I think I'm in the right here.

I guess I was hoping he would get a message out of this. So now I don't get to see him until Saturday, and that's only if he decides to come up early to see me. I just don't know if all this pain and me being upset is worth it.

I guess only time will tell just where we're headed...

The holidays

So Merry belated Christmas!! I hope Santa was good to you giving you everything you wanted. My holiday spirit disapperaed sometime about a month ago I think. I'm sick of people not remembering what this season is all about. This is a religious season, yet people who aren't religious celebrate the holiday the same and make their kids greedy because they want this and they want that. This is a season to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, not to receive presents. I love giving presents. I love watcing the faces of the people I give to as they open their presents.

This holiday season I took some time when I was out amongst the hustle and bustle of the holiday crowds to watch the people out shopping. Carrying huge bags of items from store to store, pushing and shoving their way through crowds, pulling items away from people, when did the holiday season become this? Maybe I've just never noticed this before but watching all of it just made my holiday spirit go right out the window. I've tried but I just can't seem to change it this year.

I've also been thinking a lot about my grandmother lately. I don't know why I all of a sudden started thinking about her. She passed away when I was probably 11 or 12 so I don't know why I've started thinking about her. I've actually been wondering if she'd be proud of where I'm at now in my life. I'm sure she would be. Also when we got robbed earlier this year, one of the things that was taken was a necklace that was given to me by my grandfather. It was the year my grandma passed away and for my birthday that year he gave me the necklace and told me she had bought it for me before she passed away. Every time I missed her I put the necklace on. I didn't wear it all that often as I got older, but just seeing it there in my jewelry box reminded me of the person she was and how much she loved me. I knew she was watching over me. Now that it's gone...I feel as though she's so much further away. I often wonder if at some point I'll forget about her and the way she smells or the kind of person she is. Things that I remembered for so long after she died.

But as the New Year approaches I'm hoping it'll bring new challenges for me and hopefully a new job as well as the same love I've been experiencing from my family, friends and boyfriend. That would be the perfect year.

Sitting here...

So I'm just sitting here...and thinking. It's almost 5 p.m. on Sunday evening and I just finished a mini-crying break. I'm an emtional person and as I say sometimes you just need to cry. I wish I didn't need to or that I could prevent other people from seeing that I need to. But no such luck.

This has been a weekend I have been looking forward to for a long time. I had my company Christmas party Saturday, open bar, great food and a DJ, it was definitely great. I do wish my mouth felt a little better. I'm back on my pain pills and it's throbbing again and I don't know why, but the weekend was set to be amazing.

Today was my alumni brunch and it was great getting to see friends and meet some new people and have some great food. The best part about the entire weekend was I got to do it all with Rich, which makes me happy. The only time I am happy lately is when I get to be with him, outside of work. We also went Christmas shopping after the brunch, which was also great.

So why the crying? Well Rich left about a half hour ago, and yeah I don't like that, but that's not what upset me. It's something he said as we were driving home from the mall. His dad is not happy with him spending all this money in gas to come up here to work...or see me. This coming Friday he said he would come up here and we would go out shopping so he could do some more of his Christmas shopping, but then he got to talking about his dad and said he could go up to Albany to do his shopping since it is a little bit closer. Of course I said he didn't have to come up here if he didn't want to...but what kind of girlfriend makes her boyfried go somewhere he wouldn't want to go. I was hoping that not seeing me all week would make him want to come up here to see me...especially since Saturday I'm gonna be in a pissyass mood because I'm on the air for 6 hours and his ass is gonna be in a damn production room anyway so I'm not even going to see him or spend time with him. Guess not.

I hate being like this because it makes me feel that I'm being too clingy or needy and that a good girlfriend would let her boyfriend do whatever he wanted. I can't help it. He work as much as me now and he never gets online when he gets home and I sit here looking like an idiot waiting for him so I can talk to him for a half hour before I go to bed. And when I don't get to talk to him I get upset and he doesn't understand why. *sigh* Now I gave myself a headache and made my mouth hurt again so I'm going to go take some drugs, eat some dinner, drink some coffee, and get ready to head out for the evening to get my mind off of Rich.

Did I mention the only time I'm happy is when I'm with him *sigh* No one ever said this would be easy.

What is it?

So if you know me at all you know I love Christmas. Love everything about it, always have. This year...not so much. I just can't get in the Christmas spirit as much as I usually do. It's been a very different year for me. It's also flown by and there have been so many changes for me.

There's something about thinking about the holiday that usually makes me smile and happy, but then I go out. People seem to have forgotten about what this time of year actually represents. They are hustling and bustling around the stores shopping for Christmas gifts or decorations, they are in a hurry in parking lots honking horns at people who are crossing or "in their way." They seem to have forgotten that this time of year is not about the shopping or the getting gifts or sending Chistmas cards or running to the post office to mail packages. I get so irritated with people pushing me in the stores or running to get that last item on the shelf of that "popular" gift for the year. I could just stand there and look around in amazement that anyone could be like that.

Yeah I'm a religious person so maybe that's why it hasn't escaped me that the word CHRIST is in Christmas for a reason. I won't go on a religious speal or anything, but He is the reason we celebrate this time of year. I wish some more people would realize that it's not about that important toy or giving your kids or grandkids hundreds of gifts.

I love shopping for people, I love giving the people I love what they want and watching their faces light up, but this year just seems to be different then most times. I still get the people I love those great gifts that they want, but I don't seem to be shopping with a smile lately because I have to run into those people that expect you to move out of their way or bend over backwards to make their shopping experience great.

I think the lack of Christmas spirit this year just comes from the irritation that people don't recognize what should be recognized this time of year. The fact that I don't get to spend the holiday with everyone I love...again...might also have something to do with it.

As the holiday approaches we'll see if I can try to increase some of this Chrstmas spirit.

Well...

So I'm getting fed up.

It's not what you might think. Work has actually been really good lately. My family has been fine...what's that leave? Yeah...you figure it out.

I can come home happy from work now...tired but nonetheless happy. Then when I try to share that with someone it just upsets me because sometimes it seems as if he doesn't care. Yeah he has his own stuff going on too...now more then ever with the new job, but I'm busy with my full time job and my part time job, yet I still make time to talk to him EVERYDAY, but he claims he's busy or he has to go do this or that, yeah thanks for making time for me, your girlfriend. I keep telling myself I'll give him a taste of his own medicine by not logging on line sometime to talk to him, but I can't because I actually want to talk to him. I guess that doesn't swing both ways though. Yet he doesn't seem to get it.

I talk to friends about it and they have some good advice in most cases, but in others they don't know what to do. I wish it didn't irritate me and upset me so much when he pulls this shit, but it does and I end up crying myself to sleep. That's healthy right? I know it's a guy thing, they obviously need their space and time away, fine, but we get all week away from each other because, well, apparently it's up to me to find time to spend together.

Here I go again, upset and alone, what's new there? You know it's kinda funny. This post was originally going to be about how I was actually happy for once spending almost all day with him yesterday, but how things change when yet again he's too busy to talk to me. Yet I always forgive him. Why? I know I hate confrontation and usually our arguments are on line, which is a pain in the ass. Maybe we need to talk it out, but he can't be serious enough to do that. When I'm upset he makes a joke about it or something. He doesn't get it. Yeah, sometimes it's good to laugh, but sometimes I want him to be serious. But when I get upset at him he makes me feel so freaking bad that I end up forgiving him. Maybe I'm out of line for getting upset but I think sometimes I have good reason to get upset.

If only this post would change anything...at least I feel a litle better after talking about it...if only...