Time has passed but the hurt and sadness hasn't

It's been almost a year...

Almost a year since I lost one of my best friends. As we approach the holiday season she has been on my mind more and more. I don't remember a holiday when she wasn't there laying at our feet as we unwrapped presents or trying to eat the wrapping paper. I was so excited about shopping for her last year and the gift I got her was only good for a month or so. I wish I had known at the last holiday that she wouldn't be around for this one. Then we could've done something special.

I know she's at a better place. I saw her that last morning before I went to work. I gave her a hug and kiss and deep down knew I would never see her again. I cried for days. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, all I could do was think about her. She's done so much for us and we could do nothing for her. It seemed so unfair. What did she do to deserve this?

Throughout every major event this past year I still thought about her. We share memories and think about the good times we had. The first time we set our eyes on her at camp. She was just a puppy. Too shy to even come near us at first.

Sometimes I walk into the living room and feel sad that she's not on the couch cuddling with the blankets or she doesn't meet me at the door anymore. She's in a better place. I try to believe it, I really do. But I can't stop thinking about how unfair it is. She was our best friend. She cuddled with us when we were sick and played with us when we needed to cheer up.

As much as I know this is the best for all of us, my heart is still sad. I've been missing a part of my heart for almost a year. I hope one day it will be healed, but she will never be forgotten. The holiday won't be the same without her. RIP Bessie...we love you and miss you!

It's Christmas time...

So 15 days and counting until Christmas. I haven't really been in the Christmas spirit this year. I've done things I'm supposed to, such as put up Christmas lights outside and put up the tree and decorations. I even did some baking and went to battle the crowds to do Christmas shopping, not to mention listen to Christmas music. But, in the end, I'm just not as enthusiastic as I was last year. I am looking forward to Christmas, but this year there's nothing I need. I've asked people to give to some charities in my name. Those people need it more then I do. I'm looking forward to Christmas only because my sister is coming home for Christmas for the first time in 4 or 5 years. I can't wait. For me Christmas isn't about the decorations, the cookies, the music, or the hustle and bustle. It's about spending time with people I love. Maybe since my sister is coming home this year it hit me and is just making the whole holiday season not as exciting. It's not about receiving gifts, it's about the baby Jesus being born in a stable in Bethlehem. It's something to keep in mind during your holiday celebrations this year. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. Below are a few poems to maybe get you in the spirit of the season.

Christmas

Hustle and bustle and hurry and run

looking for gifts that bring so much fun.

A visit to Santa we also must make

because of our children for all of our sakes.

The food preparations must get underway

like cookies and candies for our special day.

Gifts must be wrapped and bows must be tied

and trees must be trimmed and lights hung outside.

Cards must be bought and then must be signed

and addressed and mailed to reach friends on time.

The kids must be bathed and tucked into bed

where they will wait to hear Santa's sled.

But when morning comes midst all the squeals,

faces depicting what our children feel;

it makes all the hustle and hurry and run

so very worthwhile for these little ones.

Now let's remember the child in our lives

given to us when God's son arrived.

to teach us to love each other and then

to die on the corss to save us from sin.

The True Spirit of Christmas

Lots of people

Crowds everywhere

Rushing and pushing and shoving,

Going nowhere.

It's Christmas time again

Have to get all those things done

Hustle, bustle, quickly,

We must beat the sun.

Must get this and must get that

Maybe this nic, maybe that nak

When did it happen?

When did we lose track...

It's a race, yes it is

We are running, yes we are

But lets not forget

Before we get too far -

What is really really important

Doesn't take much to figure out

Take time to love

and love from the heart.

The Most Joyful Time of the Year

Christmas...the season of love

Love of family, friends and people in need

Our hearts are happy. Our hearts are warmed.

As we give and as we receive.

And turn away all thoughts of greed.

Christmas...a time for joy

Sleigh bells ring. Skaters twirl.

Sledding glee for boys and girls.

Carolers walk in every town and sing.

Of Christ our Savior. Of Christ our King.

Christmas...the best time of the year

Time to share love from above.

Time for joy. Time for Cheer.

May we share the Spirit of Christmas

Forever throughout the year.

Top 25 Teen Idols of All-Time?

Well we'll see about that won't we? There's been a list released of the top 25 teen idols of all-time and you may be surprised at who tops the list and even who makes the list. Thought I'd share and get your input on it. So the list will be below and my notes for each artist will be at the end of the artist in parethesis ( ) with EDITORS NOTE by it, so pay attention to my thoughts! Enjoy and let me know what you think! This was posted on Monday, December 1, 2008 at 6:04 p.m. PST by Rob O'Connor in List of the Day.

With both Taylor Swift and Britney Spears releasing new albums, it's time we thought about teen idols, doncha think?

Who doesn't love a teen idol? After all, they're so young! And as we age and slowly become decrepit, we look back at our youth and wonder at the innocence of it all. For the most part, I tried to stick with performers who were actual teenangers when they inspired their peers. However, Davy Jones was clearly a bit older when he swooned Marcia Brady's heart and he is the very definition of a teen idol, as was David Cassidy. These days, we're much better at making sure oru teen idols are teenagers. Or at least were teenagers. Funny thing is they eventually grow up - like Britney. And develop into fine, fine citizens of the world. Or not.

Anyhow ranking them seems a little silly. I know from past experience that many of you dear readers will complain about someone's position on the list. I sympathize. If I woke up tomorrow to do this ranking system it would come out differently. There are no hard, fast rules here. Just me typing a name out and thinking that it looks nice in that spot. Or someone's got to be cut from this list. And since most of the people appearing on the list didn't get back to me about some "bonus" issues, well, we'll just let karma and fate and my accountant settle things once and for all.

No matter how you feel about these people, please remember to brush your teeth at least twice a day and stay away from those sugary snacks. Wheat thins are in! And careful with that cell phone. Who know if it really causes brain cancer? I'd hate tobe on the wrong side of that argument, which is why I prefer the U.S. Mail. Write a letter to your friends instead.

25) 98 Degrees: I remember when a friend of mine was telling me about these guys. His daughters were really into them. But he kept calling them 38 Degrees and I kept wondering what was the significance of being six degrees above freezing. (EDITORS NOTE: Ok so I was, as many teenagers were, a fan of 98 Degrees. Even saw them in concert, 4 rows back at the NYS Fair. Was it fair to say they should make this list? Yeah I think so)

24) Tiffany: We just featured Tiff in our "Where Are They Now?" column and she's still out there remaking herself as a danceclub diva. But back in the 1980s she was the girl next door singing at the mall, raking in the money and making you wonder why your band couldn't get that gig. After all, you didn't need Tommy James covers, you'd written an entire concept album called The Mind of Walter. (EDITORS NOTE: So I only know Tiffany through some of her music that I've heard but I've also read articles and see that she was a pretty big artist in the 80's and she may deserve the Teen Idol status)

23) Brandy: I went looking to find out more about this wonderful singer and came across this information: "She is the sister of singer and actor William Raymond Norwood and a cousin of blues singer Bo Diddley and rapper Snoop Dogg." Is this true? If so, is everyone in the music business related? I've heard we're each other's brother and sister, but this is taking things too far. (EDITORS NOTE: Brandy is a wonderful singer and artist, however making the Teen Idol list I think may be a stretch)

22) New Kids On The Block: These kids were huge in their day and these days they can't even get a reality TV show, can they? I'm told they released a new album this year. Did anyone notice? I'm told the album debuted at #1 on the charts and has gone Gold. But who bought it? Teens? Fully grown adults who remember them back when? Who are these people? (EDITORS NOTE: I remember when my sister was hooked on New Kids, I was still a little too young to follow them. Do they deserve this? Yes I think they do. But as for the comeback this year, what are they looking for Teen Idol status all over again? Give me a break)

21) Frankie Lymon: His life was tragic. "Why Do Fools Fall In Love?" guaranteed him success and then his voice changed and the people who managed him weren't very good to him and he was introduced to heroin and he died of an overdose at 25. Sometimes success isn't exactly success. Hey, Artie Lange, keep an eye on yourself (we went to high school together, this is true!) (EDITORS NOTE: Never heard of him, so Teen Idol status, think it's overrated for him)

20) Shaun Cassidy: His amazing version of "Da Doo Ron Ron" remains one of pop music's all-time classics and certainly everyone should own a copy. If you don't, do not pass. Go, do not collect $200 and go directly to jail!" (EDITORS NOTE: I haven't heard much about Shaun Cassidy, however what I have heard points in the direction that he deserve to be on this list)

19) Debbie Gibson: Deborah to us now. And recently featured in my "Where Are They Now?" column. She was the cleanest, most wholesome of the lot and then she poses in Playboy to shatter our image of her and to promote an album called Naked. You expect certain folks to do these things, but not our Little Debbie! (Great snack food, too.) (EDITORS NOTE: Debbie Gibson was definitely a huge pop star in the 80's and followed by droves of fans, so the recognition is well deserved I think)

18) Ricky Nelson: From The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet to more than 50 Top 100 Hits to "Garden Party" to siring two sons who would go on to '80's rock fame as Nelson, Ricky had done it all. He set the standard for others and yet never quite got the respect that many other less successful artists received. He should've filed a petition! (EDITORS NOTE: He didn't receive the recognition or the publicity, never heard a song from him)

17) *NSync: I guess any band with Justin Timberlake and Lance Bass should be considered a "Supergroup" of sorts. I mean, even I've heard of them and I wouldn't know these guys from Backstreet Boys, who I'm ranking higher because they have a better name, or 98 Degrees, who I ranked lower because of their lamer name. It's not an exact science, folks. (EDITORS NOTE: As a HUGE NSync fan and having been to 4 amazing concerts from them, I gotta say they deserve to be ranked higher. Maybe I'm a biased person, but anyone that can shut down every street surrounding the Today show building when they perform, or sell out a concert in a minute, or break records by the most one-day album sales ever, deserve a high ranking)

16) LeAnn Rimes: It's a shame she grew up because she made a great teenager. But we all knew it was bound to happen. We saw it happen with Alyssa Milano. So there was previous proof. She's currently 26! And she continues to have success - proving she wasn't just some teen flash-in-the-pan, but a force of a nature. (EDITORS NOTE: I have to agree with this one. LeAnn is amazing and continues to make albums and hits so this is a well-deserved recognition.)

15) Silverchair: I've already been taken to task for not realizing that these guys still had a career going after their first initial success. Damn. I should've known something was up when I saw they worked with Van Dyke Parks. That's not someone you call upon when you want a hit. That's who you call when you want prestige and to sell no records whatsoever. Unless you're the Beach Boys, then you call him because you want to get weird - and annoy Mike Love. (EDITORS NOTE: Can't comment on this one since I don't know this group)

14) Hanson: Who didn't think these guys were the best? They always looked uncomfortable and awkward and you figured the little drummer boy in the back would eventually become a terror. They had to know that "MmmBop" wasn't going to help them be taken seriously. Catchy tune. Big hit. But it's kind of like farting on your first date. Everyone remembers, but not everyone is impressed. (EDITORS NOTE: I'm a Hanson hater and think "MmmBop" was the dumbest song ever. They don't even deserve the title of musicians, let alone teen idol)

13) Backstreet Boys: Given the 13th position strictly because I like their name. They've sold over 120 million albums but not oen of them to me or anyone I know and I assume that most of those albums - CDs? - are now sitting in a landfill somewhere alongside my old computer and my Atari 2600. Damn, I miss that thing. (EDITORS NOTE: Backstreet deserve some recognition, but not this much - did they break any records? I think not)

12) Jonas Brothers: I've been to Wyckoff, New Jersey, so there's a chance that I once ran into these guys when they were little tykes probably trying to run me over with their tricycles. These days, they could buy and sell me. I just hope these talented young men are putting aways their money into smart, retirement plans because even though right now the horrors of old age may seem to be in the distant future it will come sooner than they think. But, hey, for now, let's celebrate! (EDITORS NOTE: Give me a break! The Jonas Brothers? Enough said...)

11) Taylor Swift: Maybe Joe Jonas can dump her in 27 seconds on the phone, but just for that we're putting her one spot ahead of those guys - to teach them a lesson! We here at List of the Day will not stand for guys breaking up with girls over the phone. That's what the mail is for! (EDITORS NOTE: Taylor is a talented young lady - just not when she sings Christmas songs - so recogntion while deserved)

10) Menudo: What I liked about this group was how you got kicked out after you got too old. It didn't matter what you had contributed, it was time to move on. Imagine if we could do that to all those old, senile high school teachers who keep reading from the same yellowed notes year after year. Or to the mail delivery person who no longer can remember which box is which and keeps giving my mail to the neighbors. Forced retirement at age 17 might seem a bit extreme, but reality burns sometimes. (EDITORS NOTE: Wasn't Ricky Matin in this group? Enough said...no recognition deserved there)

9) Donny and Marie: She was a little bit country and he was a little bit rock n' roll, and we do mean a little bit. These two had their own variety show that if I remember correctly was on Friday nights, which served as a reminder that you were HOME on a Friday night. They had so many teeth there should've been a dental inquiry. (EDITORS NOTE: Donny and Marie are very talented in their own right and I loved their show)

8) Lulu: I'm including her because of her name. It's a great one. And she was a teen star. And I'm figuring about 3 per cent of my reading public remember her. And the rest will just ignore this entry and move on to the one about Michael Jackson or maybe Avril. Our attention spans are like that. (EDITORS NOTE: Not one of the 3 percent, enough said)

7) Tanya Tucker: These days young ones are so much more commonplace but back in the 1970s, it was always as if they had "blue laws" stopping youth from happening. Tanya took over the country world with "Delta Dawn" at 13 and "Would You Lay With Me (In A Field Of Stone)" was among her hits that caused people to raise their eyebrows and wonder where the world was headed. They would've shuddered to learn about Gangsta Rap, that's for sure. (EDITORS NOTE: Never heard of her either)

6) Michael Jackson: Michael wasn't even a teen when he started his career. He had so much of a head start on everyone else it practically wasn't fair. That it turned out he had actual talent must've been a surprise to everyone. I mean, when a kid is nine, you can't map out what he'll be doing at 20 or 30. Weathermen can't even figure out what's going to happen in three days! (EDITORS NOTE: The "King of Pop" deserves to be recognized as a huge teen idol because that he was. If only he could stop turning white and keep his hands to himself)

5) David Cassidy: Another one of these guys who was a little old by today's standards. But he had that show - The Partridge Family - and maybe he wasn't always crazy about performing on the show but I'm pretty sure Willie Aames would've killed for that opportunity to perform regularly, as his band only got to perform once on Eight is Enough, which was a show that starred Dick Van Patten, an absolutely legend here at Y! Music. (EDITORS NOTE: David Cassidy was a teen idol in his day and I think he rightfully earned a spot as one of the top 25 of all-time)

4) Avril LaVigne: She made skater kids go mainstream and took the punk she found at the mall and went for it. I don't imagine she'll ever be teaming up with the guys from Fear or Black Flag, but then who knows? Weirder things have happened. And often do - if you live long enough. (EDITORS NOTE: Avril is a great artist and singer I think, but as for being this high up on the list, not so sure about that)

3) Miley Cyrus: I can't get over how much more teenager is left in this girl. It seems like she's been popular forever. I can baretly remember a world where she wasn't dominating the lunch box market. But then I can baretly remember where I put my shoes. (EDITORS NOTE: Give me a break! Miley this, Hannah Montana that, give me a break! See what happens to her when she grows up, another Britney perhaps?)

2) Britney Spears: Her song have always been catchy. Which when you're performing pop music really helps. And she's been controversial, which when you're performing pop music really helps. And she likes attention, which when you're performing pop music really helps. And we here at Y! Music really like her too which when you're performing pop music really helps. (EDITORS NOTE: Ok, so yes Britney deserve a spot on this list, but #2? Not sure about that. I've been second row at a Britney concert and do thinks she rocks in concert, but her life, not so much)

1) Davy Jones: This is where my own bias has to show. It's impossible to really determine a #1. So considering his A-1 performance of "Girl" on The Brady Bunch and his agreement to attend the prom with Marcia, well, what a swell guy. He did attend the prom with her, didn't he? (EDITORS NOTE: Not even close to being right on this one!)

Ok so that's the list...the only other things I have to add is, where are the other artists? You know The Beatles, The Monkees? The groups and artists who set the bar so high for some of these other so called "teen idols" Maybe someday I'll be inspired to put together my own list.

The holiday season

So it's been a long time since I've checked in...what a surprise there, right? Work and life seems to be keeping me pretty busy lately. I am, however, ready for my paid vacation next month. All of us get a week and a half off around Christmas, and it's really nice to be able to not have to go through the stress that comes with working around the holidays. It'll be a nice end to the year as well. Next week will be nice too though with only 3 days and then off, and paid, for Thanksgiving and Black Friday.

Well I'm suffering a pretty severe cold. Have been for almost a week now. It went downhill pretty fast but today I think I sense the swing around and hopefully it's moving toward the better end of things.

As Christmas fast approaches I have depleted my bank account pretty fast with the whole shopping thing, but the good news is I am almost done. I think I have one more thing to get and I will do that after I get paid sometime, so I'm excited about that. I love the holidays typically but this year I was already wrapping some of the gifts I got people and it took a lot to get me in the holiday spirit. I don't seem to be there quite yet and I'm not sure why. My sister's coming home for the first time in many years for Christmas, I should be in a good mood, right? I don't know. Some things that bother me around the holidays include the hustle and bustle at the store. I quite often walk by a couple people arguing ove the one item that is left. Is that the holiday spirit? Or you know those people practically running and pushing people out of the way or the long lines that people can't stand...then don't go to the store around the holidays! Don't act surprised that people are there. Then there's the kids. I love kids around the holidays. I think they look so cute in their little dresses with their hair done all right. But you know what I'm talking about, right? The kids with their parents in the store, saying I want that, I want this. I think every child should know the story of Christmas and know what Christmas is really about. Christmas has never been about the gifts. The gifts started when the three wisemen gave the gifts to baby Jesus after he was born. Christmas is about celebrating His life. I know it's in the back of some people's minds, but too often it's forgotten in the hustle and bustle of the store or decorating the house, or baking cookies. Take a minute out of your day and really remember. And maybe do something nice for someone this year. Give money you would have spent to a charity so kids who have nothing on Christmas can have just one gift. Make a child's face light up with one gift. Really think about how much you typically buy for family or friends. I'm guilty as well. Everyone gets many gifts from me, but I'm asking people this year to give to a charity in my name. I don't need anything, but some people do. Think about that when you start to get caught up in the hustle and bustle.

So I guess that's my message for the day. Wanted to get it out there early so when you do go out again you can think about something other then the wants. Have a wonderful week :)

Here I am

So it's been 3 weeks of me working at my new job. It's been very hectic. Both me and my boss came in at a very busy time. Our sleepover, called veni.vidi.vici, the biggest event of the year for the Girl Scouts, is tomorrow. I have to work it of course, so it's going to be a very long day tomorrow. Don't forget I get to see Carrie Underwood tomorrow night :) I'm so excited about that. I'm also excited about hanging out with my friend, who I haven't seen in a LONG time and haven't hung out with for even longer! It's going to be a fun time! I seriously can't wait!

The office is closed Monday so everyone can recoup from the sleepover, so that's a good thing. It seems to be a busy job with me writing grants, writing press releases, writing articles for our monthly newsletter and our quarterly newsletter, going to be busy busy busy, but that's ok. I'd rather be busy then not doing anything, like today. Pretty much everything is done for the sleepover so I sit here wondering what to do.

As for the radio end of things, haven't done that in awhile, and to be honest I haven't missed it. I think there comes a point in time when everyone realizes they have to move on and do something new. I did love what I did, but when it came down to it, they didn't give me what I wanted. I worked my ass off for them and never got the full-time that I needed and feel that I deserved. So they lost a good worker. I still talk to a couple people from there, and of course send out press releases, so keep in contact with the news department that way. I think I'll be happier not doing evenings very often, or not running ragged with a crazy schedule. For the first time in my life I'm basically down to one job. The occasional Saturday I'll work a radio shift but this month has been so busy I haven't been able to. Am I happier? I think so. Do I seem it?

Happier in the work end of things, yes, but in the personal side of things not so much. It's hard, and I people often as me how I do it living so far apart? My answer, I don't know. It's hard, and it doesn't get easier...just gets harder. Guess that subjects for another day.

I have to send out a media alert now, so I hope to be able to check in more often now, and I'm out at 12:30 today! That's a plus! Ok, until next time, take care.

Talking

Can't move, can't think, can't talk, can barely breathe.

It's intoxicating, the smell, the kiss, the touch.

I feel my heart beating faster and faster with each breath.

I feel it all when you're near.

When we're apart I'm lonely and feel lost.

Never knowing when I'll see you again.

I dream of the day when we get to go out again.

I dream of the next time I'll get to kiss you.

I dream of that next touch and the softness of your skin.

Until then I simply hope it'll happen.

Happy Birthday to Me!!

Celebrating my birthday on Saturday. Another year gone by...where's the time going anyway?

This is why we don't hold yard sales...

I'm exhausted and the yard sale is still a week away. That's right, we're holding a yard sale, and if you've ever held one, you know what I'm talking about. It's a hell of a lot of work. We've been going through everything we have, which is good because we've been cleaning out and able to get rid of a lot of stuff, but we have a basement full of stuff and a living room full of stuff we're selling. It's technically my sale, so I have to then price everything, which takes a lot of time. I can't wait until the weekend is over with. Yes, that's when we're holding it. Saturday and Sunday. I just hope the weather cooperates.

My mom told me if I did all the work for it I could keep the money we raise, so that's what I'm doing. It's a lot of work though so now I know why she didn't want to. lol. Of course both my parents have been going through things too, but when it comes to getting stuff together and pricing things, it's a lot of work. So I'm working on it this week, doing the last minute stuff and bringing things up from downstairs so we're ready for the weekend. Let's just hope I survive it and make it through to next week...right now I'm not so sure.

Here I am

It's been a trying couple of weeks for me. Maybe it's because of vacation and the fact that I got to spend a week with Rich, which was for the most part, great. I guess I wish it was just easier to be able to spend time with him, away from work, and be able to see him whenever I want. With him an hour or so away, I can't just hop in my car and go, especially with gas prices the way they are. It sucks. Anyway, here are just some poems, take them as they are...hope you enjoy.

Walk With Me

Walk with me, the path of life, to explore every bend of the road Enjoy with me the beauty of life, along its wonderful way

Find comfort with me, in each other's arms, when grief crosses our path Find strength with me, in each other's strength when despair lies in wait

Laugh with me, a single true laugh, to enlighten another's distress Cry with me, a single true tear, to understand true happiness

Cherish with me, the wonders of life, as they need to be preserved Rejoice with me, in the mysteries, of what is yet to be

Find peace with me, in each other's souls when the world has gone insane Find love with me, in each other's hearts until this life has been fulfilled

And if the path comes to an end I hope we can say from within We've known the beaught of true love, our love came from within <>Times in Love

There are times when words aren't enough feelings can't always be put into words; because they are inadequate and often escape us sometimes, there are only feelings.

There are times when all you need is a look; a silent, wordless connection between souls an understanding that needs no translation a natural, knowing stare that says everything.

There are times when all you need is a touch; nothing spoken - just the gesture of reaching out touching, silently transferring your energy conveying something that comes from within

There are times when all you need is acceptance to know that you are valued as you are that any changes you make only enhance you more as you discover yourself.

There are times when all you need is love no conditions or demands, only simplicity to know that for no reason at all another chooses you over all others. There are times when all you ever wanted, was to be completed by another person.

There are times when you need all of these things there are times when nothing else matters.

The Best Chance

Every building that's built Will someday come down It will age, it will buckle It will crash to the ground.

Every car that we drive Will someday just die The engine, the brakes The gas tank runs dry.

Every shirt that we purchase All the clothes that we wear They will fade and unravel They will stain, they will tear.

Every tree that's above us Never matter how tall It's time too will come And then it will fall.

Every day that we wake When the sun shines so bright We're sure we can count on The darkness of night.

Nothing lasts forever So it seems to be true But nothing's ever had a better chance Than the love I feel for you.

A Special Place

There is a special place in life, That needs my humble skill, A certain job I'm meant to do, Which no one else can fulfill.

The time will be demanding, And the pay is not too good And yet I wouldn't change it for a moment - even if I could.

There is a special place in life, A goal I must attain, A dream that I must follow, Because I won't be back again.

There is a mark that I must leave, However small it seems to be, A legacy of love for those, Who follow after me.

There is a special place in life, That only I may share, A little path that bears my name, Awaiting me somewhere.

There is a hand that I must hold, A word that I must say, A smile that I must give, For there are tears to blow away.

There is a special place in life, that I was meant to fill A sunny spot where flowers grow, upon a windy hill.

There's always a tomorrow and the best is yet to be, And somewhere in this world I know there is a place for me.

Every

Every day that I love, Every time that I breathe, I think of the love that we have shared.

Every time I see a smile, Every time I hear laughter, I think of the joy that you brought my life.

Every time I close my eyes, Every time I begin to dream, I see myself holding you near to me.

Every rose I smell, Every blooming flower I see, I see your beauty shining through your eyes.

Every glowing light, Every twinkling star, I see radiating from your heart of gold.

Everyone I see, Every voice I hear, I can only see your beauty and hear your melody.

Every boy and girl, Every husband and wife, I am reminded of you and me hand in hand.

Every love song I hear, Every romantic movie I see, I think about you and me together forever.

Every time I am alone, Every time it is quiet, I think about you, your love, and my love for you.

Every time we don't talk, Every moment we are apart, I feel my heart ache for your touch of love.

Every time I hear wedding bells, Every time I hear the death toll, I wonder if this is the beginning or end of us.

Every new day, Every coming night, I thank God for letting me know you and your love.

Every night before bed, Every time I pray, I ask for another day of loving you.

And then there was one...

So officially being home from vacation feels nice. It's always good to get away but I missed my family and of course my kitty, so it's good to be back. We got back this morning and unpacked the car and moved Rich's stuff into his car and he took off back to his place. I then managed to unpack things in a pretty timely manner and got to relax. Then went out with my mom and sis shopping and came home again. Did I mention it's good to be back?

The cottage we stayed in was nice. A little small but perfect for 3 people really. We had a very nice week weather wise. Wednesday and Friday were rainy and dreary, but other then that, perfect weather. I managed to get a sunburn the first official day we were there....bad sun burn too....I'm sure it was at least second degree burns on one part. It's my shoulder and chest that got it the worst. It was very painful to take a shower, go out in the sun or sleep for the first few days. It's still very red and started to peel a few days ago so now I'm taking care of it. Needless to say the rest of the week I put sunblock on, but was still in pain. We had fun though. Went into Old Forge shopping and into Eagle Bay and Inlet, they have some great shops up there. I highly recommend it. The lake, Fourth Lake, was also gorgeous. We watched the sunset one night and saw lots of ducks, baby ones too, on our section of the beach.

So one last day left of our vacation and I'm going to watch the Boilermaker tomorrow. Have to be up at 6 a.m. Then I'll come home and nap a bit before we go to a graduation party and a concert tomorrow night. It's a packed day but I'm looking forward to working again. I'm happy to be doing nights because that means on-air work for IBX. I'm really excited about doing that!

Ok, we're going to watch a movie, so that's the low down on the vaca! More to come!

T-minus 12 days

That's it...12 days to go. Can't wait, I need time away...Hmm...that's it for today's post...

T-minus 13 days

So the countdown has begun. Maybe it'll make it go by faster or maybe it'll make it drag out, but I need this vacation and I can't wait.

So I saw Get Smart today...awesome movie! Steve Carrell and Anne Hathaway are perfect together. It is so funny and very well done. Highly recommended to go see! What else did the day consist of? Not much...did my exercising this morning, did some fun shopping and did some planting outside. Good day overall. I'm trying to keep busy to keep my mind off the fact that I don't get to see Rich. In a perfect world I'd get to see him everyday, but it's not a perfect world and this time around it's 2 weeks...even when we're together it's only for a few hours, and it's at work a lot or we're trying to find something fun and inexpensive to do with his daughter. Nothing is inexpensive anymore, so it's hard. We make it work because, for one, I can't imagine life without him, but the vacation is going to be nice. We can actually spend time together and do some fun stuff. Even though I'm sure we'll be very busy, the fact is, we'll all be together...so I'm hoping it'll help keep me going because it's getting hard.

Anyway, I'm going to try to update daily to count down until my fun-filled vacation :)

The past month...

So a lot has happened over the past month, none of which I checked in on. The last post I told you about a job that I was hoping to get. Well, I did get it, but not the way I had expected. About 3 weeks ago I was laid off from the paper due to "econoic difficulties" or some bullshit like that. I know it was because I had mentioned looking at this other job. I thought I was doing the right thing and they were my friends who wanted the best for me. Boy was I wrong, they didn't care. They threw me out on the road. As I felt like my world was crumbling that day, everyone around me said they knew I would land on my feet. That same day I went into the station to have them kinda offer me the job I was after. Me and the other girl got it, which means we're considered part time. Normally I wouldn't mind this, but I do, because that means no benefits. I'm working about 39.5 hours a week...I need to squeeze a half hour somewhere and then maybe they'll give it to me. They said it's possible and they are working on it, so we'll see what happens with that. The bottom line, it was definitely the world's shortest unemployment.

So I've been working at WIBX for 2 and a half weeks or so and I absolutely love it. I do wish I was on the air, but I am so happy to be working there. Totally different then how the paper was the past few months. I get along with all my co-workers and am busy and almost always doing something. It really feels great. Lite hasn't suffered either, I keep doing the voicetracking, and it's been amazing on gas. I went 2 weeks without gasing up, it felt wonderful! Although all good things must come to an end if they can't get me insurance. I told them I want to stay around but I need insurance. This was their way of screwing both me and the other girl, who was also looking for insurance, over, by hiring us both part-time instead of full. They could benefit from a news department with more full-time people, we are covering a lot more then the station used to. But you know money is always the issue, and anything to keep us from getting extra.

I'm am really looking forward to vacation which is officially 2 weeks away. I can't wait to get away for a week and spend it with Rich. I do think we have some things we need to talk about, because I have some worries about things, so maybe this will give us a chance to do that.

For the past week I have been excercising, making me feel a lot better. I'm happy to be getting back downstairs to do that. I hope to continue it and I'm looking to lose some weight and get in better shape. So wish me luck with that :)

I think the final important note is that Carrie Underwood is coming to the area in October! I got my tickets today! I'm so excited. The third year in a row I get to see her, so I'm happy about that. I haven't been a fan of anyone as much since NSync...lol.

So yeah, been a busy month here, hopefully I didn't lose anything out and hopefully I'll check in again soon and let you know what's going on. Take care and peace out until next time.

What do I do?

I'm torn. I've wanted a new job for quite some time and now that I'm on the brink of getting that I don't know what to do. Things changed at the paper after the editor left. I really like the new editor and her and I get along really good. Gas prices are beginning to kill me though. Almost $4 a gallon and I'm struggling to make it work.

As the position is officially open at WIBX I tell myself I should go for it. Maybe I've just gotten too comfortable at the paper. Starting something new always makes me very nervous and that's probably part of the problem. I shouldn't be nervous, I have worked with these people for the past 5 years, and known some of them longer then that. They are great people and radio is my passion...right? I'd get to do the news on the air and do the reporting end of things. I'll also get to keep doing my voicetracking for Lite as I was told that could be added into my salary, which by the way is way more then I'm making now, and I wouldn't have the added expense of gas weekly. I'm sure I'd be able to make it a couple weeks on a tank of gas. So you can say the pros definitely outway the cons...so why am I so undecided?

I kinda think I'm afraid to give radio the full-time chance and I'm afraid of leaving newspapers. People always say doing something new is difficult, so what I need to do is be able to take a leap of faith and jump into it knowing that I am doing this to advance my career.

At the same time I can't stop thinking about Rich. This gig at IBX is a night gig where I'd be working at like 2 and until I get done with my meetings...I would also have to have time to voicetrack for Lite somewhere in there. So what does this all mean? Not talking to him most days and not seeing him as much as I am now...I've always said a guy would never be factored into a decision that would advance my career...but that was before I fell head over heels in love with him. I admit seeing him once a week is better then none, and I'm accepting that...it's just hard. I would also have most weekends off. I would be working like once every third Saturday or something and it would be really early in the morning.

See how confused I am? I just need to believe that this is where I'm supposed to be going with my career. I have another meeting with them to discuss pay and hours and the job on Thursday so I guess we'll go from there. I also talked to my editor at work. She of course said she didn't want to lose me, but she also wished me luck at getting the job and said it would be hard to replace me. She knows radio is what I ultimately really want to do.

So yes I'm torn and if you have any suggestions I would love to hear them. As of now I'm trying to keep focus on the present and see what happens on Thursday. I'll definitely be back to keep you posted. So stay tuned...

Another weekend comes to a close...

So I'm just sitting here now, waiting for Rich to get back online. Sometimes I feel pathetic. We spent the weekend together and now that he's gone, I kinda feel like I don't know who I am or what to do. I feel like I'm half of myself I guess, if that makes any sense. I live my weeks waiting for the weekend and the time I get to spend with him and then when he leaves I don't know what to do with myself.

Well it's one of those days I guess and I don't have much else to say at all...so off I go to try to kill some time...

Yes I'm here

It's been a long time since I've checked in here. I've been busy working, working and working. I just wanted to send a quick note to let everyone know I'm still here and alive. I don't really have much else to say. Hopefully I have time to fully check in sometime soon.

Why's it have to be so complicated?

So my life has been full of working, working and well...working. Ever since these hours were changed for me at work I get no time to do anything for myself...I guess that's OK in some sense because it doesn't give me much time to think about how much time I DON'T get to see Rich. It just keeps getting harder and harder and I try so much to either see him or understand why I can't, but it's hard. I can't help it. Yes, I get upset, but then I try to see him for a weekend and it's OK again, but then it goes back to the way it was before. I spend more time being upset then I do being happy lately.

Ok on to a much lighter story...sprained my ankle pretty bad yesterday, I am such a klutz, but makes it very hard to walk today, have it wrapped and such...work will be interesting today I'm sure since work involves doing some walking.

Well I guess I don't have much else to say right now, nothing else has really happened lately...have I mentioned all I do is work?

What a change a month can have...

So I know I haven't posted in a month, I guess I should've with everything I've had to deal with lately. It's seriously been a worldwind of crap in my life lately.

To start it off 3 weeks ago we had to put our dog to sleep. You never really know how much a part of the family they become. She was 14 years old and her liver was starting to fail. The vet said with meds we could keep her alive for another 6 months to a year, but why would we put her through all that pain? She went downhill fast and no one was expecting it. It's weird to come into the house without her here. The cats been taking it hard too. Walking around crying and being really clingy lately. I can talk about her now without really crying so we're all doing our best to move on, although it's hard sometimes to look at pictures of her when she was young. She was a really good dog.

Next is the freaking changes at work. They switched our hours at work so every other week the reporters have to work 2-11 p.m. Man does that suck. It screwed up my entire schedule at my other job, which no one seems to care about. So I'm sick of the shit and am in the midst of looking for another job. I've interviewed at one that I inerviewed at before, but for some reason it just seems like he's totally not interested. Never returns my calls or e-mails, I don't know...just a sense that he doesn't want me there, that's fine...I'll move on and keep looking. I'll get a desk job if I have to. I'd make more money at that job at least. We were never consulted about the changes at work. Just told to be there at a certain time as our hours are changing...gee thanks, really appreciate the 3 day headsup...it's insane if you ask me. So that's where works at lately.

My boss at the station has been really good at dealing with these new hours. He says the voicetracking position is mine until I don't want it anymore. It just makes for really long days to go to the station from noon to 1:15 or so and then to work from 2-11. But I'm making it work for the time being.

That's pretty much it for the crappy changes that have been happening. Good things are on the horizon too. Planning a mini-vacation with Rich to go see my sister in Boston for a weekend. Also seeing what we can do about an Orlando and Disney World vacation in July. Also, who's idea was it to put Valentine's Day on a Thursday? Come on..lol. Well at least I don't work a 2-11 that day, I have an 8-5, so that's a little better. Not that there are any plans, but still...better then working at night.

Well that's pretty much what's new and not-so-exciting for me. My coffee is done so going to go get that and some breakfast and I have a yucky doctors appointment in a little bit too...fun times.

My Personality

It's something not many people understand. I've always been a quiet person, it's just me. I blame it on being a middle child where really no one listened to me as much as my sisters. But, I was quite content being a quiet person. I was happy. I absorbed myself into the elementary, junior high and high school band. I didn't have a lot of friends but I had really good friends.

In high school I also absorbed myself in a local radio station, which ultimately led me to the track I am on today. I always loved to write which led me to the journalism end of it.

I often think back to the teachers I had or the people in school who thought I was weird because I never talked...do they hear me now or read my articles? What would they say if they knew where my life was now?

My personality, however, can work against me more then for me. I never (or hardly ever) talked about my feelings. I held everything in and cried in my room. So when people ask me to talk about what I'm feeling I guess in some sense I get scared. I'm not used to that. As much as I want to, it's very awkward for me to. I've started to talk about my feelings more then I used to. But it really scares me. I guess I've always tried to make people think they're right and to please people at all times and the fact is it scares me to think people might be mad at me over something. I don't know.

I always wondered how I ended up with this personality, but the truth is I don't think I would be where I am today without this peronality.

I love being a journalist and writing for a living, I do miss writing for fun, I don't do that very much anymore since I'm writing everyday. I also love being on the radio, the rush I get every time I turn on that mic, it shows me that I was meant to do it. And to receive e-mails and feedback from listeners, it makes it all worth it.

Although I work a lot, I do it mainly to keep my mind off of other things. I may complain about it, but if I wasn't working I would go insane. Lately my mood has been pretty good after working. I get into a groove and I get ok.

Anyway, it's just some things that have been on my mind lately. Kind of weird to have my personality on my mind, but it has been lately. So yeah, just some thoughts to ponder for the day...

Why?

Why is it so hard for me to be completely happy? For moments in time I can feel what it can be to not have a care in the world. And before I know it it's taken away by the end of a day.

Why can't it get easier as time goes by? I find myself falling harder with each passing day. No matter how hard I try to forget about him for a moment at a time, I find myself falling further under his trance.

Why can't I understand what's going through my head? I get asked questions I don't know the answers to. I know what I want but have no idea how to go about getting it.

Why can't everything just be perfect? For once I would just like to get everything I want at the time I want. What I want is always an arms length out of reach.

Why does this act continue and how long will it go on? Pretending I'm as happy as people think. Pretending I'm ok when I'm not. And most of all putting on this act for everyone so no one truly sees what's inside.

Why can't I just live my life with who I want without all the hurdles and obstacles in front of me? Is it God's way of testing me? Am I able to handle everything thrown at me and not screw anything up?

My life really is at one of the best places it has been, if only every area of my life could possibly be perfect. Maybe at some point it will be...until then I have to make sure I don't screw things up.

Lost

Have you heard the new song by Faith Hill? It's not totally new new, but it's her newest. It's called "Lost." We've been playing it at Lite for quite some time, but just recently I really started to listen to the words of the song. It is very nice and fits right into how I've been feeling lately. The lyrics are below and if you haven't listend to the actual song yet, I suggest you do and let me know what you think.

Is it obvious to you, When you walk into a room, Your face is all I see, And my heart races so fast, I never knew a rush to feel like that, Every time you're touching me.

I never did believe in anything, I couldn't hold between my fingers, But the way you make me feel, It's just so real the way it lingers.

I get lost inside your stare, Lost when you're not there, When everything I have doesn't mean a thing, If it's without you, If it's a dream, don't wake me up, I'll scream if this isn't love, If bein' lost means never knowin', How it feels without you, I wanna stay lost (forever), (I wanna stay lost forever with you).

No, this feeling doesn't end, It's with me everywhere I am, Hope it never goes away, It's like defying gravity, Losin' all control and bein' free, And I always wanna stay.

I never thought that I'd let go, Long enough to fall for someone deeply, Who had the power to erase my fears, And find me so completely.

I get lost inside your stare, Lost when you're not there, When everything I have doesn't mean a thing, If it's without you, If it's a dream, don't wake me up, I'll scream if this isn't love, If bein' lost means never knowin', How it feels without you, I wanna stay lost (forever), (I wanna stay lost forever with you).

Don't tell me where we're goin', I don't wanna know, I like the mystery (I like the mystery), I can't believe we've come this far, So far away from where we started off, You found me when I wasn't lookin', You found me.

And now I'm lost inside your stare, Lost when you're not there, And everything I have doesn't mean a thing, If it's without you, Without you, If it's a dream, Don't wake me up, I'll scream if this isn't love, If bein' lost means never knowin', How it feels without you, Yeah, if bein' lost means never knowin', How it feels without you, Oh, if bein' lost means that I'm never, Gonna be without you, I wanna stay lost forever, I wanna stay lost forever with you.

Middle Child Syndrome?

You know you'd think at the age of 23 this shit would have been long gone.

You've probably heard all about middle child syndrome, even if you're not a middle child. The older kid gets to do anything they want, the younger is the baby and can do no wrong...where's that leave the ones in the middle? It leaves them there to do everything else that the other two aren't doing. Sometimes you have a middle child sibling as well, so it's not as bad because there's the two of you who can stick together, but when you're like myself, you have three girls, and I'm stuck in the middle.

I suffered from it pretty bad when I was little. But now my older sister is out of the house you think I would be the oldest and ready to do anything I want. I guess it's the price I pay for living at home still. I wish I could make enough to move out, I would in a heartbeat. I get home from a long day at work and all I want to do is sit for a little bit and drink a cup of coffee, maybe talk to a few people online, but my mom gets after me to do the dishes, do laundry, make coffee, do this, do that. Mind you my little sister (who is almost 21, so she is capable too) is out of college until the end of this month and sits on her lazy ass all day doing absolutely nothing but watching television. She doesn't get yelled at to do anything. I say why can't she do it, and my mom yells at me and says "because I told you to." What the hell is that? Usually the excuse is that my little sister has to clean her room (mind you her room is disgusting at all times!) So, this is the price I pay for deciding to keep my room clean? Maybe I should test that theory and trash my room and see what happens...but I'm not 2 and I do way more then my share of house work, as well as work 2 jobs, I'm home for 2, maybe 3, hours a day, not including the time I'm asleep.

Tell me if you're old like me and still suffer from middle child syndrome? I don't think it is that anymore, I just think it's because I've proven I'm capable of doing such things

So, anyone looking for roommates? I'd love to get out of here. lol.

It's the new year...does it really matter?

First and foremost, Happy New Year! Hope everyone has a wonderful 2008 and hope you had a happy and safe celebration to ring in the new year.

Me...well I was in tears shortly before midnight and shortly after midnight...a freaking wonderful way to ring in the new year. I should be used to disappointments. Lately that seems to come more often then not. In my relationship, I understand it comes as a package deal. I've been ok with that, but now that we're heading into our second anniversary it's beginning to take a toll. I never get to see him, except on Saturdays for a short time, and in between if I get to, he has to bring his daughter along. I love her, I really do, but in some cases you need some "adult" time as well. I'm so not ready to be thrown into the full-time role that he seems to be trying to get out of me. He says he loves spending time with "both of his girls," but I just don't know. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm getting in over my head, especially since he seems to have me in tears more times then not lately.

We were supposed to spend New Years together, with my family...but I get a phone call at 8:30 or so and he says he has no one to watch his daughter. That's what he gets for not planning something out. So yeah...I'm disappointed and upset and feel like I have no right to be. He says him and his daughter are coming out today (new years day) to spend the day with me. Mind you I'm sick with a cold and really not feeling good, and really have no patience for a 5-year-old right now. Again, I feel bad for this. So I do some thinking and despite how much I desperately wanted and needed to see him, I send him an e-mail at 1 a.m. and tell him not to come out. I need to rest to get over this cold and my mom, who has been sick lately too, doesn't want his daughter running around the house, I can't blame her. So now I'm sure I've upset him and again feel bad, although I think I'm in the right here.

I guess I was hoping he would get a message out of this. So now I don't get to see him until Saturday, and that's only if he decides to come up early to see me. I just don't know if all this pain and me being upset is worth it.

I guess only time will tell just where we're headed...