Huh?

Yeah...the title pretty much says it all. Just been one of those weeks I think. You know, sometimes you just have one of those weeks where you do everything you can and want but it still doesn't feel like you've done it all. I don't know if I make any sense right now, but it's almost 11 at night so I have an excuse. Anyway, I have 5 classes tomorrow starting at 9:30, and I still don't feel like I'm ready for them. I probably forgot to do something, it wouldn't surprise me at all. On to the internship side of things...had some good feedback this past week from Jeff and Dave (my co-workers). They really like my writing. I never think my writing is good enough, so I guess it's good to hear positive feedfback like that. Jeff even asked me today if there was ever a time I would be able to work a full day if he wanted a day off. You know, I'm really starting to enjoy it!! I like that it's something different everyday. I might stay in news after all...but I honestly don't know what I'll do if I have to choose between the two. It's something to think about long and hard...what do I really want to do with my life? It's a question that has been torturing me for the past few months. My sister's having some hard times in her senior year of high school this year, and I think back to high school myself. I hated it...I didn't know how my older sister could be 4th in her graduating class. I hated schoolwork and everything associated with it. Then I entered H-Triple-C and I think it was the best decision of my life. A community college that offered the amazing Radio/TV program (Jeff went there too...same graduating class). I loved the radio/TV club and going to NYC to go to all these television shows, I really was living out a dream up there. Came to Utica College and left some truly amazing people at Herkimer. Hardest thing I ever had to do. I made some more amazing friends, and last semester made Dean's List (first time since my first semester at HCCC)...I was so excited. I'm at a 2.6 right now...hoping to raise it to a 3.0 by semester end. But I've looked back at high school and how relieved I was to just be graduating with my class, now 4 years later, I'm amazed that I actually made it. There have been so many sacrifices though. I haven't been the kind of person to open up to anyone. Very few people have actually been able to see inside of me. Trust me, I'm an emotional person, but one something hurts me deep down, not many people get to see that part. It's been probably about 10 years since my grandma passed away. I locked myself in my room for hours at a time and cried. I cried at the funeral, but that's the only time I let people see me cry. Granted I was 11 or 12 at that time, but I hurt so bad. I didn't know anything could make me feel such pain. Then there was the time I had an extremely awful co-worker. I couldn't stand her, no one really could. She drove me nuts, but I wasn't the type to say anything to anyone, until it literally made me sick. I would come home from work and cry for hours. Then that led into panic attacks and I knew I had to say something. She eventually left, but it was a hard time for me. Bottom line, not too many people get to look inside and see the real me. That's a con for me. I could put on a front and someone wouldn't know, but look me in the eyes and you'll find your answer. This all comes out of me really wanting to have some kind of social life. Since I've started college it has been craziness in my life and I haven't had time for anything or anyone. Don't get me wrong, I love my jobs and I love school in some sense, it's just my life feels so one sided at times. I have this great future and career ahead of me...but what then? I always said I wouldn't settle down until I got to where I wanted to be in my career. I didn't want love to get in the way of that. I still don't. I still want to make it somewhere someday, but I'm beginning to think that I need to see what else is out there. At least do something fun once in awhile. Everyone always says "it'll be different after May." I know their right, but who knows where I'm going or what I'm doing. Kind of a hard thing to think about. Try it sometime. What would your life be if you weren't where you were today or doing what you are doing today? I've decided pretty much today to focus on the present for the moment. I'll just go wherever God wants me to go. My life has alwyas been in his hands, I think it's time I realize that. If I don't get a job somewhere, then it must have been in his plan. If I don't have much of a social life, then maybe he's telling me to just focus on what I'm doing now. Making it through and graduating, then meeting a great guy or going somewhere in my career. I guess we'll just see...