Hoping for a change of heart...

It's a Monday. That should be enough said...Monday's are typically not good days. Yet, usually I can get motivated enough on a Monday to accomplish something. Anything would do. Granted I did accomplish a couple press releases and getting ready for my meeting tomorrow...but I'm just down in the dumps.

Now it could be the fact that I had to come back after a 3-day weekend...noone likes that. It could be the fact that I desperately need a vacation and it's still a month and a half away. But it's none of that...I know exactly what it is. It's the fact that after a long weekend with him I'm back home...alone...and miserable. Lately it seems that sometimes it hurts more to be with him and then have to leave then it does to just talk online. That I can deal with...it's the leaving part that is becoming almost too hard to handle. At least for the summer I know the next time I'll get to spend time with him...but then what? We're both too busy and wrapped up in whatever to make it happen as often as it should...often going months on end without spending any quality time together.

Why do they say absence makes the heart grow fonder? It sucks...bottom line. Maybe because it's been 3 and a half years, but it sucks. In hindsight I wonder if I knew how hard it would be if things would have been different for me. I just wonder why...

I'm an independent woman for crying out loud...I don't need a guy to make me happy, right? Well apparently that's BS also. I look back at high school and college when all my friends had guys and I was quite content being on my own. I didn't need anyone. I was focused on my schooling and my career. Building myself up in my career has always been my number one priority.

Then he came along. Swept me off my feet (not literally...although that would have been interesting). It wasn't bad at first because we did get to see each other more because he was working more up here so I knew I would see him and we went out occassionally. Plus I was still building myself up in my career, and it still came first. Until recently it never really bothered me that we didn't see each other that much. Maybe now because I'm settled in my career, and quite HAPPY about where I am for the first time in a long time. I guess now I want the relationship to progress like my career did but now we seem to be stuck in the same place we have been for over a year. I guess with neither of us willing to relocate now things are going to remain this way for awhile.

I'm just not sure how much more my heart can take. It feels like it's in pieces...