My Personality

It's something not many people understand. I've always been a quiet person, it's just me. I blame it on being a middle child where really no one listened to me as much as my sisters. But, I was quite content being a quiet person. I was happy. I absorbed myself into the elementary, junior high and high school band. I didn't have a lot of friends but I had really good friends.

In high school I also absorbed myself in a local radio station, which ultimately led me to the track I am on today. I always loved to write which led me to the journalism end of it.

I often think back to the teachers I had or the people in school who thought I was weird because I never talked...do they hear me now or read my articles? What would they say if they knew where my life was now?

My personality, however, can work against me more then for me. I never (or hardly ever) talked about my feelings. I held everything in and cried in my room. So when people ask me to talk about what I'm feeling I guess in some sense I get scared. I'm not used to that. As much as I want to, it's very awkward for me to. I've started to talk about my feelings more then I used to. But it really scares me. I guess I've always tried to make people think they're right and to please people at all times and the fact is it scares me to think people might be mad at me over something. I don't know.

I always wondered how I ended up with this personality, but the truth is I don't think I would be where I am today without this peronality.

I love being a journalist and writing for a living, I do miss writing for fun, I don't do that very much anymore since I'm writing everyday. I also love being on the radio, the rush I get every time I turn on that mic, it shows me that I was meant to do it. And to receive e-mails and feedback from listeners, it makes it all worth it.

Although I work a lot, I do it mainly to keep my mind off of other things. I may complain about it, but if I wasn't working I would go insane. Lately my mood has been pretty good after working. I get into a groove and I get ok.

Anyway, it's just some things that have been on my mind lately. Kind of weird to have my personality on my mind, but it has been lately. So yeah, just some thoughts to ponder for the day...

Why?

Why is it so hard for me to be completely happy? For moments in time I can feel what it can be to not have a care in the world. And before I know it it's taken away by the end of a day.

Why can't it get easier as time goes by? I find myself falling harder with each passing day. No matter how hard I try to forget about him for a moment at a time, I find myself falling further under his trance.

Why can't I understand what's going through my head? I get asked questions I don't know the answers to. I know what I want but have no idea how to go about getting it.

Why can't everything just be perfect? For once I would just like to get everything I want at the time I want. What I want is always an arms length out of reach.

Why does this act continue and how long will it go on? Pretending I'm as happy as people think. Pretending I'm ok when I'm not. And most of all putting on this act for everyone so no one truly sees what's inside.

Why can't I just live my life with who I want without all the hurdles and obstacles in front of me? Is it God's way of testing me? Am I able to handle everything thrown at me and not screw anything up?

My life really is at one of the best places it has been, if only every area of my life could possibly be perfect. Maybe at some point it will be...until then I have to make sure I don't screw things up.

Lost

Have you heard the new song by Faith Hill? It's not totally new new, but it's her newest. It's called "Lost." We've been playing it at Lite for quite some time, but just recently I really started to listen to the words of the song. It is very nice and fits right into how I've been feeling lately. The lyrics are below and if you haven't listend to the actual song yet, I suggest you do and let me know what you think.

Is it obvious to you, When you walk into a room, Your face is all I see, And my heart races so fast, I never knew a rush to feel like that, Every time you're touching me.

I never did believe in anything, I couldn't hold between my fingers, But the way you make me feel, It's just so real the way it lingers.

I get lost inside your stare, Lost when you're not there, When everything I have doesn't mean a thing, If it's without you, If it's a dream, don't wake me up, I'll scream if this isn't love, If bein' lost means never knowin', How it feels without you, I wanna stay lost (forever), (I wanna stay lost forever with you).

No, this feeling doesn't end, It's with me everywhere I am, Hope it never goes away, It's like defying gravity, Losin' all control and bein' free, And I always wanna stay.

I never thought that I'd let go, Long enough to fall for someone deeply, Who had the power to erase my fears, And find me so completely.

I get lost inside your stare, Lost when you're not there, When everything I have doesn't mean a thing, If it's without you, If it's a dream, don't wake me up, I'll scream if this isn't love, If bein' lost means never knowin', How it feels without you, I wanna stay lost (forever), (I wanna stay lost forever with you).

Don't tell me where we're goin', I don't wanna know, I like the mystery (I like the mystery), I can't believe we've come this far, So far away from where we started off, You found me when I wasn't lookin', You found me.

And now I'm lost inside your stare, Lost when you're not there, And everything I have doesn't mean a thing, If it's without you, Without you, If it's a dream, Don't wake me up, I'll scream if this isn't love, If bein' lost means never knowin', How it feels without you, Yeah, if bein' lost means never knowin', How it feels without you, Oh, if bein' lost means that I'm never, Gonna be without you, I wanna stay lost forever, I wanna stay lost forever with you.

Middle Child Syndrome?

You know you'd think at the age of 23 this shit would have been long gone.

You've probably heard all about middle child syndrome, even if you're not a middle child. The older kid gets to do anything they want, the younger is the baby and can do no wrong...where's that leave the ones in the middle? It leaves them there to do everything else that the other two aren't doing. Sometimes you have a middle child sibling as well, so it's not as bad because there's the two of you who can stick together, but when you're like myself, you have three girls, and I'm stuck in the middle.

I suffered from it pretty bad when I was little. But now my older sister is out of the house you think I would be the oldest and ready to do anything I want. I guess it's the price I pay for living at home still. I wish I could make enough to move out, I would in a heartbeat. I get home from a long day at work and all I want to do is sit for a little bit and drink a cup of coffee, maybe talk to a few people online, but my mom gets after me to do the dishes, do laundry, make coffee, do this, do that. Mind you my little sister (who is almost 21, so she is capable too) is out of college until the end of this month and sits on her lazy ass all day doing absolutely nothing but watching television. She doesn't get yelled at to do anything. I say why can't she do it, and my mom yells at me and says "because I told you to." What the hell is that? Usually the excuse is that my little sister has to clean her room (mind you her room is disgusting at all times!) So, this is the price I pay for deciding to keep my room clean? Maybe I should test that theory and trash my room and see what happens...but I'm not 2 and I do way more then my share of house work, as well as work 2 jobs, I'm home for 2, maybe 3, hours a day, not including the time I'm asleep.

Tell me if you're old like me and still suffer from middle child syndrome? I don't think it is that anymore, I just think it's because I've proven I'm capable of doing such things

So, anyone looking for roommates? I'd love to get out of here. lol.

It's the new year...does it really matter?

First and foremost, Happy New Year! Hope everyone has a wonderful 2008 and hope you had a happy and safe celebration to ring in the new year.

Me...well I was in tears shortly before midnight and shortly after midnight...a freaking wonderful way to ring in the new year. I should be used to disappointments. Lately that seems to come more often then not. In my relationship, I understand it comes as a package deal. I've been ok with that, but now that we're heading into our second anniversary it's beginning to take a toll. I never get to see him, except on Saturdays for a short time, and in between if I get to, he has to bring his daughter along. I love her, I really do, but in some cases you need some "adult" time as well. I'm so not ready to be thrown into the full-time role that he seems to be trying to get out of me. He says he loves spending time with "both of his girls," but I just don't know. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm getting in over my head, especially since he seems to have me in tears more times then not lately.

We were supposed to spend New Years together, with my family...but I get a phone call at 8:30 or so and he says he has no one to watch his daughter. That's what he gets for not planning something out. So yeah...I'm disappointed and upset and feel like I have no right to be. He says him and his daughter are coming out today (new years day) to spend the day with me. Mind you I'm sick with a cold and really not feeling good, and really have no patience for a 5-year-old right now. Again, I feel bad for this. So I do some thinking and despite how much I desperately wanted and needed to see him, I send him an e-mail at 1 a.m. and tell him not to come out. I need to rest to get over this cold and my mom, who has been sick lately too, doesn't want his daughter running around the house, I can't blame her. So now I'm sure I've upset him and again feel bad, although I think I'm in the right here.

I guess I was hoping he would get a message out of this. So now I don't get to see him until Saturday, and that's only if he decides to come up early to see me. I just don't know if all this pain and me being upset is worth it.

I guess only time will tell just where we're headed...