tired

The last thing I think of when I go to bed at night is what the next day holds. Good, bad, and otherwise. Usually I know it's going to be full of stress and longing to be somewhere else. This past week I have gotten into doing the editing side of things and have really started to like it. I miss the writing and covering things, so I'm glad to do that again. But a week of doing it isn't all that bad. However, sometimes I just wish things could be different. I could have enough time for me and the ones I love. I'm beginning to ask myself the question 'Why am I doing this to myself?' The answer to that is far from easy. I just want to feel needed and loved sometimes. I know there are people that care about me and want me to succeed, however I still have the feeling of longing and depression waiting for something, anything to help me feel a little bit better about myself. I love being able to laugh and smile and be happy. It doesn't happy often during the week. Maybe it's from the stress of each workday, maybe it's from people not caring enough about me, I don't know. I still feel the heat and the intensity of each passing day. I smile as the sun beats down on my face, I look up at the sky when the sun is covered by clouds and the rain starts to come down, I watch the flowers bloom under the spring weather. I take in everything and enjoy every second of it. You never know when it could be cut short. I'm a person who needs the physical, emotional and mental closeness of people to be able to make it through each day. Typically I go day to day doing just the motions. Just once I would like to have a week where I didn't have only 2 hours to spend at home, besides sleeping time. I'd like to feel like I'm worth something to someone. I'd like to not have so many things crammed into one week and lastly I'd like to figure out if what I'm doing right now is right for me. Not when it comes to work, but on a more personal level. Should I be dealing with all this stress that comes along with what I really want? Why is it so hard to just be happy? I'm just so tired of the games and the stress that comes along with every time I have to say good-bye. Tired of every time I don't get to do something I want and every time I get mad because I can't be where I want to be. Tired of the hours spent longing and crying. Tired of trying to fake myself into thinking I'm happy but then turning around and figuring out just how miserable I really am. Is there really happiness associated with anything? I'm beginning to wonder if true happiness really exists. I don't know if I'll ever actually really find out...