Some Hearts

*sigh* well it's kind of been one of those weeks. You know what kind of week I mean? The week that seems to drag on forever, but they're still aren't enough hours in the day to do what you have to do. With graduation just around the corner I really just need a break. So do I ever get that break? Surprisingly I do. Different from other semester's I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think knowing that I don't have to go back in the fall is a huge weight off of my shoulders. It's just not a summer anymore though, it's going to be a job search time. Also different from other semester's is that my boyfriend is able to relax me. Just being able to be with him relaxes me. There's just something about him that I'm able to forget about everything else. Ok, those of you that know me, know I am a huge fan of the last American Idol, Carrie Underwood. She's coming locally to our New York State Fair in August...tickets go on sale this coming Saturday, so I thought what would be better then to use her latest single, "Some Hearts," to describe how I am feeling. I think it fits just about perfectly. I've never been the kind that you'd call lucky Always stumbling' around in circles But I must have stumbled into something Look at me Am I really alone with you I wake up feeling like my life's worth living Can't recall when I last felt that way Guess it must be all this love you're giving Never knew never knew it could be like this He talks, I can't help but smile. His scent is addicting. I can't help but to think about him everyday. Just a simple word makes me smile. The thoughts bring another smile to my face. I miss him more and more with each passing day. I'd love to see him everyday. Just to lay in his arms and fall asleep. Look into his eyes and get lost. It's been awhile since I've felt anything like this. It's strong. It's intoxicating. I can't help myself. I can't control my own feelings. I just want to kiss him and hold him and make the rest of the world disappear. The time we are together, everything seems good and right. Everything does disappear and the world is just better. Some hearts They just get all the right breaks Some hearts have the stars on their side Some hearts, They just have it so easy Some hearts just get lucky sometimes Some hearts just get lucky, lucky sometimes My heart pounds at his simple touch. It yearns to hold him all the time. I can't help it. He consumes my mind from morning to night. I sit there and smile. I can't help it. I want his hand in mine. I just want to be with him. We don't have to be doing anything and I still have a good time. My hearts been broken too many times, so it's always taken me awhile to learn to trust people. He's different. I look into his eyes and I know it's there. Now who'd have thought someone like you could love me You're the last thing my heart expected Who'd have thought I'd ever find somebody Someone who makes me feel like this I don't think my heart was completely ready for this feeling. I was concentrating on making it through to graduation, and then he was there. Not trying to impress me. What you see is what you get. I didn't feel pressured. I didn't feel uncomfortable. For the first time in a long time it felt right. The days dragged on before we would see each other again...the time we are together goes by too fast. The way he looks at me sends shivers down my spine. I've come to realize... Even hearts like mine Get lucky, lucky sometimes My hearts found what it's been longing for. For once I am completely content at where I am in life. Just the simple thought of it brings tears to my eyes and puts a lump in my throat. After what I've been through it's very hard to even think about love, especially after not even 2 months of dating. But I can't help.... Previously I posed the question is it love? No doubt about it anymore...it really is :)

So it's almost the end...

Can anyone say stress? I can't say it without having my heart beat increasing, my palms getting all sweaty and feeling like I want to pass out. I finished my 10 page paper, my 20 page paper, one of the take home tests, and all the other homework. I have a presentation tomorrow in my fieldwork class, but that should be easy. I have two take home tests I will be getting tomorrow that will be due in a week or so. Then I have another presentation next week on my 20 page paper, which is going to be kind of hard. Then I have a final, then I'm done. Who would have thought that 4 years of college would come down to this? Or better, yet who would have thought that being in school for 18 years would come down to this? I started at the age of 3 in school and now I'm 21. Yeah...that's a long time to be in school. Now facing the real world, everyone wants to know what my future plans are. I don't have a clue. It's scary thinking about going out into the world and applying for jobs. I know college graduates who come out and think they are hot shit and are going to get the best job out there. I have worked my ass off to get where I am. My resume is strong, in my opinion anyway, so I guess it's time to start the search. There are openings in the local area and I'm working on an aircheck to send out and see if that might lead to anything. I don't know...but I have to step up to the plate. It's time. Moving on to WIBX. It's been a very busy and exhausting week there. Sunday afternoon I covered a local event. Got some sound bytes went back wrote the story. Last night I covered a pretty big county legislative meeting, went back and did the same thing. Didn't get home until a little after 10, and I was very tired. Tonight I'm covering two events, one somewhere where I don't know how the hell to get there. Then I have to go back and write and edit those. It's going to be another long night. Followed my another long day tomorrow. Long but satisfying...won't go into details on that :) Then a weekend full of working again...did I mention stress? So on the Lite end of things...things are going well. We're in the middle of our Prada Purse Giveaway. We're giving away 5 original prada purses stuffed with great prizes and cash. It's exciting, I just wish more people would call in on the weekends when they hear their names, it's not exciting when you don't get to tease them a little...lol. So some of you might wonder if I'm over the whole 'Bad Day' thing from a few posts earlier. Oh yeah...it's cool. I still have my 'regulars' calling me earlier in the day and I still sneak some songs on for them once in awhile (shh...don't tell anyone ;)) As long as I'm able to be on the radio...I don't care what time it is. That's the bottom line. I plan on sticking on Lite for the time being after I graduate. I can't imagine leaving just yet. I think once the 'perfect' job comes along somewhere else, then I'll have to consider it. So it's almost the end isn't it? Geez...where has the time gone?

What's the world come to?

Okay, amongst all of my school work is my internship at WIBX. I hear a lot of news, unfortunately, yesterday was a day I didn't hear about it in the newsroom. Most of it was on the 11 o'clock news. So for those of you that didn't know, yesterday was the 7 year anniversary of the Columbine High School shooting in Littleton, Colorado. That was a day I think that shocked the entire United States to the core. It was actually a spure of school shootings around that time, but Columbine being the worst by far. I think people finally realized that schools aren't safe. Many then went to searchs and metal detectors and police officers. Things that parents thought would never be in schools. A fear swept among parents thinking that their child could be heading off to school for the last time. I was scared to go to school around that time. I never knew what would come everyday at school. The past few years have been really quiet as far as school shootings are concerned, until yesterday. A school in Kansas was supposed to be the next "Columbine" according to some students. A message on MySpace stated that all students at this school show wear a bullet proof vest to school on Thursday the 20th. Thankfully, the police were able to foil the plot before anything happened. Several guns were found in the kids' homes. So I pose the question that I thought of 7 years ago, what is the world coming to? There are accidents every day in this country, right? People die all the time in automobile accidents. We had an accident locally yesterday that killed 3 teenagers that were seniors at a local high school. 2 months to go, and they are killed in a car accident. The car hit a tree, was split into two and half of it ended up in a lake. It's just so sad to think of what the school community, family and friends are going through. I know the hype that comes behind graduation. This year it is going to be a very sad year for everyone involved. That wasn't the only accident locally yesterday. A guy on a motorcycle was hit by a truck and killed. You see these accidents every day and you just think it could never happen to you, but the truth is it can happen to anyone. It really makes you start to think about your own driving. Maybe even slow down a little and take a little longer or leave yourself a little more time. So I pose the question: What's the world coming to?

Feelings...

So there is 28 days before I am officially a college graduate. Can you believe it? I can't. I mean I have graduated from college before with an associates, but this is at a totally different level. Just as a side note, our commencement speaker for this year is Mike Farrel. He was in M*A*S*H and Providence. So that should be an interesting speaker to listen to. Anyway, back to my point. Yeah, I do have one. 28 days...I have so much shit to do. Papers and things...so I don't need any distractions right? Well if you remember in a previous post about my stress...I do need some distractions. But I keep telling myself that I really don't, I just need to make it through...that's the bottom line. Yeah...that's going to work. Never does. I do need some kind of life...but at the time of that posting I didn't expect to feel the way I do. Now it just consumes my mind most of the time, I just can't help it. There's just something so addictive I guess. Anyway, I was at the station today not doing the work I was supposed to be doing because I couldn't keep my mind off of him. So I was recording things and just having fun. Then I wrote a little poem...I'm not totally happy with it, but it expresses things so I just thought I'd post it. Let me know what you think... Feelings Feelings of excitement when you're near Feelings of sadness when you leave too soon My heart sours when I gaze into your eyes My knees tremble at your simple touch My breath becomes short at your kiss I need you near Need to feel you close I can't help but miss you Everytime you're gone You put me in a place I haven't been in awhile It's exciting It's scary But you're intoxicating The excitement builds and I can't help it I feel like I need you Feelings I never want to forget It's there I know it is I can't help the feelings They're just there

I can't help it...

I can't help it. I can't be mad. I can't be upset. I can't be sad. I just can't help it. Shit happens. Then you move on. I look into his eyes. I can't help it. I don't want to be upset. Not over something as stupid as this. I still bring it up. More as a joke. I just can't help it. He feels bad when I bring it up. But then there's always something to look forward to later. Did I mention I can't help it? His eyes hypnotize me. They draw me in futher. I hate the feeling of having to leave. It never happens fast though. There's never a "goodbye until next time." My breath becomes short. My heart beat becomes fast. His breath tickles my neck. His kisses are intoxicating. I just can't help it. His mouth on my ear almost sends me through the roof. We pull away. We have to. I know I would do something I would regret. I can't help it. I'm not ready for that step yet. I've never been ready. But thoughts neverending still circle my mind. I look into his eyes again. I just can't help it. They draw me in again. The circle starts all over again. So, is it love? I sure hope so...

Bad Day...

Cause you had a bad day You're taking one down You sing a sad song just to turn it around You say you don't know You tell me don't lie You work at a smile and you go for a ride You had a bad day The camera don't lie You're coming back down and you really don't mind You had a bad day You had a bad day This song from Daniel Powter really fits me today. It's been one of those days. I've cryed off and on all day because of a text message I received this afternoon. It was from my boyfriend. So I called him and found out that apparently I'm being taken off the All 80's Saturday Night. I know why it's happening. He needs me to work earlier in the day on Saturdays. Okay, now if I had been contacted by my boss, the program director, then I don't think I would have a huge problem with this. What bothers me is that I was blindsided by the whole thing. No one said a damn word to me...I think he should have talked to me about it first. Maybe that's just the way I would do things. I am his employee...so I guess I don't have much of a say. I feel I've come a long way since I started at Lite 2 1/2 years ago. Overnights, to days on the weekends, to fill ins to the all 80's saturday night. I love those 4 hours of requests. It's great music and you talk to amazing people. I've heard that there was talk between the full timers a couple months ago and they said that I sounded great on the 80's. I like being able to go off format a little and take requests and play music we don't normally play. You stand in the line just to hit a new low You're faking a smile with the coffee to go You tell me your life's been way off line You're falling to pieces everytime And I don't need no carryin' on So am I upset that my boyfriend is going to be the new full-time host of the 80's? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. I'm happy for him though. He deserves this...and he's been really amazing about it. He called me as soon as he found out...and anyone else wouldn't have done that. So really I am happy for him. I know he'll do a great job...I will get to see him every Saturday now, and maybe I'll stay with him during the 80's, because right now I don't care what my boss says about that part of it. I'm still bitter...can't help it yet...so I try to hide it and let a smile slide out every once in a while...don't know if it's real or fake...so have you had a bad day? Cause you had a bad day You're taking one down You sing a sad song just to turn it around You say you don't know You tell me don't lie You work at a smile and you go for a ride You had a bad day The camera don't lie You're coming back down and you really don't mind You had a bad day You had a bad day

Words...

So sometimes there are just not enough words that can be expressed on a certain subject. Let's take golf for example. How much can you really say about golf? For me it would consist of "Hey he made par," or maybe even "A hole in one...that doesn't happen often." I know even less about tennis. I wouldn't be able to hold a 3 sentence conversation about tennis. So what's this all leading up to? Well I've mentioned in previous posts that I'm not that great at expressing my feelings. I've always been the type to hide in my little shell until I feel better. The communications courses I've taken at Utica and HCCC have really helped me open up and talk to people. I'm much more open with my mom then I used to be. We discuss just about everything with each other. I think being a DJ has been a life changing thing for me. Being behind a mic is a lot different then being on a television for thousands to see. People only know me by voice most of the time. Unless I go out to a remote or anything and meet some of the listeners. I'm just a voice. I'm someone that probably works at their favorite radio station and gives them chances to be win prizes and let's them request their favorite songs. I'm just behind a mic. It's where I'm comfortable being. It wasn't always like that, but I'm glad I got to the point where I realize that this is what I love doing. So sometimes there aren't enough words to express what you're feeling. When it comes to my personal life I get that way. Don't ask me why, but I'm not all that great at expressing my feelings. I only express it to the people that I think need to know it. My family doesn't need to know, some friends don't need to know, co-workers don't need to know. I express my feelings more in actions then words, it's easier for me. That's all I'm going to say about that... So with 34 days left until I graduate, it's actually going okay. I got a 95 on the test I took last Friday. I was so excited today when I got it back. I couldn't believe it...I thought I bombed on it. Another test Wednesday afternoon...then we're heading into finals time soon. It's never ending. I just can't wait until it's all over and I don't have to take any more tests or go to any more classes. I just keep thinking it's really almost over. As far as work is concerned...I'm working another holiday which is really exciting for me!! I love filling in on holidays or whenever really. I get such a rush knowing that people are listening to me during the mid-day. So if you get it listen to Lite 98.7 on Friday from 10am-3pm. If you don't get it go online at www.lite987.com, we're streaming online and you can listen to me there!! Then I work Saturday 2pm-8pm and Sunday 3pm-7pm. A long weekend for me, but it's well worth it...I love working these long weekends. It's 15 hours this weekend alone...it's great. How many people get to say they like working like that? I love being able to say that about my job. Every day is different. You go in there not knowing if you're going to have a ton of problems during your shift or if you are going to sound amazing on that day. You don't know if you're going to have a cold and not be able to sound "normal." You don't know if you'll lose your voice and sound like complete shit on the air. I've been through all that...and I'm still here...so it's just great to know that I love my job and it's something different every day. Anyway...off to the wonderful world of homework... DJ Queen signing off... :)

RANT: Gas Prices

Okay I don't do this often. This being put many of my complaints up here for all to see. I always think that no one is going to agree with me anyway, so why bother taking the time to write it. I've read many rants on various sites though and realize that a lot of people feel the same way about issues that I do. So today I'm going off on the ever rising gas prices. So I live in a small town, right? So why the hell are our gas prices higher then say New York City and Boston? You know why? Because people will pay for it. People in our little town know no different. They don't get out of their sheltered little worlds long enough to realize that we are almost at $3.00 for a gallon of gas. $4.00 is not out of the question come this summer. I watched and listened for about 3 or so weeks as the prices would rise sometimes $0.10 a day if not more. Nothing was said about it. No news station picked up on it. It was like top secret why prices were going up. Finally today it was the top news story. Last week gas was $2.63 a gallon or so...this week it is $2.79. There is no real excuse for it, except rising oil costs. While why are oil costs going up? I could kind of understand gas prices going up after Katrina hit. But even then I think they took advantage of people who were going to buy it. We don't have a choice. That's the bottom line. People around here don't have public transit they can rely on. We have to have gas in the car or else we ain't going anywhere. Gas prices have always irritated me since I started driving, which I should mention was much lower at that point. I think now that I've started driving more I notice it. My car is excellent on gas. I usually only have to gas up once every 3 weeks. It's become more frequent with going to the station every other day and classes and other things that I have to do. I don't know...maybe it also irritates me because if they weren't high, I might see my boyfriend more often, but that's just a personal side note. But for a poor person like me, it's getting to the point where I don't know if I will be able to afford gas. So if you can't afford gas, then you can't drive to a job, so you can't make money to buy more gas. It's a vicious cycle and I honestly don't see it coming to an end anytime soon. Gas prices nowadays are complete bull shit and that's all I'm gonna say.

Stress Has Made Its Apperance

So you know I'm a senior in college, right? Do you know what that feeling is like? Maybe you haven't had that experience yet, or if you have, do you remember it? If you do...you knew it had to hit sooner or later, right? I've been very concentrated and very focused up to this point. Making Dean's List last semester really showed me that I could do it when I focused on it and put my mind to it. 3 weeks left until classes are over, then there's finals. Some people are saying great you made it...blah blah blah...yeah it's nice to hear...but that doesn't get the work done. About this time around the end of every semester I start to get really emotional and really stressed. My panic attacks always seem to kick back in, and at least once a week I have to lay on my bed and just let it all out. See I'm not a very vocal person when it comes to my feelings...never have been. It's caused problems before for a lot of different reasons. I have to work through many issues myself. Sometimes I'll talk to friends and they'll be my shoulder when I need it, but often I lay on my bed and just cry. I have to...it's the only way for me to release the stress. I get up a little while later and I'm better and I start working again. Sound weird? Yeah probably...but it's the only way I know how to make it through. So stress is starting to rear its ugly head. I'm realizing that it's almost time to graduate. Then I play the What If game. What if I don't get a job after graduating. What if I don't find a place to live. What if I'm not ready to work full-time. It's scary. Anyone that's had to go find a job knows that. I was terrified when I was 18 or 19 and walked in to audition for a part-time position on Lite. I think I'd be totally more then prepared to do it again now...but I was young and had never worked for radio before. Now I have it on my resume coming out of college and I have air check tapes. I'd be hired over another person just walking out of college and looking for their first gig...you have to start somewhere. So as the What Iff game dies down I realize that there is no way I am going to get everything done that needs to be done. Okay...I say that, but realistically it's crunch time and you might not see me as much over the next few weeks. I know when I need to buckle down and get work done. But as stress begins to creep in and make me totally emotional I know that I can't let it control me this time around. If it does then it wins and I will never get things done in time to graduate. So I will take time this time around for myself. I'll have a good time after finishing something. I'll let myself enjoy the last few weeks of college. Just be aware that there are going to be times I am going to be a flat out bitch...it's nothing personal, it's just stress...I think it makes everyone crazy!! The senior stress queen...until next time!!

Loving It...

You know...my mind tends to wander around quite a bit and it never really ends on a particular thing for very long. That's always the case when it comes to classes. Definitely not a good thing to have happen when May is just around the corner. As my mom just pointed out I have a very short time to go and I don't want to screw around at the end of the semester. I think she was refering to my boyfriend...which I'll get into later, but trust me I'm not going to screw around with it so close. I'll keep doing what I've done to make it this far. I've always been a procrastinator. It's the one thing I truly hate about myself. I wish I could get everything done the day it's assigned and be done with it. I get very proud of myself when I get homework done early. May 14th is graduation and it's coming up so fast. I started my research on my 20-page paper and I still have so much shit to get done it's not even funny. I think the only way I'm staying sane is by having a social life of some sort. Yes, I do have a boyfriend, and as I mentioned in my previous post he's amazing. I don't know what it is, but I can never get enough of talking to him or seeing him. Never a dull moment between us. There's always something to talk about, and I can't stop smiling when I'm with him or around him or talking about him. LOL--does it sound crazy? It's okay if it does, because I am happier then I've been in a really long time. I think him saying that May is just around the corner is better then my mom saying it. He can take my mind off of all my school work from time to time. I know when I have to buckle down and work, but going out will energize me and suddenly I can do more homework or something. The great thing is I don't have to do anything with him to be happy. I just like being with him...and I haven't felt that in quite awhile. I've also mentioned that he is one of my co-workers. As for the people at work that know about us...there are a few, and soon to be more I'm sure. We're not hiding anything though, so it really doesn't bother me if the whole world finds out about it...LOL. Moving on to the work side of things. The internships going pretty good. I enjoy going in there now. The interviews go pretty well and everyone raves about my writing. I don't know that it's that great, but I'm always harder on myself when it comes to my writing. The regular radio side of things is going great too. Still love doing the 80's. The music is so awesome. I'll turn the music all the way up so you can hear it throughout the entire building because no one else is in the building anyway. I covered two remotes this past Sunday within 5 hours. So it was 4 hours of remotes...that gets tiring but it makes the shift go faster, so I'm not really complaining about it. I also like doing remotes with Mark just because he's so funny. He said I sounded good on the air on Sunday, and to me that's a huge compliment coming from our morning guy. I'm also working Good Friday because all the full-timers are off. I'm pulling the mid-day, so that's exciting. I always look forward to the holidays because full-timers are off and that means more on-air time for myself. Skipping another day of classes for it, which I did in February too, but experience is experience. I don't think classes will be full on that day anyway. So I'm keeping busy with work. Just a side note to end this...wow...April's a busy month with birthdays and anniversaries and Easter is in April this year. It's up there as one of the busiest months of the year...it doesn't top September though!! My birthday rocks! I'll prove it...I know 4 people that have birthdays on the same day as me, and no their not celebrities. Plus the rest of the month is extremely busy with birthdays and anniversaries...wow...it's crazy. Anyway...until next time...signing off...

Thinking...

I know you probably all say "Uh oh..." when you read the headline that says "Thinking" It's never good when I start to think. Especially since it's 12:09 in the morning. Yeah...pulling another overnight...that's 3 weekends in a row...he really is trying to torture me!! Oh I'm only 21...I must not need any sleep right? Yeah...okay...that's why I drink a pot of coffee while I'm here and my Vault drink is going to be a lifesaver this time around. So I got in the studio early tonight because I had to voicetrack for Sunday morning. It's a confusing weekend. We have a remote going Sunday from 10-noon. I'm voicetracked from 10-11 and live from 11-3. How exactly is a remote going to be on the air while I'm voicetracked? *shrugs shoulders* I don't know. I probably should have asked my boss, but I forgot. Too late now, unless I call him later today, I guess I could do that...we'll see. Anyway, then I was voicetracking for Sunday like I mentioned and I do the weather breaks during Casey Kasem...and the last track (where they do the number 1 song of the week) isn't in the computer. I don't know how to put that in the computer. So I don't know what to do about that either. I think either I have to come in early and run it off the CD, get someone to put it in the computer (which is pretty impossible on the weekends) or leave a nice note for Ashley in Frog and ask her to run it for me...that's probably what I'll end up doing. So I kicked off my day pretty poorly. Hopefully the overnight goes better for me. So far, 14 minutes into it...everything is on the air and going well. That's always a good sign. So, if you've noticed, these are pretty random thoughts right now. So...there's this guy right? lol...yeah I'm gonna go there right now because he's plaguing my mind...in a good way though. Yeah, he has me thinking about him almost non-stop. It's crazy...especially in the middle of class. He floats into my head and then I want to see you try to concentrate. Anyway, I actually work with him at the station, so it is relevant to what this blog is supposed to be about. So yeah anyway...I just can't seem to see him enough. He lives about an hour away, which makes it difficult to see each other on the spur of the moment. But, I'll take what I can get because to me he is just amazing :) No I'm not just saying that because he'll read this...lol. Anyway, I have to stop talking about him because it just makes me miss him even more. I hereby order my thoughts to an end...until next time...