Why?

Why can't I put anything behind me? Why do I have to over analyze every little thing? Why does it hurt so much when it's supposed to be the greatest feeling in the world? Why does it keep getting harder and harder with each passing day? Why can't I make it through a week without breaking down in tears? Why can't I fall asleep without crying myself to sleep lately? Why does no one understand how important some things are to me? Why do I set my priorities so much differently? Why do I curl up alone every night and think about what could of been? Why is it hard for me to open up to the people I care about? Why can't they just see?

And most of all...why can't I just be happy?

Admit it...some people don't make it so easy...

Obsessed?

Well there's been some debate whether or not I'm obsessed with this new Carrie Underwood CD.

Definition of obsessed: Verb: To have the mind excessively preoccupied with a single emotion or topic.

Ok so maybe seeing as how many of my posts lately have revolved around Carrie you might say "yeah she's more then obsessed." And maybe you might say that I have listened to her new CD 7 times in the past 2 1/2 days that yeah I must be obsessed. Or possibly you're thinking that since her songs have been in my head for the past couple days that I am over the top obsessed.

Well I'll have you know that I am a "dedicated Carrie fan"...as Rich pointed out...although the next day he did point out that he thought I was a little obsessed. Well I am going to share with you the reason this CD is amazing and that I know most of the words to most of the songs. How can you resist the sound of Carrie and the message she sends? I know I'll make Rich listen to it at some point. :) He can't get out of this one...lol...but a few lyrics below, although you can't put any context behind it without the actual song there, but listen to some of these words, it's just awesome!! And so what if I am obsessed? I'm ok with it!!

"I'm flat on the floor with my head down low, where the sky can't rain on me anymore, don't knock on my door 'cause I won't come, I'm hiding from the storm till the damage gets done."

"Now he's wrapped around her finger, she's the center of his whole world, and his heart belongs to that sweet little, beautiful, wonderful, perfect, all-american girl."

"Let's get out of this town tonight, nothing but dust in the shadows, gone by the morning light somewhere, we won't ever get caught, ever be found, baby, let's get out of this town."

"And I don't even know his last name, my mama would be so ashambed, it started off 'hey cutie where ya from,' and then it turned into 'oh no what have I done,' and I don't even know his last name."

"You can hold any girl that you like, fall in love when it's easy at night, but you'll wake up wondering why, she ain't ever something better, when you're lost and you've run out of road, find what I already know, in the end, close is all there is."

"It's not like I'm not trying, 'cause I'll give anyone a shot once, and I close my eyes, and I kiss that frog, each time finding, the more boys I meet, the more I love my dog."

So those are just a few of the wonderful songs on this CD...my favorite you ask? While I'm addicted to "All-American Girl," "So Small," and "Just A Dream," but they by far aren't the only great songs on that CD!! So buy it!! That's my plea to the world, enjoy it as much as I am!! And now I'm out...probably to listen to it some more :)

Comments

So in my life lately I don't have many things to look forward to. That's my problem. When I finally do get something to look forward to, it seems like my plants get screwed up anyway. That happened again for next weekend, so I'm back to wondering how I'm going to make it through the next few weeks. That was carrying on and now today dragged on and on because again...that's right...nothing to look forward to. However over the past few weeks I have had the chance to look forward to Carrie Underwood's new CD "Carnival Ride," which came out yesterday. I had pre-ordered it off of Amazon and it came today, one day after the release, which is not too bad. Within two minutes of me getting home and finding out I got the CD, I put it into my computer to listen to it and an hour later, it was over :) So now it will be a permanent fixture in my car CD player, at least until something better comes along (which won't happen) or I get tired of it (which rarely happens). I haven't been this excited about a CD coming out since my boy band phase when I was obsessed with NSync. I waited in line for those CDs.

Anyway I really don't have much else to say other then I'm trying to find plans for next weekend since I took the whole freaking weekend off from work...for a reason. But oh well, I have some friends that have said they'll do something with me and my mom, dad and I may go shopping as well. Maybe I'll get drunk next Saturday to make myself feel a little more normal and needed. I guess it doesn't really matter anymore anyway...later...

Another Week

So here I am on a Friday evening (or afternoon depending on how you look at it), and in a not so bad mood. Not looking forward to my weekend. I'm working long hours on Saturday and Rich is gonna be gone :( I have no idea what I'm gonna do. My sister and her boyfriend are coming in from Massachusetts tonight actually and spending the weekend helping my dad put in insulation in the attic. Fun fun, maybe it's a good thing I'm working or I'd have to help...lol.

But it was a pretty good week here. Some irritating people as usual, but I'm trying to keep my mood up. I'm tired of being down all the time, so I'm really trying. It's so hard when all I do is work all the time. If only I could have some downtime or time to spend with people I love. But I don't...and that's my life right now, so I guess I have to learn to accept it. You know it's kinda funny...when I was in high school and growing up I used to always says my career would come before a guy or before love, and all that stuff. I was set on being the "career woman," wow how things can change. Guess it depends on who you meet and what they mean to you. But still I have to focus on my career, but I would like to split that up a little, not working too well. I only have so many hours in a day. Guess it doesn't matter quite as much since Rich isn't up here most of the time anyway. Then I focus on my job to stop thinking about how much I miss him.

Anyway if you have suggestions on time management I would love to hear it!! Let me know how to juggle a full-time job, a part-time job, night meetings, a boyfriend, family, and friends...not that easy...lol. I try, but seriously 24 hours in a day, with about 7 or 8 of them sleeping...doesn't make it too easy. So let me know. Hi-Ho it's off to work I go...again...

Post #100

Yeah so I just had to put that as the title because it is officially the 100th post that I've put up...so there :)

It is Saturday. Yesterday was a good day compared to the rest of the week. Got another compliment from my editor...it only seems to happen when I'm filling in as editor. But my head only seems to hurt when I'm filling in as editor and have all that stress associated with my weeks. Maybe that's why yesterday was good because it was my last day filling in and because the editor gave me a major compliment about the way I did over the week. Even though I had to work Friday night, I wasn't totally opposed to going in.

I'm also on weekend photos, one thing today and one thing tomorrow to cover. Sometimes I actually prefer being on weekend photos then being on the radio on the weekend because I actually get to spend time with Rich away from the station. I need that once in awhile.

So Christmas is maybe 70 days away or something. I've started my Christmas shopping and am now officially listening to Christmas music in the car :) I'm a geek I know...a couple years ago I started listening to Christmas music in June...so this year it's not too bad. I'm a Christmas fan, what else can I say? I love everything about the holidays. I love putting the Christmas lights up outside, I love putting the tree up, I love the way the snow looks on the ground (if only we didn't have to drive in it), I love the spirit associated with it, I love spending time with the people I love, and most of all I love the meaning of Christmas. It always puts me in a festive and good mood. I just have to make sure that all actually happens this year. I need all the spirit and love associated with the holidays to keep me in a good mood. Guess that's my speal on the holidays for this post.

What else? Nothing that I can think of...hmm...guess I have to go get ready for the day ahead.

Oh yeah, Go Cowboys!! Still undefeated!! :)

Maybe if I had 45 hours in a day...

So I'm editor this week at the paper. Typically this weeks are better and sometimes go by faster. And I don't have to come up with two stories a day. However, the publisher decided it would be fun to tell my editor to have me do a story in a day for Breast Cancer Awareness Month and a tab we're putting out this week on it. It's due tomorrow by noon. I couldn't get ahold of the person I need to talk to for the story so my editor and I both think the publisher is insane. I won't have time in the morning to do it with me being editor and trying to get pages put out by deadline. Ugh...why me?

I've been thinking about a vacation...yes again. I know the holidays are on their way, and for once I have them off. I will have Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years off. I've told the boss at the station I can't work, and I get them off from the paper anyway. All I wanna do is be able to spend time with Rich...but yet again...I know that won't happen. He's working most of the time. It sucks to not be able to spend time with the people you love on the holidays. My older sister most likely isn't coming home for Christmas again either this year...that's like the 3rd or 4th year in a row...it sucks!! But what I really want to do is take a vacation, either by myself or something, to clear my head. I need to take time away from my family, away from work, and even to some extent away from Rich. I'm getting irritated with a lot of things really easily. Soon I'll end up saying something I'm going to regret.

I keep telling myself that God doesn't put more on my plate then I can handle at one time...so why is this so difficult for me? I have a full-time job, a part-time job, a boyfriend, friends, and family to juggle each and every day. Some days are easier then others depending on what one thing does to irritate me. I need to find more ballance in my life, but I have no idea how. That's what I'm trying to work out. Easier said then done.

Thoughts

So I don't talk about my feelings often. I blame that on middle child syndrome. If you're a middle child you know exactly what I'm talking about. The older sibling gets attention because they have all the firsts, the youngest sibling gets all the attention because they are the baby, and that leaves the middle child there saying "what about me?" Your firsts were never as important and everything you did to try to sabotage the younger sibling because they got the attention got noticed just because of that, and of course, the middle child always got in trouble!! So I learned to hold back. I'd go in my room and sit on my bed with one of my stuffed animals and my blanket and I'd cry it out. That's probably one of the reasons why I'm so emotional as well. The littlest thing can set me off, but I don't talk it out. Never have. Then I hear on the news a new study that says people that don't let their anger out and argue with the person they are having a problem with, are more likely to die from a medical condition...oh good...as if I didn't have enough to worry about.

I recall the day my grandmother died. I was only 12 or so, so it was hard to handle. My grandmother was my best friend. I spent nights over at their apartment and we used to do arts and crafts together after school because they lived right around the corner from the elementary school. I had so much fun. It was one time I could always count on to feel like I was totally and completely loved. She had asthma and was very sick. She was in the hospital off and on for the last few years before she died. She wouldn't let me or my two sisters see her when she was like that in the hospital. Then the inevitable happened and she passed away. I cried. I cried for hours on end in my room. I cried non-stop at the funeral. When I get to thinking about her I'll cry again...you know sometimes you just need a good cry. It's all a blur to me now. I hate that I'm forgetting her to some extent. I still have pictures and remember her. She was an artist and we have paintings she did hanging in the house, but it's not the same. I can't remember her smell anymore or the hug she used to give. It feels like she grows further and further away with each day. I know she doesn't, I know she's still in my heart and still watching me and hopefully smiling at what I've decided to do with my life.

What hurts just as much is that my grandfather moved on so fast and got married again and moved away. Now we don't see him except on special occasions, we don't hear from him unless something is wrong, and now I feel like a stranger to him. I guess we were never that close anyway. He disapproves of everything his grandchildren do with their lives. So we just don't talk to him that often. I keep wondering how much longer he has because he has a lot of health problems too. I dread the day we get that phone call. I kinda think that won't be too soon though because he is very stubborn in that way...lol.

I've always written down my feelings, ie: this blog or my fiction stories, and I don't get to do that as much anymore. I try to keep up on the blog, but the stories I don't do anymore. Pretty much because I write all day at work and I just don't feel like it when I get home. While I'm gonna try to start that again. Maybe it'll cheer me up when I can come home and just type. Talk about what's bothering me in something only I can read and keep track of. Getting everything out typically makes me feel a little better.

Contrary to what many people think I do try to be in a good mood. But once one thing ticks me off, that's it...the day goes completely downhill from there. Usually it's my editors fault...but what can I do? I can't call him an ass hole to his face, so I did today when I was in the ladies room...lol...he deserved it.

But anyway I really do try. Days suck when I have to go to work and come home and go to work again. I never get to spend time with the ones I love or spend time doing something for myself. Anyway, just some thoughts on the day...

Ramblings

I guess I get what I deserve. I put myself through it week after week. I let myself get so upset and worked up about everything. Why for just one week can I not be totally and completely happy? The weekends I ususally look forward to, now they're just getting as bad as the week. Maybe I overanalyze everything. Maybe I'm being a little bit selfish. Maybe I need to start seriously thinking about what makes me happy in life. Not too many things step up to the challenge there anymore.

My life revolves around work. As much as I hate that, I can't change that right now. I can't afford to change that right now. There's other people who's lives do not revolve around work, but lately they don't seem to revolve around me either. Nothing I can do will change that because it is what it is.

My friends are the greatest people in the entire world. I think there's only one that I keep in contact with from high school but she's always there when I need her and vice versa. The friends I made in college are constantly there when I need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. I just wish I had more time to see the people who truly and honestly care about me.

Everyone has priorities in their life. Whether they know that or not, people rate what they care about in order and sets a list of priorities. Sometimes it can be mentally and people may not even realize they have that list. However, people around realize what that list is just by watching and observing that person. My list is pretty simple. Of course after college the list changed for me because I no longer had schoolwork and such to mark as a priority. Work has always been one of my top priorities because I'm in this field and to advance I have to work hard and network with people who can help move me up that ladder. When I was in my second year of college I started working at Lite, and that jumped to the top of my list because I love to do it, that hasn't changed in the four years I've been working there. I remember saying many years ago in high school and college to my friends that my career would always come before any guy. I felt establishing myself in a career was more important then having some guy. As you can imagine that idea may change when you do in fact meet a guy. As it did for me. Rich quickly jumped to the top of my priorities because he always seemed to help me when I needed it and always seemed to be there for me. A year and a half later, I'm in love more then I thought possible, and I've realized that his set of priorities is different then mine. Maybe it's because he's so much older then me and had many more experiences then I have, but I had hoped that one thing would remain common. I guess I should have realized that he set his list of priorities awhile ago, and that's where they'll stay...

Just my ramblings for a Sunday morning, some things I needed to get out I guess...

Yeah...who really cares?

So I guess by the title of this you're wondering what my problem is? Well I have many lately. Some I can't expess because of the people that read this, or will happen to read this.

However the major problem is I'm sick. Not sick in the typical meaning of the word, but I'm suffering a major cold and it's making me totally miserable. I'm not one to typically complain when I'm not feeling well, but man this is harsh. I don't have time to be sick. I work a gazillion hours in a day, and weekends, and I don't have time to feel like this. My nose is running constantly and when I blow it I can't get anything out, hate that feeling. My chest is so tight and full of crap, my head feels like it's 25 times to big, and my throat is throbbing which makes it hard to breathe. Yeah maybe now I'm complaining but that's only because I don't have time for this!! I catch every cold that ever makes it's way around and it's so freaking annoying. I am ready to just go into hibernation until everything is back to the way it's supposed to be.

Second problem, while I don't actually know when I'm going to see Rich today. I know I will at some point because he has to work, but when I actually see him it won't be for very long, and after the week I've had I just need...something. I don't even know what, maybe time off, maybe time with Rich away from work (which won't happen much anymore anyway), but I just don't know anymore. Enough on that subject I suppose.

I'll move on to the lighter side of music now...you know all the good CD's seem to come out at the same time, or around the same time, same with DVD's that I want. KT Tunstall just had a new CD come out, Rascal Flatts has a new CD out now, the Backstreet Boys are supposed to be coming out with a new one which I'd like, JC Chasez as well, yeah I'm still into the boy band side I suppose. The biggest one is Carrie Underwood's at the end of October!! That one I won't wait for, I'll get that one myself...lol. As for DVD's of course CSI and CSI: Miami will have their last seasons out probably in the end of October. So yeah, Christmas is looking pretty busy this year...lol. But I just wonder how all the good artists come out with things at the same time, maybe they are doing it close to Christmas on purpose, that would make sense. Guess I answered my own question.

Well my sister is on the phone so I'm gonna wrap this one up and go breathe into the phone to give her my cold, ok maybe that won't work, but i guess it's worth a shot 'huh?

Does it look like I have 48 hours in a day?

So work is pissing me off...yes I know what you're thinking, what's new? Yeah yeah...this time is different though. My editor has been busy working on special tabs for the paper...he's had like 5 of them to do this week alone, so I understand him being stressed and not able to do as much as he usually does. And typically I don't mind helping out, but this time was different. I had to do a couple pages this week on deadline, which we never actually made this week anyway. In addition to that, they wanted me to do some extra ones, so I did the entertainment page, the valley page, and the business page, then I was asked to do the people page, in what time? In addition to all this I needed to make some phone calls and do interviews, cover night meetings, write two stories for each day. So I didn't actually do the page, and I'm sure I'll hear about it tonight when I have to go back into work. I don't even make enough money to do my own job, let alone take on this extra responsibility of putting together pages. I'm ready to just say "screw you" and walk out on them. I know I can't, but I'm only one person, unless they clone me, I can't do everything they expect me to do.

Ok, so now that I've worked myself up again and gotten upset, let's move on to a lighter subject...that still involves work though. I have a 3-day weekend!! I am so excited!! I know I've only been back to work for 2 weeks after my week-long vacation but after this week I really need to rejuvanate, I'm hoping the extra day will do that to me. Plus I get to spend it with Rich...so I'm sure that'll make it even better.

Speaking of Rich, I get to see him today too!! It's gonna be four days in a row!! Maybe that'll be the rejuvanation I need. Plus tomorrow after my shift at Lite I'm going out with a friend who I never get to go out with, so it's gonna be a good couple of days I hope!! *crosses fingers*

Update from the last post, feeling better then I was...damn allergies are still bugging the hell out of me, but the mood was better...until the past couple of days. I'm wondering how much longer I can take all this, maybe after the long weekend I'll be able to handle it a little more...I'll keep you posted.

Is there something wrong?

So it's past 1 in the morning and here I sit at my computer in my house, after just saying goodbye to Rich at the station. Not a big deal, right? But why do I come home and get online to post a blog? Especially since I was up at 7:30 this morning and 5 every morning this past week and have to get up semi-early tomorrow to work yet again...well the answer is complicated. One...I'm not tired, took a 2 hour nap today when Rich went to work. Two...I don't feel good. Three...I'm kinda down in the dumps. Let me explain.

So I had to drive about an hour today to a snowbash thing going on for the paper, had to take pictures and talk to people and all that fun stuff. It was cold, and it was raining, and I was completely miserable. When I left I was freezing and my ass was totally wet from the rain, despite me having my umbrella with me. Then I had to drive another hour to go to a Veteran Appreciation Day ceremony, which was really cool. It was still cold, but not as rainy and a little bit warmer I think. By the time I got home I was just plain miserable.

Then after two weeks I had the chance to go out with Rich again. Something that is typically very rare anyway. Usually when we get the chance to see each other, we're at work and can't do anything, or no one has money to do anything. We went mini-golfing to a new inside mini-golf place, which was ok, but very loud and crowded. I think we tied as far as scores.

So then he had to go to work and that's when I took my 2 hour nap, very nice I might add. I woke up and was freezing but felt more well rested. Then I had to go to the station to voicetrack for my Monday overnight shift. I did my show prep and voicetracked and then it was time for Rich to leave. It's the part that I never look forward to. Usually I know it's going to be at least a week before I get to see him again. Yeah he might do some fill-ins down here during the week, but when do I actually have time to do anything besides work during the week? I'm getting to the point where I dread my work weeks. The pressure of having two stories each day is beginning to make me crack, not to mention everything else associated with it...the long hours, the very low pay...is it at all worth it? I'm beginning to wonder.

Anyway, moving on...my nose has been running all night, could be associated with my allergies but I don't know. I've been freezing too. It has been cold today, only a high of like 57 or so, so maybe that's it, but I wonder if being out in the rain and cold today gave me a cold? ugh...man I hope not. My mom said a respitory infection thing is going around and her work and I catch everything that goes around so I really hope that that doesn't decide to grace me with its prescence as well.

The final thought I had for the day was it feels like there's more of goodbye then there is of actually seeing him. *sigh* Why is life so unfair sometimes? I'm beginning to wonder what the big master plan is for me. I guess at some time, hopefully in the near future, we'll see.

Birthday

So it's the day after my birthday and if you read my last post you're probably wondering if I had a half-way decent day. Well I really did, for the most part. Got wonderful birthday wishes from many people. Even though I had to work, it wasn't bad. I had the night off so I went in to do my voicetracking and came home, ate dinner (chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, carrots), opened presents, and had cake. It was almost a perfect day...Almost.

I wonder sometimes why I can't stand my ground. Why I can go to my room and get pissed and talk about things that are bothering me, but I can't stand up to people. I prioritized my life a long time ago, where work always took the forefront before anything else, but in the recent year or so those priorities began to change. I found an amazing guy, graduated college and got my first full-time job, started paying my student loans, the changes keep piling on and yes the stress is there, and maybe my attitude can sometimes be blamed on that, but I've also determined I want more. Maybe not just more out of life, but more out of everything. I just wish some other people would change their priorities, because I'm starting to get tired of being left behind or feeling like I'm not needed.

Is it asking too much to want some time? Yes a journalist never has time. They cover everything and anything that needs to be covered, but even when I have down time is it too much to want to get away and do something else? I don't do that though. Who do I have to go out with anymore? I have a few close friends but most don't live very close so I can't just get up and go out and have a drink...and talk.

So anyway, that's my rant for the day after my birthday and here's another, I'm off to work for the night :( *sigh* sometimes I just don't know what to do anymore, any suggestions?

Birthday week...

So it's my birthday week and this is a really short one. I'm in a crappy mood even though I just got back from vacation.

I'm in pain, I'm cranky, and I don't wanna go back to work.

My birthday's on Thursday, which I always get excited about, but this week, not so much. I get a nice birthday dinner and my gifts and a cake, and spend the day with my family, but not the person I want to spend it with. Oh well, life goes on and then you die...yes I did mention I'm cranky.

And that's all I have to say today...

Vacation

So it's 8:40 in the evening the night before we leave on vacation and a few things keep running through my mind. I'm a little anxious about calling in sick to work tomorrow, I hate doing that, no matter what happens. They can't say much though, I'm gonna be sick tomorrow...lol. Second, I'm anxious about the drive, which I always get a little nervous about. Then I can't stop thinking about Rich. Yeah, I'm gonna be gone only a week, but I can't stand being away for a day, how am I gonna last like two weeks without him? I don't know. I know I'll make it, I always do, but to not be able to hug him and kiss him? It just sucks.

I am looking forward to being away from here for a week though. Sometimes you just have to get away. As they say distance brings people closer...yeah right...sure...lol.

So I probably will check in again the following week after I get back from vacation, just to warn ya :)

Ok, so I saw Carrie Underwood in concert for the second time in two years last Sunday. She was with Rodney Atkins at the New York State Fair, and both were amazing performances!! She is the one artist I will pay to see over and over again. My throat was a touch sore the following day from the screaming and I was on five hours of sleep to go to work that day, but it's all worth it to see her. She's the only past American Idol contestant I have ever voted for. I can't wait for her newest CD at the end of October.

Anyway, vacation time is awaiting...need to get my sleep. Have a wonderful week!!

A day...that's all it is...

So...yesterday I was having one of those days. You know, I love weekends. For one, I don't have to work an 8 hour day at the paper, for two I get to typically see Rich. Sometimes spend time with him outside of work, sometimes not, but either way, I love just being able to see him. Then the time goes where it's time to go our seperate ways. It always sucks, having to say goodbye and not sure when we're gonna see each other again. Yeah...probably the next Saturday, but it still sucks. Sometimes it hurts to just talk to him on the computer because it's not the same, but oh well, another sucky week on the way. So where'd my good attitude go? Home with Rich :( I'll be ok again by tomorrow, but Sunday's are hard. I don't know what else to do...

No :(

All I'm going to say is it's not going to be as easy as I thought...I don't know how much more I can take...

Day #1

So I guess this is technically day #1 of the new me. I don't feel different, lol. What a day to start this. Friday's are usually ok in the morning because I get out at 11 and don't have to worry about anything else, but I still have to go in later tonight, and that's when my mood starts to go down. Around 4:00 or so knowing that in a few hours I'm headed back in. I hate working Friday nights. However, I'm gonna try to change that attitude. Yes I have to work, but in one week is my Carrie concert, in two weeks is my vacation, and even better, tomorrow I get to see Rich. Not for nearly long enough but what would my life be like if I got everything I wanted? Oh yeah...pretty damn good.

So yeah...what a day.

Moving on however, my mom is turning 50 next year!! The big 5-0...and for my dad's 50th we did a huge party for him, of course I was the DJ, so my dad and I have been talking and we want to do something for my mom too. That's where I come in, I do powerpoint presentations...they take months to put together, scanning pictures, editing music, putting together the presentation. But they come out really nice. I've done three so far. The first one my mom and I did together for my dad's 50th birthday. I did the music, she did the presentation. Then for my older sisters college graduation I did one all by myself for her, and the third was for my little sister's high school graduation. I love doing those. Wish I could go into business doing it, but the equipment and time would consume it all and if I wasn't sure how much money would come in on it, it's not worth it yet. I think people would really get into it though. They're are so much fun to put together. Anyway, any great suggestions to make my mom's totally awesome? Like better then all the others? lol. Her birthday's not until next August (yes she just had it) but with work, I don't know how much time it'll take me to put it together, so I thought I'd start early. So if you have suggestions, definitely let me know!! What about a theme for the party? For my dad's we did the "it's a boy" theme, you know like all blue and kids things, like a baby shower type thing. So we need to come up with something awesome. Let's put our heads together *ouch* that had to hurt...hehe...ok, anyway, just leave some ideas!! I'll keep ya updated on the development of the party ideas!!

So what now? I'm bored..hmm...guess I'm off to find something good to do. Day #1 is going ok :)

Revelation

So here I am...another day kinda behind me. Not really, still have to go voicetrack the overnight and then going to a village board meeting tonight before Big Brother at 8...don't know if I'll be home in time for that though.

Anyway, I did some thinking yesterday and think I came up with something. I need to start to take control of my life. Nothing is going to change unless I want it to change. If I don't like my job well it's time to start doing something about it. If I'm not happy with myself it's time to start doing something to change that. If I don't feel good then it's time to look at why that's the case and what I can do to change it.

So I started doing that today. Well, technically yesterday. I e-mailed the guy from the OD and set up kind of a "phone interview" type thing. I'm calling hime tomorrow after I get home from work. That's the first part. I start excercising again and I wore a skirt for the first time to work, and believe it or not I had a good day. The editor interviewed someone else for the open reporter job, and him and I got along really good today. So I'm doing ok right now. I'm going to try to change myself...gradually...but nonetheless change. I want to be a happier more active person. Not someone who just works and sleeps...although work does consume many hours in my days lately. I need to stop relying on people or expecting anything from people, when I'm capable of doing things myself. I can be independent too! lol.

So what brought on this sudden change? Well...two people actually. They probably don't know it, but my mom flipped out yesterday at me and my sister. As much as it hurts when she gets like that, she made some sort of sense in a weird type of way. Then it was Rich...so he's reading this going what? :) (Am I right?) lol...but yeah, I'm not going into too much detail but I know he can get upset/irritated with me when I rant about things, maybe not even that...but he gets irritated with me. It's not worth losing someone I care deeply about. The last thing I want is to push anyone away, so I'm going to try to change my attitude.

I know I know...easier said then done, but we'll see and I'll keep ya updated :) Hope you have a wonderful day!!

Remember Me This Way...

"Remember Me This Way" from the movie Casper...if you were meant to get this you will...you know who you are...

Every now and then We find a special friend Who never lets us down Who understands it all Reaches out each time you fall You're the best friend that I've found I know you can't stay But part of you will never ever go away Your heart will stay

I'll make a wish for you And hope it will come true That life will just be kind To such a gentle mind If you lose your way Think back on yesterday Remember me this way Remember me this way

I don't need eyes to see The love you bring to me No matter where I go And I know that you'll be there Forever more a part of me You're everywhere I'll always care

I'll make a wish for you And hope it will come true That life will just be kind To such a gentle mind If you lose your way Think back on yesterday Remember me this way Remember me this way

And I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you I'll be standing by your side in all you do And I won't ever leave As long as you believe You just believe

I'll make a wish for you And hope it will come true That life will just be kind To such a gentle mind If you lose your way Think back on yesterday Remember me this way Remember me this way This way

So Small

So Carrie released her new single yesterday...it's called "So Small" and of couse being that I am a Carrie fan it's obvious I'm going to love anything that has her name attached to it, but when I heard the song it was different. It's so true, and if you know me at all you know that it fits me almost perfectly. It brings tears to my eyes...so even though you can't take a listen to it right here and here how it's supposed to, take a look at the lyrics...beautiful...

What you got if you aint got love? The kind that you just wanna give away It's okay to open up Go ahead and let the light shine through I know it's hard on a rainy day You wanna shut the world out And just be left alone Don't run out on your dreams

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing Is just a grain of sand What you've been out there searching for forever, Is in your hands When you figure out love is all that matters, after all It sure makes everything else Seem so small

So easy to get lost inside A problem that seems so big, at the time It's like a river that's so wide And swallows you whole While you sittin round thinking about what you can't change And worryin' about all the wrong things Time's flying by, moving so fast Better make it count, cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing Is just a grain of sand What you've been out there searchin for forever Is in your hands Oh, When you figure out love is all that matters after all It sure makes everything else Seem so small

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing Is just a grain of sand What you've been out there searchin for forever Is in your hands Oh, When you figure out love is all that matters after all It sure makes everything else Oh it sure makes everything else Seem so small