Trying to figure things out

I haven't been in the greatest of moods lately, and to top it off I hurt my shoulder on Sunday so now I'm in an even worse mood. I'm trying to make it through each day, which for some reason is always harder then the previous day. I'm looking forward to my August vacation, because lets face it, I need it. I need time away from both my jobs, and I'm happy to be spending it in Virgina, a great place to spend a week. Maybe I need a vacation to be able to figure things out. We're also looking at taking a cruise early next year, so I'm excited about going on my first cruise. I'm happy I get to take paid vacations now. Makes it a lot easier to take a vacation.

So anyway, yeah, haven't been in a great mood. I'm making it through work, then I go home, eat dinner, sometimes walk with my mom, and sit in front of the TV. So I've been trying to change that. My sister and I are going to My Sister's Keeper (a free showing) tomorrow night and the next week my mom and I are going to Drums Along the Mohawk in Rome. I'm tired of sitting around not doing anything because I have noone to do it with, so I'm going to start taking things into my own hands...even if it means doing things with my family. They're usually up for it anyway.

So I took my walk today during lunch and it was a gorgeous walk...had to be in the 70's with a slight breeze. I listen to my mp3 player to get me pumped and moving and a song that I forgot about but love came on. Have you heard SheDaisy's "Don't Worry 'Bout A Thing?" It was very fitting and I even smiled during the song. So I let that song be a part of my day today...maybe not after today, but I'm going to try to not worry about a thing for the rest of today. If you haven't heard the song, lyrics are below, and you should really listen to it sometime...great song to put you in a better mood!

Ever been misunderstood, misused, or misled
Ever knocked on the sky
and had it fall on your head
well, don't worry 'bout it, don't worry
Ever lost your luggage, your marbles,
your house
Or found yourself in bed with Uncle Sam or Mickey Mouse
Ever been accused of murder on Music Row
Or caught in morning traffic when you
really gotta go - Oh no!

Life is funny, life's a mess
Sometimes a curse, sometimes a blessing
Don't worry 'bout a thing, don't worry 'bout it
Life gets sticky, life can bruise
Sometimes you win sometimes your losing
No matter what it brings
Don't worry 'bout a thing

Ever sat yourself down when the
seat is all wet
Or see your "ex" sucking face with
a little brunette
Don't worry 'bout it, no don't worry
Ever lost your religion, ever lost your
best friend
Or found your last record in the bargain bin
Or been stuck in a divorce like crazy glue
Or scraped someone else's gum off the
bottom of your show - Boo hoo!

Life is funny, life's a mess
Sometimes a curse, sometimes a blessing
Don't worry 'bout a thing, don't worry 'bout it
Life gets sticky, life can bruise
Somestimes you win sometimes your losing
No matter what it brings
Don't worry 'bout a thing

Don't worry, don't worry

We all got a little junk in the trunk
And when you're feelin' good as sunk
Remember, everything will be just fine
If I laugh at yours then you'll laugh at mine

Life is funny, life's a mess
Sometimes a curse, sometimes a blessing
Don't worry 'bout a thing, don't worry 'bout it
Life gets sticky, life can bruise
Sometimes you win sometimes your losing
No matter what it brings
Don't worry 'bout a thing

Life is funny, life's a mess
Sometimes a curse, sometimes a blessing
Don't worry 'bout a thing, don't worry 'bout it
Life gets sticky, life can bruise
Sometimes you win sometimes your losing
No matter what it brings
Don't worry 'botu a thing

Don't worry, don't worry

Life gets sticky, life can bruise
Sometimes you win sometimes your losing
No matter what it brings
Don't worry 'bout a thing.

Everything happens for a reason...

So much is going on lately. So much that is making me soooooo tired day in and day out. My mind is overloaded with things I'm thinking about, yet it never prevents me from falling asleep because I'm soooooo tired.

My grandfather's been in the hospital for a few weeks now. They thought they would lose him but he's hanging on. My mom and aunt flew out yesterday to be with him and look at some nursing homes that offer rehab programs. He was apparently bit by a tick and he has some type of disease (can't remember the name of it - and no it's not lyme) and it's caused nerological damage and complete loss of vision. He is legally blind anyway but could see shadows and things...now he can't see anything. As I keep telling everyone he's a fighter and stubborn as hell and he'll live for another 10 years. So my mom says he looks good, which is good.

When all this started, I know it's awful to say, but I wasn't upset. I keep thinking back to the times we used to spend together. Before my grandmother passed away we had a great time. They lived in Utica with us, right down the street from our elementary school. Sometimes we used to walk to their apartment from the school. We'd spend the night at their place and our grandmother would teach us cool art things and our grandfather would read to us or take us outside for a walk. I was only 12 when she passed away and it devastated me. We were so young that that was the worst thing that could ever happen. I think the hardest part is she wouldn't even let her grandchildren see her in the hospital before she passed away. She didn't want us seeing her like that. And then she was gone. The funeral is the worst thing I ever went through. For months I spent time in my room writing in my journal just trying to get the feelings out. When he remarried I was happy for him. He needed someone to spend the rest of his life with, and she's a great woman. He moved to Maryland to live in her house. After that, he pretty much alienated everyone on his side of the family. Never visited, never called. We see him once every 5 or 6 years probably. We saw him last year and he just has to find a way to insult everyone of his granddaughters and even his daughters...nothing is ever good enough for him. So when we were leaving, my mom blew up at him which really upset her. She felt like she let her mom down by yelling at her father because she was raised to never raise your voice at your parents. They made up a few weeks later by talking on the phone and now here she is, out with him. I wish I had a grandfather that was a little more involved. If my grandmother was still around she would be so proud about the way her granddaughters grew up. He doesn't care. Nothing is ever good enough. He cared a little more when she was around. I know when he does finally pass away we'll all be sad, because he is family and we do love him, but at the same time he's never been there for us. He was hardly ever there for his daughters. Maybe all this happend as a way for God to tell us that he's not going to be around forever and we need to forgive and forget and come together as a family.

For once the bright spot in my life is work. I'm loving work and can't wait to start working for the new council. Work is the one thing I can guarentee will take my mind off of everything else I'm struggling with lately. I have constant battles in my head about certain issues, and I just wonder if it'll ever change. I just want to be normal...have a normal relationship, have a normal family, just be normal, is that too much to ask?

Hurt feelings and stuff...

So to say the least I'm not in a good mood. I'm making do and trying to figure things out. I've always been an independent person. I know what I want and I go after what I want. I've been working since I was 15, and since I started in the full-time world a few years ago, I have not been without a job, despite the fact that I was rejected for a few full-time openings and let go from one place, the same day I got another job. I've worked hard to be an independent woman with hopes and dreams, and I think I'm fulfilling them now. I'm learning a lot and growing and turning into the person I hope to continue to be. I'm also an emotional person and maybe I take too many things to heart, but it's the person I am. I hate when people don't think I'm doing my best. Sure everyone makes mistakes and I can accept that, I've made my fair share of mistakes. But when I don't think I've made a mistake, and am accused of making a mistake...well let's just say I can be a stubborn person...

I guess to get to the point, I've been hurt. Not the physical kind, but the emotional kind. It's a hurt I didn't see coming. It's a hurt that will pass with time. It's a hurt that I'm sorry can't fix. It's a hurt that shouldn't have happened. Communication is key, and when you don't, or you say things without thinking, it leads to a hurt that can't be taken back and could have been avoided. When I trust someone, I trust them with my whole heart, and this has left a spot on that trust. The spot too will fade. I love you with all my heart. The heart just needs a little healing now.

So I know that everything in my life has happend for a reason. What explains this best is a song from Carrie Underwood called "Lessons Learned"

There's some things that I regret
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change life has thrown me,
I'm thankful for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
Bit it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change life has thrown me,
I'm thankful for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
'Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall rom my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change life has thrown me,
I'm thankful for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.

I'm sure a lot of you could relate to these lyrics. And the lyrics came back into my head today and it seemed to fit my mood so thought I would post them up here.

I'm ready to move on from this hurt. Gone but not forgotten for now. It'll be ok...