Why?

Why can't I put anything behind me? Why do I have to over analyze every little thing? Why does it hurt so much when it's supposed to be the greatest feeling in the world? Why does it keep getting harder and harder with each passing day? Why can't I make it through a week without breaking down in tears? Why can't I fall asleep without crying myself to sleep lately? Why does no one understand how important some things are to me? Why do I set my priorities so much differently? Why do I curl up alone every night and think about what could of been? Why is it hard for me to open up to the people I care about? Why can't they just see?

And most of all...why can't I just be happy?

Admit it...some people don't make it so easy...

Obsessed?

Well there's been some debate whether or not I'm obsessed with this new Carrie Underwood CD.

Definition of obsessed: Verb: To have the mind excessively preoccupied with a single emotion or topic.

Ok so maybe seeing as how many of my posts lately have revolved around Carrie you might say "yeah she's more then obsessed." And maybe you might say that I have listened to her new CD 7 times in the past 2 1/2 days that yeah I must be obsessed. Or possibly you're thinking that since her songs have been in my head for the past couple days that I am over the top obsessed.

Well I'll have you know that I am a "dedicated Carrie fan"...as Rich pointed out...although the next day he did point out that he thought I was a little obsessed. Well I am going to share with you the reason this CD is amazing and that I know most of the words to most of the songs. How can you resist the sound of Carrie and the message she sends? I know I'll make Rich listen to it at some point. :) He can't get out of this one...lol...but a few lyrics below, although you can't put any context behind it without the actual song there, but listen to some of these words, it's just awesome!! And so what if I am obsessed? I'm ok with it!!

"I'm flat on the floor with my head down low, where the sky can't rain on me anymore, don't knock on my door 'cause I won't come, I'm hiding from the storm till the damage gets done."

"Now he's wrapped around her finger, she's the center of his whole world, and his heart belongs to that sweet little, beautiful, wonderful, perfect, all-american girl."

"Let's get out of this town tonight, nothing but dust in the shadows, gone by the morning light somewhere, we won't ever get caught, ever be found, baby, let's get out of this town."

"And I don't even know his last name, my mama would be so ashambed, it started off 'hey cutie where ya from,' and then it turned into 'oh no what have I done,' and I don't even know his last name."

"You can hold any girl that you like, fall in love when it's easy at night, but you'll wake up wondering why, she ain't ever something better, when you're lost and you've run out of road, find what I already know, in the end, close is all there is."

"It's not like I'm not trying, 'cause I'll give anyone a shot once, and I close my eyes, and I kiss that frog, each time finding, the more boys I meet, the more I love my dog."

So those are just a few of the wonderful songs on this CD...my favorite you ask? While I'm addicted to "All-American Girl," "So Small," and "Just A Dream," but they by far aren't the only great songs on that CD!! So buy it!! That's my plea to the world, enjoy it as much as I am!! And now I'm out...probably to listen to it some more :)

Comments

So in my life lately I don't have many things to look forward to. That's my problem. When I finally do get something to look forward to, it seems like my plants get screwed up anyway. That happened again for next weekend, so I'm back to wondering how I'm going to make it through the next few weeks. That was carrying on and now today dragged on and on because again...that's right...nothing to look forward to. However over the past few weeks I have had the chance to look forward to Carrie Underwood's new CD "Carnival Ride," which came out yesterday. I had pre-ordered it off of Amazon and it came today, one day after the release, which is not too bad. Within two minutes of me getting home and finding out I got the CD, I put it into my computer to listen to it and an hour later, it was over :) So now it will be a permanent fixture in my car CD player, at least until something better comes along (which won't happen) or I get tired of it (which rarely happens). I haven't been this excited about a CD coming out since my boy band phase when I was obsessed with NSync. I waited in line for those CDs.

Anyway I really don't have much else to say other then I'm trying to find plans for next weekend since I took the whole freaking weekend off from work...for a reason. But oh well, I have some friends that have said they'll do something with me and my mom, dad and I may go shopping as well. Maybe I'll get drunk next Saturday to make myself feel a little more normal and needed. I guess it doesn't really matter anymore anyway...later...

Another Week

So here I am on a Friday evening (or afternoon depending on how you look at it), and in a not so bad mood. Not looking forward to my weekend. I'm working long hours on Saturday and Rich is gonna be gone :( I have no idea what I'm gonna do. My sister and her boyfriend are coming in from Massachusetts tonight actually and spending the weekend helping my dad put in insulation in the attic. Fun fun, maybe it's a good thing I'm working or I'd have to help...lol.

But it was a pretty good week here. Some irritating people as usual, but I'm trying to keep my mood up. I'm tired of being down all the time, so I'm really trying. It's so hard when all I do is work all the time. If only I could have some downtime or time to spend with people I love. But I don't...and that's my life right now, so I guess I have to learn to accept it. You know it's kinda funny...when I was in high school and growing up I used to always says my career would come before a guy or before love, and all that stuff. I was set on being the "career woman," wow how things can change. Guess it depends on who you meet and what they mean to you. But still I have to focus on my career, but I would like to split that up a little, not working too well. I only have so many hours in a day. Guess it doesn't matter quite as much since Rich isn't up here most of the time anyway. Then I focus on my job to stop thinking about how much I miss him.

Anyway if you have suggestions on time management I would love to hear it!! Let me know how to juggle a full-time job, a part-time job, night meetings, a boyfriend, family, and friends...not that easy...lol. I try, but seriously 24 hours in a day, with about 7 or 8 of them sleeping...doesn't make it too easy. So let me know. Hi-Ho it's off to work I go...again...

Post #100

Yeah so I just had to put that as the title because it is officially the 100th post that I've put up...so there :)

It is Saturday. Yesterday was a good day compared to the rest of the week. Got another compliment from my editor...it only seems to happen when I'm filling in as editor. But my head only seems to hurt when I'm filling in as editor and have all that stress associated with my weeks. Maybe that's why yesterday was good because it was my last day filling in and because the editor gave me a major compliment about the way I did over the week. Even though I had to work Friday night, I wasn't totally opposed to going in.

I'm also on weekend photos, one thing today and one thing tomorrow to cover. Sometimes I actually prefer being on weekend photos then being on the radio on the weekend because I actually get to spend time with Rich away from the station. I need that once in awhile.

So Christmas is maybe 70 days away or something. I've started my Christmas shopping and am now officially listening to Christmas music in the car :) I'm a geek I know...a couple years ago I started listening to Christmas music in June...so this year it's not too bad. I'm a Christmas fan, what else can I say? I love everything about the holidays. I love putting the Christmas lights up outside, I love putting the tree up, I love the way the snow looks on the ground (if only we didn't have to drive in it), I love the spirit associated with it, I love spending time with the people I love, and most of all I love the meaning of Christmas. It always puts me in a festive and good mood. I just have to make sure that all actually happens this year. I need all the spirit and love associated with the holidays to keep me in a good mood. Guess that's my speal on the holidays for this post.

What else? Nothing that I can think of...hmm...guess I have to go get ready for the day ahead.

Oh yeah, Go Cowboys!! Still undefeated!! :)

Maybe if I had 45 hours in a day...

So I'm editor this week at the paper. Typically this weeks are better and sometimes go by faster. And I don't have to come up with two stories a day. However, the publisher decided it would be fun to tell my editor to have me do a story in a day for Breast Cancer Awareness Month and a tab we're putting out this week on it. It's due tomorrow by noon. I couldn't get ahold of the person I need to talk to for the story so my editor and I both think the publisher is insane. I won't have time in the morning to do it with me being editor and trying to get pages put out by deadline. Ugh...why me?

I've been thinking about a vacation...yes again. I know the holidays are on their way, and for once I have them off. I will have Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years off. I've told the boss at the station I can't work, and I get them off from the paper anyway. All I wanna do is be able to spend time with Rich...but yet again...I know that won't happen. He's working most of the time. It sucks to not be able to spend time with the people you love on the holidays. My older sister most likely isn't coming home for Christmas again either this year...that's like the 3rd or 4th year in a row...it sucks!! But what I really want to do is take a vacation, either by myself or something, to clear my head. I need to take time away from my family, away from work, and even to some extent away from Rich. I'm getting irritated with a lot of things really easily. Soon I'll end up saying something I'm going to regret.

I keep telling myself that God doesn't put more on my plate then I can handle at one time...so why is this so difficult for me? I have a full-time job, a part-time job, a boyfriend, friends, and family to juggle each and every day. Some days are easier then others depending on what one thing does to irritate me. I need to find more ballance in my life, but I have no idea how. That's what I'm trying to work out. Easier said then done.

Thoughts

So I don't talk about my feelings often. I blame that on middle child syndrome. If you're a middle child you know exactly what I'm talking about. The older sibling gets attention because they have all the firsts, the youngest sibling gets all the attention because they are the baby, and that leaves the middle child there saying "what about me?" Your firsts were never as important and everything you did to try to sabotage the younger sibling because they got the attention got noticed just because of that, and of course, the middle child always got in trouble!! So I learned to hold back. I'd go in my room and sit on my bed with one of my stuffed animals and my blanket and I'd cry it out. That's probably one of the reasons why I'm so emotional as well. The littlest thing can set me off, but I don't talk it out. Never have. Then I hear on the news a new study that says people that don't let their anger out and argue with the person they are having a problem with, are more likely to die from a medical condition...oh good...as if I didn't have enough to worry about.

I recall the day my grandmother died. I was only 12 or so, so it was hard to handle. My grandmother was my best friend. I spent nights over at their apartment and we used to do arts and crafts together after school because they lived right around the corner from the elementary school. I had so much fun. It was one time I could always count on to feel like I was totally and completely loved. She had asthma and was very sick. She was in the hospital off and on for the last few years before she died. She wouldn't let me or my two sisters see her when she was like that in the hospital. Then the inevitable happened and she passed away. I cried. I cried for hours on end in my room. I cried non-stop at the funeral. When I get to thinking about her I'll cry again...you know sometimes you just need a good cry. It's all a blur to me now. I hate that I'm forgetting her to some extent. I still have pictures and remember her. She was an artist and we have paintings she did hanging in the house, but it's not the same. I can't remember her smell anymore or the hug she used to give. It feels like she grows further and further away with each day. I know she doesn't, I know she's still in my heart and still watching me and hopefully smiling at what I've decided to do with my life.

What hurts just as much is that my grandfather moved on so fast and got married again and moved away. Now we don't see him except on special occasions, we don't hear from him unless something is wrong, and now I feel like a stranger to him. I guess we were never that close anyway. He disapproves of everything his grandchildren do with their lives. So we just don't talk to him that often. I keep wondering how much longer he has because he has a lot of health problems too. I dread the day we get that phone call. I kinda think that won't be too soon though because he is very stubborn in that way...lol.

I've always written down my feelings, ie: this blog or my fiction stories, and I don't get to do that as much anymore. I try to keep up on the blog, but the stories I don't do anymore. Pretty much because I write all day at work and I just don't feel like it when I get home. While I'm gonna try to start that again. Maybe it'll cheer me up when I can come home and just type. Talk about what's bothering me in something only I can read and keep track of. Getting everything out typically makes me feel a little better.

Contrary to what many people think I do try to be in a good mood. But once one thing ticks me off, that's it...the day goes completely downhill from there. Usually it's my editors fault...but what can I do? I can't call him an ass hole to his face, so I did today when I was in the ladies room...lol...he deserved it.

But anyway I really do try. Days suck when I have to go to work and come home and go to work again. I never get to spend time with the ones I love or spend time doing something for myself. Anyway, just some thoughts on the day...