Ramblings

I guess I get what I deserve. I put myself through it week after week. I let myself get so upset and worked up about everything. Why for just one week can I not be totally and completely happy? The weekends I ususally look forward to, now they're just getting as bad as the week. Maybe I overanalyze everything. Maybe I'm being a little bit selfish. Maybe I need to start seriously thinking about what makes me happy in life. Not too many things step up to the challenge there anymore.

My life revolves around work. As much as I hate that, I can't change that right now. I can't afford to change that right now. There's other people who's lives do not revolve around work, but lately they don't seem to revolve around me either. Nothing I can do will change that because it is what it is.

My friends are the greatest people in the entire world. I think there's only one that I keep in contact with from high school but she's always there when I need her and vice versa. The friends I made in college are constantly there when I need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. I just wish I had more time to see the people who truly and honestly care about me.

Everyone has priorities in their life. Whether they know that or not, people rate what they care about in order and sets a list of priorities. Sometimes it can be mentally and people may not even realize they have that list. However, people around realize what that list is just by watching and observing that person. My list is pretty simple. Of course after college the list changed for me because I no longer had schoolwork and such to mark as a priority. Work has always been one of my top priorities because I'm in this field and to advance I have to work hard and network with people who can help move me up that ladder. When I was in my second year of college I started working at Lite, and that jumped to the top of my list because I love to do it, that hasn't changed in the four years I've been working there. I remember saying many years ago in high school and college to my friends that my career would always come before any guy. I felt establishing myself in a career was more important then having some guy. As you can imagine that idea may change when you do in fact meet a guy. As it did for me. Rich quickly jumped to the top of my priorities because he always seemed to help me when I needed it and always seemed to be there for me. A year and a half later, I'm in love more then I thought possible, and I've realized that his set of priorities is different then mine. Maybe it's because he's so much older then me and had many more experiences then I have, but I had hoped that one thing would remain common. I guess I should have realized that he set his list of priorities awhile ago, and that's where they'll stay...

Just my ramblings for a Sunday morning, some things I needed to get out I guess...

Yeah...who really cares?

So I guess by the title of this you're wondering what my problem is? Well I have many lately. Some I can't expess because of the people that read this, or will happen to read this.

However the major problem is I'm sick. Not sick in the typical meaning of the word, but I'm suffering a major cold and it's making me totally miserable. I'm not one to typically complain when I'm not feeling well, but man this is harsh. I don't have time to be sick. I work a gazillion hours in a day, and weekends, and I don't have time to feel like this. My nose is running constantly and when I blow it I can't get anything out, hate that feeling. My chest is so tight and full of crap, my head feels like it's 25 times to big, and my throat is throbbing which makes it hard to breathe. Yeah maybe now I'm complaining but that's only because I don't have time for this!! I catch every cold that ever makes it's way around and it's so freaking annoying. I am ready to just go into hibernation until everything is back to the way it's supposed to be.

Second problem, while I don't actually know when I'm going to see Rich today. I know I will at some point because he has to work, but when I actually see him it won't be for very long, and after the week I've had I just need...something. I don't even know what, maybe time off, maybe time with Rich away from work (which won't happen much anymore anyway), but I just don't know anymore. Enough on that subject I suppose.

I'll move on to the lighter side of music now...you know all the good CD's seem to come out at the same time, or around the same time, same with DVD's that I want. KT Tunstall just had a new CD come out, Rascal Flatts has a new CD out now, the Backstreet Boys are supposed to be coming out with a new one which I'd like, JC Chasez as well, yeah I'm still into the boy band side I suppose. The biggest one is Carrie Underwood's at the end of October!! That one I won't wait for, I'll get that one myself...lol. As for DVD's of course CSI and CSI: Miami will have their last seasons out probably in the end of October. So yeah, Christmas is looking pretty busy this year...lol. But I just wonder how all the good artists come out with things at the same time, maybe they are doing it close to Christmas on purpose, that would make sense. Guess I answered my own question.

Well my sister is on the phone so I'm gonna wrap this one up and go breathe into the phone to give her my cold, ok maybe that won't work, but i guess it's worth a shot 'huh?

Does it look like I have 48 hours in a day?

So work is pissing me off...yes I know what you're thinking, what's new? Yeah yeah...this time is different though. My editor has been busy working on special tabs for the paper...he's had like 5 of them to do this week alone, so I understand him being stressed and not able to do as much as he usually does. And typically I don't mind helping out, but this time was different. I had to do a couple pages this week on deadline, which we never actually made this week anyway. In addition to that, they wanted me to do some extra ones, so I did the entertainment page, the valley page, and the business page, then I was asked to do the people page, in what time? In addition to all this I needed to make some phone calls and do interviews, cover night meetings, write two stories for each day. So I didn't actually do the page, and I'm sure I'll hear about it tonight when I have to go back into work. I don't even make enough money to do my own job, let alone take on this extra responsibility of putting together pages. I'm ready to just say "screw you" and walk out on them. I know I can't, but I'm only one person, unless they clone me, I can't do everything they expect me to do.

Ok, so now that I've worked myself up again and gotten upset, let's move on to a lighter subject...that still involves work though. I have a 3-day weekend!! I am so excited!! I know I've only been back to work for 2 weeks after my week-long vacation but after this week I really need to rejuvanate, I'm hoping the extra day will do that to me. Plus I get to spend it with Rich...so I'm sure that'll make it even better.

Speaking of Rich, I get to see him today too!! It's gonna be four days in a row!! Maybe that'll be the rejuvanation I need. Plus tomorrow after my shift at Lite I'm going out with a friend who I never get to go out with, so it's gonna be a good couple of days I hope!! *crosses fingers*

Update from the last post, feeling better then I was...damn allergies are still bugging the hell out of me, but the mood was better...until the past couple of days. I'm wondering how much longer I can take all this, maybe after the long weekend I'll be able to handle it a little more...I'll keep you posted.

Is there something wrong?

So it's past 1 in the morning and here I sit at my computer in my house, after just saying goodbye to Rich at the station. Not a big deal, right? But why do I come home and get online to post a blog? Especially since I was up at 7:30 this morning and 5 every morning this past week and have to get up semi-early tomorrow to work yet again...well the answer is complicated. One...I'm not tired, took a 2 hour nap today when Rich went to work. Two...I don't feel good. Three...I'm kinda down in the dumps. Let me explain.

So I had to drive about an hour today to a snowbash thing going on for the paper, had to take pictures and talk to people and all that fun stuff. It was cold, and it was raining, and I was completely miserable. When I left I was freezing and my ass was totally wet from the rain, despite me having my umbrella with me. Then I had to drive another hour to go to a Veteran Appreciation Day ceremony, which was really cool. It was still cold, but not as rainy and a little bit warmer I think. By the time I got home I was just plain miserable.

Then after two weeks I had the chance to go out with Rich again. Something that is typically very rare anyway. Usually when we get the chance to see each other, we're at work and can't do anything, or no one has money to do anything. We went mini-golfing to a new inside mini-golf place, which was ok, but very loud and crowded. I think we tied as far as scores.

So then he had to go to work and that's when I took my 2 hour nap, very nice I might add. I woke up and was freezing but felt more well rested. Then I had to go to the station to voicetrack for my Monday overnight shift. I did my show prep and voicetracked and then it was time for Rich to leave. It's the part that I never look forward to. Usually I know it's going to be at least a week before I get to see him again. Yeah he might do some fill-ins down here during the week, but when do I actually have time to do anything besides work during the week? I'm getting to the point where I dread my work weeks. The pressure of having two stories each day is beginning to make me crack, not to mention everything else associated with it...the long hours, the very low pay...is it at all worth it? I'm beginning to wonder.

Anyway, moving on...my nose has been running all night, could be associated with my allergies but I don't know. I've been freezing too. It has been cold today, only a high of like 57 or so, so maybe that's it, but I wonder if being out in the rain and cold today gave me a cold? ugh...man I hope not. My mom said a respitory infection thing is going around and her work and I catch everything that goes around so I really hope that that doesn't decide to grace me with its prescence as well.

The final thought I had for the day was it feels like there's more of goodbye then there is of actually seeing him. *sigh* Why is life so unfair sometimes? I'm beginning to wonder what the big master plan is for me. I guess at some time, hopefully in the near future, we'll see.

Birthday

So it's the day after my birthday and if you read my last post you're probably wondering if I had a half-way decent day. Well I really did, for the most part. Got wonderful birthday wishes from many people. Even though I had to work, it wasn't bad. I had the night off so I went in to do my voicetracking and came home, ate dinner (chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, carrots), opened presents, and had cake. It was almost a perfect day...Almost.

I wonder sometimes why I can't stand my ground. Why I can go to my room and get pissed and talk about things that are bothering me, but I can't stand up to people. I prioritized my life a long time ago, where work always took the forefront before anything else, but in the recent year or so those priorities began to change. I found an amazing guy, graduated college and got my first full-time job, started paying my student loans, the changes keep piling on and yes the stress is there, and maybe my attitude can sometimes be blamed on that, but I've also determined I want more. Maybe not just more out of life, but more out of everything. I just wish some other people would change their priorities, because I'm starting to get tired of being left behind or feeling like I'm not needed.

Is it asking too much to want some time? Yes a journalist never has time. They cover everything and anything that needs to be covered, but even when I have down time is it too much to want to get away and do something else? I don't do that though. Who do I have to go out with anymore? I have a few close friends but most don't live very close so I can't just get up and go out and have a drink...and talk.

So anyway, that's my rant for the day after my birthday and here's another, I'm off to work for the night :( *sigh* sometimes I just don't know what to do anymore, any suggestions?

Birthday week...

So it's my birthday week and this is a really short one. I'm in a crappy mood even though I just got back from vacation.

I'm in pain, I'm cranky, and I don't wanna go back to work.

My birthday's on Thursday, which I always get excited about, but this week, not so much. I get a nice birthday dinner and my gifts and a cake, and spend the day with my family, but not the person I want to spend it with. Oh well, life goes on and then you die...yes I did mention I'm cranky.

And that's all I have to say today...