Here I am...

So here I am on a Sunday after a nice litle nap sitting here and thinking, which is always a scary thought. I was spoiled and had Friday and Saturday off this past week. So because of that I shouldn't be complaining about having to work today. It wasn't a bad day...just tiring. We had a remote going on so that kept me busy for a little while. But boy was I exhausted. I know getting home at 1:30 in the morning might have had something to do with that...but I still got 6 or so hours of sleep. I've noticed a trend lately. I get much tired easier then I used to. I take more naps then I used to also. I guess that's welcome to the real world right there. Of course many people in the real world don't work 3 jobs and don't have to work 6 or 7 days a week. I got to see many of my family members and relatives and friends this weekend with my sister's high school graduation. Many of them all said the same thing, "Don't overwork yourself or burn yourself out." I normally reassured them that I was ok, but I've gotten to the point where I don't even want to get off my lazy ass to go into work anymore. Is that sad or what? I mean I've only been doing this for 6 or so weeks, and I'm already at that point. I ran into one of my old professors last week and she said I looked great and she was happy she got to watch me grow over the last 2 years that she's known me. But she said the same thing to me. Don't overwork yourself. She said "In a field like this, you can burn out really quickly if you don't take time away from it all." She was referring to the reporting end of things. I'm not covering those late breaking types of stories though that would probably be more likely to receive burn out. So I was at work today and feeling like lately the world has been moving past at warp speed. I sleep, work, and sometimes eat, then I do it all over again. So my insanity level is at it's highest, and I saw this in one of our show prep's in the studio and I laughed and thought I would share it. I think I might try some of these sometimes...lol How To Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity At The Office: At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a blow dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they wants fries with that. Put your grabage can on your desk and label it "in." As often as possible, skip rather then walk. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer. Specify in fast food drive-thrus that your order is "to go." Sing along at the opera. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. Drape mosquito netting over your cubicle and play a tape of jungle sounds all day. Insist that your co-workers addrss you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim. When leaving the zoo, run towards the parking lot, screaming "They're loose! They're loose!" Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go." Regardless of their actual name, call your boss LeRoy. So do you think you could use one of those at your office or anywhere really? Make people think that the workplace has really drove you over the deep end. lol..yeah sounds good to me. But anyway, having 2 days off was nice, but in a way i wish i hadn't...because now I know what it feels like to almost have a "weekend" and I want that again. So no school anymore means no homework, but being out of school means working your ass off to try to find a full time job so you can quit all the part time jobs...yeah, nothing comes easy, especially in this field. Finding a job isn't all that easy in the broadcasting field. I keep telling people I'm looking...and I am...but I don't have much time to do that either. When I'm home I want to relax and do nothing for sometime, but no one seems to understand that. Well to everyone that doesn't understand where I'm coming from...just bite me...it's been a long day...

How about a vacation?

So I've only been an actual "working girl" for a month now. I'm just plain worn out already. I just finished my 15 day working stretch yesterday...I get today off then it's back to it tomorrow...but at least this week I get Friday and Saturday off. I'm getting to the point where my panic attacks are ready to come back. For those of you that don't know, it was probably a couple years ago that I started having panic attacks when I was working at the nursing home because of all the drama and shit that went on there. They were nothing that posed a risk to myself really, my heart would just start racing, my vision would become blurred, my breath would become shortened. Whenever that happened I would go somewhere quiet and just stop everything. It normally only happened while I was at work, but a few times I had a couple at home. It was all because of one of the co-workers that I used to have. She was friends with my supervisor so nothing would have been done. So I went over my supervisors head and talked to our boss about it. Things started to change after that, and not long after things changed for good when my co-worker quit. Moral of the story, I'm realizing that I'm starting to get to that point where I'm having a hard time dealing. There's not that drama and stuff going on like there used to be, but I'm not able to sleep at night, I cry at almost any argument I get in with my family, I'm cranky more often then I used to be. I'm afraid I really will burn out if I don't start to learn to say No when people ask me to work. Mainly at this I mean the nursing home. She's nice to me whenever she needs me to work, and I'm stupid enough to say yes. I need the money...that's what I keep thinking. Yeah...I may need the money, but I my health is kind of important too. So relaxing is on top of my agenda now, but it's so damn hard. I have so much shit I need to get done...and so little time. I just want to disappear at some point. Have you ever felt that way? So I just need to look into some type of vacation to do nothing but relax and sleep. Doesn't that sound good? If only that would ever happen. I can't afford to take a vacation either...makes it kind of difficult...but I'm hoping by the end of the summer I'll have enough to do something or go somewhere. I would even just settle for taking time off from work and staying home to sleep in and do nothing. But anyway...I've made an executive decision. As scary as that sounds...I'm going to start to take some time for myself. After pushing myself for the past 15 days I know if I keep this up I'll have to deal with those damn panic attakcs again and that is really the last thing that I need right now. I have enough on my plate as it is. But one saying keeps running through my mind. "God doesn't put more on your plate then you can handle." So I can handle it, I just have to prioritize a little more I think. It's been a wake up call to me when I felt a panic attack coming on a couple days ago...now the goal is to find a way to deal with everything without burning out or over working myself again. I'll keep you posted...

Does Love Exist?

So I pose a simple yet not so simple question to everyone who either is in love now or has been in love at some point: Does love actually exist? I've heard a lot of different people. I look around and see couples holding hands and happy. You can tell when they are in love. I've been told recently that I "have the glow of love." There's just times I can't stop smiling and that certain person is on my mind all day every day. So maybe I should start out with an easier question: What is love? If you've ever been in love you know the feeling you get. It's that feeling in the bottom of your stomach and never getting enough of a person. Love is something very special. Then I look at other people. They claimed they were in "love." If people are in "love" then why do they hurt each other? People cheat on people all the time. Divorces happen every day. If you look at the statistics it makes it hard to believe in love. Some people say Love can't die. The truth is...it can. Love is that special feeling that you are able to share with another person. It doesn't always last forever...nothing lasts forever. I am able to look at my parents and all of my relatives and know that love is real and love is there. The proof is in the fact that they are still all together. My parents for 27 years...I'm one of the lucky ones who gets to see that and know that love is for real. You don't always find it the first time...but in my opinion of course love exists. I don't think the world would go around without it. But I still pose the question to you...Does love actually exist?

Overnight Issues

So I was stuck at the station this weekend doing two (count them...TWO) overnights. The first one was ok and went pretty smoothly. I was training someone so I had company for a little bit. It always helps when you have someone to talk to and you're not all alone in the building. Well I wasn't all alone anyway. Just down the hall my boyfriend was sleeping (lucky him, right?) Now on my second overnight of the weekend, he is yet again down the hall sleeping but I'm all alone in the studio. This is the last place I want to be right now. I am TIRED...I want to go home cuddle up in my bed with my kitty and my blanket and just be able to go off peacefully to dreamland. I have a few more hours before that is going to happen. When I get really tired I get cranky and emotional...it's just the way I have always been. You don't even want to talk to me in person right now because I would probably bite your head off. So anyway, I'm sitting here...with not enough caffeine in my obviously because I want to go to sleep. Although my hands are shaking a little so I don't know if I have two much caffeine or not enough. Plus I don't feel good. I ache all over from being tired. And to top it all off I can't help but cry. I know it's stupid...but I said I get emotional when I'm tired. So here I am crying like an idiot and trying to talk on the radio...it's a good thing that no one listens on an overnight anyway. And for once I don't give a damn what I sound like. I'm not focused on anything except making it through and getting out of here and home in one piece. Then a few other things run through my mind...making me think about other things. It's a viscious cycle...and it keeps repeating itself it seems. Yeah, I think I talk a lot when I'm tired too. Anyway, I need to stay wake someone...drinking caffeine!! Until next time...as long as there is a next time...

Thoughts Neverending...

So my mind has been taking some detours lately to unchartered locations. Yeah a lot of thinking has been done. I still don't think it has quite hit me that in the fall I won't be going back to school. It has hit me that I have been working my ass off and I think it's starting to take its toll. As my sister said...3 jobs is 2 too many. I'm beginning to see that. I like what I'm doing as far as that is concerned...but I think I see some burn out right around the corner. I've already had a couple break downs and I think I would prefer not to have that happen again. So I've decided that I just need to start finding time to relax. The past couple of days I have been plagued with just not feeling that great...so I need to learn to spend time on myself. I guess kind of pampering myself in some sense. I've only been working all these jobs for 3 weeks but I think I'm ready for a vacation already. I think things will get easier for me. Covering events every night of the week takes a lot out of me. Probably because they are kind of boring in a sense but I think that I will get used to it as time goes on. I never pictured myself as a reporter. When I went to college for the first time it never crossed my mind that I would ever be able to interview people or write stories about events or news. Am I sorry it went this way? No...not sorry...just surprised. Anyway...going off on tangents again. Just some general thoughts that keep running through my mind. I have several concerns right now that are plaguing me. I'm just hoping in due time the concerns will start to fade. In the meantime...relaxation is the key!! lol...that's my goal anyway. Anyway...I'll keep you posted on what becomes of the jobs and how stressed and burned out I will be. Until next time, signing out...

One of those days...

So have you ever had one of those days that you know you should be in a good mood but instead you can't help but be in a bad mood? Yeah--yesterday was that day for me. I was with Rich the entire day so I should have been ecstatic to just be able to see him and be with him...but instead, I just couldn't help but have concerns and such plague me. Maybe the working thing is catching up to me...that could be my excuse for being so emotional yesterday...but it's probably not true. I know exactly what was on my mind...of course I knew, it is my mind...but as of now I'm not sharing it with anyone. I have a few concerns and problems that I need to try to work through on my own. What are they related to? Well...that question isn't going to be answered either. I couldn't help it, yesterday from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep I would just have moments where I just had to cry. You know sometimes you do just need a good cry. Although being with Rich yesterday I did a pretty good job of hiding it, and he was able to take my mind off of what I was thinking for a little while. And then the nighttime rolled around and I got him concerned, which wasn't my goal by any means. Although I wish I could have stayed with him all night...it might have been a good thing I had to come home. I was able to do some serious thinking...and came to the conclusion that I miss him. lol...so it might have been good to come home by myself, but in the long run, I still wanted to be with him. It's a crazy mixed up vicious cycle that we go through every week when we don't get to see each other. What makes this cycle inevitable? Well...our work schedules for the most part. I'm in the middle of a 15 day stretch of working. That's more then 2 weeks straight...you realize that? I have most days off which is nice I can kind of relax and catch up on sleep...and of course miss Rich more :) But yeah...the main reason for this post was to just ask if you've ever had one of those days where everything should be fine and perfect and ideal but it just isn't? Yeah--it's not fun...especially when you wish the problem wasn't an actual problem...