Kim's Korner

Inspiration...or something like that

2010-07-29T09:14:00.002-04:00

Well here I am...almost 6 months since my last post. So what brings me back? The fact that I need to vent. Sometimes writing it down helps. I hate that I don't write as much as I used to. I used to love writing short stories and poems but now I have no time whatsoever. So here I am finally with a minute or two to write down my feelings.

It's been almost a year and 10 months since I started Weight Watchers. I feel like a new person. I know I didn't put the weight on overnight and it doesn't come off overnight but it feels like it has been such a long journey. If you think about it though, I was overweight most of my life...all 25 years of it...so for it to take about 2 years to take it off, really that's not bad. I make time in my day to exercise. I watch what I eat and I've cut back on snacks, soda, and vending machines. I don't eat fast food anymore. Subway is about the only place I'll go that's kind of "fast foodish." I've lost 75 pounds and am only 5 POUNDS FROM GOAL!! You can't know how excited I am about that. However, I've been 5 pounds from goal for almost a month and am getting quite frustrated. Maybe I've become a little too comfortable and am not being as careful as I should or not exercising as much as I should, but it's become frustrating!

I'm just ready to be there. If you've ever gone through this journey, you'll know what I mean. So yesterday I made a commitment to myself...I'm going to reach goal in August. No excuses. There's really no reason I shouldn't. I am not going to splurge. I am going to eat my points, and only my points, daily. I'm going to exercise daily. It's the final push and I need to be committed at this or I'll never get there.

Frustration is part of the program and I've let it get me down before and it has me pretty upset right now since none of my hard work is showing, but it's worked so far and it's time for the final push! Goal ... here I come!

Looking ahead to Valentine's Day

2010-02-01T15:12:00.003-05:00

When I was a little girl I used to dream about the perfect guy sweeping me off my feet. As was every girl's fantasy, I dreamed about what my wedding would be, that perfect guy standing next to me. But as time goes by those fantasies quickly turn to reality as you realize there's no such thing as the perfect guy. Hey there's not even such a thing as the perfect girl (gasp - did I actually say that???) All there really is, is two people who love each other so much that they would do anything for them. I see that in my parents, the perfect example of what a real couple is like. Sure they have arguments like every other normal couple, but in the end, they always work everything out because there's understand, compromise, and of course love.

As Valentine's Day approaches every year I think about the people I love in my life. I also think about how I shouldn't just think about it at this time each year. Life is short, who knows what could happen tomorrow that tears you apart from a loved one. It should just be another day, right? I've never actually been out with my boyfriend on Valentine's Day - and we've been together nearly 4 years. So I don't know why this year I want it so much. Maybe because our outings usually aren't alone and consist of shopping and eating.

I came across this article in the latest Cosmo that I had to smile about. It's called "Guys Uncensored: Why Men Forget Valentine's Day." First of all I thought, what woman lets her guy forget about Valentine's Day? My boyfriend couldn't forget about it if he wanted to...not with me nagging him about it. :) He loves it though. So I have to share this article with you and I want your opinions about it! Do you think these reasons are legit? Sound off!

Guys Uncensored: Why Men Forget Valentine's Day

There are three simple reasons for why many guys don't recognize February 14 as a special day. (Hint: It's not that he doesn't care about you.)

Valentine's Day is around the corner, and there's a good chance your boyfriend or husband will forget it. You're aware of this possibility; in fact, if he's forgotten on previous occasions, you may even already be getting aggravated in anticipation of it. Before you focus your rage on him, however, remember that the man who forgets Valentine's Day is a cliche for a reason: A lot of men forget Valentine's Day.

The male editors of AskMen.com have helped a lot of dudes survive the aftermath of doing so, and in the process we've learned a lot about why they do. Today we impart those lessons to women in the hopes of sparing some of our fellow men some future pain. Here are the three reasons men forget Valentine's Day.

1. Because Our Friends Forget It Too

Women talk about Valentine's Day in the days leading up to it. You'll discuss your plans with your girlfriends and, if none have been made, you'll speculate as to what surprises may be in store. Among men, however, we're lucky if even one of our friends raises the topic - because the rest of us need someone to remind us. Men forget Valentine's Day for the same reason men fumble many relationship matters: We lack a support network to remind us of its importance. The event simply never comes up in conversation until it is raised by our girlfriends...the day after.

2. Because We're Tired Out From The Pursuit

The pursuit being the pursuit of you. In the early weeks of a relationship, we guys will go all-out planning elaborate dates and romantic surprises. In doing so, we contradict our nature (see reason #3), but competition drives us to persist. We know that there are plenty of other men waiting to swoop in if our courting efforts fail, so we push ourselves into playing the suave Casanovas that we most certainly are not. The pursuit usually proves successful just as exhaustion sets in, and we stop doing all those wonderful things that made you fall for us, leaving you to wonder, "Why doesn't he even remember Valentine's anymore?"

3. Because Our Emotions Are Reactionary

That's to say, we don't show emotions until strongly provoked into doing so. Blame this on generations of fathers who told their sons to "man up" until restraint became part of our genetic code - and acknowledge that, most of the time, you like this quality in us. No woman wants a whimpering wet towel of a partner who's always ready to offer up his feelings, and our awareness of this makes us all the more restrained. So when it comes to Valentine's Day, that most sentimental of holidays, we are subject to two opposing forces: genetic instincts that tell us to "man up" and resist participating, and social instincts that tell us to get on the phone and ring in some roses. Neurons begin misfiring, the brain shuts down, and, next thing you know...we've forgotten Valentine's Day.

During the ensuing argument, however, we will show emotion. We'll plead and tell you how much we love you, and those of us from poor man-stock may even shed some tears. And though you may dismiss the spectacle as being less sincere for having required activation, it's just the way we men operate. The feelings are there, but they have to be triggered. So once you see them, you can rest assured in the knowledge that we do care about you. We just don't care about Valentine's Day.

Something...

2009-12-17T15:37:00.002-05:00

There's something about this time of year that is so peaceful - so surreal - so wonderful!

It's been a stressful year, I'm not quite sure about a few things, and I'm struggling with a few other things, and feel like I'm running on empty. Then you have parties or get together with family, friends, and loved ones and you remember just why you're here. At least I do. With the Girl Scout council being just 5 months old it has been a very stressful transition and micro-managing and learning for everyone. Everyone thinks their way is best and it gets to be very difficult to focus on the reason you're here. It's for the girls. They get a safe environment away from the other pressures of school and boys and peer pressure. It's focusing on that and some of the amazing stories that I hear about everyday that keep me going. That and the time we, as co-workers, get to get together. It's hard being spread across 26 counties now - you can't connect with people as easily, so when our office gets together it's great. We had a Christmas party today and ordered food in and played some games - it was really amazing.

Now I'm hoping that the week we're off between Christmas and New Years gives us all a chance to rejuvenate and take a step back from everything we're going through to make us all stronger for the New Year.

There's just something peaceful about this time of year that makes me not care about the little things as much. I focus on the things that matter like being with my family and being thankful that it has been another wonderful year and that we're all healthy and there to celebrate it together. There's things more important then what gift to get or what cookies to bake...it's the time with your family that can't be replaced. Treasure it. Remember it. And never forget it!

It's that time of year

2009-11-09T08:44:00.002-05:00

With Christmas a short 46 days away, I always spend some time thinking about the meaning of Christmas and sometimes wishing those that I love could be around to celebrate with us. It never ceases to amaze me as I watch people start to gather in the stores to buy those electronics and games or fight over that last toy left on the shelf. What are we teaching our children to expect tons of things on Christmas? And that's all it is...things...stuff that quite often will end up broken or stuffed in a corner somewhere. I think about those that have nothing and would give anything to be able to give their child something, even clothes for them to wear. Why aren't we helping them instead of spoiling children (or adults for that matter)? They would love a nice warm meal on Christmas or a place to stay that's out of the snow and cold, something we always take for granted.

Why aren't we teaching children the real meaning of Christmas? Take some time out this holiday season to really think about your life and what values you hope your children will grow up with. Teach them to help out this holiday season, whether it's ringing the bell for the Salvation Army Red Kettle campaign, or volunteering at a food bank or soup kitchen for a few days ... these are things that make a real difference and your children will thank you for as they get older. It's never too early to instill in your children the act of generosity. There are people that are a lot less fortunate and could use your help! Remember that this holiday season and lend a hand!

Gearing up for the biggest event of my life...

2009-07-09T12:45:00.002-04:00

So what do you think of when you see that title? Not yet marriage or a child...so what could it be? Well the best event in the country of course! Boilermaker Sunday is fast approaching...it's a 15K run throughout the great streets of our city. No, I'm not taking part in the 15K run because I really don't want to die yet. I am however, for the first time, participating in some Boilermaker festivities. Their are a ton of opportunities to take part in the Boilermaker every year. This year, I am walking, with my parents, in the 3-mile walk. I tell people 3 miles and they say that that's no big deal...but for me, it is. I've never walked 3-miles before. That is until this week. Two days this week I walked on the treadmill for 3 miles so I'm ready and prepared for it! The walk takes place on Saturday and I think I'm ready to do it! I'm sure I'll be sore the next day as right now my legs and back are killing me from the two days of 3-mile walking, but I'm ready and excited!

On Sunday I'm taking part in another way. Last year my dad and I were up at like 6 a.m. to go watch the racers. This year, for the third non-consecutive year, I am working at the station for the Boilermaker Music Marathon...two hours of commercial-free music for the runners. It's great music too! Music we don't play normally, but it's upbeat and I love working during it because it'll get me going. I just hope I'm not in a huge amount of pain by the time I have to get up to work.

So my weekend is jam-packed full of fun stuff. The great thing is my weekend gets going at 5 p.m. today as I took tomorrow off and am spending the day at Enchanted Forest/Water Safari. I'm actually getting excited about spending the day there and getting to go on some water rides. Aww...fun times! Let the weekend begin *looks at clock* ok...4 hours to go...then let the weekend begin!

Hoping for a change of heart...

2009-07-06T14:30:00.002-04:00

It's a Monday. That should be enough said...Monday's are typically not good days. Yet, usually I can get motivated enough on a Monday to accomplish something. Anything would do. Granted I did accomplish a couple press releases and getting ready for my meeting tomorrow...but I'm just down in the dumps.

Now it could be the fact that I had to come back after a 3-day weekend...noone likes that. It could be the fact that I desperately need a vacation and it's still a month and a half away. But it's none of that...I know exactly what it is. It's the fact that after a long weekend with him I'm back home...alone...and miserable. Lately it seems that sometimes it hurts more to be with him and then have to leave then it does to just talk online. That I can deal with...it's the leaving part that is becoming almost too hard to handle. At least for the summer I know the next time I'll get to spend time with him...but then what? We're both too busy and wrapped up in whatever to make it happen as often as it should...often going months on end without spending any quality time together.

Why do they say absence makes the heart grow fonder? It sucks...bottom line. Maybe because it's been 3 and a half years, but it sucks. In hindsight I wonder if I knew how hard it would be if things would have been different for me. I just wonder why...

I'm an independent woman for crying out loud...I don't need a guy to make me happy, right? Well apparently that's BS also. I look back at high school and college when all my friends had guys and I was quite content being on my own. I didn't need anyone. I was focused on my schooling and my career. Building myself up in my career has always been my number one priority.

Then he came along. Swept me off my feet (not literally...although that would have been interesting). It wasn't bad at first because we did get to see each other more because he was working more up here so I knew I would see him and we went out occassionally. Plus I was still building myself up in my career, and it still came first. Until recently it never really bothered me that we didn't see each other that much. Maybe now because I'm settled in my career, and quite HAPPY about where I am for the first time in a long time. I guess now I want the relationship to progress like my career did but now we seem to be stuck in the same place we have been for over a year. I guess with neither of us willing to relocate now things are going to remain this way for awhile.

I'm just not sure how much more my heart can take. It feels like it's in pieces...

Trying to figure things out

2009-06-23T15:24:00.002-04:00

I haven't been in the greatest of moods lately, and to top it off I hurt my shoulder on Sunday so now I'm in an even worse mood. I'm trying to make it through each day, which for some reason is always harder then the previous day. I'm looking forward to my August vacation, because lets face it, I need it. I need time away from both my jobs, and I'm happy to be spending it in Virgina, a great place to spend a week. Maybe I need a vacation to be able to figure things out. We're also looking at taking a cruise early next year, so I'm excited about going on my first cruise. I'm happy I get to take paid vacations now. Makes it a lot easier to take a vacation.

So anyway, yeah, haven't been in a great mood. I'm making it through work, then I go home, eat dinner, sometimes walk with my mom, and sit in front of the TV. So I've been trying to change that. My sister and I are going to My Sister's Keeper (a free showing) tomorrow night and the next week my mom and I are going to Drums Along the Mohawk in Rome. I'm tired of sitting around not doing anything because I have noone to do it with, so I'm going to start taking things into my own hands...even if it means doing things with my family. They're usually up for it anyway.

So I took my walk today during lunch and it was a gorgeous walk...had to be in the 70's with a slight breeze. I listen to my mp3 player to get me pumped and moving and a song that I forgot about but love came on. Have you heard SheDaisy's "Don't Worry 'Bout A Thing?" It was very fitting and I even smiled during the song. So I let that song be a part of my day today...maybe not after today, but I'm going to try to not worry about a thing for the rest of today. If you haven't heard the song, lyrics are below, and you should really listen to it sometime...great song to put you in a better mood!

Ever been misunderstood, misused, or misled
Ever knocked on the sky
and had it fall on your head
well, don't worry 'bout it, don't worry
Ever lost your luggage, your marbles,
your house
Or found yourself in bed with Uncle Sam or Mickey Mouse
Ever been accused of murder on Music Row
Or caught in morning traffic when you
really gotta go - Oh no!

Life is funny, life's a mess
Sometimes a curse, sometimes a blessing
Don't worry 'bout a thing, don't worry 'bout it
Life gets sticky, life can bruise
Sometimes you win sometimes your losing
No matter what it brings
Don't worry 'bout a thing

Ever sat yourself down when the
seat is all wet
Or see your "ex" sucking face with
a little brunette
Don't worry 'bout it, no don't worry
Ever lost your religion, ever lost your
best friend
Or found your last record in the bargain bin
Or been stuck in a divorce like crazy glue
Or scraped someone else's gum off the
bottom of your show - Boo hoo!

Life is funny, life's a mess
Sometimes a curse, sometimes a blessing
Don't worry 'bout a thing, don't worry 'bout it
Life gets sticky, life can bruise
Somestimes you win sometimes your losing
No matter what it brings
Don't worry 'bout a thing

Don't worry, don't worry

We all got a little junk in the trunk
And when you're feelin' good as sunk
Remember, everything will be just fine
If I laugh at yours then you'll laugh at mine

Don't worry, don't worry

Life gets sticky, life can bruise
Sometimes you win sometimes your losing
No matter what it brings
Don't worry 'bout a thing.

Everything happens for a reason...

2009-06-18T09:26:00.002-04:00

So much is going on lately. So much that is making me soooooo tired day in and day out. My mind is overloaded with things I'm thinking about, yet it never prevents me from falling asleep because I'm soooooo tired.

My grandfather's been in the hospital for a few weeks now. They thought they would lose him but he's hanging on. My mom and aunt flew out yesterday to be with him and look at some nursing homes that offer rehab programs. He was apparently bit by a tick and he has some type of disease (can't remember the name of it - and no it's not lyme) and it's caused nerological damage and complete loss of vision. He is legally blind anyway but could see shadows and things...now he can't see anything. As I keep telling everyone he's a fighter and stubborn as hell and he'll live for another 10 years. So my mom says he looks good, which is good.

When all this started, I know it's awful to say, but I wasn't upset. I keep thinking back to the times we used to spend together. Before my grandmother passed away we had a great time. They lived in Utica with us, right down the street from our elementary school. Sometimes we used to walk to their apartment from the school. We'd spend the night at their place and our grandmother would teach us cool art things and our grandfather would read to us or take us outside for a walk. I was only 12 when she passed away and it devastated me. We were so young that that was the worst thing that could ever happen. I think the hardest part is she wouldn't even let her grandchildren see her in the hospital before she passed away. She didn't want us seeing her like that. And then she was gone. The funeral is the worst thing I ever went through. For months I spent time in my room writing in my journal just trying to get the feelings out. When he remarried I was happy for him. He needed someone to spend the rest of his life with, and she's a great woman. He moved to Maryland to live in her house. After that, he pretty much alienated everyone on his side of the family. Never visited, never called. We see him once every 5 or 6 years probably. We saw him last year and he just has to find a way to insult everyone of his granddaughters and even his daughters...nothing is ever good enough for him. So when we were leaving, my mom blew up at him which really upset her. She felt like she let her mom down by yelling at her father because she was raised to never raise your voice at your parents. They made up a few weeks later by talking on the phone and now here she is, out with him. I wish I had a grandfather that was a little more involved. If my grandmother was still around she would be so proud about the way her granddaughters grew up. He doesn't care. Nothing is ever good enough. He cared a little more when she was around. I know when he does finally pass away we'll all be sad, because he is family and we do love him, but at the same time he's never been there for us. He was hardly ever there for his daughters. Maybe all this happend as a way for God to tell us that he's not going to be around forever and we need to forgive and forget and come together as a family.

For once the bright spot in my life is work. I'm loving work and can't wait to start working for the new council. Work is the one thing I can guarentee will take my mind off of everything else I'm struggling with lately. I have constant battles in my head about certain issues, and I just wonder if it'll ever change. I just want to be normal...have a normal relationship, have a normal family, just be normal, is that too much to ask?

Hurt feelings and stuff...

2009-06-09T17:01:00.002-04:00

So to say the least I'm not in a good mood. I'm making do and trying to figure things out. I've always been an independent person. I know what I want and I go after what I want. I've been working since I was 15, and since I started in the full-time world a few years ago, I have not been without a job, despite the fact that I was rejected for a few full-time openings and let go from one place, the same day I got another job. I've worked hard to be an independent woman with hopes and dreams, and I think I'm fulfilling them now. I'm learning a lot and growing and turning into the person I hope to continue to be. I'm also an emotional person and maybe I take too many things to heart, but it's the person I am. I hate when people don't think I'm doing my best. Sure everyone makes mistakes and I can accept that, I've made my fair share of mistakes. But when I don't think I've made a mistake, and am accused of making a mistake...well let's just say I can be a stubborn person...

I guess to get to the point, I've been hurt. Not the physical kind, but the emotional kind. It's a hurt I didn't see coming. It's a hurt that will pass with time. It's a hurt that I'm sorry can't fix. It's a hurt that shouldn't have happened. Communication is key, and when you don't, or you say things without thinking, it leads to a hurt that can't be taken back and could have been avoided. When I trust someone, I trust them with my whole heart, and this has left a spot on that trust. The spot too will fade. I love you with all my heart. The heart just needs a little healing now.

So I know that everything in my life has happend for a reason. What explains this best is a song from Carrie Underwood called "Lessons Learned"

There's some things that I regret
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change life has thrown me,
I'm thankful for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
Bit it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
'Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall rom my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change life has thrown me,
I'm thankful for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.

I'm sure a lot of you could relate to these lyrics. And the lyrics came back into my head today and it seemed to fit my mood so thought I would post them up here.

I'm ready to move on from this hurt. Gone but not forgotten for now. It'll be ok...

Weird medical issues?

2009-05-29T20:52:00.002-04:00

So lately I've been having some issues which I believe to be connected to my health. It's really weird. I was with my dad at an installation he was being installed at and I almost passed out. It's the weirdest feeling ever. My heart started racing, my ears started to ring, I started to sweat, my head was pounding, I started to get weak, my vision went white and I almost passed out. It was when I was standing at the beginning of the ceremony and then every time I stood after that it would start to come back. Now those of you that know me know I don't like being the center of attention so it would have been awful to go down, but I'm sure I was that close.

The reasoning behind it remains a mystery. I am prone to panic attacks when I get stressed and/or nervous, but I didn't feel stressed or nervous. I was my normal self, taking pictures for my dad, enjoying an evening with my family. Now for the past few days (since that day) I seem to be getting dizzy more often and have no idea why. I'm hoping it's not something serious. I have a clean bill of health for my heart, but it could be my blood pressure or blood sugar or something like that...who knows.

All I know is it's making me pretty nervous, especially if this begins to happen more regularly. Maybe the panic attacks I got as a teenager are getting worse. That would not be good. Any thoughts and/or suggestions? Anyone ever experience similar situations or symptoms?

Looking forward to a new adventure

2009-05-26T14:41:00.002-04:00

Let's face it...sometimes your life just gets into a rut, right? You know what I'm talking about. The day to day activities are just that...the same thing from day to day. During the week it's quite simple, I wake up (way too early I might add!), I exercise, I get ready for work, I go to work, I get out of work and go home, sometimes exercise, eat dinner, and then sit in my chair on the computer until I go to bed and wake up the next morning to do it all over again. Now sometimes there is a little variety in my routine. Maybe I'll go out to dinner on a night, or something, but typically it's my regular routine. Sound exciting? Wait until you hear about the excitement of the weekends...I get up (get to sleep a little later!), exercise, go to church (on Sundays), go to work (on Saturdays), come home and sit in the chair on the computer. Exciting? Yeah, not so much.

I get tired of doing the same old thing from day to day. I'm only 24 years old, I should have a life and I should be living the life. I guess I'm not really sure how I do that. I've been working since age 15, and typically on weekends I had to be up at 4:30 in the morning to get to work, so I never had the opportunity to stay out late. Also I never had a whole lot of friends...just my little group, and now they are all busy either working or spending time with their signficant others (which I don't get to do all that often), and so I'm stuck in my routine.

So yes I am looking forward to my new job (which is not starting as of June 1 like originally planned). I think the variety in the job will help me get out of this rut I'm in. There is a lot more traveling involved with the position, and I like to travel, so that will be good. I also noticed I have missed the going out part of the job I had as a reporter, and the covering breaking news. The rush I got when I did that live spot on the radio about the guy arrested for attacking and raping a Utica girl was such a rush. Although the story was sad and disturbing, I got to tell the story and watch as it unfolded. Same thing with covering the breaking news of the women's body found behind a firehouse...there's something about breaking news that just gets your adrenaline flowing. Any reporter knows what I'm talking about. So being able to travel and go see different areas of the state (and Pennsylvania) and going to different events, I think it's going to be a good thing.

Although I'm happy and exciting about starting a new chapter of my life, some things never change when it comes to the routine...and for now we'll deal with that. What the future holds for me, only God knows, but for now I'll enjoy the journey.

Needle in a Haystack

2009-05-19T10:37:00.002-04:00

You ever get that feeling like you're searching for a needle in a haystack? No matter what you will never find what you're looking for? Sometimes I feel like that. I'm scrambling around just trying to figure out where my life is heading or where I am supposed to be or what I'm supposed to be doing. Everything happens for a reason. I know that. God puts you where you are supposed to be at that time. With everything I've gone through, I've always landed on my feet.

I've always been a religious person. Been going to church my entire life. Your life is mapped out when you're a kid. You go to school. You participate in extracurricular activities. You go to church. Your parents pretty much take control and lead you through life, pretty much until you graduate from high school. Granted when you're in high school you get some freedom. You get to date, you can have summer jobs or jobs in general, you get to go out with your friends. But there's also a certain aspect of expectation placed on you to live up to your parents standards. You still follow their rules and have to listen to them or you won't be dating or going out with friends. Every teenager wants that freedom. They want to get away from that "expectation" and the "control" that parents have. I was never that type of kid. Rarely went out late at night, rarely dated (if you went to my school you'd know why!). I was a homebody. I liked being surrounded by my family and liked going out with my parents when they went shopping or out to dinner. Both my sisters didn't want to be seen with my parents when they got older, different personalities I guess.

But then you graduate high school, now what? Now your parents have let the reigns go. Now YOU decide what you want to do. I know I still felt pressure from my parents to continue schooling and go to college. I don't think I HAD to by any means. My parents would have supported my decision to not go to college, but they knew I could do more. My grades would only get me into a community college, but there I blossomed and after 2 years got accepted as a transfer at my original first choice college, which, for me, was a huge accomplishment. In my opinion, a female in the working field today, needs to have that bachelor's degree to compete with any men going for a certain position. It shows what you've accomplished and that you're a hard worker and able to compete in today's workforce. Then you graduate college...now what? There's no roadmap layed out like when you were a child. Now you're on your own. Parents will guide you and offer input if you ask, but essentially you're an adult. It's time to make decisions.

Getting my first full-time job was a huge accomplishment for me. Working there for a year gave me some graet experience. The day I was laid off I felt like my world was crumbling around me. But as I mention, everything happens for a reason. The shortest unemployment in history ended the same day it happened as I received a "part-time with benefits" job. That would at least keep me working until I found another job. When I thought everything around me was crumbling, it was God holding my hand, leading me to the next place I was supposed to be.

Most recently it was God standing by me as I first received the job at the Girl Scouts and a few weeks ago when I re-interviewed and received my first choice job in the new Girl Scout council.

Yeah, everything happens for a reason, now looking forward, I'm very excited about what the future will bring in both my working career and my life. Sometimes it's hard searching for that needle in a haystack, but in the end, the journey is well worth it.

Missing the days of camp...

2009-05-11T12:27:00.003-04:00

Did you ever go to camp as a child? If not I think you missed out on something pretty amazing. I went to camp for a week every summer from about 5th grade to 9th grade (when I got too busy and started working during my summers). It always gave me something to look forward to every summer. So what brought on this reminscing about camp?

Yesterday at church it was "Camping Sunday." They brought in someone from my old camp to tell stories, sing campfire songs, and make s'mores with the kids. See the camp I went to every year was a Christian Camp, called Pathfinder Lodge. It's right outside Cooperstown, NY, and it was amazing. The days we went were interesting in the beginning...plain old log cabins with bunk beds, dirty bathrooms, no showers, but it was ok. It was part of the adventure of camping. If we wanted to shower we had to "Polar Bear" it, which meant getting up at like 6 in the morning and going down to the lake (which was VERY VERY VERY cold) that early in the morning, and we bathed in our bathing suits. By the time I went for my last year of camping, they had showers and were beginning to build new "cabins" which now look like suites. Totally insulated and away from the elements. I should go back and see how many of those have replaced the actual cabins. So during Camping Sunday I started to think about the friends I made and wish I had kept in contact with. I also sang and did the motions to every camping song they sang (it's a wonder how fast it all comes back). The campfires were awesome. Every night you got to gather around a campfire and sing the songs you learned, they told a story and ended the campfire in prayer, before the counselors led you back to the cabins. It was such a wonderful feeling to be surrounded by all these people that felt the same way as you and didn't care who you were. You were all there to have a good time and connect as Christians.

Of course there was swimming and arts and crafts at camp. They often played soccer, volleyball, and took you out on the boats. They had a camp shop to buy items and a snack shop. There was often some free time in the day where you could pretty much do what you wanted, so you'd hang out in the water or go do some arts and crafts. Also during the week they would label a few days, like "Backwords Day". That was my favorite, you dressed backwords, some people walked backwords, and the best part was eating your dessert first (it was backwords day after all!) You even had to sing for your mail during the week. That was pretty embarrasing, but in hindsight, very funny.

You know you think as a kid how great it would be to grow up and be able to do things you can't as a kid. I remember hearing people tell me that you whould enjoy being a kid as long as possible, and I guess I never understood that until looking back on what I've done throughout my life. I was anxious to get my first job at 14, and I did, but I can honestly say I finally realize...they were right. You should enjoy being a kid. You have the rest of your life to be an adult. I'll be working for the rest of my life. For now I love what I'm doing but my little trip down memory lane has taught me to appreciate everything in life. You don't know how much longer you'll be able to do it or hold onto it. Everything in life is precious, don't take it for granted.

It can really be done!!

2009-05-06T10:53:00.002-04:00

Those of you that have ever fought with your weight can probably relate. Sitting in front of the television eating snack after snack, going out to grab fast food because it's easy, drinking soda morning, noon, and night. I used to do all that. Not that I don't feel the urge to splurge once in awhile but I come back to the fact that it's just not worth it.

My mom and I have been members of Weight Watchers for 7 months now. We went in skeptical about if this would even work. We'd both tried our own "diets" and could never make it work. We'd drop a couple pounds here or there but nothing substantial or long-term. Well get this, between the two of us we have lost 81 pounds. That's pretty amazing, right? I think the hardest part was walking through those doors. I had vowed to myself back in September that if I got this job at the Girl Scouts I would go to Weight Watchers and start to take care of myself. I think it was God's way of saying "you're worth it." Before all of this I didn't feel like I was. I wasn't happy in the job I was in, I wasn't happy about working nights all the time, and I was unhappy about the way I looked, so it was time for a change. We went to our first meeting in the beginning of October and have been going every Thursday since. The great thing about Weight Watchers is it's not just a diet where you lose weight and then go off the program food or whatever and put it back on. I hear so much about people going back to their old habits. This is about breaking those habits and creating a new way of life for you. You eat regular foods and you're allowed to have cookies and ice cream, you just have to write it down and use your points for it.

I'm gradually changing my way of living. I don't crave sweets as much and I used to have a Mountain Dew everyday. I've looked at the Mountain Dew now and it has like over 300 calories in a bottle I drank everyday, it's not worth it! I don't eat fast food. I'll go to Subway now and get a sub. I do still go out to dinner occassionally but am a little more aware of what I order there or cut down the portion size. I must be doing something right since I've dropped 39 pounds so far. Weight Watchers sets a goal for you to reach while on the program. Once you reach the goal you become a lifetime Weight Watchers member. I still have another 41 pounds to go, but I'm getting there! It's a week-by-week battle. I now exercise every single morning, and go to the gym on Saturday mornings. I've also gotten into the habit of exercising 3 or 4 nights a week as well. When I have a setback (like the trip to Vegas) I get right back on track the next week. I'm beginning to learn that it's just not worth it to splurge on sweets. I'd much rather be healthy. Exercising makes me feel better and I feel better about myself and buying new clothes (in smaller sizes!!)

So when I hear people complain about slipping back into their old routines or complain about not being able to lose weight, I point out that it can be done. My mom and I are living proof of that. When we both get down to our goal weights, we've decided to write a book describing our accomplishments and the hard work and energy that went into it. We both deserve it, and finally we see that!

Loving it

2009-05-04T12:41:00.002-04:00

I'm finally happy. Happy about almost everything!

The call came in Friday evening. I got my first choice job with the new Girl Scout council. As of June 1 I will be the Media Manager, which focuses more on what I'm interested in then my current job does. Currently I do everything communications related, whether it be press releases, covering events the council holds, writing grants, designing and writing publications, etc. Now I will be communicating with media from throughout the 26 counties our council will serve. I'll be writing press releases, securing coverage for our council events, covering council events, and so on. 60% of the time I will be traveling throughout the council jurisdiction, which I'm really excited about. I like to travel and get out and meet people, so it'll be great to have this opportunity. My homebase will still be in the New Hartford office since I was told you get to choose the office you want to work out of. It's great! The stress from all of this has finally come to an end since I actually know where I'll be a month from now. As it got down to the point where you didn't know where you were going to be in 2 or 3 months, everyone around here was on edge, but as soon as I got the call I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders. This is where I'm supposed to be and I'm excited about this new challenge and this new opportunity. Did I mention I get like a $6,000 raise? Yeah...sweet, right?

The celebrations are coming this weekend! My parents are taking me out to dinner on Saturday to celebrate. I'm hoping to be able to save up for a computer and a car, so I should be able to do that now that I'll be making more. I'm excited. I feel bad though since some of our co-workers aren't moving on...it's hard to be excited for myself but also know that they didn't get positions. It's hard.

I know I said I'm finally happy about almost everything in my life, but my work sometimes is all I have. I don't get to see my friends too much because they're busy working too (have to make a living somehow), and I don't get to see my boyfriend much because he doesn't live around here, but for once in my life it doesn't matter much. I'm happy, and right now...nothing can change that!

One of those days

2009-04-24T09:49:00.003-04:00

Have you ever had one of those days where when you wake up you just know nothings going to go right? It's one of those days where you wonder what the point of even trying is? You just know that you'll screw up whatever you do and have to redo it so you're better off sitting there twiddling your thumbs? Yeah...it's one of those days.

Two pieces of chocolate cake did not agree with me yesterday and I woke up with a pounding headache. However after doing horrible at my weigh in yesterday I knew that I needed to exercise and had convinced myself that I was going to get up and do so, so I did. The running on the treadmill agravated my head and in the shower this morning I was just ready to curl up in the bottom of the shower and let the water hit me. I've done that before when I have an awful headache, and it seems to help. I felt a little better after the shower but I sat in the chair this morning and dozed off for about 10 minutes. I'm lucky I woke up to come to work. I can barely keep my eyes open today. And I can barely look at the computer screen today as my head is just saying "you don't want to do anything, do you?" I'm looking at the clock and am happy that there's only 2 hours left in the day. I hope to go home and exercise again (laughs...riiiiight) and maybe eat lunch (not sure if I'll eat or just curl up on the couch) and then I'll lay down for a nap. I need it today. I have to get up at 4:30 in the morning tomorrow to work at 6, that's an early shift! I don't do that often, and there's a reason for it! The good part is I can actually enjoy the day outside because I'm not working the whole day. I hope to go for a nice long walk since it'll be in the mid to upper 80's! Gonna drag Rich with me to go for a walk. Perfect day for it.

All I need to do right now is shake this headache. I always know that too much chocolate (especially dark chocolate) gives me a headache but I'm a freaking sucker for chocolate so I eat it anyway. You think I'd learn. I always tell myself that you can do without, but it never works that way. I wish I could remember how I feel right now and that would be the biggest incentive to staying away from chocolate. So here I go to kill 2 more hours of time...any suggestions?

Vegas Baby!!

2009-04-23T12:36:00.002-04:00

Coming back from a vacation is always a challenge. At least I seem to think so. Vacations are necessary in order to relax and rejuvinate, but eventually they all must come to an end and you have to get back to the "real world" I guess. This was one of the biggest vacations I have ever taken, and the best and most memorable. I love all my vacations I have been able to take and I carry memories with me forever, but this one was just so huge and one of the most costly. Was it worth it? Hell yeah! So here's my Vegas vacation in a nutshell. If you're thinking about going to Vegas, it comes highly recommended!

We hit the ground running in Vegas. Plane landed around 2 p.m., and with the 3 hour time difference, it was like 5 p.m. our time, which made for a long day since we were in the air at 6:20 that morning. We had to wait awhile for our pre-booked shuttle from the airport to the hotel, but we checked into the hotel around 3:30 p.m. We changed and got ready for an afternoon/night out on the town. We eventually found the bus and paid our $3 to take the bus to the strip (we stayed in a downtown hotel - cheaper and not as noisy at night). Then we went to the Caesars Forum Shops where we wandered around and found the Apple store so Rich could check that out. Then we went to the Fall of Atlantis Show which was very cool. We ate shortly after at the Cheesecake Factory. When we went back outside it was dark, which was great because it made for some great nighttime photos. You know how you see great nighttime photos of Vegas online? Well being there in person is 100 times better! I was like a kid at Christmas. I couldn't stop looking at everything. We wandered around for a bit and made our way to the Flamingo Hotel and Casino. There we found the Wildlife Habitat, which was cool. They had flamingos, different types of fish, ducks, lots of cool areas to wander and explore. After that we decided to do one last thing for the evening and that was to see the Bellagio Fountains. They are absolutely amazing! Nothing beats seeing those. It is totally and completely incredible! Nothing else I have ever seen compares to that.

The next day started out early. I think we weren't completely used to the time change yet, despite not going to bed until 10:30, which was like 1:30 a.m. our time. We got up at 6:30 a.m., took showers and went for our free breakfast at the hotel. Then it was time to explore again. The weather was calling for Temps in the 90s so it was time to lather up with sunscreen, grabbed our cameras, and out the door. This time we bought the 24-hour bus pas for $7, well worth it, let me tell you, you don't want to walk the entire time! We headed to the furthest end of the strip away from our hotel and got off at the Luxor Hotel. That's an amazing hotel to see from the outside. It's lined with egyptian items. We continued our way down, checking out the Excalibur Hotel and the New York New York Hotel. We then made our way to the MGM Grand, where there is a lion habitat. The lions were cool to see. The next stop was a must, the M&M World! 4 stories of M&M Goodness! Needless to say I bought some stuff from there and brought home stuff for the family (we actually went twice to the M&M World! - It was THAT good!) Following that we were both getting kind of tired and very hot, so we decided to stop at our final place for the day and that was the Secret Garden and Dolphin Habitat at the Mirage Hotel. This was what I was most excited about while visiting. I collect dolphin items so it was off we went to that. $15 to get in, but while worth it! I watched the dolphins play and swim for probably a good 45 minutes and got tons of pictures! Then we headed into the Secret Garden place. They took our pictures, which we later bought. They had lions, llamas, ducks, tigers, tons of cool animals in the secret garden. Most were trying to seek shade because they were hot. On the way out we stopped in the gift shop and I got a stuffed dolphin and a souvenir to go in my collection. Once we made it back to the hotel we immediately threw on our bathing suits and headed to the pool. Great day to lay out by the pool and cool down. We then showered and had dinner in the hotel before heading back out to go to our big show, Penn & Teller! It was a good show, funny, and Rich got their autographs so I think he was excited about that. That had to be his favorite part of the trip for sure.

For Monday, our last full day there, we began our day a little later, about 9:30 a.m., got used to the time change just in time to go back home the next day. We ate our free breakfast again and bought our 24-hour pass again. We started off at a huge gift shop and bought sovenirs for the family and friends. Then we visited Circus Circus Hotel. By about 11 in the morning it was already around 95 degrees so we were very hot. We climbed on the bus and I got off at the Fashion Show Mall while Rich headed to a ham radio shop out there. I promptly got a cold Starbucks drink and made my way to the Caesars Forum Shops where I sat in the air conditioning for awhile just people watching. Then I finally decided I was hot and miserable so I headed back to the hotel and told Rich I'd meet him there. I took a nice nap :) He didn't get back until around 3 so we relaxed for a bit before heading back out and going to dinner at Outback Steakhouse. We then made our way back down the strip to the Venetian, which is cool with the gondola rides and the Mirage, which starting at 8 p.m. every hour has a volcano show where a real volcano eruptes. That was amazing as well! After that it was time to head back to the hotel. We dropped off our purchases and changed before heading down to right below our hotel for the Fremont Street Experience. Cool lights, shows, and tons of people were down there. We hung out for awhile before heading back up to pack up our stuff. We were in bed around 11 p.m. and up at 2:30 a.m. We had to catch our shuttle to the airport at 3:30 a.m. We were sitting at our gate by 4:30 and our flight took off at 6:30. We were home safe and sound at 4 p.m. (our time)

We squeezed so much into those three days that if you go it is recommended to take a week to do everything. We hope to go back as we didn't do everything we had wanted to. Wish I had more time to do some gambling. It's always nice to be home, but vacations are necessary to stay sane with working ALL the time! Highly recommended with 5 stars!!

Dreary Monday

2009-04-06T08:06:00.002-04:00

I hate days like this. It's a day you just want to be curled up in bed with the one you love watching TV or movies all day. I hate it especially on a Monday because it's hard enough getting up to go back to work, and the rain just makes me want to go crawl back under my covers. It's supposed to be a nasty week here, rain today, snow tomorrow and Wednesday, but Thursday there is supposed to be sunshine, which would be good. No walking this week I guess, unless by some miracle the forecast changes.

This is another week closer to the trip to Vegas. Can't wait, especially when it's nasty like this, it's in the 70's in Vegas, and we're stuck in the 30's and 40's so yeah as you can imagine, I can't wait! Only 12 days left, two weeks essentially and to say I'm excited is an understatement. I think I'm not even most excited about seeing Vegas. I'm most excited about going with Rich. We don't get to see each other much. Although after the trip things will go back the way they were which doesn't make me entirely happy but I don't know what else to do about that. I just wish it were easier and I didn't get as emotional as I do about it, but it is who I am and when I'm upset, you know. Not something easy for me to hide.

Ok, well no point in getting upset about it now, 12 days until Vegas! After the trip (which I'm sure will go WAY too fast) then I can go back to being upset about the way things are *shrugs* it is what it is I keep telling myself.

Busy day at work today so guess I should get going on work stuff.

Children's Miracle Network

2009-03-27T09:22:00.003-04:00

Have you ever known a family who has a sick child? What about a family that has to travel to get care for that sick child? An hour of travel time could mean the difference between life and death. That's one of the many reasons I support the Children's Miracle Network.

Yesterday and today there has been a CMN radioathon on Lite, and it really is one of my favorite times of the year. The stories they put to music are heartbreaking. Can you imagine a doctor or nurse telling you they don't know if you're child is going to live? They live because of the community's support of Children's Miracle Network. I encourage everyone to support their local children's miracle network. Even if you don't have children or grandchildren in the area, someone else somewhere else is supporting the Children's Miracle Network where your child or grandchild lives and making sure they get care if they ever need it, so you can do the same for children locally. It could mean the difference between life and death for a child. Or imagine a child born 8 weeks early weighing just 2 pounds, your donation could help that child grow and have a chance to see the world.

Just a little bit can go a long way! So I encourage you to support the local Children's Miracle Network!

25 days until the trip of a lifetime!!

2009-03-24T09:32:00.003-04:00

Ok so maybe it's not that great, but I need a vacation so I'll take anything I can get right now. 25 days seems like forever, but in reality it'll be here before I know it. I can't believe March will be over next week. Where did February and March go? It's flown by. So yes Las Vegas is only 25 days away. I'm looking forward to the visit, the sightseeing, spending time with my boyfriend (that probably tops it all) and even the flight. I'm getting excited just thinking about it. I'm not a flyer. I don't like heights or flying, but it's exciting!! Just to get away from here, if nothing else.

I'm kind of funny when it comes to vacations. I'm a planner (just ask my boyfriend) I'm crazy when it comes to planning things. I've already started a list of things I need to pack and started a list of things we need to do while out there and started to break it down by days. I'm just so excited about everything! I can't wait.

So I'm sure I will occassionaly update you as the time comes closer.

I lost another 2 pounds last week, so up to 32.6 pounds. Some people can't believe I've lost that much...others mention it and say I inspire them, while that's good, but to do it you really have to want to do it. I'm hoping by my Vegas trip I'm close to 40 pounds...see I take it week by week, or set short-term goals that are reachable, you can't think of everything you have to lose because then you'll just get frustrated. If I thought at the beginning that I needed to lose 80 pounds (which is what I wanted to lose) then it would just seem so far off, and not reachable. I've also run into people who tell me to keep the clothes I grow out of. My question is why? So many people say they want to have fat clothes and skinny clothes. I don't want to give myself any reason to go back up to that weight. I feel better about myself. It's getting easier for me, and I love the compliments I get from people. I said no to chocolate cake last week, and the cupcakes here at work don't look good to me this week, so it's getting easier. I even tried on a dress, YES A DRESS! I don't do dresses, but it didn't look awful on me. I might actually buy a dress at somepoint! I'm loving it! So I'm doing well. Between my mom and me we've lost a total of 66 pounds! Can you believe it? We're doing great! :)

But the bottom line is, I need my vacation! LOL

Cookies, Cake, Candy

2009-03-13T11:25:00.002-04:00

It's everywhere! You can't escape it! It chases you down and makes you eat it!

Ok maybe it's not that bad, but as a person who loves sweets, it is awfully hard to say no to all the temptations around. That's why I wonder if when I get down to my goal weight (only 48 pounds to go!) I will be able to stay there. They say it takes about a year to completely change your eating habits. My problem is...if it's there, I eat it. Had halfmoons this week, a canoli, two slices of cake...I'm a sucker. I have to get back on track for next week. I'm really trying, but it is SOOOOO hard lately. People also talk about emotional eating, and I Can see that. If you're stressed, you eat, if you're sad, you eat, if you're tired, you eat...I think that's how I got where I did because I am an emotional eater. It's time to shake that habit. Sweets make me feel better for some reason. Maybe if I could eliminate some of these bad emotions I'm having it would help too. That's hard to do though. Stress is an inevitable for me, sadness is too right now unfortunately, tiredness I've gotten used to going to bed if I'm tired...not going to grab an ice cream or something.

I've been proud of my 30 pound loss so far, so I can't slip up now. After all that hard work I'm moving forward. I will reach my goal (hopefully) by the end of this year! It'll be hard, but I can't live like I used to. I wasn't happy with myself. I'm feeling better and loving it. Now if only some other things in my life would change for the better, it would be a wonderful feeling!

Stress rears its ugly head

2009-03-12T12:25:00.004-04:00

I guess the title pretty much says it all. I have been beyond stressed lately. So much to do at work, never getting to hang out with my friends, hardly ever seeing my boyfriend all adds up to one stressed woman.

I went to the doctors last week. It was just a physical, but I had them look at my wrist since I sprained that about 3 weeks ago. I also mentioned to them that I have been getting chest pains. Chest pains are usually not good...so I have a stress test set for next week. I really don't think it's heart related, which is what a stress test looks for. I'm young and relatively healthy, so I think it's all in conjunction with the stress I've been under lately. I also exercise on a daily basis now and think that may have started it too. I used to get panic attacks when I was really stressed or really upset, but that seemed to stop after I left the job I had at that time. I hope those aren't starting up again. These don't feel like panic attacks, just chest pains. So we'll just have to wait and see what happens with the stress test I guess.

As I mentioned, work is beyond hectic. Every time I think I'm getting caught up more things come to me and people want them ASAP and it's hard to prioritize. I'm good on deadlines and I do things that need to be done, but when it's all at once I have to do the ones that are most pressing first. We are working on two publications at once now and I think that's causing a lot of the stress too. One of them is almost done, but everything seems to be neverending. I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel though as my vacation is (hopefully) going to be set for April soon. I need time away from everything!

So I hope you like the new look of my blog and the new title! I will be checking in again soon!

Do I have a life?

2009-02-26T08:36:00.003-05:00

That question runs through my head at least once a week. What do I do on a daily basis? I get up, exercise, go to work, go home, sit and watch TV, and then go to bed. What do I do on the weekends? Get up, exercise, go to work, go home and usually watch TV or play on my computer, and then go to bed. Notice a difference? I don't.

I started working when I was 15 years old. Not a glamourous job of course, but part-time hours. I haven't had a break in school or work for the 10 years I have been doing it. I know I'm only 24 and have a whole lot more work in front of me, but I'm young and vibrant and should be out having more fun. There are the occasional days I go out to lunch with a friend. But my friends work too and our schedules are so hard to coordinate. I guess I should be counting my blessings now, with the economy the way it is, that I even still have a job. There would be thousands of people in line to take my job. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. Or jobs I should say. It's just that I look at myself and I never really got to have fun. There was hanging out with friends in high school and college, but it was never much. Well they were partying on a Friday night, I was in bed because I had to get up at 4:30 in the morning to work at 6 or had to pull an overnight shift at the radio station. I feel kinda jipped out of some of the fun that young adults are supposed to have. I was always the responsible one that wouldn't go out and party. I never really wanted to. It doesn't appeal to me to go get drunk for no reason and then feel awful the next day. Who would want that? But at the same time, I feel like I should have at least gone out.

I never had a boyfriend in high school, pretty much because I was so shy. The guy friends I had were just that, guy friends, and most I had known since I was little. The guys I liked I would have never thought about talking to. It was always just me and my circle of friends. Not a lot of friends, but we were happy and we went out occassionally, but in the end I always had to work.

So what's bringing on this thought? I'm thinking about how in 3 years we will have our 10 year reunion from high school. Can you believe it? 10 years! I'm interested to see where everyone is and what everyone is doing. I've kept in touch with many people via Myspace and Facebook. I wonder if they're doing what they want to with their lives? I am...I really am. I worked my ass off in college to graduate and loved college! Made some amazing friends in college. The entire time though I of course had to work, and I worked my ass off there too. Going from the radio station to the newspaper and radio station, to the radio station, and now to the Girl Scouts and the radio station. I admit I'm extremely lucky to be in a field I graduated in. Nowadays that is rare if not impossible.

Am I happy? Yeah...could I be more happy? I think so. The work part of my life is amazing right now. Doing what I love in both of my jobs. I have worked my way up to this position. My life is far from complete though. There are areas that just seem to be missing, one of those is my friends. Sometimes you just need to hang out, destress and relax a little. I just wish it were that easy...

Valentine's Day is on the horizon

2009-02-05T12:23:00.002-05:00

So Valentine's Day is only a little over a week away. Are you dreading it because your'e single, or are you hoping you're man will finally say those three words that every girl loves to hear? I came across some articles that I think are great and wanted to share. Maybe they'll help you gain a little perspective or insight into your guy, or help you get over those single blues this time of year. Check it out.

18 Reasons to Love Being Single

Dateless on Valentine's Day? There's no reason to gag yourself with a box of chocolates. In case you need a reminder, here are several reasons why being unattached totally rocks.

1. You'll never waste a Saturday at a car show.

2. When it comes to movies such as Scarface, Star Wars, and Band of Brothers, ignorance really is bliss.

3. You have total freedom to adopt an adorable stray kitten and name it Fluffkins.

4. Power anthems like Beyonce's "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)" are more fun when you really mean the lyrics.

5. It's totally fine to give the cute bartender/waiter/barista a napkin with your phone number and the message "call me!"

6. No one will ask you to don a jersey and root for a sports team that doesn't have a shot in hell of winning a game this season.

7. You don't need to ask permission to gon on a last-minute trip to Vegas with your girlfriends - or anywhere, for that matter.

8. Both sides of the bed belong to you.

9. You can devote hours to primping before a big night out - complete with a blow-out and manicure - without some dude constantly asking when you'll be ready.

10. Although you don't have a BF, you do have a collection of crushes, a.k.a The Bagel Guy, Running Man, Sexy Irish Bartender, and Mr. Good Hair.

11. When you aren't part of a duo, it's much easier to find the time to pursue your own interests, like training for a marathon or writing a screenplay.

12. The City and Gossip Girl are even more enjoyable when you don't have to flip to SportsCenter during the commercial break.

13. There's no need to stress about impressing a guy's mother, sister, boss, or any other VIP in his life.

14. With more time to work out and less temptation to chow down on guy-friendly junk food, you're more likely to squeeze into the skinniest of skinny jeans.

15. TiVo understands you - not someone with an addiction to Family Guy.

16. Without a guy on your arm, it's much easier to get into clubs without paying a cover charge. Not to mention scoring free drinks.

17. No one is keeping track of how much money you spend on shoes.

18. You never know who you'll have sex with next.

The Single Girl's Valentine's Day

Who says V-day is for couples? Defy Cupid by indulging in these sassy solo pursuits, inspired by e-mails from other single girls!

Just because you're single doesn't mean you're alone! Round up some unattached chicks and hit the bars, a restaurant, the local karaoke joint, the bowling lanes, whatever. Revel in your ability to have an amazing time, no men needed. - Katriona, 30

Whether it's George Clooney or Johnny Depp, spend the night with your ultimate celeb crush. Rent a handful of his movies and treat yourself to an eye-candy marathon. - Jillian, 22

Organize a Secret Admirers gifting sesh, a la Secret Santa: You and a group of friends draw names and then deliver items like chocolate, flowers, and teddy bears to each other. That way everyone can have a Valentine... - Mary, 23

Since you aren't spending your dough on some dude, might as well spend it on yourself. Give yourself some credit for how amazing you are and treat yourself to something special like a mani-pedi, a new necklance, or a blow-out at the salon. - Aubrey, 27

Ask a guy friend out for a platonic date and split a meat at a tasty restaurant. Make a game out of your dinner discussion by looking around the restaurant at all the couples (there will be a ton!) and guessing which ones will actually last, based on their body language. - Karen, 24

Be a rebel and convince your co-worker bestie to play hookie with you. Instead of sitting in meetings or watching other chicks get flowers delivered to their cubes, you and your pal can go shopping, take a day trip somewhere fun (like skiing!), or catch a new flick like Confessions of a Shopaholic or Bride Wars, sans the crowded theater. - Julie, 25

Party at your place! Invited friends over for wine, appetizers, gossiping, and good times. To mix it up, make it a theme party, like suggesting everyone wear all pink (or black, if you caught the "Singles Awareness Day" bug) and create an iPod playlist with songs like "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" and "Holding Out for a Hero." - Lauren, 21

What Makes Men Fall in Love

There's into you, and then there's head-over-heels gaga. These little things tip a man over that edge.

It's a baffling question: Is there some specific moment or event that makes a guy suddenly decide "Yes, I think I love her"? Well, the answer isn't clear-cut, but there are some general principles. "Men have certain innate needs that must be met before they truly feel connected to you," says Paul Dobransky, MD, author of The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love. "When a guy realizes, consciously or not, that you're ideal on all these levels, that's when he'll commit."

Boiled down, guys have four primal relationship desires that are sometiems sated by the tiniest of moves by you. Here, experts explain with examples so you can put these insights to use when your guy is at the brink.

The Desire: To Protect

Believe it or not, the so-called stoic sex is hardwired to nurture. Sheltering you from harm makes him feel studly, which makes him feel good. "Not that you should act helpless, but letting him see your vulnerable side will bring him closer because it unlocks his instincts to take care of you," says David Givens, PhD, author of Love Signals. So give him chances to take charge, and thank him after he does. When a guy associates you with feeling like Superman, of course he'll want to couple up. These little things can draw out his hero side.

Give him a job. Ask him to fix or build you something. Performing concrete tasks is a way of bonding that enhances his sense of success.

Ask his opinion. Whether it's about your 401(k) options or the best travel sites, it telegraphs that you value his brain as much as you do his brawn.

Wear soft materials. Delicate textures like rayon, silk, and fur trigger an intense response in men. These fabrics accentuate your softer, feminine nature, which heightens his amorous instincts.

Don his clothes. It shows that you've chosen him over other guys - sexy.

The Desire: Freedom

Even emotionally healthy men want assurance that their identities will stay put after they've become half a happy couple. "By making it clear that you don't expect your guy to change, he'll feel like you truly understand him but don't threaten his sense of self," says Dan Neuharth, PhD, author of Secrets You Keep from Yourself. "That leaves him feeling on sturdy enough ground to commit." The following moves let him know you're no ball and chain.

Blow him off. Men hate the idea of being tied down socially, so turn down occasional plans. He'll not only feel easier - and open up more - around you, but he'll also start to wonder what you're doing and pursue you more.

Share your own fears. Guys often hold back because they think most chicks are baby-hungry ring-hunters. So if you feel nervous about committing, let him know. He'll be reassured that you're navigating new waters too, not trying to trap him.

Reinvent yourself. Little changes in your appearance now and then - say, hair up in a ponytail one day, down the next, etc. - remind him that you've got zillions of facets to your personality too. Read: no rut risks.

Respect his privacy. A physical space that's totally his is a huge symbol of independence to a man. Signal that you respect that by, say, staying out of desk drawers and not peeking at his caller ID when his phone rings.

The Desire: To Shine

Maybe he's cocky, but he's still insecure. Trust us, guys need to know that they're respected and appreciated. "When being around you increases a guy's esteem, both internally and in the eyes of others, he'll naturally want to be attached to you," says Dr. Dobransky. Here, things that show your high value and nudge him toward love.

Make him happier. Laugh when one of you loses balance during sex. Go to stupid movies. Drag him out when he's crabby. If you can keep things light, even during stressful times, you'll become indispensable.

Be a social butterfly. Guys are good at left-brain stuff, like sales and sports, but can get awkward when it comes to social graces. Take the lead and charm the people you meet and he'll be extra grateful to have you. But he may take credit for making those new friends...whatever.

Play mind games. Activities that require mental prowess - like Scrabble, puzzles, and chess - can prod his passion. It sounds nuts, but proof of your problem-solving abilities subconsciously shows him you're a desirable choice for carrying on his genes.

Act like the grand prize. Seeing you through other people's eyes reminds him how special you are. Invite him to an event where you'll excel (whether it's karaoke or a fun run), or have him stand between you and another man you think is getting too close at a bar.

The Desire: Comfort

"Falling in love is a process of developing attachment, which happens when oxytocin floods the brain," says Alan Hirsch, MD, neurological director of the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation. You can unleash those love hormones by making him feel like you two just "fit." When he's so comfortable with you that he stops thinking about your relationship and simply enjoys it, he'll find himself nudged into love territory. Take these tips.

Let him see you primp. Grooming in front of him enhances intimacy because it's something other guys don't get to witness. Just keep it goddesslike (applying lipstick or powder), not gross (bleaching your moustache).

Cook together. Bring around food spikes oxytocin levels in males. The more often you prep dinner a deux, the more he'll associate you with the good feelings he gets from eating it.

Stock your pad. When buying groceries you don't have a preference on, get a brand he uses. He'll subconsciously feel at home at your place. Sleep with him. Catnap near him or let yourself doze off in his arms so he sees you in your most trusting, completely relaxed state.

What Yanks Him Back from the Brink

Some factors can derail a guy who's about to fall.

1) They Get a New Opportunity. A promotion often means spending more hours at work or taking a schedule-chewing class. Instead of balancing that with their love lives, guys tend to prioritize their careers and believe that a solid relationship will endure the delay. So if something big is brewing, he may hold himself back.

You Never Fight. Sure, guys hate arguing, but it's worse if you don't react negatively at all when he's screwed up. A guy will worry that (a) you're doing to lash out later, (b) you're a doormat, or (c) you're not into him enough to care. Any of these will make him rethink your budding relationship.

Pure Panic. Many men worry that if they commit, they'll have to give something up - friends, dart night, something. So when a guy realizes he's fallen for you, he may freak out and pull away for a while. If you can weather his big-baby behavior without reacting in a way that confirms those fears, he should snap out of it.

Tired

2009-02-04T10:20:00.002-05:00

Have you ever been tired? Not normal tired, but tired tired. The kind of tired that makes you forget what you were doing from one minute to the next? The kind of tired that makes you a little more irritable and snap at people if they rub you the wrong way? The kind of tired that although you're sitting with your eyes open, you're really not hearing a thing around you? The kind of tired where everything you say will be taken the wrong way because of the tone of your voice, or the implications behind it? The kind of tired where you just want to be left alone?

That's me today. I'm tired. When I get this way I wonder if anything will get done. I sit in my little area hoping beyond hope that noone comes over to bother me today. I've already been taken the wrong way. I stare at the computer screen just hoping something will jump out at me and wake me up. I'm careful what I say or how I say it because I KNOW that it will be taken wrong. I just know. I even sit here wondering what to say. It's one of those days. *sigh* Just one of those days.

Dating Guide: 40 Things You Can Learn About a Guy in 10 Minutes

2009-01-28T13:41:00.003-05:00

I found this article online today and sometimes an article just kinda jumps out at me. So if you're new in a relationship or just want to find out some things, take a look at the below article...hopefully it'll halp ya.

Dating Guide: 40 Things You Can Learn About a Guy in 10 Minutes

By: Stephanie Booth for Cosmopolitan

If you're curious about the new dude in your life but know better than to grill him with 20 questions, you're gonna love our sneaky read-him tips.

You don't have to date a guy for six months to get the lowdown on who he really is. With the right clues, you can size him up in 10 minutes. "A man's actions - especially the ones you see in unguarded moments when he's not going out of his way to try to impress you (or doesn't realize you're watching) - can speak volumes about his character and personality traits," says Rita Benasutti, PhD, a psychotherapist who specializes in couples' issues. To help you decode a guy you've just started seeing, Cosmo called on a team of experts to tell you how to assess his actions and tap into his boyfriend potential, pronto.

His Favorite Sport

"Solo sportsment, like runners and swimmers, 1 savor their independence and relish spending a lot of time alone," says relationship-skills coach Steve Nakamoto, author of "Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs to Know About Catching a Man." Men who are fans of mainstream team sports, like football, basketball, and baseball, 2 tend to be competitive - on the field and in all aspects of their life - and they like to hang with their entourage. As for the guy who's just not into sports at all, 3 "he's an independent thinker, usually on the sensitive side."

How Long He's Been Hanging With His Friends

A guy who has been friends with the same posse since he was 10 years old can certainly claim 4 loyalty as one of his strong suits. But "you better like what you see, because he's probably not great with change," says dating coach Liz H. Kelly, author of "Smart Man Hunting." "And be patient, because it will take awhile for you to win his trust." If your date has buddies from all areas of his life - i.e., college, the gym, work - don't be afraid to drag him to your cousin's wedding. 5 "He has no problem schmoozing strangers and adapts to new situations easily."

Credit vs. Cash

A guy who likes to flash his plastic 6 craves status. "He may be ambitious and confident. He'll reach his financial goals," says Rob Ronin, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and registered financial consultant. "If he always pays in cash, 7 he's self-sufficient and independent," which might make him a difficult due to corner. And if his wallet is dry? 8 Here's a guy who's dependent on others to take care of him.

His Bad Habits

Gambling men 9 are risk-takers, which can make them a lot of fun. "But their over-the-top optimism that they'll come out ahead makes it difficult for them to face reality," says Mitchell Parks, MD, assistant professor of psychiatry at Vanderbilt University, in Nashville. "Hard-core smokers 10 tend to be anxious," says Dr. Parks, so it can be hard to pin them down for couple-time. And if he's a boozer, 11 he could be hiding his insecurity behind his buzz.

His Communication Style

When your date opts to e-mail you - rather than call - 12 he could be a hard nut to crack. "The fact that he chooses a communication method that allows him to edit what he says signals that he might not want to show his true self," says Jeff Bryson, PhD, professor of psychology at San Diego State University. An IM addict 13 craves your nonstop attention and needs that instant assurance that you're there for him. And the phone fan? 14 He might be a little old-fashioned and likes to do things by the book. But, according to Bryson, "he's not afraid of intimacy."

The Clothes You Wear That He Prefers

If your fave T-shirt and jeans or a cute little sundress do more for him than your slinky black number, 15 you're dating an earthy, laid-back guy who likes equally laid-back, low-maintenance chicks. A man who's wowed by a woman who likes to get dolled up in high-end designer duds 16 places a high priority on prestige. "He'll probably make a lot of money, but it also might play too important a role in his life," says Los Angeles clinical psychologist Nancy Irwin, PsyD. And a guy who wants a Carmen Electra-sensual girl on his arm 17 is looking for an ego boost. "He places a lot of value on being admired and envied."

How He Deals With Traffic

If he constantly weaves in and out of cars, tailgates slowpokes, and glares at other drivers, 18 "it's pretty clear that he has a problem with aggression," says Leon James, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Hawaii and author of "Road Rage and Aggressive Driving." While a forceful personality might take him far in the workplace, it could be difficult to deal with this argumentative guy in a relationship. If he's able to exude Zen-like calm when stuck in gridlock, 19 "he's likely to have more self-control."

What He Orders in a Restaurant

A meat-and-potatoes type guy 20 is usually steady and dependable, says image coach Dianne Daniels, author of "Polish and Presence: 31 Days to a New Image." "But he's also a little unadventurous." If your date goes for exotic dishes, 21 "you're with someone who makes spontaneity a priority and could easily get bored with the status quo."

Neat Freak for Messy Man

A guy who puts his dirty socks in the hamber is one thing; a guy who color-codes them in his drawer is something else. 22 "This man is way too fastidious to have fun," explains Daniels, "and he'll expect you to be just as neat." A mildly messy man 23 is looser and more open-minded. But if the inside of his shower has never seen a scrub brush, 24 he may be immature or just plain lazy.

Favorite TV Shows

Take note if he parks himself in front of one sitcom after another. 25 "Here's a guy who uses humor to defuse stress," says TV producer Hedda Muskat, author of "Dating Confidential: A Single's Guid to a Fun, Flirtatious and Possibly Meaningful Social Life." This can be a good thing, because he won't hold a grudge against you or lose his cool. But it also might be hard to get into a serious conversation with him, which can be frustrating. "The more you try to discuss something important, the more evasive he will become," says Muskat. A couch sleuth who's fascinated by CSI-type shows, on the other hand, 26 is analytical and thoughtful. "He prides himself on his problem-solving abilities and will be there for you when you need support," says Muskat.

His Birth Order

"The oldest child 27 is usually a responsible, take-charge kind of guy," says Nancy Fagan, author of "Desirable Men." If your babe is the baby of his brood, 28 "he's likely to be creative and a little rebellious." As for a middle man: 29 "He's a sensitive soul who needs loads of attention."

How He Approaches PDAs

When you're out in public and he's all over you like a rash, 30 "he's either trying to show you off or marking his territory, both of which are signs of insecurity," says Nakamoto. A guy who's allergic to body contact in public is 31 unsure about his feelings for you or your feelings for him. "PDAs are statements of togetherness," says Nakamoto. "If he has doubts, he'll keep his distance physically."

Whether He Always Drives or Wants You To

"A guy who doesn't automatically assume driving rights 32 is likely to let you steer the relationship at least some of the time," says Kelly. A man who hogs the wheel - even in your car - 33 is sweetly old-fashioned at best and, at worst, could be a control freak.

The Guy's Grooming MO

A guy who checks out his reflection in every store window you pass is obviously vain. But, interestingly, 34 it's also a sign of a dude who's intent on succeeding. "Presentation is everything to this kind of man," says Sheenah Hankin, PhD, author of "Complete Confidence." "He sees it as a measure of his self respect and success." 35 The low-key, less conceited guy might be less ambitious, "but he's easier to connect with emotionally because he's not as superficial," says Hankin. "What counts on the inside matters more to him."

If He Looks You in the Eye

"A man who doesn't make eye contact during conversation 36 may not be trustworthy," says speech coach Diane DiResta, author of "Knockout Presentations." "Meanwhile, if his eyes bore into yours as he's talking, 37 he might be trying to intimidate you." But a smoldering gaze - you know what that looks like - 38 means he's immensely fond of you.

His Speaking Style

If your man moves his mouth a mile a minute 39 you're with a spontaneous, high-energy guy who may be a little too self-absorbed. "Fast talkers get so wrapped up in making a good impression that they don't pay attention to their audience," says DiResta. Slow talkers 40 typically play it safe. "The way they deliberate every word before it comes out of their mouth is indicative of how they approach life: They look before they leap." So although you shouldn't expect a lot of surprises, at least you'll know he means what he says.

Things You'll Only Learn With Time

Your speedy profiling skills won't reveal these tidbits from psychotherapist Katherine Woodward Thomas, author of "Calling in 'The One'".

How loyal he'll be: Wait and see if you're shown the same allegiance as his buds are.

If he's a man of his word: Will he really keep those promises he made to you early on?

His little quirks: Time reveals the small details that really make a person tick.

If his parent's split haunts him: His broken home may have issued him some big-time emotional baggage.

Easier said than done

2009-01-26T13:38:00.002-05:00

I've struggled with weight my entire life. Well my sisters had no problem eating fast food everyday and downing soda, every time I did, it showed. That's not to say I didn't eat fast food and all the chocolate I wanted, and not to mention the soda I drank. I take after my mom. I blame a lot of it on my jobs I had. I was stressed and I was upset and not happy with life, and therefore I ate. It always makes you feel better to eat, right? So I made a vow to myself. If I got this job (the one at the Girl Scouts) I would join Weight Watchers and start getting my act together. I got the job and less than a month later, my mom and I joined Weight Watchers. I'm still doing well, but I've been slipping lately with my eating, so I started tracking everything I'm eating again.

It's been 3 months and I've lost 21 pounds well my mom's lost 25 pounds, and we're still going. Last week was a bad week for me...you see my problem is I like food too much, especially sweets. My mom can't have chocolate and isn't a huge sweet eater, she just overate on things, so it's not as hard for her. If there's something in the house, I want it. I'm working on that. I compare it with quitting smoking. Not that I ever smoked, but you have to change your habits...completely. And you can't go back or it'll shoot back up again.

I've made a commitment to myself from this point forward. I'm tracking what I'm eating, I'm cutting back what I'm eating and going cold turkey (no more sweets for me!), and I'm going to start exercising twice a day, with an occassional break here or there so I don't kill myself by exercising everyday. I'm bound and determined that it's going to work. I'm happy with my job, happy with my family, happy with my friends, now it's time to take care of me so I become happy with myself. It will work and I will continue my quest towards my goal weight (only 59 pounds to go!)

Is there something in the air?

2009-01-14T13:38:00.003-05:00

I don't know if it's happening to you, but it seems that everyone I know is breaking up. Couples that seemed perfectly happy together are no more. And it's people that have been together for many years. I started wondering if it's the economic troubles that are playing a role. Maybe people realize they would never be able to support a couple and it's over *snaps fingers* just like that.

It got me thinking the other day how lucky I am. Lucky to have found someone who seems to really love me. He does everything in his power to make me happy. I can be very hard on him sometimes, although sometimes I think it's allowed because he doesn't always take my feelings into account. It's not easy being so far away all the time, but we've made it work for almost 3 years now. It's also not easy dating someone who has children. I've never ventured into that world before. He wants me to be the "mother-figure" in his daughters life. I want to be her friend. Someone she can trust as she gets older and feel that she can talk to about anything. I know it also comes with "mother-like responsibilities" but I don't want to take on that role. Well it's not really that I don't want to...it's more like I don't think it's fair to her mom.

I often think about my future. With realignment coming up June 1 and having to apply for a job again, interview and *cross my fingers* get a job within the new council, I can't help but think about my future. I wish I had money to move out of my parents house. There's so many things I still want to do with my life and so many more career paths I want to follow. God has a plan for everyone and wherever I end up is where I'm supposed to be.

You never know what is going to happen with your life but with so many people I know suddenly breaking up, it's a time to reflect at where I am at the moment. I have a job, I have a family that loves me and helps me with whatever I need, I have an amazing boyfriend who is loving and supportive, I have a place to live. It may not be an extremely glamourous life since my life basically revolves around work, but it's my life, and it's a life I love.

So where will I be next year? I don't know...but half the fun is finding out.

Valentine's Day is coming up...

2009-01-06T16:43:00.002-05:00

So the stores have started to pack Valentine's Day items in place of the Christmas ones which are now marked at 70% off. As soon as the Christmas ones go, hearts, candy, and red and pink is all you see down the aisles of the stores. I follow the crowd in buying a little bit of candy and of course Valentine's Day cards for my family and friends. The hype over the holiday however, makes my stomach churn, and not in a good way.

Flowers, candy, cards...it's all merchandise. Love...now that is all that should matter. Valentine's Day is definitely a retailers holiday, made up by candy and flower companies and Hallmark.

I've never been a fan of Valentine's Day. A lot of it has to do with the fact that for most of my life I never had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day, so it made me kind of sad in some way because it was like you were supposed to have someone to call your Valentine. Even though my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years now, I still haven't spent a Valentine's Day with him, because it was during the week and neither of us could do that. This year it's on a Saturday and we're falling into the cliche world of Valentine's Day because I want to spend it with him.

Why spend one day a year showing someone how much you love them? Why does there have to be a special day for it? After being in a long-term relationship I think I appreciate Valentine's Day a little more. The romance in a relationship dies down as time goes on. There just doesn't seem to be enough time from either of us to make time for romance. I think we made an effort in the beginning but as you become more comfortable with each other it doesn't seem as big of a deal to make time for that.

So although I think Valentine's Day is a commercial holiday meant to raise money following the after-Christmas buying season, I am planning on participating this year because I think we need to spend some romantic time together.

I have an article here that came from the U.S. Census Bureau, infoplease.com, New York Daily News, Hallmark research, Retail Industry Leaders Association that I think is kinda neat, so I'm gonna share it with you:

A number of reasons to love Valentine's Day

From candy and flowers to jewelry and greetings cards, love is in the air on Valentine's Day. Check out these numbers to find out some sweet details about Feb. 14.

14: Date in February about 270 A.D. when St. Valentine, a Roman clergyman was executed for secretly marrying couples. Some say that's why our Valentine's Day is celebrated on Feb. 14.

1,198: Number of locations that sell chocolate and cocoa products in the United States.

53: Percent of men who have Googled, MySpaced, Facebooked or done other online research about a potential date or significant other. Percentage of women who have done online research? 54.

180 million: Number of cards exchanged annually on Valentine's Day (exclusing packaged kids' cards).

21,135: Number of florists in the United States.

44: Percent of couples who celebrate Valentine's Day by going out on a date.

54: Percent of women who have lied to get out of a bad date.

81: Percent of men who have mementos from their exes.

26: Pounds of candy consumed by Americans, per capita.

Time has passed but the hurt and sadness hasn't

2008-12-17T13:31:00.002-05:00

It's been almost a year...

Almost a year since I lost one of my best friends. As we approach the holiday season she has been on my mind more and more. I don't remember a holiday when she wasn't there laying at our feet as we unwrapped presents or trying to eat the wrapping paper. I was so excited about shopping for her last year and the gift I got her was only good for a month or so. I wish I had known at the last holiday that she wouldn't be around for this one. Then we could've done something special.

I know she's at a better place. I saw her that last morning before I went to work. I gave her a hug and kiss and deep down knew I would never see her again. I cried for days. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, all I could do was think about her. She's done so much for us and we could do nothing for her. It seemed so unfair. What did she do to deserve this?

Throughout every major event this past year I still thought about her. We share memories and think about the good times we had. The first time we set our eyes on her at camp. She was just a puppy. Too shy to even come near us at first.

Sometimes I walk into the living room and feel sad that she's not on the couch cuddling with the blankets or she doesn't meet me at the door anymore. She's in a better place. I try to believe it, I really do. But I can't stop thinking about how unfair it is. She was our best friend. She cuddled with us when we were sick and played with us when we needed to cheer up.

As much as I know this is the best for all of us, my heart is still sad. I've been missing a part of my heart for almost a year. I hope one day it will be healed, but she will never be forgotten. The holiday won't be the same without her. RIP Bessie...we love you and miss you!

It's Christmas time...

2008-12-10T15:27:00.005-05:00

So 15 days and counting until Christmas. I haven't really been in the Christmas spirit this year. I've done things I'm supposed to, such as put up Christmas lights outside and put up the tree and decorations. I even did some baking and went to battle the crowds to do Christmas shopping, not to mention listen to Christmas music. But, in the end, I'm just not as enthusiastic as I was last year. I am looking forward to Christmas, but this year there's nothing I need. I've asked people to give to some charities in my name. Those people need it more then I do. I'm looking forward to Christmas only because my sister is coming home for Christmas for the first time in 4 or 5 years. I can't wait. For me Christmas isn't about the decorations, the cookies, the music, or the hustle and bustle. It's about spending time with people I love. Maybe since my sister is coming home this year it hit me and is just making the whole holiday season not as exciting. It's not about receiving gifts, it's about the baby Jesus being born in a stable in Bethlehem. It's something to keep in mind during your holiday celebrations this year. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. Below are a few poems to maybe get you in the spirit of the season.

Christmas

Hustle and bustle and hurry and run

looking for gifts that bring so much fun.

A visit to Santa we also must make

because of our children for all of our sakes.

The food preparations must get underway

like cookies and candies for our special day.

Gifts must be wrapped and bows must be tied

and trees must be trimmed and lights hung outside.

Cards must be bought and then must be signed

and addressed and mailed to reach friends on time.

The kids must be bathed and tucked into bed

where they will wait to hear Santa's sled.

But when morning comes midst all the squeals,

faces depicting what our children feel;

it makes all the hustle and hurry and run

so very worthwhile for these little ones.

Now let's remember the child in our lives

given to us when God's son arrived.

to teach us to love each other and then

to die on the corss to save us from sin.

The True Spirit of Christmas

Lots of people

Crowds everywhere

Rushing and pushing and shoving,

Going nowhere.

It's Christmas time again

Have to get all those things done

Hustle, bustle, quickly,

We must beat the sun.

Must get this and must get that

Maybe this nic, maybe that nak

When did it happen?

When did we lose track...

It's a race, yes it is

We are running, yes we are

But lets not forget

Before we get too far -

What is really really important

Doesn't take much to figure out

Take time to love

and love from the heart.

The Most Joyful Time of the Year

Christmas...the season of love

Love of family, friends and people in need

Our hearts are happy. Our hearts are warmed.

As we give and as we receive.

And turn away all thoughts of greed.

Christmas...a time for joy

Sleigh bells ring. Skaters twirl.

Sledding glee for boys and girls.

Carolers walk in every town and sing.

Of Christ our Savior. Of Christ our King.

Christmas...the best time of the year

Time to share love from above.

Time for joy. Time for Cheer.

May we share the Spirit of Christmas

Forever throughout the year.

Top 25 Teen Idols of All-Time?

2008-12-08T10:53:00.002-05:00

Well we'll see about that won't we? There's been a list released of the top 25 teen idols of all-time and you may be surprised at who tops the list and even who makes the list. Thought I'd share and get your input on it. So the list will be below and my notes for each artist will be at the end of the artist in parethesis ( ) with EDITORS NOTE by it, so pay attention to my thoughts! Enjoy and let me know what you think! This was posted on Monday, December 1, 2008 at 6:04 p.m. PST by Rob O'Connor in List of the Day.

With both Taylor Swift and Britney Spears releasing new albums, it's time we thought about teen idols, doncha think?

Who doesn't love a teen idol? After all, they're so young! And as we age and slowly become decrepit, we look back at our youth and wonder at the innocence of it all. For the most part, I tried to stick with performers who were actual teenangers when they inspired their peers. However, Davy Jones was clearly a bit older when he swooned Marcia Brady's heart and he is the very definition of a teen idol, as was David Cassidy. These days, we're much better at making sure oru teen idols are teenagers. Or at least were teenagers. Funny thing is they eventually grow up - like Britney. And develop into fine, fine citizens of the world. Or not.

Anyhow ranking them seems a little silly. I know from past experience that many of you dear readers will complain about someone's position on the list. I sympathize. If I woke up tomorrow to do this ranking system it would come out differently. There are no hard, fast rules here. Just me typing a name out and thinking that it looks nice in that spot. Or someone's got to be cut from this list. And since most of the people appearing on the list didn't get back to me about some "bonus" issues, well, we'll just let karma and fate and my accountant settle things once and for all.

No matter how you feel about these people, please remember to brush your teeth at least twice a day and stay away from those sugary snacks. Wheat thins are in! And careful with that cell phone. Who know if it really causes brain cancer? I'd hate tobe on the wrong side of that argument, which is why I prefer the U.S. Mail. Write a letter to your friends instead.

25) 98 Degrees: I remember when a friend of mine was telling me about these guys. His daughters were really into them. But he kept calling them 38 Degrees and I kept wondering what was the significance of being six degrees above freezing. (EDITORS NOTE: Ok so I was, as many teenagers were, a fan of 98 Degrees. Even saw them in concert, 4 rows back at the NYS Fair. Was it fair to say they should make this list? Yeah I think so)

24) Tiffany: We just featured Tiff in our "Where Are They Now?" column and she's still out there remaking herself as a danceclub diva. But back in the 1980s she was the girl next door singing at the mall, raking in the money and making you wonder why your band couldn't get that gig. After all, you didn't need Tommy James covers, you'd written an entire concept album called The Mind of Walter. (EDITORS NOTE: So I only know Tiffany through some of her music that I've heard but I've also read articles and see that she was a pretty big artist in the 80's and she may deserve the Teen Idol status)

23) Brandy: I went looking to find out more about this wonderful singer and came across this information: "She is the sister of singer and actor William Raymond Norwood and a cousin of blues singer Bo Diddley and rapper Snoop Dogg." Is this true? If so, is everyone in the music business related? I've heard we're each other's brother and sister, but this is taking things too far. (EDITORS NOTE: Brandy is a wonderful singer and artist, however making the Teen Idol list I think may be a stretch)

22) New Kids On The Block: These kids were huge in their day and these days they can't even get a reality TV show, can they? I'm told they released a new album this year. Did anyone notice? I'm told the album debuted at #1 on the charts and has gone Gold. But who bought it? Teens? Fully grown adults who remember them back when? Who are these people? (EDITORS NOTE: I remember when my sister was hooked on New Kids, I was still a little too young to follow them. Do they deserve this? Yes I think they do. But as for the comeback this year, what are they looking for Teen Idol status all over again? Give me a break)

21) Frankie Lymon: His life was tragic. "Why Do Fools Fall In Love?" guaranteed him success and then his voice changed and the people who managed him weren't very good to him and he was introduced to heroin and he died of an overdose at 25. Sometimes success isn't exactly success. Hey, Artie Lange, keep an eye on yourself (we went to high school together, this is true!) (EDITORS NOTE: Never heard of him, so Teen Idol status, think it's overrated for him)

20) Shaun Cassidy: His amazing version of "Da Doo Ron Ron" remains one of pop music's all-time classics and certainly everyone should own a copy. If you don't, do not pass. Go, do not collect $200 and go directly to jail!" (EDITORS NOTE: I haven't heard much about Shaun Cassidy, however what I have heard points in the direction that he deserve to be on this list)

19) Debbie Gibson: Deborah to us now. And recently featured in my "Where Are They Now?" column. She was the cleanest, most wholesome of the lot and then she poses in Playboy to shatter our image of her and to promote an album called Naked. You expect certain folks to do these things, but not our Little Debbie! (Great snack food, too.) (EDITORS NOTE: Debbie Gibson was definitely a huge pop star in the 80's and followed by droves of fans, so the recognition is well deserved I think)

18) Ricky Nelson: From The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet to more than 50 Top 100 Hits to "Garden Party" to siring two sons who would go on to '80's rock fame as Nelson, Ricky had done it all. He set the standard for others and yet never quite got the respect that many other less successful artists received. He should've filed a petition! (EDITORS NOTE: He didn't receive the recognition or the publicity, never heard a song from him)

17) *NSync: I guess any band with Justin Timberlake and Lance Bass should be considered a "Supergroup" of sorts. I mean, even I've heard of them and I wouldn't know these guys from Backstreet Boys, who I'm ranking higher because they have a better name, or 98 Degrees, who I ranked lower because of their lamer name. It's not an exact science, folks. (EDITORS NOTE: As a HUGE NSync fan and having been to 4 amazing concerts from them, I gotta say they deserve to be ranked higher. Maybe I'm a biased person, but anyone that can shut down every street surrounding the Today show building when they perform, or sell out a concert in a minute, or break records by the most one-day album sales ever, deserve a high ranking)

16) LeAnn Rimes: It's a shame she grew up because she made a great teenager. But we all knew it was bound to happen. We saw it happen with Alyssa Milano. So there was previous proof. She's currently 26! And she continues to have success - proving she wasn't just some teen flash-in-the-pan, but a force of a nature. (EDITORS NOTE: I have to agree with this one. LeAnn is amazing and continues to make albums and hits so this is a well-deserved recognition.)

15) Silverchair: I've already been taken to task for not realizing that these guys still had a career going after their first initial success. Damn. I should've known something was up when I saw they worked with Van Dyke Parks. That's not someone you call upon when you want a hit. That's who you call when you want prestige and to sell no records whatsoever. Unless you're the Beach Boys, then you call him because you want to get weird - and annoy Mike Love. (EDITORS NOTE: Can't comment on this one since I don't know this group)

14) Hanson: Who didn't think these guys were the best? They always looked uncomfortable and awkward and you figured the little drummer boy in the back would eventually become a terror. They had to know that "MmmBop" wasn't going to help them be taken seriously. Catchy tune. Big hit. But it's kind of like farting on your first date. Everyone remembers, but not everyone is impressed. (EDITORS NOTE: I'm a Hanson hater and think "MmmBop" was the dumbest song ever. They don't even deserve the title of musicians, let alone teen idol)

13) Backstreet Boys: Given the 13th position strictly because I like their name. They've sold over 120 million albums but not oen of them to me or anyone I know and I assume that most of those albums - CDs? - are now sitting in a landfill somewhere alongside my old computer and my Atari 2600. Damn, I miss that thing. (EDITORS NOTE: Backstreet deserve some recognition, but not this much - did they break any records? I think not)

12) Jonas Brothers: I've been to Wyckoff, New Jersey, so there's a chance that I once ran into these guys when they were little tykes probably trying to run me over with their tricycles. These days, they could buy and sell me. I just hope these talented young men are putting aways their money into smart, retirement plans because even though right now the horrors of old age may seem to be in the distant future it will come sooner than they think. But, hey, for now, let's celebrate! (EDITORS NOTE: Give me a break! The Jonas Brothers? Enough said...)

11) Taylor Swift: Maybe Joe Jonas can dump her in 27 seconds on the phone, but just for that we're putting her one spot ahead of those guys - to teach them a lesson! We here at List of the Day will not stand for guys breaking up with girls over the phone. That's what the mail is for! (EDITORS NOTE: Taylor is a talented young lady - just not when she sings Christmas songs - so recogntion while deserved)

10) Menudo: What I liked about this group was how you got kicked out after you got too old. It didn't matter what you had contributed, it was time to move on. Imagine if we could do that to all those old, senile high school teachers who keep reading from the same yellowed notes year after year. Or to the mail delivery person who no longer can remember which box is which and keeps giving my mail to the neighbors. Forced retirement at age 17 might seem a bit extreme, but reality burns sometimes. (EDITORS NOTE: Wasn't Ricky Matin in this group? Enough said...no recognition deserved there)

9) Donny and Marie: She was a little bit country and he was a little bit rock n' roll, and we do mean a little bit. These two had their own variety show that if I remember correctly was on Friday nights, which served as a reminder that you were HOME on a Friday night. They had so many teeth there should've been a dental inquiry. (EDITORS NOTE: Donny and Marie are very talented in their own right and I loved their show)

8) Lulu: I'm including her because of her name. It's a great one. And she was a teen star. And I'm figuring about 3 per cent of my reading public remember her. And the rest will just ignore this entry and move on to the one about Michael Jackson or maybe Avril. Our attention spans are like that. (EDITORS NOTE: Not one of the 3 percent, enough said)

7) Tanya Tucker: These days young ones are so much more commonplace but back in the 1970s, it was always as if they had "blue laws" stopping youth from happening. Tanya took over the country world with "Delta Dawn" at 13 and "Would You Lay With Me (In A Field Of Stone)" was among her hits that caused people to raise their eyebrows and wonder where the world was headed. They would've shuddered to learn about Gangsta Rap, that's for sure. (EDITORS NOTE: Never heard of her either)

6) Michael Jackson: Michael wasn't even a teen when he started his career. He had so much of a head start on everyone else it practically wasn't fair. That it turned out he had actual talent must've been a surprise to everyone. I mean, when a kid is nine, you can't map out what he'll be doing at 20 or 30. Weathermen can't even figure out what's going to happen in three days! (EDITORS NOTE: The "King of Pop" deserves to be recognized as a huge teen idol because that he was. If only he could stop turning white and keep his hands to himself)

5) David Cassidy: Another one of these guys who was a little old by today's standards. But he had that show - The Partridge Family - and maybe he wasn't always crazy about performing on the show but I'm pretty sure Willie Aames would've killed for that opportunity to perform regularly, as his band only got to perform once on Eight is Enough, which was a show that starred Dick Van Patten, an absolutely legend here at Y! Music. (EDITORS NOTE: David Cassidy was a teen idol in his day and I think he rightfully earned a spot as one of the top 25 of all-time)

4) Avril LaVigne: She made skater kids go mainstream and took the punk she found at the mall and went for it. I don't imagine she'll ever be teaming up with the guys from Fear or Black Flag, but then who knows? Weirder things have happened. And often do - if you live long enough. (EDITORS NOTE: Avril is a great artist and singer I think, but as for being this high up on the list, not so sure about that)

3) Miley Cyrus: I can't get over how much more teenager is left in this girl. It seems like she's been popular forever. I can baretly remember a world where she wasn't dominating the lunch box market. But then I can baretly remember where I put my shoes. (EDITORS NOTE: Give me a break! Miley this, Hannah Montana that, give me a break! See what happens to her when she grows up, another Britney perhaps?)

2) Britney Spears: Her song have always been catchy. Which when you're performing pop music really helps. And she's been controversial, which when you're performing pop music really helps. And she likes attention, which when you're performing pop music really helps. And we here at Y! Music really like her too which when you're performing pop music really helps. (EDITORS NOTE: Ok, so yes Britney deserve a spot on this list, but #2? Not sure about that. I've been second row at a Britney concert and do thinks she rocks in concert, but her life, not so much)

1) Davy Jones: This is where my own bias has to show. It's impossible to really determine a #1. So considering his A-1 performance of "Girl" on The Brady Bunch and his agreement to attend the prom with Marcia, well, what a swell guy. He did attend the prom with her, didn't he? (EDITORS NOTE: Not even close to being right on this one!)

Ok so that's the list...the only other things I have to add is, where are the other artists? You know The Beatles, The Monkees? The groups and artists who set the bar so high for some of these other so called "teen idols" Maybe someday I'll be inspired to put together my own list.

The holiday season

2008-11-20T13:01:00.004-05:00

So it's been a long time since I've checked in...what a surprise there, right? Work and life seems to be keeping me pretty busy lately. I am, however, ready for my paid vacation next month. All of us get a week and a half off around Christmas, and it's really nice to be able to not have to go through the stress that comes with working around the holidays. It'll be a nice end to the year as well. Next week will be nice too though with only 3 days and then off, and paid, for Thanksgiving and Black Friday.

Well I'm suffering a pretty severe cold. Have been for almost a week now. It went downhill pretty fast but today I think I sense the swing around and hopefully it's moving toward the better end of things.

As Christmas fast approaches I have depleted my bank account pretty fast with the whole shopping thing, but the good news is I am almost done. I think I have one more thing to get and I will do that after I get paid sometime, so I'm excited about that. I love the holidays typically but this year I was already wrapping some of the gifts I got people and it took a lot to get me in the holiday spirit. I don't seem to be there quite yet and I'm not sure why. My sister's coming home for the first time in many years for Christmas, I should be in a good mood, right? I don't know. Some things that bother me around the holidays include the hustle and bustle at the store. I quite often walk by a couple people arguing ove the one item that is left. Is that the holiday spirit? Or you know those people practically running and pushing people out of the way or the long lines that people can't stand...then don't go to the store around the holidays! Don't act surprised that people are there. Then there's the kids. I love kids around the holidays. I think they look so cute in their little dresses with their hair done all right. But you know what I'm talking about, right? The kids with their parents in the store, saying I want that, I want this. I think every child should know the story of Christmas and know what Christmas is really about. Christmas has never been about the gifts. The gifts started when the three wisemen gave the gifts to baby Jesus after he was born. Christmas is about celebrating His life. I know it's in the back of some people's minds, but too often it's forgotten in the hustle and bustle of the store or decorating the house, or baking cookies. Take a minute out of your day and really remember. And maybe do something nice for someone this year. Give money you would have spent to a charity so kids who have nothing on Christmas can have just one gift. Make a child's face light up with one gift. Really think about how much you typically buy for family or friends. I'm guilty as well. Everyone gets many gifts from me, but I'm asking people this year to give to a charity in my name. I don't need anything, but some people do. Think about that when you start to get caught up in the hustle and bustle.

So I guess that's my message for the day. Wanted to get it out there early so when you do go out again you can think about something other then the wants. Have a wonderful week :)

Here I am

2008-10-17T10:35:00.002-04:00

So it's been 3 weeks of me working at my new job. It's been very hectic. Both me and my boss came in at a very busy time. Our sleepover, called veni.vidi.vici, the biggest event of the year for the Girl Scouts, is tomorrow. I have to work it of course, so it's going to be a very long day tomorrow. Don't forget I get to see Carrie Underwood tomorrow night :) I'm so excited about that. I'm also excited about hanging out with my friend, who I haven't seen in a LONG time and haven't hung out with for even longer! It's going to be a fun time! I seriously can't wait!

The office is closed Monday so everyone can recoup from the sleepover, so that's a good thing. It seems to be a busy job with me writing grants, writing press releases, writing articles for our monthly newsletter and our quarterly newsletter, going to be busy busy busy, but that's ok. I'd rather be busy then not doing anything, like today. Pretty much everything is done for the sleepover so I sit here wondering what to do.

As for the radio end of things, haven't done that in awhile, and to be honest I haven't missed it. I think there comes a point in time when everyone realizes they have to move on and do something new. I did love what I did, but when it came down to it, they didn't give me what I wanted. I worked my ass off for them and never got the full-time that I needed and feel that I deserved. So they lost a good worker. I still talk to a couple people from there, and of course send out press releases, so keep in contact with the news department that way. I think I'll be happier not doing evenings very often, or not running ragged with a crazy schedule. For the first time in my life I'm basically down to one job. The occasional Saturday I'll work a radio shift but this month has been so busy I haven't been able to. Am I happier? I think so. Do I seem it?

Happier in the work end of things, yes, but in the personal side of things not so much. It's hard, and I people often as me how I do it living so far apart? My answer, I don't know. It's hard, and it doesn't get easier...just gets harder. Guess that subjects for another day.

I have to send out a media alert now, so I hope to be able to check in more often now, and I'm out at 12:30 today! That's a plus! Ok, until next time, take care.

Talking

2008-09-25T16:25:00.002-04:00

Can't move, can't think, can't talk, can barely breathe.

It's intoxicating, the smell, the kiss, the touch.

I feel my heart beating faster and faster with each breath.

I feel it all when you're near.

When we're apart I'm lonely and feel lost.

Never knowing when I'll see you again.

I dream of the day when we get to go out again.

I dream of the next time I'll get to kiss you.

I dream of that next touch and the softness of your skin.

Until then I simply hope it'll happen.

Happy Birthday to Me!!

2008-09-11T21:09:00.002-04:00

Celebrating my birthday on Saturday. Another year gone by...where's the time going anyway?

This is why we don't hold yard sales...

2008-08-18T10:54:00.002-04:00

I'm exhausted and the yard sale is still a week away. That's right, we're holding a yard sale, and if you've ever held one, you know what I'm talking about. It's a hell of a lot of work. We've been going through everything we have, which is good because we've been cleaning out and able to get rid of a lot of stuff, but we have a basement full of stuff and a living room full of stuff we're selling. It's technically my sale, so I have to then price everything, which takes a lot of time. I can't wait until the weekend is over with. Yes, that's when we're holding it. Saturday and Sunday. I just hope the weather cooperates.

My mom told me if I did all the work for it I could keep the money we raise, so that's what I'm doing. It's a lot of work though so now I know why she didn't want to. lol. Of course both my parents have been going through things too, but when it comes to getting stuff together and pricing things, it's a lot of work. So I'm working on it this week, doing the last minute stuff and bringing things up from downstairs so we're ready for the weekend. Let's just hope I survive it and make it through to next week...right now I'm not so sure.

Here I am

2008-07-22T09:45:00.003-04:00

It's been a trying couple of weeks for me. Maybe it's because of vacation and the fact that I got to spend a week with Rich, which was for the most part, great. I guess I wish it was just easier to be able to spend time with him, away from work, and be able to see him whenever I want. With him an hour or so away, I can't just hop in my car and go, especially with gas prices the way they are. It sucks. Anyway, here are just some poems, take them as they are...hope you enjoy.

Walk With Me

Walk with me, the path of life, to explore every bend of the road Enjoy with me the beauty of life, along its wonderful way

Find comfort with me, in each other's arms, when grief crosses our path Find strength with me, in each other's strength when despair lies in wait

Laugh with me, a single true laugh, to enlighten another's distress Cry with me, a single true tear, to understand true happiness

Cherish with me, the wonders of life, as they need to be preserved Rejoice with me, in the mysteries, of what is yet to be

Find peace with me, in each other's souls when the world has gone insane Find love with me, in each other's hearts until this life has been fulfilled

And if the path comes to an end I hope we can say from within We've known the beaught of true love, our love came from within <>Times in Love

There are times when words aren't enough feelings can't always be put into words; because they are inadequate and often escape us sometimes, there are only feelings.

There are times when all you need is a look; a silent, wordless connection between souls an understanding that needs no translation a natural, knowing stare that says everything.

There are times when all you need is a touch; nothing spoken - just the gesture of reaching out touching, silently transferring your energy conveying something that comes from within

There are times when all you need is acceptance to know that you are valued as you are that any changes you make only enhance you more as you discover yourself.

There are times when all you need is love no conditions or demands, only simplicity to know that for no reason at all another chooses you over all others. There are times when all you ever wanted, was to be completed by another person.

There are times when you need all of these things there are times when nothing else matters.

The Best Chance

Every building that's built Will someday come down It will age, it will buckle It will crash to the ground.

Every car that we drive Will someday just die The engine, the brakes The gas tank runs dry.

Every shirt that we purchase All the clothes that we wear They will fade and unravel They will stain, they will tear.

Every tree that's above us Never matter how tall It's time too will come And then it will fall.

Every day that we wake When the sun shines so bright We're sure we can count on The darkness of night.

Nothing lasts forever So it seems to be true But nothing's ever had a better chance Than the love I feel for you.

A Special Place

There is a special place in life, That needs my humble skill, A certain job I'm meant to do, Which no one else can fulfill.

The time will be demanding, And the pay is not too good And yet I wouldn't change it for a moment - even if I could.

There is a special place in life, A goal I must attain, A dream that I must follow, Because I won't be back again.

There is a mark that I must leave, However small it seems to be, A legacy of love for those, Who follow after me.

There is a special place in life, That only I may share, A little path that bears my name, Awaiting me somewhere.

There is a hand that I must hold, A word that I must say, A smile that I must give, For there are tears to blow away.

There is a special place in life, that I was meant to fill A sunny spot where flowers grow, upon a windy hill.

There's always a tomorrow and the best is yet to be, And somewhere in this world I know there is a place for me.

Every

Every day that I love, Every time that I breathe, I think of the love that we have shared.

Every time I see a smile, Every time I hear laughter, I think of the joy that you brought my life.

Every time I close my eyes, Every time I begin to dream, I see myself holding you near to me.

Every rose I smell, Every blooming flower I see, I see your beauty shining through your eyes.

Every glowing light, Every twinkling star, I see radiating from your heart of gold.

Everyone I see, Every voice I hear, I can only see your beauty and hear your melody.

Every boy and girl, Every husband and wife, I am reminded of you and me hand in hand.

Every love song I hear, Every romantic movie I see, I think about you and me together forever.

Every time I am alone, Every time it is quiet, I think about you, your love, and my love for you.

Every time we don't talk, Every moment we are apart, I feel my heart ache for your touch of love.

Every time I hear wedding bells, Every time I hear the death toll, I wonder if this is the beginning or end of us.

Every new day, Every coming night, I thank God for letting me know you and your love.

Every night before bed, Every time I pray, I ask for another day of loving you.

And then there was one...

2008-07-12T20:29:00.002-04:00

So officially being home from vacation feels nice. It's always good to get away but I missed my family and of course my kitty, so it's good to be back. We got back this morning and unpacked the car and moved Rich's stuff into his car and he took off back to his place. I then managed to unpack things in a pretty timely manner and got to relax. Then went out with my mom and sis shopping and came home again. Did I mention it's good to be back?

The cottage we stayed in was nice. A little small but perfect for 3 people really. We had a very nice week weather wise. Wednesday and Friday were rainy and dreary, but other then that, perfect weather. I managed to get a sunburn the first official day we were there....bad sun burn too....I'm sure it was at least second degree burns on one part. It's my shoulder and chest that got it the worst. It was very painful to take a shower, go out in the sun or sleep for the first few days. It's still very red and started to peel a few days ago so now I'm taking care of it. Needless to say the rest of the week I put sunblock on, but was still in pain. We had fun though. Went into Old Forge shopping and into Eagle Bay and Inlet, they have some great shops up there. I highly recommend it. The lake, Fourth Lake, was also gorgeous. We watched the sunset one night and saw lots of ducks, baby ones too, on our section of the beach.

So one last day left of our vacation and I'm going to watch the Boilermaker tomorrow. Have to be up at 6 a.m. Then I'll come home and nap a bit before we go to a graduation party and a concert tomorrow night. It's a packed day but I'm looking forward to working again. I'm happy to be doing nights because that means on-air work for IBX. I'm really excited about doing that!

Ok, we're going to watch a movie, so that's the low down on the vaca! More to come!

T-minus 12 days

2008-06-23T21:26:00.000-04:00

That's it...12 days to go. Can't wait, I need time away...Hmm...that's it for today's post...

T-minus 13 days

2008-06-22T21:09:00.002-04:00

So the countdown has begun. Maybe it'll make it go by faster or maybe it'll make it drag out, but I need this vacation and I can't wait.

So I saw Get Smart today...awesome movie! Steve Carrell and Anne Hathaway are perfect together. It is so funny and very well done. Highly recommended to go see! What else did the day consist of? Not much...did my exercising this morning, did some fun shopping and did some planting outside. Good day overall. I'm trying to keep busy to keep my mind off the fact that I don't get to see Rich. In a perfect world I'd get to see him everyday, but it's not a perfect world and this time around it's 2 weeks...even when we're together it's only for a few hours, and it's at work a lot or we're trying to find something fun and inexpensive to do with his daughter. Nothing is inexpensive anymore, so it's hard. We make it work because, for one, I can't imagine life without him, but the vacation is going to be nice. We can actually spend time together and do some fun stuff. Even though I'm sure we'll be very busy, the fact is, we'll all be together...so I'm hoping it'll help keep me going because it's getting hard.

Anyway, I'm going to try to update daily to count down until my fun-filled vacation :)

The past month...

2008-06-20T22:16:00.003-04:00

So a lot has happened over the past month, none of which I checked in on. The last post I told you about a job that I was hoping to get. Well, I did get it, but not the way I had expected. About 3 weeks ago I was laid off from the paper due to "econoic difficulties" or some bullshit like that. I know it was because I had mentioned looking at this other job. I thought I was doing the right thing and they were my friends who wanted the best for me. Boy was I wrong, they didn't care. They threw me out on the road. As I felt like my world was crumbling that day, everyone around me said they knew I would land on my feet. That same day I went into the station to have them kinda offer me the job I was after. Me and the other girl got it, which means we're considered part time. Normally I wouldn't mind this, but I do, because that means no benefits. I'm working about 39.5 hours a week...I need to squeeze a half hour somewhere and then maybe they'll give it to me. They said it's possible and they are working on it, so we'll see what happens with that. The bottom line, it was definitely the world's shortest unemployment.

So I've been working at WIBX for 2 and a half weeks or so and I absolutely love it. I do wish I was on the air, but I am so happy to be working there. Totally different then how the paper was the past few months. I get along with all my co-workers and am busy and almost always doing something. It really feels great. Lite hasn't suffered either, I keep doing the voicetracking, and it's been amazing on gas. I went 2 weeks without gasing up, it felt wonderful! Although all good things must come to an end if they can't get me insurance. I told them I want to stay around but I need insurance. This was their way of screwing both me and the other girl, who was also looking for insurance, over, by hiring us both part-time instead of full. They could benefit from a news department with more full-time people, we are covering a lot more then the station used to. But you know money is always the issue, and anything to keep us from getting extra.

I'm am really looking forward to vacation which is officially 2 weeks away. I can't wait to get away for a week and spend it with Rich. I do think we have some things we need to talk about, because I have some worries about things, so maybe this will give us a chance to do that.

For the past week I have been excercising, making me feel a lot better. I'm happy to be getting back downstairs to do that. I hope to continue it and I'm looking to lose some weight and get in better shape. So wish me luck with that :)

I think the final important note is that Carrie Underwood is coming to the area in October! I got my tickets today! I'm so excited. The third year in a row I get to see her, so I'm happy about that. I haven't been a fan of anyone as much since NSync...lol.

So yeah, been a busy month here, hopefully I didn't lose anything out and hopefully I'll check in again soon and let you know what's going on. Take care and peace out until next time.

What do I do?

2008-05-14T10:04:00.003-04:00

I'm torn. I've wanted a new job for quite some time and now that I'm on the brink of getting that I don't know what to do. Things changed at the paper after the editor left. I really like the new editor and her and I get along really good. Gas prices are beginning to kill me though. Almost $4 a gallon and I'm struggling to make it work.

As the position is officially open at WIBX I tell myself I should go for it. Maybe I've just gotten too comfortable at the paper. Starting something new always makes me very nervous and that's probably part of the problem. I shouldn't be nervous, I have worked with these people for the past 5 years, and known some of them longer then that. They are great people and radio is my passion...right? I'd get to do the news on the air and do the reporting end of things. I'll also get to keep doing my voicetracking for Lite as I was told that could be added into my salary, which by the way is way more then I'm making now, and I wouldn't have the added expense of gas weekly. I'm sure I'd be able to make it a couple weeks on a tank of gas. So you can say the pros definitely outway the cons...so why am I so undecided?

I kinda think I'm afraid to give radio the full-time chance and I'm afraid of leaving newspapers. People always say doing something new is difficult, so what I need to do is be able to take a leap of faith and jump into it knowing that I am doing this to advance my career.

At the same time I can't stop thinking about Rich. This gig at IBX is a night gig where I'd be working at like 2 and until I get done with my meetings...I would also have to have time to voicetrack for Lite somewhere in there. So what does this all mean? Not talking to him most days and not seeing him as much as I am now...I've always said a guy would never be factored into a decision that would advance my career...but that was before I fell head over heels in love with him. I admit seeing him once a week is better then none, and I'm accepting that...it's just hard. I would also have most weekends off. I would be working like once every third Saturday or something and it would be really early in the morning.

See how confused I am? I just need to believe that this is where I'm supposed to be going with my career. I have another meeting with them to discuss pay and hours and the job on Thursday so I guess we'll go from there. I also talked to my editor at work. She of course said she didn't want to lose me, but she also wished me luck at getting the job and said it would be hard to replace me. She knows radio is what I ultimately really want to do.

So yes I'm torn and if you have any suggestions I would love to hear them. As of now I'm trying to keep focus on the present and see what happens on Thursday. I'll definitely be back to keep you posted. So stay tuned...

Another weekend comes to a close...

2008-04-27T15:42:00.002-04:00

So I'm just sitting here now, waiting for Rich to get back online. Sometimes I feel pathetic. We spent the weekend together and now that he's gone, I kinda feel like I don't know who I am or what to do. I feel like I'm half of myself I guess, if that makes any sense. I live my weeks waiting for the weekend and the time I get to spend with him and then when he leaves I don't know what to do with myself.

Well it's one of those days I guess and I don't have much else to say at all...so off I go to try to kill some time...

Yes I'm here

2008-04-23T13:39:00.002-04:00

It's been a long time since I've checked in here. I've been busy working, working and working. I just wanted to send a quick note to let everyone know I'm still here and alive. I don't really have much else to say. Hopefully I have time to fully check in sometime soon.

Why's it have to be so complicated?

2008-03-07T12:04:00.002-05:00

So my life has been full of working, working and well...working. Ever since these hours were changed for me at work I get no time to do anything for myself...I guess that's OK in some sense because it doesn't give me much time to think about how much time I DON'T get to see Rich. It just keeps getting harder and harder and I try so much to either see him or understand why I can't, but it's hard. I can't help it. Yes, I get upset, but then I try to see him for a weekend and it's OK again, but then it goes back to the way it was before. I spend more time being upset then I do being happy lately.

Ok on to a much lighter story...sprained my ankle pretty bad yesterday, I am such a klutz, but makes it very hard to walk today, have it wrapped and such...work will be interesting today I'm sure since work involves doing some walking.

Well I guess I don't have much else to say right now, nothing else has really happened lately...have I mentioned all I do is work?

What a change a month can have...

2008-02-07T07:59:00.000-05:00

So I know I haven't posted in a month, I guess I should've with everything I've had to deal with lately. It's seriously been a worldwind of crap in my life lately.

To start it off 3 weeks ago we had to put our dog to sleep. You never really know how much a part of the family they become. She was 14 years old and her liver was starting to fail. The vet said with meds we could keep her alive for another 6 months to a year, but why would we put her through all that pain? She went downhill fast and no one was expecting it. It's weird to come into the house without her here. The cats been taking it hard too. Walking around crying and being really clingy lately. I can talk about her now without really crying so we're all doing our best to move on, although it's hard sometimes to look at pictures of her when she was young. She was a really good dog.

Next is the freaking changes at work. They switched our hours at work so every other week the reporters have to work 2-11 p.m. Man does that suck. It screwed up my entire schedule at my other job, which no one seems to care about. So I'm sick of the shit and am in the midst of looking for another job. I've interviewed at one that I inerviewed at before, but for some reason it just seems like he's totally not interested. Never returns my calls or e-mails, I don't know...just a sense that he doesn't want me there, that's fine...I'll move on and keep looking. I'll get a desk job if I have to. I'd make more money at that job at least. We were never consulted about the changes at work. Just told to be there at a certain time as our hours are changing...gee thanks, really appreciate the 3 day headsup...it's insane if you ask me. So that's where works at lately.

My boss at the station has been really good at dealing with these new hours. He says the voicetracking position is mine until I don't want it anymore. It just makes for really long days to go to the station from noon to 1:15 or so and then to work from 2-11. But I'm making it work for the time being.

That's pretty much it for the crappy changes that have been happening. Good things are on the horizon too. Planning a mini-vacation with Rich to go see my sister in Boston for a weekend. Also seeing what we can do about an Orlando and Disney World vacation in July. Also, who's idea was it to put Valentine's Day on a Thursday? Come on..lol. Well at least I don't work a 2-11 that day, I have an 8-5, so that's a little better. Not that there are any plans, but still...better then working at night.

Well that's pretty much what's new and not-so-exciting for me. My coffee is done so going to go get that and some breakfast and I have a yucky doctors appointment in a little bit too...fun times.

My Personality

2008-01-14T20:28:00.001-05:00

It's something not many people understand. I've always been a quiet person, it's just me. I blame it on being a middle child where really no one listened to me as much as my sisters. But, I was quite content being a quiet person. I was happy. I absorbed myself into the elementary, junior high and high school band. I didn't have a lot of friends but I had really good friends.

In high school I also absorbed myself in a local radio station, which ultimately led me to the track I am on today. I always loved to write which led me to the journalism end of it.

I often think back to the teachers I had or the people in school who thought I was weird because I never talked...do they hear me now or read my articles? What would they say if they knew where my life was now?

My personality, however, can work against me more then for me. I never (or hardly ever) talked about my feelings. I held everything in and cried in my room. So when people ask me to talk about what I'm feeling I guess in some sense I get scared. I'm not used to that. As much as I want to, it's very awkward for me to. I've started to talk about my feelings more then I used to. But it really scares me. I guess I've always tried to make people think they're right and to please people at all times and the fact is it scares me to think people might be mad at me over something. I don't know.

I always wondered how I ended up with this personality, but the truth is I don't think I would be where I am today without this peronality.

I love being a journalist and writing for a living, I do miss writing for fun, I don't do that very much anymore since I'm writing everyday. I also love being on the radio, the rush I get every time I turn on that mic, it shows me that I was meant to do it. And to receive e-mails and feedback from listeners, it makes it all worth it.

Although I work a lot, I do it mainly to keep my mind off of other things. I may complain about it, but if I wasn't working I would go insane. Lately my mood has been pretty good after working. I get into a groove and I get ok.

Anyway, it's just some things that have been on my mind lately. Kind of weird to have my personality on my mind, but it has been lately. So yeah, just some thoughts to ponder for the day...

Why?

2008-01-13T09:46:00.000-05:00

Why is it so hard for me to be completely happy? For moments in time I can feel what it can be to not have a care in the world. And before I know it it's taken away by the end of a day.

Why can't it get easier as time goes by? I find myself falling harder with each passing day. No matter how hard I try to forget about him for a moment at a time, I find myself falling further under his trance.

Why can't I understand what's going through my head? I get asked questions I don't know the answers to. I know what I want but have no idea how to go about getting it.

Why can't everything just be perfect? For once I would just like to get everything I want at the time I want. What I want is always an arms length out of reach.

Why does this act continue and how long will it go on? Pretending I'm as happy as people think. Pretending I'm ok when I'm not. And most of all putting on this act for everyone so no one truly sees what's inside.

Why can't I just live my life with who I want without all the hurdles and obstacles in front of me? Is it God's way of testing me? Am I able to handle everything thrown at me and not screw anything up?

My life really is at one of the best places it has been, if only every area of my life could possibly be perfect. Maybe at some point it will be...until then I have to make sure I don't screw things up.

Lost

2008-01-04T15:37:00.000-05:00

Have you heard the new song by Faith Hill? It's not totally new new, but it's her newest. It's called "Lost." We've been playing it at Lite for quite some time, but just recently I really started to listen to the words of the song. It is very nice and fits right into how I've been feeling lately. The lyrics are below and if you haven't listend to the actual song yet, I suggest you do and let me know what you think.

Is it obvious to you, When you walk into a room, Your face is all I see, And my heart races so fast, I never knew a rush to feel like that, Every time you're touching me.

I never did believe in anything, I couldn't hold between my fingers, But the way you make me feel, It's just so real the way it lingers.

I get lost inside your stare, Lost when you're not there, When everything I have doesn't mean a thing, If it's without you, If it's a dream, don't wake me up, I'll scream if this isn't love, If bein' lost means never knowin', How it feels without you, I wanna stay lost (forever), (I wanna stay lost forever with you).

No, this feeling doesn't end, It's with me everywhere I am, Hope it never goes away, It's like defying gravity, Losin' all control and bein' free, And I always wanna stay.

I never thought that I'd let go, Long enough to fall for someone deeply, Who had the power to erase my fears, And find me so completely.

Don't tell me where we're goin', I don't wanna know, I like the mystery (I like the mystery), I can't believe we've come this far, So far away from where we started off, You found me when I wasn't lookin', You found me.

And now I'm lost inside your stare, Lost when you're not there, And everything I have doesn't mean a thing, If it's without you, Without you, If it's a dream, Don't wake me up, I'll scream if this isn't love, If bein' lost means never knowin', How it feels without you, Yeah, if bein' lost means never knowin', How it feels without you, Oh, if bein' lost means that I'm never, Gonna be without you, I wanna stay lost forever, I wanna stay lost forever with you.

Middle Child Syndrome?

2008-01-02T15:52:00.000-05:00

You know you'd think at the age of 23 this shit would have been long gone.

You've probably heard all about middle child syndrome, even if you're not a middle child. The older kid gets to do anything they want, the younger is the baby and can do no wrong...where's that leave the ones in the middle? It leaves them there to do everything else that the other two aren't doing. Sometimes you have a middle child sibling as well, so it's not as bad because there's the two of you who can stick together, but when you're like myself, you have three girls, and I'm stuck in the middle.

I suffered from it pretty bad when I was little. But now my older sister is out of the house you think I would be the oldest and ready to do anything I want. I guess it's the price I pay for living at home still. I wish I could make enough to move out, I would in a heartbeat. I get home from a long day at work and all I want to do is sit for a little bit and drink a cup of coffee, maybe talk to a few people online, but my mom gets after me to do the dishes, do laundry, make coffee, do this, do that. Mind you my little sister (who is almost 21, so she is capable too) is out of college until the end of this month and sits on her lazy ass all day doing absolutely nothing but watching television. She doesn't get yelled at to do anything. I say why can't she do it, and my mom yells at me and says "because I told you to." What the hell is that? Usually the excuse is that my little sister has to clean her room (mind you her room is disgusting at all times!) So, this is the price I pay for deciding to keep my room clean? Maybe I should test that theory and trash my room and see what happens...but I'm not 2 and I do way more then my share of house work, as well as work 2 jobs, I'm home for 2, maybe 3, hours a day, not including the time I'm asleep.

Tell me if you're old like me and still suffer from middle child syndrome? I don't think it is that anymore, I just think it's because I've proven I'm capable of doing such things

So, anyone looking for roommates? I'd love to get out of here. lol.

It's the new year...does it really matter?

2008-01-01T11:45:00.000-05:00

First and foremost, Happy New Year! Hope everyone has a wonderful 2008 and hope you had a happy and safe celebration to ring in the new year.

Me...well I was in tears shortly before midnight and shortly after midnight...a freaking wonderful way to ring in the new year. I should be used to disappointments. Lately that seems to come more often then not. In my relationship, I understand it comes as a package deal. I've been ok with that, but now that we're heading into our second anniversary it's beginning to take a toll. I never get to see him, except on Saturdays for a short time, and in between if I get to, he has to bring his daughter along. I love her, I really do, but in some cases you need some "adult" time as well. I'm so not ready to be thrown into the full-time role that he seems to be trying to get out of me. He says he loves spending time with "both of his girls," but I just don't know. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm getting in over my head, especially since he seems to have me in tears more times then not lately.

We were supposed to spend New Years together, with my family...but I get a phone call at 8:30 or so and he says he has no one to watch his daughter. That's what he gets for not planning something out. So yeah...I'm disappointed and upset and feel like I have no right to be. He says him and his daughter are coming out today (new years day) to spend the day with me. Mind you I'm sick with a cold and really not feeling good, and really have no patience for a 5-year-old right now. Again, I feel bad for this. So I do some thinking and despite how much I desperately wanted and needed to see him, I send him an e-mail at 1 a.m. and tell him not to come out. I need to rest to get over this cold and my mom, who has been sick lately too, doesn't want his daughter running around the house, I can't blame her. So now I'm sure I've upset him and again feel bad, although I think I'm in the right here.

I guess I was hoping he would get a message out of this. So now I don't get to see him until Saturday, and that's only if he decides to come up early to see me. I just don't know if all this pain and me being upset is worth it.

I guess only time will tell just where we're headed...

The holidays

2007-12-26T08:40:00.000-05:00

So Merry belated Christmas!! I hope Santa was good to you giving you everything you wanted. My holiday spirit disapperaed sometime about a month ago I think. I'm sick of people not remembering what this season is all about. This is a religious season, yet people who aren't religious celebrate the holiday the same and make their kids greedy because they want this and they want that. This is a season to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, not to receive presents. I love giving presents. I love watcing the faces of the people I give to as they open their presents.

This holiday season I took some time when I was out amongst the hustle and bustle of the holiday crowds to watch the people out shopping. Carrying huge bags of items from store to store, pushing and shoving their way through crowds, pulling items away from people, when did the holiday season become this? Maybe I've just never noticed this before but watching all of it just made my holiday spirit go right out the window. I've tried but I just can't seem to change it this year.

I've also been thinking a lot about my grandmother lately. I don't know why I all of a sudden started thinking about her. She passed away when I was probably 11 or 12 so I don't know why I've started thinking about her. I've actually been wondering if she'd be proud of where I'm at now in my life. I'm sure she would be. Also when we got robbed earlier this year, one of the things that was taken was a necklace that was given to me by my grandfather. It was the year my grandma passed away and for my birthday that year he gave me the necklace and told me she had bought it for me before she passed away. Every time I missed her I put the necklace on. I didn't wear it all that often as I got older, but just seeing it there in my jewelry box reminded me of the person she was and how much she loved me. I knew she was watching over me. Now that it's gone...I feel as though she's so much further away. I often wonder if at some point I'll forget about her and the way she smells or the kind of person she is. Things that I remembered for so long after she died.

But as the New Year approaches I'm hoping it'll bring new challenges for me and hopefully a new job as well as the same love I've been experiencing from my family, friends and boyfriend. That would be the perfect year.

Sitting here...

2007-12-09T16:55:00.001-05:00

So I'm just sitting here...and thinking. It's almost 5 p.m. on Sunday evening and I just finished a mini-crying break. I'm an emtional person and as I say sometimes you just need to cry. I wish I didn't need to or that I could prevent other people from seeing that I need to. But no such luck.

This has been a weekend I have been looking forward to for a long time. I had my company Christmas party Saturday, open bar, great food and a DJ, it was definitely great. I do wish my mouth felt a little better. I'm back on my pain pills and it's throbbing again and I don't know why, but the weekend was set to be amazing.

Today was my alumni brunch and it was great getting to see friends and meet some new people and have some great food. The best part about the entire weekend was I got to do it all with Rich, which makes me happy. The only time I am happy lately is when I get to be with him, outside of work. We also went Christmas shopping after the brunch, which was also great.

So why the crying? Well Rich left about a half hour ago, and yeah I don't like that, but that's not what upset me. It's something he said as we were driving home from the mall. His dad is not happy with him spending all this money in gas to come up here to work...or see me. This coming Friday he said he would come up here and we would go out shopping so he could do some more of his Christmas shopping, but then he got to talking about his dad and said he could go up to Albany to do his shopping since it is a little bit closer. Of course I said he didn't have to come up here if he didn't want to...but what kind of girlfriend makes her boyfried go somewhere he wouldn't want to go. I was hoping that not seeing me all week would make him want to come up here to see me...especially since Saturday I'm gonna be in a pissyass mood because I'm on the air for 6 hours and his ass is gonna be in a damn production room anyway so I'm not even going to see him or spend time with him. Guess not.

I hate being like this because it makes me feel that I'm being too clingy or needy and that a good girlfriend would let her boyfriend do whatever he wanted. I can't help it. He work as much as me now and he never gets online when he gets home and I sit here looking like an idiot waiting for him so I can talk to him for a half hour before I go to bed. And when I don't get to talk to him I get upset and he doesn't understand why. *sigh* Now I gave myself a headache and made my mouth hurt again so I'm going to go take some drugs, eat some dinner, drink some coffee, and get ready to head out for the evening to get my mind off of Rich.

Did I mention the only time I'm happy is when I'm with him *sigh* No one ever said this would be easy.

What is it?

2007-12-06T20:38:00.000-05:00

So if you know me at all you know I love Christmas. Love everything about it, always have. This year...not so much. I just can't get in the Christmas spirit as much as I usually do. It's been a very different year for me. It's also flown by and there have been so many changes for me.

There's something about thinking about the holiday that usually makes me smile and happy, but then I go out. People seem to have forgotten about what this time of year actually represents. They are hustling and bustling around the stores shopping for Christmas gifts or decorations, they are in a hurry in parking lots honking horns at people who are crossing or "in their way." They seem to have forgotten that this time of year is not about the shopping or the getting gifts or sending Chistmas cards or running to the post office to mail packages. I get so irritated with people pushing me in the stores or running to get that last item on the shelf of that "popular" gift for the year. I could just stand there and look around in amazement that anyone could be like that.

Yeah I'm a religious person so maybe that's why it hasn't escaped me that the word CHRIST is in Christmas for a reason. I won't go on a religious speal or anything, but He is the reason we celebrate this time of year. I wish some more people would realize that it's not about that important toy or giving your kids or grandkids hundreds of gifts.

I love shopping for people, I love giving the people I love what they want and watching their faces light up, but this year just seems to be different then most times. I still get the people I love those great gifts that they want, but I don't seem to be shopping with a smile lately because I have to run into those people that expect you to move out of their way or bend over backwards to make their shopping experience great.

I think the lack of Christmas spirit this year just comes from the irritation that people don't recognize what should be recognized this time of year. The fact that I don't get to spend the holiday with everyone I love...again...might also have something to do with it.

As the holiday approaches we'll see if I can try to increase some of this Chrstmas spirit.

Well...

2007-11-11T18:46:00.001-05:00

So I'm getting fed up.

It's not what you might think. Work has actually been really good lately. My family has been fine...what's that leave? Yeah...you figure it out.

I can come home happy from work now...tired but nonetheless happy. Then when I try to share that with someone it just upsets me because sometimes it seems as if he doesn't care. Yeah he has his own stuff going on too...now more then ever with the new job, but I'm busy with my full time job and my part time job, yet I still make time to talk to him EVERYDAY, but he claims he's busy or he has to go do this or that, yeah thanks for making time for me, your girlfriend. I keep telling myself I'll give him a taste of his own medicine by not logging on line sometime to talk to him, but I can't because I actually want to talk to him. I guess that doesn't swing both ways though. Yet he doesn't seem to get it.

I talk to friends about it and they have some good advice in most cases, but in others they don't know what to do. I wish it didn't irritate me and upset me so much when he pulls this shit, but it does and I end up crying myself to sleep. That's healthy right? I know it's a guy thing, they obviously need their space and time away, fine, but we get all week away from each other because, well, apparently it's up to me to find time to spend together.

Here I go again, upset and alone, what's new there? You know it's kinda funny. This post was originally going to be about how I was actually happy for once spending almost all day with him yesterday, but how things change when yet again he's too busy to talk to me. Yet I always forgive him. Why? I know I hate confrontation and usually our arguments are on line, which is a pain in the ass. Maybe we need to talk it out, but he can't be serious enough to do that. When I'm upset he makes a joke about it or something. He doesn't get it. Yeah, sometimes it's good to laugh, but sometimes I want him to be serious. But when I get upset at him he makes me feel so freaking bad that I end up forgiving him. Maybe I'm out of line for getting upset but I think sometimes I have good reason to get upset.

If only this post would change anything...at least I feel a litle better after talking about it...if only...

Why?

2007-10-31T21:56:00.000-04:00

Why can't I put anything behind me? Why do I have to over analyze every little thing? Why does it hurt so much when it's supposed to be the greatest feeling in the world? Why does it keep getting harder and harder with each passing day? Why can't I make it through a week without breaking down in tears? Why can't I fall asleep without crying myself to sleep lately? Why does no one understand how important some things are to me? Why do I set my priorities so much differently? Why do I curl up alone every night and think about what could of been? Why is it hard for me to open up to the people I care about? Why can't they just see?

And most of all...why can't I just be happy?

Admit it...some people don't make it so easy...

Obsessed?

2007-10-26T15:47:00.000-04:00

Well there's been some debate whether or not I'm obsessed with this new Carrie Underwood CD.

Definition of obsessed: Verb: To have the mind excessively preoccupied with a single emotion or topic.

Ok so maybe seeing as how many of my posts lately have revolved around Carrie you might say "yeah she's more then obsessed." And maybe you might say that I have listened to her new CD 7 times in the past 2 1/2 days that yeah I must be obsessed. Or possibly you're thinking that since her songs have been in my head for the past couple days that I am over the top obsessed.

Well I'll have you know that I am a "dedicated Carrie fan"...as Rich pointed out...although the next day he did point out that he thought I was a little obsessed. Well I am going to share with you the reason this CD is amazing and that I know most of the words to most of the songs. How can you resist the sound of Carrie and the message she sends? I know I'll make Rich listen to it at some point. :) He can't get out of this one...lol...but a few lyrics below, although you can't put any context behind it without the actual song there, but listen to some of these words, it's just awesome!! And so what if I am obsessed? I'm ok with it!!

"I'm flat on the floor with my head down low, where the sky can't rain on me anymore, don't knock on my door 'cause I won't come, I'm hiding from the storm till the damage gets done."

"Now he's wrapped around her finger, she's the center of his whole world, and his heart belongs to that sweet little, beautiful, wonderful, perfect, all-american girl."

"Let's get out of this town tonight, nothing but dust in the shadows, gone by the morning light somewhere, we won't ever get caught, ever be found, baby, let's get out of this town."

"And I don't even know his last name, my mama would be so ashambed, it started off 'hey cutie where ya from,' and then it turned into 'oh no what have I done,' and I don't even know his last name."

"You can hold any girl that you like, fall in love when it's easy at night, but you'll wake up wondering why, she ain't ever something better, when you're lost and you've run out of road, find what I already know, in the end, close is all there is."

"It's not like I'm not trying, 'cause I'll give anyone a shot once, and I close my eyes, and I kiss that frog, each time finding, the more boys I meet, the more I love my dog."

So those are just a few of the wonderful songs on this CD...my favorite you ask? While I'm addicted to "All-American Girl," "So Small," and "Just A Dream," but they by far aren't the only great songs on that CD!! So buy it!! That's my plea to the world, enjoy it as much as I am!! And now I'm out...probably to listen to it some more :)

Comments

2007-10-24T15:55:00.000-04:00

So in my life lately I don't have many things to look forward to. That's my problem. When I finally do get something to look forward to, it seems like my plants get screwed up anyway. That happened again for next weekend, so I'm back to wondering how I'm going to make it through the next few weeks. That was carrying on and now today dragged on and on because again...that's right...nothing to look forward to. However over the past few weeks I have had the chance to look forward to Carrie Underwood's new CD "Carnival Ride," which came out yesterday. I had pre-ordered it off of Amazon and it came today, one day after the release, which is not too bad. Within two minutes of me getting home and finding out I got the CD, I put it into my computer to listen to it and an hour later, it was over :) So now it will be a permanent fixture in my car CD player, at least until something better comes along (which won't happen) or I get tired of it (which rarely happens). I haven't been this excited about a CD coming out since my boy band phase when I was obsessed with NSync. I waited in line for those CDs.

Anyway I really don't have much else to say other then I'm trying to find plans for next weekend since I took the whole freaking weekend off from work...for a reason. But oh well, I have some friends that have said they'll do something with me and my mom, dad and I may go shopping as well. Maybe I'll get drunk next Saturday to make myself feel a little more normal and needed. I guess it doesn't really matter anymore anyway...later...

Another Week

2007-10-19T17:10:00.001-04:00

So here I am on a Friday evening (or afternoon depending on how you look at it), and in a not so bad mood. Not looking forward to my weekend. I'm working long hours on Saturday and Rich is gonna be gone :( I have no idea what I'm gonna do. My sister and her boyfriend are coming in from Massachusetts tonight actually and spending the weekend helping my dad put in insulation in the attic. Fun fun, maybe it's a good thing I'm working or I'd have to help...lol.

But it was a pretty good week here. Some irritating people as usual, but I'm trying to keep my mood up. I'm tired of being down all the time, so I'm really trying. It's so hard when all I do is work all the time. If only I could have some downtime or time to spend with people I love. But I don't...and that's my life right now, so I guess I have to learn to accept it. You know it's kinda funny...when I was in high school and growing up I used to always says my career would come before a guy or before love, and all that stuff. I was set on being the "career woman," wow how things can change. Guess it depends on who you meet and what they mean to you. But still I have to focus on my career, but I would like to split that up a little, not working too well. I only have so many hours in a day. Guess it doesn't matter quite as much since Rich isn't up here most of the time anyway. Then I focus on my job to stop thinking about how much I miss him.

Anyway if you have suggestions on time management I would love to hear it!! Let me know how to juggle a full-time job, a part-time job, night meetings, a boyfriend, family, and friends...not that easy...lol. I try, but seriously 24 hours in a day, with about 7 or 8 of them sleeping...doesn't make it too easy. So let me know. Hi-Ho it's off to work I go...again...

Post #100

2007-10-13T09:12:00.001-04:00

Yeah so I just had to put that as the title because it is officially the 100th post that I've put up...so there :)

It is Saturday. Yesterday was a good day compared to the rest of the week. Got another compliment from my editor...it only seems to happen when I'm filling in as editor. But my head only seems to hurt when I'm filling in as editor and have all that stress associated with my weeks. Maybe that's why yesterday was good because it was my last day filling in and because the editor gave me a major compliment about the way I did over the week. Even though I had to work Friday night, I wasn't totally opposed to going in.

I'm also on weekend photos, one thing today and one thing tomorrow to cover. Sometimes I actually prefer being on weekend photos then being on the radio on the weekend because I actually get to spend time with Rich away from the station. I need that once in awhile.

So Christmas is maybe 70 days away or something. I've started my Christmas shopping and am now officially listening to Christmas music in the car :) I'm a geek I know...a couple years ago I started listening to Christmas music in June...so this year it's not too bad. I'm a Christmas fan, what else can I say? I love everything about the holidays. I love putting the Christmas lights up outside, I love putting the tree up, I love the way the snow looks on the ground (if only we didn't have to drive in it), I love the spirit associated with it, I love spending time with the people I love, and most of all I love the meaning of Christmas. It always puts me in a festive and good mood. I just have to make sure that all actually happens this year. I need all the spirit and love associated with the holidays to keep me in a good mood. Guess that's my speal on the holidays for this post.

What else? Nothing that I can think of...hmm...guess I have to go get ready for the day ahead.

Oh yeah, Go Cowboys!! Still undefeated!! :)

Maybe if I had 45 hours in a day...

2007-10-09T20:17:00.000-04:00

So I'm editor this week at the paper. Typically this weeks are better and sometimes go by faster. And I don't have to come up with two stories a day. However, the publisher decided it would be fun to tell my editor to have me do a story in a day for Breast Cancer Awareness Month and a tab we're putting out this week on it. It's due tomorrow by noon. I couldn't get ahold of the person I need to talk to for the story so my editor and I both think the publisher is insane. I won't have time in the morning to do it with me being editor and trying to get pages put out by deadline. Ugh...why me?

I've been thinking about a vacation...yes again. I know the holidays are on their way, and for once I have them off. I will have Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years off. I've told the boss at the station I can't work, and I get them off from the paper anyway. All I wanna do is be able to spend time with Rich...but yet again...I know that won't happen. He's working most of the time. It sucks to not be able to spend time with the people you love on the holidays. My older sister most likely isn't coming home for Christmas again either this year...that's like the 3rd or 4th year in a row...it sucks!! But what I really want to do is take a vacation, either by myself or something, to clear my head. I need to take time away from my family, away from work, and even to some extent away from Rich. I'm getting irritated with a lot of things really easily. Soon I'll end up saying something I'm going to regret.

I keep telling myself that God doesn't put more on my plate then I can handle at one time...so why is this so difficult for me? I have a full-time job, a part-time job, a boyfriend, friends, and family to juggle each and every day. Some days are easier then others depending on what one thing does to irritate me. I need to find more ballance in my life, but I have no idea how. That's what I'm trying to work out. Easier said then done.

Thoughts

2007-10-04T18:16:00.000-04:00

So I don't talk about my feelings often. I blame that on middle child syndrome. If you're a middle child you know exactly what I'm talking about. The older sibling gets attention because they have all the firsts, the youngest sibling gets all the attention because they are the baby, and that leaves the middle child there saying "what about me?" Your firsts were never as important and everything you did to try to sabotage the younger sibling because they got the attention got noticed just because of that, and of course, the middle child always got in trouble!! So I learned to hold back. I'd go in my room and sit on my bed with one of my stuffed animals and my blanket and I'd cry it out. That's probably one of the reasons why I'm so emotional as well. The littlest thing can set me off, but I don't talk it out. Never have. Then I hear on the news a new study that says people that don't let their anger out and argue with the person they are having a problem with, are more likely to die from a medical condition...oh good...as if I didn't have enough to worry about.

I recall the day my grandmother died. I was only 12 or so, so it was hard to handle. My grandmother was my best friend. I spent nights over at their apartment and we used to do arts and crafts together after school because they lived right around the corner from the elementary school. I had so much fun. It was one time I could always count on to feel like I was totally and completely loved. She had asthma and was very sick. She was in the hospital off and on for the last few years before she died. She wouldn't let me or my two sisters see her when she was like that in the hospital. Then the inevitable happened and she passed away. I cried. I cried for hours on end in my room. I cried non-stop at the funeral. When I get to thinking about her I'll cry again...you know sometimes you just need a good cry. It's all a blur to me now. I hate that I'm forgetting her to some extent. I still have pictures and remember her. She was an artist and we have paintings she did hanging in the house, but it's not the same. I can't remember her smell anymore or the hug she used to give. It feels like she grows further and further away with each day. I know she doesn't, I know she's still in my heart and still watching me and hopefully smiling at what I've decided to do with my life.

What hurts just as much is that my grandfather moved on so fast and got married again and moved away. Now we don't see him except on special occasions, we don't hear from him unless something is wrong, and now I feel like a stranger to him. I guess we were never that close anyway. He disapproves of everything his grandchildren do with their lives. So we just don't talk to him that often. I keep wondering how much longer he has because he has a lot of health problems too. I dread the day we get that phone call. I kinda think that won't be too soon though because he is very stubborn in that way...lol.

I've always written down my feelings, ie: this blog or my fiction stories, and I don't get to do that as much anymore. I try to keep up on the blog, but the stories I don't do anymore. Pretty much because I write all day at work and I just don't feel like it when I get home. While I'm gonna try to start that again. Maybe it'll cheer me up when I can come home and just type. Talk about what's bothering me in something only I can read and keep track of. Getting everything out typically makes me feel a little better.

Contrary to what many people think I do try to be in a good mood. But once one thing ticks me off, that's it...the day goes completely downhill from there. Usually it's my editors fault...but what can I do? I can't call him an ass hole to his face, so I did today when I was in the ladies room...lol...he deserved it.

But anyway I really do try. Days suck when I have to go to work and come home and go to work again. I never get to spend time with the ones I love or spend time doing something for myself. Anyway, just some thoughts on the day...

Ramblings

2007-09-30T10:50:00.000-04:00

I guess I get what I deserve. I put myself through it week after week. I let myself get so upset and worked up about everything. Why for just one week can I not be totally and completely happy? The weekends I ususally look forward to, now they're just getting as bad as the week. Maybe I overanalyze everything. Maybe I'm being a little bit selfish. Maybe I need to start seriously thinking about what makes me happy in life. Not too many things step up to the challenge there anymore.

My life revolves around work. As much as I hate that, I can't change that right now. I can't afford to change that right now. There's other people who's lives do not revolve around work, but lately they don't seem to revolve around me either. Nothing I can do will change that because it is what it is.

My friends are the greatest people in the entire world. I think there's only one that I keep in contact with from high school but she's always there when I need her and vice versa. The friends I made in college are constantly there when I need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. I just wish I had more time to see the people who truly and honestly care about me.

Everyone has priorities in their life. Whether they know that or not, people rate what they care about in order and sets a list of priorities. Sometimes it can be mentally and people may not even realize they have that list. However, people around realize what that list is just by watching and observing that person. My list is pretty simple. Of course after college the list changed for me because I no longer had schoolwork and such to mark as a priority. Work has always been one of my top priorities because I'm in this field and to advance I have to work hard and network with people who can help move me up that ladder. When I was in my second year of college I started working at Lite, and that jumped to the top of my list because I love to do it, that hasn't changed in the four years I've been working there. I remember saying many years ago in high school and college to my friends that my career would always come before any guy. I felt establishing myself in a career was more important then having some guy. As you can imagine that idea may change when you do in fact meet a guy. As it did for me. Rich quickly jumped to the top of my priorities because he always seemed to help me when I needed it and always seemed to be there for me. A year and a half later, I'm in love more then I thought possible, and I've realized that his set of priorities is different then mine. Maybe it's because he's so much older then me and had many more experiences then I have, but I had hoped that one thing would remain common. I guess I should have realized that he set his list of priorities awhile ago, and that's where they'll stay...

Just my ramblings for a Sunday morning, some things I needed to get out I guess...

Yeah...who really cares?

2007-09-29T11:10:00.001-04:00

So I guess by the title of this you're wondering what my problem is? Well I have many lately. Some I can't expess because of the people that read this, or will happen to read this.

However the major problem is I'm sick. Not sick in the typical meaning of the word, but I'm suffering a major cold and it's making me totally miserable. I'm not one to typically complain when I'm not feeling well, but man this is harsh. I don't have time to be sick. I work a gazillion hours in a day, and weekends, and I don't have time to feel like this. My nose is running constantly and when I blow it I can't get anything out, hate that feeling. My chest is so tight and full of crap, my head feels like it's 25 times to big, and my throat is throbbing which makes it hard to breathe. Yeah maybe now I'm complaining but that's only because I don't have time for this!! I catch every cold that ever makes it's way around and it's so freaking annoying. I am ready to just go into hibernation until everything is back to the way it's supposed to be.

Second problem, while I don't actually know when I'm going to see Rich today. I know I will at some point because he has to work, but when I actually see him it won't be for very long, and after the week I've had I just need...something. I don't even know what, maybe time off, maybe time with Rich away from work (which won't happen much anymore anyway), but I just don't know anymore. Enough on that subject I suppose.

I'll move on to the lighter side of music now...you know all the good CD's seem to come out at the same time, or around the same time, same with DVD's that I want. KT Tunstall just had a new CD come out, Rascal Flatts has a new CD out now, the Backstreet Boys are supposed to be coming out with a new one which I'd like, JC Chasez as well, yeah I'm still into the boy band side I suppose. The biggest one is Carrie Underwood's at the end of October!! That one I won't wait for, I'll get that one myself...lol. As for DVD's of course CSI and CSI: Miami will have their last seasons out probably in the end of October. So yeah, Christmas is looking pretty busy this year...lol. But I just wonder how all the good artists come out with things at the same time, maybe they are doing it close to Christmas on purpose, that would make sense. Guess I answered my own question.

Well my sister is on the phone so I'm gonna wrap this one up and go breathe into the phone to give her my cold, ok maybe that won't work, but i guess it's worth a shot 'huh?

Does it look like I have 48 hours in a day?

2007-09-21T11:51:00.000-04:00

So work is pissing me off...yes I know what you're thinking, what's new? Yeah yeah...this time is different though. My editor has been busy working on special tabs for the paper...he's had like 5 of them to do this week alone, so I understand him being stressed and not able to do as much as he usually does. And typically I don't mind helping out, but this time was different. I had to do a couple pages this week on deadline, which we never actually made this week anyway. In addition to that, they wanted me to do some extra ones, so I did the entertainment page, the valley page, and the business page, then I was asked to do the people page, in what time? In addition to all this I needed to make some phone calls and do interviews, cover night meetings, write two stories for each day. So I didn't actually do the page, and I'm sure I'll hear about it tonight when I have to go back into work. I don't even make enough money to do my own job, let alone take on this extra responsibility of putting together pages. I'm ready to just say "screw you" and walk out on them. I know I can't, but I'm only one person, unless they clone me, I can't do everything they expect me to do.

Ok, so now that I've worked myself up again and gotten upset, let's move on to a lighter subject...that still involves work though. I have a 3-day weekend!! I am so excited!! I know I've only been back to work for 2 weeks after my week-long vacation but after this week I really need to rejuvanate, I'm hoping the extra day will do that to me. Plus I get to spend it with Rich...so I'm sure that'll make it even better.

Speaking of Rich, I get to see him today too!! It's gonna be four days in a row!! Maybe that'll be the rejuvanation I need. Plus tomorrow after my shift at Lite I'm going out with a friend who I never get to go out with, so it's gonna be a good couple of days I hope!! *crosses fingers*

Update from the last post, feeling better then I was...damn allergies are still bugging the hell out of me, but the mood was better...until the past couple of days. I'm wondering how much longer I can take all this, maybe after the long weekend I'll be able to handle it a little more...I'll keep you posted.

Is there something wrong?

2007-09-16T01:11:00.000-04:00

So it's past 1 in the morning and here I sit at my computer in my house, after just saying goodbye to Rich at the station. Not a big deal, right? But why do I come home and get online to post a blog? Especially since I was up at 7:30 this morning and 5 every morning this past week and have to get up semi-early tomorrow to work yet again...well the answer is complicated. One...I'm not tired, took a 2 hour nap today when Rich went to work. Two...I don't feel good. Three...I'm kinda down in the dumps. Let me explain.

So I had to drive about an hour today to a snowbash thing going on for the paper, had to take pictures and talk to people and all that fun stuff. It was cold, and it was raining, and I was completely miserable. When I left I was freezing and my ass was totally wet from the rain, despite me having my umbrella with me. Then I had to drive another hour to go to a Veteran Appreciation Day ceremony, which was really cool. It was still cold, but not as rainy and a little bit warmer I think. By the time I got home I was just plain miserable.

Then after two weeks I had the chance to go out with Rich again. Something that is typically very rare anyway. Usually when we get the chance to see each other, we're at work and can't do anything, or no one has money to do anything. We went mini-golfing to a new inside mini-golf place, which was ok, but very loud and crowded. I think we tied as far as scores.

So then he had to go to work and that's when I took my 2 hour nap, very nice I might add. I woke up and was freezing but felt more well rested. Then I had to go to the station to voicetrack for my Monday overnight shift. I did my show prep and voicetracked and then it was time for Rich to leave. It's the part that I never look forward to. Usually I know it's going to be at least a week before I get to see him again. Yeah he might do some fill-ins down here during the week, but when do I actually have time to do anything besides work during the week? I'm getting to the point where I dread my work weeks. The pressure of having two stories each day is beginning to make me crack, not to mention everything else associated with it...the long hours, the very low pay...is it at all worth it? I'm beginning to wonder.

Anyway, moving on...my nose has been running all night, could be associated with my allergies but I don't know. I've been freezing too. It has been cold today, only a high of like 57 or so, so maybe that's it, but I wonder if being out in the rain and cold today gave me a cold? ugh...man I hope not. My mom said a respitory infection thing is going around and her work and I catch everything that goes around so I really hope that that doesn't decide to grace me with its prescence as well.

The final thought I had for the day was it feels like there's more of goodbye then there is of actually seeing him. *sigh* Why is life so unfair sometimes? I'm beginning to wonder what the big master plan is for me. I guess at some time, hopefully in the near future, we'll see.

Birthday

2007-09-14T17:59:00.000-04:00

So it's the day after my birthday and if you read my last post you're probably wondering if I had a half-way decent day. Well I really did, for the most part. Got wonderful birthday wishes from many people. Even though I had to work, it wasn't bad. I had the night off so I went in to do my voicetracking and came home, ate dinner (chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, carrots), opened presents, and had cake. It was almost a perfect day...Almost.

I wonder sometimes why I can't stand my ground. Why I can go to my room and get pissed and talk about things that are bothering me, but I can't stand up to people. I prioritized my life a long time ago, where work always took the forefront before anything else, but in the recent year or so those priorities began to change. I found an amazing guy, graduated college and got my first full-time job, started paying my student loans, the changes keep piling on and yes the stress is there, and maybe my attitude can sometimes be blamed on that, but I've also determined I want more. Maybe not just more out of life, but more out of everything. I just wish some other people would change their priorities, because I'm starting to get tired of being left behind or feeling like I'm not needed.

Is it asking too much to want some time? Yes a journalist never has time. They cover everything and anything that needs to be covered, but even when I have down time is it too much to want to get away and do something else? I don't do that though. Who do I have to go out with anymore? I have a few close friends but most don't live very close so I can't just get up and go out and have a drink...and talk.

So anyway, that's my rant for the day after my birthday and here's another, I'm off to work for the night :( *sigh* sometimes I just don't know what to do anymore, any suggestions?

Birthday week...

2007-09-09T21:19:00.000-04:00

So it's my birthday week and this is a really short one. I'm in a crappy mood even though I just got back from vacation.

I'm in pain, I'm cranky, and I don't wanna go back to work.

My birthday's on Thursday, which I always get excited about, but this week, not so much. I get a nice birthday dinner and my gifts and a cake, and spend the day with my family, but not the person I want to spend it with. Oh well, life goes on and then you die...yes I did mention I'm cranky.

And that's all I have to say today...

Vacation

2007-08-30T20:39:00.000-04:00

So it's 8:40 in the evening the night before we leave on vacation and a few things keep running through my mind. I'm a little anxious about calling in sick to work tomorrow, I hate doing that, no matter what happens. They can't say much though, I'm gonna be sick tomorrow...lol. Second, I'm anxious about the drive, which I always get a little nervous about. Then I can't stop thinking about Rich. Yeah, I'm gonna be gone only a week, but I can't stand being away for a day, how am I gonna last like two weeks without him? I don't know. I know I'll make it, I always do, but to not be able to hug him and kiss him? It just sucks.

I am looking forward to being away from here for a week though. Sometimes you just have to get away. As they say distance brings people closer...yeah right...sure...lol.

So I probably will check in again the following week after I get back from vacation, just to warn ya :)

Ok, so I saw Carrie Underwood in concert for the second time in two years last Sunday. She was with Rodney Atkins at the New York State Fair, and both were amazing performances!! She is the one artist I will pay to see over and over again. My throat was a touch sore the following day from the screaming and I was on five hours of sleep to go to work that day, but it's all worth it to see her. She's the only past American Idol contestant I have ever voted for. I can't wait for her newest CD at the end of October.

Anyway, vacation time is awaiting...need to get my sleep. Have a wonderful week!!

A day...that's all it is...

2007-08-19T11:37:00.000-04:00

So...yesterday I was having one of those days. You know, I love weekends. For one, I don't have to work an 8 hour day at the paper, for two I get to typically see Rich. Sometimes spend time with him outside of work, sometimes not, but either way, I love just being able to see him. Then the time goes where it's time to go our seperate ways. It always sucks, having to say goodbye and not sure when we're gonna see each other again. Yeah...probably the next Saturday, but it still sucks. Sometimes it hurts to just talk to him on the computer because it's not the same, but oh well, another sucky week on the way. So where'd my good attitude go? Home with Rich :( I'll be ok again by tomorrow, but Sunday's are hard. I don't know what else to do...

No :(

2007-08-18T22:17:00.000-04:00

All I'm going to say is it's not going to be as easy as I thought...I don't know how much more I can take...

Day #1

2007-08-17T14:19:00.000-04:00

So I guess this is technically day #1 of the new me. I don't feel different, lol. What a day to start this. Friday's are usually ok in the morning because I get out at 11 and don't have to worry about anything else, but I still have to go in later tonight, and that's when my mood starts to go down. Around 4:00 or so knowing that in a few hours I'm headed back in. I hate working Friday nights. However, I'm gonna try to change that attitude. Yes I have to work, but in one week is my Carrie concert, in two weeks is my vacation, and even better, tomorrow I get to see Rich. Not for nearly long enough but what would my life be like if I got everything I wanted? Oh yeah...pretty damn good.

So yeah...what a day.

Moving on however, my mom is turning 50 next year!! The big 5-0...and for my dad's 50th we did a huge party for him, of course I was the DJ, so my dad and I have been talking and we want to do something for my mom too. That's where I come in, I do powerpoint presentations...they take months to put together, scanning pictures, editing music, putting together the presentation. But they come out really nice. I've done three so far. The first one my mom and I did together for my dad's 50th birthday. I did the music, she did the presentation. Then for my older sisters college graduation I did one all by myself for her, and the third was for my little sister's high school graduation. I love doing those. Wish I could go into business doing it, but the equipment and time would consume it all and if I wasn't sure how much money would come in on it, it's not worth it yet. I think people would really get into it though. They're are so much fun to put together. Anyway, any great suggestions to make my mom's totally awesome? Like better then all the others? lol. Her birthday's not until next August (yes she just had it) but with work, I don't know how much time it'll take me to put it together, so I thought I'd start early. So if you have suggestions, definitely let me know!! What about a theme for the party? For my dad's we did the "it's a boy" theme, you know like all blue and kids things, like a baby shower type thing. So we need to come up with something awesome. Let's put our heads together *ouch* that had to hurt...hehe...ok, anyway, just leave some ideas!! I'll keep ya updated on the development of the party ideas!!

So what now? I'm bored..hmm...guess I'm off to find something good to do. Day #1 is going ok :)

Revelation

2007-08-16T15:47:00.000-04:00

So here I am...another day kinda behind me. Not really, still have to go voicetrack the overnight and then going to a village board meeting tonight before Big Brother at 8...don't know if I'll be home in time for that though.

Anyway, I did some thinking yesterday and think I came up with something. I need to start to take control of my life. Nothing is going to change unless I want it to change. If I don't like my job well it's time to start doing something about it. If I'm not happy with myself it's time to start doing something to change that. If I don't feel good then it's time to look at why that's the case and what I can do to change it.

So I started doing that today. Well, technically yesterday. I e-mailed the guy from the OD and set up kind of a "phone interview" type thing. I'm calling hime tomorrow after I get home from work. That's the first part. I start excercising again and I wore a skirt for the first time to work, and believe it or not I had a good day. The editor interviewed someone else for the open reporter job, and him and I got along really good today. So I'm doing ok right now. I'm going to try to change myself...gradually...but nonetheless change. I want to be a happier more active person. Not someone who just works and sleeps...although work does consume many hours in my days lately. I need to stop relying on people or expecting anything from people, when I'm capable of doing things myself. I can be independent too! lol.

So what brought on this sudden change? Well...two people actually. They probably don't know it, but my mom flipped out yesterday at me and my sister. As much as it hurts when she gets like that, she made some sort of sense in a weird type of way. Then it was Rich...so he's reading this going what? :) (Am I right?) lol...but yeah, I'm not going into too much detail but I know he can get upset/irritated with me when I rant about things, maybe not even that...but he gets irritated with me. It's not worth losing someone I care deeply about. The last thing I want is to push anyone away, so I'm going to try to change my attitude.

I know I know...easier said then done, but we'll see and I'll keep ya updated :) Hope you have a wonderful day!!

Remember Me This Way...

2007-08-14T21:34:00.000-04:00

"Remember Me This Way" from the movie Casper...if you were meant to get this you will...you know who you are...

Every now and then We find a special friend Who never lets us down Who understands it all Reaches out each time you fall You're the best friend that I've found I know you can't stay But part of you will never ever go away Your heart will stay

I'll make a wish for you And hope it will come true That life will just be kind To such a gentle mind If you lose your way Think back on yesterday Remember me this way Remember me this way

I don't need eyes to see The love you bring to me No matter where I go And I know that you'll be there Forever more a part of me You're everywhere I'll always care

I'll make a wish for you And hope it will come true That life will just be kind To such a gentle mind If you lose your way Think back on yesterday Remember me this way Remember me this way

And I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you I'll be standing by your side in all you do And I won't ever leave As long as you believe You just believe

I'll make a wish for you And hope it will come true That life will just be kind To such a gentle mind If you lose your way Think back on yesterday Remember me this way Remember me this way This way

So Small

2007-07-31T15:41:00.000-04:00

So Carrie released her new single yesterday...it's called "So Small" and of couse being that I am a Carrie fan it's obvious I'm going to love anything that has her name attached to it, but when I heard the song it was different. It's so true, and if you know me at all you know that it fits me almost perfectly. It brings tears to my eyes...so even though you can't take a listen to it right here and here how it's supposed to, take a look at the lyrics...beautiful...

What you got if you aint got love? The kind that you just wanna give away It's okay to open up Go ahead and let the light shine through I know it's hard on a rainy day You wanna shut the world out And just be left alone Don't run out on your dreams

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing Is just a grain of sand What you've been out there searching for forever, Is in your hands When you figure out love is all that matters, after all It sure makes everything else Seem so small

So easy to get lost inside A problem that seems so big, at the time It's like a river that's so wide And swallows you whole While you sittin round thinking about what you can't change And worryin' about all the wrong things Time's flying by, moving so fast Better make it count, cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing Is just a grain of sand What you've been out there searchin for forever Is in your hands Oh, When you figure out love is all that matters after all It sure makes everything else Seem so small

Stress...

2007-07-22T20:29:00.001-04:00

So I told you I'd try to check in more often...how am I don't so far? lol...well a lot has been going on with me lately...mainly stress related. Haven't been feeling well lately and the only un-related stress item in my life is hardly ever around...and it gets kinda iritating that I can't get what I want at times. It feels like I'm not supposed to or something. Or it's a trial on my part to see how I will deal with it. Anyway, with all this stress and wicked headaches I have been trying to come up with things to do to de-stress me, since my stress-reliever is hardly around. So came across this article, stress is a growing trend among people so this might help you as well, wanted to share it with you. It's from Ladies Home Journal...

What's Your Stress Weak Spot? By: Susan Seliger

Unless, perhaps, you make your permanent home on a beach in Tahiti, stress will affect your body sooner or later. But it may not affect your body the same way it does someone else's. Each of us has a characteristic way of reacting to stress - our very own stress weak spot or place in the body where igns of stress first pop up.

One person may get indigestion under stress, another may have back pain. Some people react by getting a pounding headache or acne. Your particular stress weak spot has a number of possible sources. Genetics is one predisposing factor, says Kenneth R. Pelletier, Ph.D., a clinical professor or medicine at the University of Arizona School of Medicine. For example, you may have a family history of gastro-intestinal disease, heart disease or migraine. Or you might have habits that predispose you to experiencing stress in a particular spot, such as tensing your neck in a rigid position (which can cause a tension headaches.) Being out of shape might predispose you to feeling stress in the form of a backache.

These different health effects all stem from the flood of hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol, that your brain tells the body to release when you feel threatened. These speed up heart rate and breathing, constrict peripheral blood flow (in your hands and feet) and slow down digestion and immune functions so the body can fully devote itself to action, says Beverly Thorn, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Alabama. "Stress challenges all of our organ systems and eats away at our immune system."

A short-term stress response is healthy, unless you trigger it so often that your body has little chance to recover. Chronic stress results in the body breaking at its weakest spot first-like a chain giving way at is weakest link.

But people don't always make the connection between the pain they're feeling and the stress that caused it. When recurring headaches or backaches drive them to seek medical care and the physician can't find a physical cause, patients sometimes wind up being told, "It's all in your head," without being offered solutions to handle the stress triggers or the genuine pain they're in.

In fact, self-care solutions exist, through many are known chiefly to stress experts. The latest research shows that all of us can learn techniques that significantly reduce the physical and mental impact of stress as well as the release of stress hormones. What's more, these can be targeted to your individual stress weak point.

We asked stress experts to recommend doable remedies for the most common stress weak spots. Most of these techniques are twofers: They are effective not only in treating their primary target but also in causing stress throughout the body. None of them preclude resorting to physical remedies as well, such as taking aspirin for a headache. The more skillful you become with these stress-fighting techniques, the close you can get to a healthier, more pleasurable, stressless life.

Number 1: Stomach

Stress Symptoms: Queasiness, Heartburn, Abdominal pain, Diarrhea

When people see a doctor for GI (gastrointestinal) distress, chronic stress is frequently the underlying cause, says Wendy Warner, M.D., an ob-gyn in Langhorne, Pennsylvania, and president of the American Board of Holistic Medicine. Treating the pain won't solve the problem more than temporarily.

Your Stress Response: Stress hormones temporarily slow down digestion of food in the stomach, then increase the secretion of stomach acids. They also increase the speed at which food moves through the intestines. The result can be various upper GI complaints, increased inflammation of the stomach lining, diarrhea, or intestinal spasms that worse irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) or ulcerative colitis in those who have it. Stress hormones also make the body release glucose, which can raise blood sugar, especially if you already have increased insulin resistance. If this occurs repeatedly, it can bring on or aggravate diabetes.

Health Check: If you experience acute or chronic stomach distress, see a doctor to rule out a serious condition such as ulcers or heart disease.

Stress Relievers:

Yoga for IBS: Yoga has been shown to be effective in helping treat distress from IBS that can come about with chronic stress. In one study from the department of physiology of the All India Institute of Medical Sciences, in New Delhi, doing yoga poses plus right-nostril breathing twice a day was even more effective than conventional drug treatment for people with diarrhea resulting from IBS. One of the poses used in the study is shashankasana (sometimes called the hare of moon pose). To do this you can sit on the floor or bed, knees bent with your feet tucked under your buttocks, so you are sitting on the soles of your feet. Hold on to your ankles and bend forward while exhaling and let your forehead tourch the ground in front of you (while keeping your buttocks on your heels). Hold this position for as long as you feel comfortable, then slowly and gently come upright. Repeat 10 to 15 times.
Focused Meditation: Meditation can help reduce the symptoms of abdominal pain (bloating, gas and diarrhea) that can result from stomach distress, according to two studies at the Center for Stress and Anxiety Disorders at the University of Albany State University of New York. It can also potentially ease the discomfort of excess acid, says Dr. Thorn. Sit in a quiet place, breathe deeply and regularly, and repeat a simple calming phrase, over and over: My stomach feels warm and calm.

Number 2: Head

Stress Symptoms: Tension headaches, migraine headaches

Stress is one of the commonest triggers for both types of headaches. "I have migraines myself," says Dr. Thorn. "I was born with the predisposition for the blood vessels to squeeze shut and then dilate, which causes the headache pain. But stress is absolutely what starts the process." But you-not your genetic endowment-can have the final word. "Too often, people ignore the warning signals," insists Dr. Thorn. "They don't respond to the cues before they get out of control such as by taking a break or relaxing."

The same holds true for people who get tension headaches, Dr. Thorn says. They do nothing to counter the eyestrain, clenched jaw, teeth grinding at night or tightness in the head and neck that often precedes a painful tension headache.

Your Stress Response: If you get tension headaches, you probably tend to clench the teeth or tighten the muscles of the brow, jaw or eyes. For migraine sufferers, the blood vessel expansion that's part of the stress response causes the arteries in the head to spasm, resulting in severe pain, usually on one side of the head, negative response to light and/or noise and often nausea or vomiting.

Health Check: In rare cases when a headache comes on suddenly and is very severe - or doesn't go away - it could signal a stroke or brain tumor. Consult a doctor pronto. It's also the best way to get access to powerful medications to ease the pain.

Stress Relievers:

For tension headaches: Temple and Scalp Massage: At the first signs, breathe slowly and deeply, then place your thumbs on your cheekbones close to your ears and use your fingertips to gently apply pressure and rub the temples, advises Dale Grust, a licensed massage therapist in New Paltz, New York. Next, using firm pressure and a tiny circular motion, inche your fingertips along the base of your skull.
For migraines: Cool Head, Warm Hands: Dr. Pelletier recommends this autogenous technique: "Think of your limbs as heavy and warm and your forehead as cool." After training with a therapist and using bio-feedback equipment, many patients learn to relieve pain by redirecting blood flow from the brain and head to the arms and legs.

Number 3: Neck, Shoulders and Back

Stress Symptoms: Neck and shoulder tightness and pain, lower back pain.

Not all back pain is caused by stress. But stress makes nearly all back pain worse, Dr. Thorn says.

Your Stress Response: If you routinely tense the muscles surrounding your neck, shoulders and back when you're stressed out, you're a candidate for stress induced back pain. "When sitting, many people under stress tend to slump from the waist and hunch their shoulders," says Dr. Warner. "They walk and drive that way, too, and then they wounder why they get neck and shoulder tension and backaches." Try the following messures to counter the tendencies:

Stress Relievers:

Posture Adjustments: Correct your posture many times throughout the day. Gently stretch-shaking your head (yes and no) and rolling your shoulders forward and back. Cross and uncross your legs. Don't always sling your purse over the same shoulder. Shift your weight often when standing. Get up every 30 minutes to stretch or take a walk.
Chest-Muscle Strenghtening: Weak chest muscles make your back muscles tighten to compensate, says Dr. Warner. Do this exercise for your pecs several times a week: lie down. Hold a one to two-pound dumbbell in each hand with arms straight up in the air, palms forward, toward each other. Slowly lover your arms to chest level, then slowly raise them straight into the air again. Repeat 10 times.
Progressive Relaxation: Hunch your shoulders to tighten shoulder and neck muscles, hold for three seconds and release. Repeat five times. This works on the physiological fact that a muscle has to be tensed before it can be relaxed, says Dr. Pelletier.

Number 4: Skin and Hair

Stress Symptoms: Exzema, Acne, Hives, Hair loss, Dandruff or an itchy scalp

Although it is a link doctors often fail to make, stress is actually a major trigger of skin and hair problems.

Your Stress Response: When your brain registers a stress alarm, one effect is heightened sensitivity in every organ, including the skin. Unfortunately, if stress becomes chronic, it can spark a host of responses in susceptible indivudals, including inflammation, allergies and imbalances that lead to acne, rashes, hives and eczema. Inflammation affecting the scalp can produce dandruff and itchiness. And stress-induced hormone charges can cause hair loss.

Stress Releivers:

Visualization: Deep breathing while visualzing something cool can reduce blood flow and inflammation in that area, Dr. Pelletier advises. "Try imagining an ice-pack or a cool breeze or cool water flowing over the irritated skin," he says.
Skin-Soothing Excercises: Vigorous excercise encourages sweating, which can help clean out pores and stimulate blood circulation, another way to promote skin healing. It also stimulates the release of endorphins, which elevate mood and enable your entire body, including an overactive immune system, to calm down. "Excercise cures a lot of stress-related ills because it makes you feel good," says Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., founder of Mind Body Health Sciences and cofounder of the Claritas Institute for Interspiritual Inquiry.

Ok - that's the article, and if you're prone to stress like me, hopefully this will help you a bit. I don't know if it will help me or not, but I guess it's worth a shot.

Top 10

2007-07-19T21:07:00.000-04:00

Well I'm back again. Haven't felt well for about 2 weeks now. Can't call out of work because everyone is on vacation and it leaves me watching them all go andme just waiting waiting and waiting for my damn vacation in September. Anyway...found something here that I thought was interesting and thought I would share...kind of interesting... Top 10 "Bad" Things That Are Good For You

Number 10: Beer: The newest bad kid on the block, beer has long been overshadowed by its healthier alcoholic cousins. While no one's suggesting you switch that glass of antioxident-rich Pinot Noir for a tall glass of lager - there's still that beer gut to worry about - new research has suggested that moderate beer intake can actually improve cardiovascular function. Now if only a scientist will discover the health benefits of ballpark franks and chicken wings. Heaven. (Comment: Not a beer drinker, but hey whatever works)

Number 9: Anger: If you're one of those people who tends to bottle things up, only to explode...don't hold it in so long. Studies show that bursts of anger here and there are good for the health, and can be an even more effective coping mechanism than becoming afraid, irritated or disgusted. Anger, like the consumables in this list, however, is best in moderation: stay angry for long periods of time and you'll be plagued with a host of health issues, like blood pressur, sleep disorders and lung damage. (Comment: so maybe I souldn't bottle up my anger all the time? That one will be hard...I don't confront many people when I'm angry)

Number 8: Coffee: Java is one of the most debated substances around. Is it good for you? Is it bad for you? Both? The consensus, now anyways, seems to favor those who enjoy their morning jolt - unrelated studies claim coffee is a major source of antioxidants in our diet and can help lower your risk of diabetes. Something in the beans is also thought to ease the onset of irrhosis of the liver and pancreatitis, good news for those who like to party hard all night before their morning caffeine boost. (Comment: Coffee!! My life!!)

Number 7: LSD: We're definitely not in the business of advocating drug use. But check out this interesting science: In heavy drinkers, small doses of LSD have been thought to help bypass the rock-bottom stage of alcoholism and prevent relapses. These studies - some decades old - were done in closely monitored, clinical settings; many patients haven't had a drink in the many years since. It's an interesting finding that needs a lot more investigation, and not a remedy that should ever be tried at home. Meantime - and this may come as no surprise - a recent study of 36 volunteers who took an LSD-like drug in a lab setting had them reporting mystical experiences and behavior changes that lasted for weeks. (Comment: No LSD for me)

Number 6: Sunlight: Exposure to the sun's rays is necessary to survive, but can also kill you in gross, cancerous quantities. Asthmatics, at least, could benefit from measured doses of ultraviolet rays, according to scientists. Sunlight suppressed the immune reactions that cause asthma in some lab studies with mice and could be used to treat humans afflicted with the disease in the future. And sunlight - even if indirect, such as on a shaded porch - is known to boost the mood. Extra sunlight can help office workers avoid afternoon drowsiness, a recent study found. There's still no excuse to head outside and bake, however. (Comment: I love my sun!! Can be bad for me since I burn quite often, but sunlight is my friend)

Number 5: Maggots: They're creepy, slimy and altogether ooky, but maggots can save your life. These squirmy larvae are science's newest wonder-cure and were approved in 2003 as the Food and Drug Administration's only live medical device. Placed on serious wounds, maggots mimic their "wild" lifestyle and munch on bacteria and dead tissue, stimulating healing and helping to prevent infection. (Comment: That's just disturbing and disgusting on so many levels)

Number 4: Marijuana: It's medical, we swear! Marijuana, often associated with memory loss, is ironically now being hyped as a way to stave off the ultimate form of memory loss- Alzheimer's. Recent studies on mice suggest that anti-inflammatories found in the drug prevent the clumping of brain proteins, one major cause of the disease. So when should you start preventative therapy? We suggest waiting for the human studies to wrap up. (Comment: It really is supposed to help when you're in pain, even though it's not legal yet)

Number 3: Red Wine: A crucial ingredient in the diets of the world's heart-healthiest populations - like those Bordeaux-guzzling French - red win has long been known to have potent anti-cancer and artery-protecting benefits. The key, some studies indicate, is an antioxidant found specifically in the skin of red wine grapes, called resveratrol. The latest studies even link resveratrol to greater endurance, a reduction in gum disease and Alzheimer's. White wine, which is fermented after the skins are removed, is less beneficial according to some studies. (Comment: Wine is good...but I don't care for red wine, too dry)

Number 2: Chocolate: Chocolate lovers rejoice: study after study lately has touted the magical benefits of the indulgent treat, which is packed with the antioxidant flavonols that prevent certain cancers and keep your arteries from clogging. The most recent news? These powerful chemicals may even increase blood flow to the brain, warding off dementia. Just stick to the highest cocoa content possible - the bars packed with sugar don't help your health one bit. (Comment: Wish I could actually have chocolate)

Number 1: Sex: Scientists have found that the benefits of sex go beyond immediate, ahem, gratification and satisfying the goal of procreation. Besides the obvious evolutionary purposes, we can all take pleasure in the news that having sex is an easy way to reduce stress, lower cholesterol and improve circulation throughout the body. As if you needed another excuse. (Comment: Need I say anything? Stress reliever for sure!!)

Enough said...think it's all been said :)

Ramblings of a journalist/DJ

2007-07-15T21:23:00.000-04:00

Well its been a long time since I've written one of these, so I kinda just thought an update was needed. That's the general reason for this. I'm keeping way too busy working, and have kicked off another job search. I thought this was over after I got a full time job at the Telegram, but ask everyone around you and they will agree that I am extremely stressed and in need of time off yet again because I work twice as much as I'm home. It's insane. Probably most of it is because we are short a reporter and Eric (my fellow reporter) and me are stretching ourselves thin trying to cover all night meetings and events along with other important Herkimer County news. In addition to that, I'm working typically 6 days a week at the station since I'm the overnight voicetracker and I keep wondering if it's worth it. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the radio station, I have determined that's where my real passion lies. But I feel underappreciated in some sense. I know you're not in radio for the money, and that's fine, I don't do it for the money, but making minimum wage to me is insane! People working at fast food restaurants make more then me...tell me that's not wrong. That's been bothering me lately, maybe it's just because I'm there so much more now. I work a full day at the paper and have to go in to voicetrack the overnight. For the most part I'm just trying to keep my foot in the door at the station in case something happens to open up. So I'm stressed most of the time, tired all the time, and kinda snippy at most people most of the time. I've learned to keep my mouth shut lately 'cause if I don't I snap at people because I get irritated and upset for sometimes no reason at all. Maybe it's the fact that I have no way to unwind or no one to really turn to for comfort. I don't know what it could be...other then the fact that I am working way too much. I keep hearing 'you're young you can do it.' Well...to all those that will say that...I challenge you to work all day and only spend 3 or 4 hours, if that, at home, not including sleeping time. I just keep wondering why the hell I do it. I'm not happy anymore. I used to love to write. Now, I don't get to write for fun anymore because by the time I get home I've spent all day writing and I don't want to do it when I get home. I miss writing for fun. I unwind when I write...but at work it's full of stress and pressure having to come up with at least two stories a day, and if you don't you get a freaking disappointed look by the editor and you wanna say, 'why the hell don't you try to come up with a story when no one calls you back.' I've been talking to the reporter who left a couple months after I started and she sited the same thing as one reason she left. She told me to give it time and if I still feel like I need to leave, then do so. Well if they don't hire another reporter soon, I'm seriously thinking about it, hence the job search. Anyway, that's the reason I haven't checked in for more than a month...I'm way too busy working, but on the same note I'm trying to keep myself busy in some sense to keep my mind off other things (not going there)...anyway, these are the senseless ramblings of me...hopefully I'll start to check in more often.

tired

2007-06-03T09:06:00.000-04:00

The last thing I think of when I go to bed at night is what the next day holds. Good, bad, and otherwise. Usually I know it's going to be full of stress and longing to be somewhere else. This past week I have gotten into doing the editing side of things and have really started to like it. I miss the writing and covering things, so I'm glad to do that again. But a week of doing it isn't all that bad. However, sometimes I just wish things could be different. I could have enough time for me and the ones I love. I'm beginning to ask myself the question 'Why am I doing this to myself?' The answer to that is far from easy. I just want to feel needed and loved sometimes. I know there are people that care about me and want me to succeed, however I still have the feeling of longing and depression waiting for something, anything to help me feel a little bit better about myself. I love being able to laugh and smile and be happy. It doesn't happy often during the week. Maybe it's from the stress of each workday, maybe it's from people not caring enough about me, I don't know. I still feel the heat and the intensity of each passing day. I smile as the sun beats down on my face, I look up at the sky when the sun is covered by clouds and the rain starts to come down, I watch the flowers bloom under the spring weather. I take in everything and enjoy every second of it. You never know when it could be cut short. I'm a person who needs the physical, emotional and mental closeness of people to be able to make it through each day. Typically I go day to day doing just the motions. Just once I would like to have a week where I didn't have only 2 hours to spend at home, besides sleeping time. I'd like to feel like I'm worth something to someone. I'd like to not have so many things crammed into one week and lastly I'd like to figure out if what I'm doing right now is right for me. Not when it comes to work, but on a more personal level. Should I be dealing with all this stress that comes along with what I really want? Why is it so hard to just be happy? I'm just so tired of the games and the stress that comes along with every time I have to say good-bye. Tired of every time I don't get to do something I want and every time I get mad because I can't be where I want to be. Tired of the hours spent longing and crying. Tired of trying to fake myself into thinking I'm happy but then turning around and figuring out just how miserable I really am. Is there really happiness associated with anything? I'm beginning to wonder if true happiness really exists. I don't know if I'll ever actually really find out...

Life...

2007-05-27T10:28:00.000-04:00

So I just figured I have a little bit of time to kill before I have to head out for the day...so here I am updating my blog. First...exciting news came out this past week. Carrie Underwood is coming back to the New York State Fair. It's actually very rare that an artist comes two years in a row. I don't think I remember a time when that actually happened. So...I'm planning on going again this year...and this time Rich actually said he'd go with me...I don't even have to drag him along. The concerts in August and tickets go on sale the end of June. I'm more then excited...lol. I don't know why but I'm just a fan of Carrie. *shrugs* it is what it is I suppose :) That was the good news for the week. This week and next week I am playing the part of "Editor" at the Telegram since our editors are each off for a week, starting this week and continuing next week. I'm nervous about it...it seems like a lot of work. I know it's good experience but I love to write and I won't be able to do much writing when I'm playing the Editor role. I'm sure after I do it more I'll get better at it, but right now I'm just a little nervous about the whole thing. I hope I don't screw up too much. Oh well, new things are always nerve racking at first. I'll keep you posted after I complete my first week of it. I'm an emotional person. Anyone that knows me probably already knows that. People who know me also know that I don't talk about my feelings very much. It's part of the "Middle Child Syndrome" I think. I would just get lost in the shuffle and soon realized that it wasn't worth trying to talk to anyone about what I was feeling. I shut down when I get upset. I curl up in my bed and sometimes just let it all out. Maybe it's not the most effective way, but from what I've been through, people just don't listen to me so it's not worth showing them that side of me. Sometimes I try. I'll talk to my older sis once in awhile, but she's always been someone I can talk to about anything from the family to guys to jobs. I don't get to talk to her as much anymore because she does live in Boston and her job and boyfriend keep her busy. I guess my point to all of this is that I am not a very vocal person when it comes to my feelings. And because of that all of my relationships seem to be twice as hard at times. :( It's just so easy to be able to be with the ones I love. Not so easy to share things...I'm working on that, and have gotten better at it...but the ones who need to know how I feel will...that's all that matters right now. And now I have to get ready to go out with Amanda and Anthony...a couple friends, so I'll keep ya posted :)

A Sunday night

2007-05-13T20:00:00.000-04:00

So I'm sitting here at 8 p.m. on Sunday with blue streaks in my hair and not much else to do. Curious? I figured. Well it's been a long time since I've done highlights and my roots were really grown in and I wanted to get it done again so my "hairdresser" my mom did the streaks for me. She's not really a hairdresser. Just plays the part when I want to do my highlights. I don't pay hundreds of dollars to get my done. I buy the herbal esscenses highlights, which works really well. I always get compliments from hairdressers who think it's professionally done, so I'll take it. Problem is I sit here for a half hour before I get to take a shower and I get bored. Anyway, it's Mother's Day and my mom had a good day I think...she got some things she wanted and then we had roast turkey in the crock pot, mashed potatoes, gravy and veggies. One thing about such a great meal is the clean-up...hate doing that part, but it's the price you have to pay for having a great meal. You also get some great leftovers, some of which I'll be taking to work tomorrow for lunch. Can't complain about that. I've also attracted another fun cold, for some reason the colds enjoy me. This is my second one in a few months, and even for me that's a lot. So was on the air for 6 hours yesterday with this fun cold, most people told me that I sounded good despite it, so that's good. Then I had to voicetrack for 10 1/2 hours and it took me nearly 4 to actually do it because I kept having coughing fits and had to take a break to regain my voice and soothe my throat again. What fun is that? Umm...yeah...none. I made it though and am feeling much better today. Still some throat and nose issues, but it could be worse. Friday my head felt like it was going to explode. I had lots of things I had wanted to do on Friday but it got put on the back burner. I went to work, got out early because I had to work Friday night, came home by noon and was passed out on the couch for 3 or so hours. Went out to eat with my parents then went back into work. Speaking of work...ugh...I'm so tired of these gas prices and having to travel so much with them this bad. In addition to that I'm so worn out being short a reporter and so much crap falling on my shoulders. Believe it or not I've started yet another job search. Don't know if anything's going to come of it but I would love to find something closer to home so I don't have to travel that much, and night things are just not easy for me anymore. That's one of the main reasons I left WIBX, that and wanting something full time. I'm tired of covering things at night. Plus I don't even break even in my paycheck with the amount I spend on gas, they pay NOTHING to workers who bust their ass keeping the paper going. Ok...gonna stop there 'cause I'm getting myself upset. Hmm...what else to say? I miss Rich...don't I always say that? That should tell me something...but it doesn't. I just wish we both didn't have to work so much so we could actually spend some "quality" time together. Wishful thinking I know...I'm 22...you know how many more years of working I have ahead of me? Maybe I should just win the lottery now and get it over with, or better yet just die...not as fun but would keep me from having to deal of this torture called full-time employment. By the way, it's May 13...that means exactly 4 months before my birthday, so you better start shopping for me...it's gonna take that long for you to find something that I'm going to like :) Anyway, I don't know if it's almost showertime, but I have nothing else to say and now I've depressed myself so I'm going to go cuddle up with my blankie and mope, that's always good for a Sunday.

Is it worth it?

2007-05-02T21:29:00.000-04:00

That question just keeps coming to my mind. I'm getting stressed and worked up about the littlest things. I'd tell people not to take it personally...but sometimes I wish some people would care a little more about what I want. It doesn't matter...it never matters. I'm the middle child, I should be used to not getting what I want. I used to always get lost in the shuffle and as I get older I begin to wonder if anything's really changed when it comes to that. Maybe it's all a matter of me needing to do something for myself for once. I always try to please everyone else, maybe I should start to say screw everyone else. I'll go into hiding for awhile and make people seek me out if they want anything from me. I'm so used to trying to please everyone, well I think that has to change. I can't physically, emotionally or mentally take that anymore. I'll go to work, come home and go to work again before bed, nothing else. It's not worth it anymore. That's the end of the story...

No title necessary for this one

2007-04-24T19:41:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had one of those days? You know the day I'm talking about...you keep waiting for something good to come out of the day and things just get worse and worse and soon you wonder if things could get any worse. Well I'm here to tell you things can always get worse. The bright spot in my day was getting an unexpected carnation which cheered me up for a little bit. It came from an unexpected source...tomorrow Lite 98.7 is recognizing working women, so I got a carnation. At least for a little bit I felt appreciated by someone. It's nearly 8 p.m. and I just sit here like a bump on a log and like a pathetic person hoping something good will come out of the day. It's like waiting for snow in August in my opinion. Lately I seem to be having more bad days then good. I get irritated with my Editor at work who always expects me to go out and get pictures he needs...damn get someone else to do it sometimes, I have work to do in the office at times too. To top it off I've been suffering a freaking headache for two straight days now. I'm wondering if it's either a sinus or stress headache. I know when I get really stressed I get a headache and it won't go away until some sort of relief comes. That ain't gonna happen anytime soon...I don't only stress about work...there's always family and...well...other things too. I don't want to talk about it anymore, I'll just get irritated again. I think I need time away from EVERYTHING. I need to do something for me, but by the time I get out of work I never feel like doing something for myself or by myself. I usually unwind by sitting on my computer and chatting...but looky here...no one's here...so I feel lost and don't know what to do with myself. I think I better stop now before I get upset...so until next time...if I make it there...

Why the hell is it so hard to get what I want?

2007-04-19T15:18:00.000-04:00

So this week has been long and I have been very tired. The only thing I was looking forward to was the weekend...well I still look forward to the dance night Friday night...now I don't give two shits about the weekend. So why the hell is it so hard for me to get what I want lately? So is it really worth it? I'm beginning to wonder...

So what is there really to say?

2007-04-17T21:06:00.000-04:00

I know I haven't updated in awhile. Been kinda busy doing something called work. I know...very depressing I must say. Also been dealing with something called snow...ugh...it's April already, we should be done with this!! Anyway...been a lot going on here. A local police officer was gunned down in the line of duty last week and I've covered press conferences and done stories on it. This is the second local officer to be killed in the line of duty in a little over a year and I had to cover both of them and it is so hard to stay impartial and write like a journalist is supposed to. Then with everything happening at Virginia Tech, I've been following up on that and finding out local links to that. It's been busy, which is good, but tiring and it all eventually takes a toll on me, mentally and emotionally anyway. Lately I feel mentally drained. Nothing seems to matter anymore. Emotionally I just don't know that I can keep dealing with some of this. It's so sad and it's the responsbility of a journalist to remain impartial and report on the facts without any emotion creeping in. I've talked to some ex-journalists who said they got out of the field because of what I'm describing. They say they mentally burned out because of things like this. I don't want to do that because I seriously love what I'm doing. As for the station...I'm not even going to go into that right now. Do I still like it? Of course...I just have some things I need to think about when it comes to that. I guess that's all for now...I have some thinking to do...

So yeah...

2007-04-01T07:51:00.000-04:00

So I'm sitting here at 7:51 a.m. wondering why the hell I'm up so early. It's not as odd as it use to be. I get up at 5 every morning so it's rare for me to sleep past 7 or 8 on the weekends anymore. But I didn't go to bed until almost 2 a.m...you do the math. Let me add that my nose is running, my throat hurts, my head is throbbing even my ears are beginning to hurt...yesterday all this started and I thought it was allergies because the pollen count is very high and it was 55 or so outside. But today...I'm convinced I am subject to another fun spring cold. I can barely talk, which is going to make on-air work this week very fun for me. You see, one of the few jobs where losing your voice or having a cold would seriously affect you. I just took some cold medicine and some tylenol for my head...I have a box of tissues to my right and a cup of nice hot coffee to my left. After the coffee is done I'm going to take a nice warm shower and try to get ready for the day since I have to head out to Little Falls around noon to cover an event for the paper. Sleeping was a disaster for me last night. There were spurts when I got nice and comfy and slept very well, but most of the time I woke up every half hour to either drink water or move around because my nose was running. I hate sleeping when I have a cold...I never actually sleep. In turn that makes me very grumpy and irritable and just not in a great mood. I'm not in a horrible mood yet though. I got to wake up next to Rich which in itself can put anyone in a good mood...lol. Also I'm looking forward to my parents coming home today. They went out of town for the weekend to go to a youth convention for church. You might think I'm crazy for wanting them to come home, but as much as they can annoy me at times, the house is very quiet without them home. So what's coming up for me this week? Hopefully another good week like last week. Won't be as good because I don't get to see Rich everyday...but he's working up here Monday and Friday so I'll probably get to see him a couple days. uh oh...coffee's almost gone, guess that means it's shower time then time for another cup of coffee...wish I could stay home all day, curl up in a ball on the couch and sleep. That's probably what I need to feel better. But hopefully I'm not at this event too long today and I can come home and do just that. *crosses fingers* Anyway...I'll try to keep you updated on the progress of this cold and see how well my immune system does at fighting it away...it's kinda doing a crappy job now. Until next time...

Ugh...

2007-03-27T16:32:00.000-04:00

So I was told by someone that I haven't posted a new blog entry lately...so I should end it here right? lol...ok...I do have a few things on my mind guess I can make something up. As of next week I'll have been working full time for 2 months. That's 8 weeks of Monday through Friday 7-4 (or around there depending on what events I have at night.) So what has it been like? Tiring and trying at times but for the most part I've enjoyed it. I am also now the official overnight voicetracker at Lite...which I think is going to be good and bad to some extent. Good because I'm at the station everyday keeping my prescence up and I'm on the air everyday, which is the true test to see if I'm ready for something full time in radio. Bad though for a few reasons...when I have night meetings it's a really long day for me...I work 7-1, then have to go to the station to do the voicetracking, then come home and eat and go to whatever event I have...so I'm on the run until about 9 or 9:30 at night. It's a long day. When I work a typical 7-4 day I never feel like going back into the station after sitting at home for awhile, but there's no pressure then, I can go in as late as I want and as long as it's done it doesn't matter. Plus I love it...guess that's the bottom line :) Lately my parents have really been getting on my nerves. Usually I get along with my mom and dad just fine...but my mom always seems to find a way to get upset at me or to blame something on me. My sister's flunking out of college but something about that must be my fault...did I mention I hate being a middle child? Even after my older sister left and I became the oldest in the house...something was always blamed on me. I don't know...I just usually try to ignore it all and go about my daily business and ignore all the drama surrounding me at home. My weeks are long and drama packed lately which kind of makes me not as happy as I should be...which a few people have pointed out to me lately. Bottom line...I need a vacation. LOL. Guess that's not the real bottom line. I'm just taking it week by week right now and making it through. I keep very busy which is good because it takes my mind off other things sometimes. But anyway...here's my new post...happy now? :-)

So here we are...

2007-03-11T19:42:00.000-04:00

So here it's March 11 and daylight savings time started 3 weeks early much to my dismay. For one I stay until midnight at the station anyway...so losing an hour of sleep is never easy for me. But this time it was even worse and I was exhausted in the morning. So came home from church and took a 2 1/2 hour nap which doesn't happen very often anymore but I was out which is what I needed I guess. So anyway, this post is going to kinda go all over the place 'cause a lot of things on my mind lately. So bare with me and enjoy I guess...lol. First a note to everyone looking to go to a movie. Definitely go see Wild Hogs!! The funniest movie I have seen in a hell of a long time!! I haven't been to a movie in a long time for a couple reasons. One...I never seem to have time. And Two...not many movies are worth $8 a person to see. But Rich and I spent the weekend together so we decided to go to a movie and we were both happy to find that Wild Hogs was definitely worth the money!! Moving on to subject number two. As I mentioned before I got to spend the weekend with Rich. *sigh* makes me spoiled when I get to do that. Not that I'm complaining about it. But then he has to get up early to go pick up his daughter and then get back home to go to work, it sucks. Of course it always sucks when he has to leave, but when I've gotten to spend a weekend with him outside of work it becomes even harder. I do get to see him Wednesday of this week though because he'll be up here working on Lite so at least I don't have to go a full week without getting to see him. And even better...Thursday is our anniversary :) hehe...yeah a year...who would have thought right? Enough said on that... Next wanted to share a poem since it's been awhile since I've done that. This one is from a few years ago. I wrote it for a church homecoming and came across it a few days ago, so let me know what you think and enjoy!! :)

Home

Home is where the fire glows

and keeps us warm at night

Home is where the friends we've made

help us feel alright

Home is where a candle burns

whenever you're away

Home is knowing you'll return

and never lose your way

Home is where the day's misfortunes

find unwelcome hosts

Home is where we learn to value

each other's feelings most

Home is where the heart beats slowly

putting us at ease

Home is where the children wanting

always first say please

Home is wehre the siblings play

and learn to share and give

Home is where the parents learn

the new role they must live

Home is where the budget stands

and fights inflation's pace

Home is where the paycheck finds

its destined resting place

Home is where our children mimic

all we do and say

Home is where we can't get angry

when we don't get our way

Home is where romances finds it

sometimes has to wait

Home is knowing other times

don't always come so late

Home is where we run for shelter

when we need it most

Home is where the air's conditioned

by the Holy Ghost

Home is like a bank account

with Internet paid each day

Home is where an early withdrawal

penalty is paid

Home is where the Lord is watching

giving us much light

Home is where Love rules supreme

forgiving when we fight

Home is where the good and bad

are shared with equal will

Home is where there's so much to give

we always get our fill

Home is where you and I

will learn and Lovve and Give

Home is where our love will last

much longer than we live

Home is not just a place with walls

where everything should fit

Home is a torch we pass along

for our children to keep lit

New Month...Not so New Point of View

2007-03-04T14:25:00.000-05:00

So my guess is that 99.9% of people reading this have a myspace account, am I right? When did you start your myspace? Was it when the site first got off the ground? Or were you like me and only heard about it because some of your friends or co-workers started to use it and then jumped on the band wagon? Or maybe you just joined because you were bored one day. Either way, you jumped on the myspace trend. Are you measured in real life by how many friends you have on myspace? If you're not a teenager, then probably it doesn't make a difference how many friends you have on your myspace. Some of you might not know this, but many teenagers are rated "cool" and "uncool" by peers by how many friends they have on their myspace. The more friends, the "cooler" you must be. What kind of message does this send to kids? On the same line of things, kids can delete their "friends" off of myspace if they have an argument, can you delete friends in real life? Real life confrontations consist of talking things out and figuring out what can be done to improve or repair an existing friendship. Friendships are not easy, they take work by all individuals involved. Children are getting the idea that it's ok to just delete a life-long friendship because hey they have 100 more friends on myspace...well isn't that just ducky to know? I've had my share of confrontations with friends, most of the time we've worked through them and at least remained friends...a few broken ones here or there because of stupid things, but even those people that I stopped talking to for many years are still my "friends" on myspace. We even talk now. That's my reason for using myspace. I have existing real life friends on there, along with friends I went to school with and we lost touch, along with co-workers (past and present), and some family members. I won't delete friends and I won't just add anyone that sends me a friend request. I screen them...you might think this makes me paranoid...but I'd rather be paranoid then end up like some teens. Takes me to my next subject. Sexual predators know exactly where to go. Myspace. Myspace has implemented this new system where most everyone under the age of 18 has their profiles automatically made private...unless you or a "friend" of the person. Sure, it may seem like Myspace is doing its job of preventing sexual predators from gaining access to our children, what I have to say is...yeah right!! The teens add these predators as their friend after they get a friend request because after all "it's cool to have a lot of friends on myspace." Bingo...now whoever it is has full access to this teen's profile and they talk and they gain the persons trust and hey..."let's meet somewhere to get to know each other." Obviously I was a teenager once and I know the feeling some teens need to be accepted. They want a boyfriend/girlfriend, they want to feel that love, they want someone to understand and accept them, maybe they are a middle child, like me, and went through middle child syndrome and just wanted to get away from it all for a little bit. Difference with me...we never had myspace. So teens go and meet this "perfect person" and then you hear it on the news...another child either molested/kidnapped/killed because of it. That's when I shake my head and wonder what this world has come to. I won't lie. I've gone out with people I've met over the Internet. I've only done it twice. The first time I brought a friend with me. It was just weird that first time...I was probably a sophomore in high school at the time. The second time I went alone and had an ok time...but it just was awkward and not right. The second one was a nice guy and we still stay in touch and are even friends on myspace...but after that I figured out I really needed to meet someone in real life first and get to know that person that way. But sometimes, if you're as shy as me, meeting people online is much easier because you can really talk and get to know each other. I honestly don't think I'd do it again though. In my opinion, relationships are much more fulfilling and have more substance if you meet someone in person and if you can surpass that first month or so of awkwardness, you can open up a little more and relax and it's just easier. Don't get me wrong either, some people meet their "soul-mates" (if there is such a thing) on the internet and end up marrying them and many actually stay together. Good for them...but when it comes to our children, shouldn't we be protecting them? Let me tell you a story...I was over at my aunts house last week and we were talking about myspace. One of my aunt's friends daughters used myspace and her parents weren't that thrilled about it, so they decided to block the site at the house. Good idea, right? Well...her daughter came home one day and told her mom that she got to use myspace at school...well obviously her mom was fumed. I was always under the impression, myspace was blocked at schools. I know this happejust ned awhile ago according to my aunt, so maybe they hadn't blocked it yet, but this is something that parents should have the absolute right of restricting to their kids. If my 13-year-old daughter (no I don't actually have one--it's just an example) came home one day and said all her friends were using myspace and she wanted to also, I would sit her down and explain why she couldn't and the consequences of using it. Parents don't seem to have the right amount of time to sit down with their children and talk to them about what could happen if they did certain things. I realize peer preasure is a much bigger influence then parents, but they might actually remember what you said at one point and respect what you said because believe it or not...kids want to have their parents proud of them... Let me know if you agree with my point of view and stay tuned for more rants coming soon...

Umm...yeah...sure...

2007-02-22T19:59:00.000-05:00

Ok...so I haven't exactly been checking in lately. I have been totally and completely out of it the past few weeks. I've been exhausted still trying to get used to the new job. Almost done with my 3rd week of the job...and it's been kinda stressful to say the least. First I'll start out by saying last week was rough. We have over 3 feet of snow on the ground which caused me to miss work Wednesday of last week. I couldn't even get out of the driveway, I stayed home and shoveled 5 or 6 times that day and killed my back...so I wasn't happy. Now this week has just dragged on and on. I don't know what it is, but I have had a very short string of patience lately. Everything irritates me and I hate that. Then I shut down...or cry myself to sleep. I just hope it gets better in the next few weeks. Don't know what else to say other then that. I'm getting into the swing of things and having at least one by-line a day usually. So I'll be ok...just have to get used to how things work and stop getting so upset all the time. It'll happen I'm sure...anyway, until next time...

My First Day

2007-02-05T20:29:00.000-05:00

So I started my job today at the Herkimer Evening Telegram. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The only thing that I'm not used to is getting up at 5 in the morning. That made me kinda tired today. But I got there at 7 in the morning and started by writing up some community events and such. Then I started on 2 stories that I would have a byline on. Made some phone calls and left some messages. That's the problem with reporting...if you don't get ahold of someone you have to leave messages and it's in their hands when they'll call you back. The morning went by really fast. We had a meeting around 11 and decided who was covering what night meetings. They still aren't set in stone though. I took my lunch around 12 and then the afternoon started to drag. No one was calling me back, I take that back...I did get one call back and did an interview for a story. So I talked to 2 people and did 2 interviews, one for each of my stories. Tried to get ahold of 2 other people...one who was on vacation until next Monday, tthe other who I left a message on their machine and they never called me back. So the afternoon dragged...until about 3 when I started keying in some more community events and such just so I had something to do. I think the worst part of the day was when I had to drive home. It had been snowing all day and the wind was blowing like crazy. It was 20 below with the windchill almost all day. I had to travel from Herkimer back to Utica...took me 15 minutes longer then usual...which actually in reality wasn't that bad. I made it, and once I got home I was just relieved to have made it back. Figures I start working when the snow decides to make an apperance. Lucky me. I'll just take my time and not kill myself trying to get to and from work. So came home, talked to Rich for a little bit, ate dinner and fun stuff like that. Rich had to leave for work around 6...and I literally collapsed. Slept until 7:30 or so. Getting used to this 5 o'clock in the morning thing is gonna take a little while. I'll probably be in bed in an hour or so. Gonna sleep well I think for another day at work tomorrow. I'm gonna try to go to the gym tomorrow I think...but it really depends on how I feel and how the roads are and such. Anyway...I was bored without Rich here to talk to...so thought I'd give an update on the first day of my full time working career. Soon you'll see my byline!! It'll be exciting!! lol...anyway, be back in a few days probably. Have a great week!

One More Week

2007-01-29T16:32:00.000-05:00

So I officially have one more week until I start working full time. I'm excited for a few reasons. One I know I'll have a steady income coming in. Two I won't be bored during the day anymore, which lately I have been because I have nothing to do. Like tonight I was granted the night off, might be nice...but I've been bored all day...what am I gonna do tonight but be bored? I'm also nervous about doing something new. But the guy I've been talking to seems nice, so that's half the battle I guess. Anyway...one week to go...that's it...

Just some things

2007-01-23T14:55:00.000-05:00

I've been bored the past few days...not doing much but sitting around...and if you know me, you know I hate doing that. I'm sure I'll miss it once I start this job and am never home anymore. But I've been so bored I wanted to share some new poems with you. Let me know what you think...and be honest!! Love Is A Touch Love is a touch, a gentle embrace A smile, a laugh, a simple grace Love is soft skin upon your own Love is never being alone Love is patient, Love is pure Love is one thing I know for sure Love keeps us close, my friends and I Love never ends, though we may die Love is a tear, shed without hate Love is a heartbeat, felt too late Love is a feather from an angel's wing Love is the means by which we sing Love is wind, Love is rain It is truth, faith, hope and pain Love is blind, Love has no bound Love is silence, Love is sound Love is you, Love is me Love is one small word - we Love is my blind faith in you Love is a word best felt by two Thinking About You I can't stop thinking about you Wondering if you think of me too I can't stop thinking of your lips How soft they are between mine I can't stop imagining your hands As they caress my every hair and limb I can't stop thinking of your face How I love it and it thanks me in return I can't stop thinking of your voice As sexy as the body it possesses I can't stop feeling your touch all over me My temperature rises and emotions explode I can't stop thinking of how much I want you How much I need you No matter what I do I can't stop thinking about you Longing I long tofeel the warmth of your skin You hand, reaching for mine I get lost in the tenderness of your touch Your caress ignites my senses, and softly whispers, I Love You. I long to see the glow in your eyes, Your stare, connecting with mine. I get lost in the boundless depths of your soul Your gaze frees my spirit, and softly whispers, I Love You. I long to taste the sweetness of your kiss, Your lips, gently brushing mine. I get lost in the intensity of your emotions Your passion captures my heart, and softly whispers, I Love You.

Landed It

2007-01-21T16:19:00.000-05:00

So I didn't post about my job interviews like I had promised. Sorry about that...been pretty busy. The Herkimer Interview went well. I had to do a writing test, which I thought was pretty easy. The OD Interview was the one that I loved. They are starting to go more high-tech and have been having reporters shoot some footage and learn to edit it using Avid. Things I all did in H-Triple-C...and would love to put my Radio/TV experience with my Journalism experience. Two days after my interview at Herkimer I got a call from the guy I met with...he offered me the position. So I had some thinking to do. I talked to the guy from the OD and he told me to take the position at the Herkimer Evening Telegram and get the experience behind me, and he would stay in touch with me about possible positions with the OD. So even if it's 6 months down the line...maybe eventually I'll work at the OD. So I took the position in Herkimer. As of Feb. 5 I will be a full-time reporter. Never thought I would be doing the reporting full time. Should be interesting. I'm kind of nervous and anxious, but after a few weeks I'm sure I'll be more comfortable with my position. I just hope I love doing it full-time. We'll see. So tomorrow I'm heading on into the station to give my notice to WIBX and to talk to my boss for Lite. I already told him I got the position, so he wanted to talk to me more about it. Bottom line...I'm excited to be finally doing something full time, but at the same time this new chapter of my life brings some concerns and more stress...things I won't go into this time...maybe later. We'll see what happens and I'll keep you posted.

Full Time

2007-01-14T19:44:00.000-05:00

So I've been looking for a full time job as most of you know. Radio is not the easiest business to get anything full time in...so I went to the Reporting end of things. Working at WIBX has really opened me up to the possibility of doing that full time. I applied to 3 different newspapers for full time positions hoping that something would come out. Out of the 3, I got 2 calls and therefore have 2 interviews lined up for Monday and Tuesday of this week. I'm excited but nervous. I just hope something can come out of it so I can start doing this full time thing and making enough to pay my bills. Problem is it would take time away from being able to go see Rich. I know, not the end of the world, but I just miss being able to be with him. After 2 days of being able to be with him...it hurts when I can't. I would have to cut back at the station...but for a full time job I'm willing to do that. I'll probably be posting both tomorrow and Tuesday to let you know how the interviews go. Anyway, that's it for this time...catch ya on the flip side...

Winter Finally?

2007-01-10T11:17:00.000-05:00

Wow...so for the past couple of weeks we in Central New York and up and down the East coast have been having 50 or 60 degree weather...which is record breaking weather. It's January...and normally we have had tons of snow by now...we had a green Christmas and New Years, barely making an inch here or an inch there before melting. Instead, it seems that Colorado and those places to the West have been getting the snow we should be having. Enter in...yesterday. The forecast was calling for 2 to 7 inches in our area, and places North and South anywhere from 10 to 18 inches. Well I think we only got a couple inches around here. But it looks so peaceful when it snows!! That's the only good thing about snow and winter in my opinion. I've been spoiled with the weather we've been having...now it's in the 20's with snow on the ground and snow still coming down. But again, it's supposed to be in the 40's this weekend...so I have a feeling most of it is going to melt anyway. The pictures here are what it loos like outside the house right now. It's pretty, and the streets actually look not too bad, which is good since I have to go out soon. Anway, long story short...we've lucked out this winter...guess it's time for the white stuff to fall...only a few months left of winter!!

So What's The Deal?

2007-01-07T16:15:00.000-05:00

So you ever watch the show Deal or No Deal? Good show...I love to see people lose...I know I'm mean, but I think it's funny that they get so greedy and then the bank offer goes down to like $800 or something...it's great. Well this post...has nothing to do with that show...it was just on my mind so thought I would put it out there...it's my blog...I can do that if I want...lol. Anyways, I didn't work much last week because being a holiday week there wasn't much going on at night so I got 3 days off in a row, and I was bored out of my mind. Although, being off, I did get 4 resumes and cover letters out looking for a full time job...these were all in journalism or television. We'll see what happens with them. Also last week I was not able to get to sleep very easily...I have no idea why...but I had to take Benadryl or I couldn't sleep...I wonder if it's stress. As I mentioned before I take in just enough money to pay my bills...could the stress behind that be keeping me up at night? I do know that I generally have trouble sleeping when I am under a lot of stress. Usually when I'm tired of working...this was different though. I just laid in bed, tossed and turned for 2 hours or so and stuff just ran through my head. Lots of stuff...nothing inparticular. I just couldn't get my brain to stop thinking...and I know that's what keeps me up. I just wonder why? I don't know...all I do know is it really sucks. This week I'm just looking forward to Friday...I need time away, with Rich and Terry and not thinking about anything pertaining to work for a day. Is that possible? Probably not...but I'm hoping I can make it work. Maybe that's my problem also. I don't spend enough time doing stuff I wanna do. I stay at home and clean, do laundry, run errands, I don't get to do anything FOR me. Maybe I need to work on doing that more often. Going to a movie, or out to see Rich, or shopping with the money I don't have. Just an observation on my part...is it possible? Probably not...I don't have enough time in a day to do "me" stuff. I do go to the gym every other day or so...and I do enjoy that and feel better after working out...I think I need to make a special effort at least once a week to do something for me. I'll let you know how bad that fails coming up. Hope you have a great week...and since I can't...go do something for yourself this week!!

New Year

2007-01-01T00:19:00.000-05:00

So I haven't checked in in a month...and that's a long time for me. I've tried to check in at least every week...but lately work has had me hectic as ever. With the holidays, full timers of course are always off and that leaves us part time workers working more than ever...doing live shifts, voicetracking, writing news stories...seems like it's never ending sometimes. But now it is 12:20 in the morning on New Years Day. So first and foremost Happy New Year and I hope your 2007 is everything you hope it to be. Hope you make and keep your resolutions, whatever they may be. What were you doing at midnight? Partying with friends, at Times Square to watch the ball drop, in a hot tub drinking wine? The last one is what I was doing at midnight with my family. Yes we are insane...especially since it was FREEZING RAIN out...and my God it was cold!! We started the tradition last year and this year had my sister and her boyfriend home to join in the festivities...to top it off we were listening to my voicetracks on the radio...it was a good way to kick off the new year. Although...I was a little upset I didn't get to spend it with Rich, but when distance is an issue there's not much you can do about it. I make do and spend it with family and friends. So 2007...my main goal is to find a full time job. I can't keep paying my bills if I don't get either a full time job or a fourth part time job. I'm so freaking stressed about it too after counting my expenses this past month and what I actually made in relation to that...I'm getting kind of worried that I'm not going to be able to make it. Then what do I do? Another goal (yes I don't call them resolutions...goal is a more realistic term) is to lose weight...I'll continue at the gym and keep trying to watch what I eat...hopefully it'll pay off...I notice a difference when I work out and it makes me feel better about myself...so gonna try to keep that up this year. Moving on to IBX...I'm getting some positive praise from co-workers and my boss...but I just don't have fun there anymore. Not that every job should be fun...but writing for me always used to be fun...now I'm getting to not like doing it much...reason for not posting much lately. I hate that I'm starting to hate what I love. I used to write poems and short stories and fiction all the time...now I can't get the motivation because I have to do it on a daily basis. To me...that's not good. Hence the reason I really need to get a full time job...spending almost 7 days at the stations for relatively low pay is really wearing me out and starting to irritate me. What can I do though? Anyway...HAPPY NEW YEAR!! It's 2007 live it up...enjoy it...

Here Again...

2006-11-28T21:10:00.000-05:00

So I finally show my face around here again. Was going to check in last week, but work kept me very busy...among other things. So hope you had a great Thanksgiving and was able to spend it with the ones you love. Just a few updates...I worked a lot. Was on the air Wednesday and Thursday filling in for vacationing people over the holidays. Friday I went out for WIBX on Black Friday to cover shopping. Was out at the mall at 4:30 in the morning...yes...I was insane!! Traffic was nearly impossible to navigate around 6. The plus side is, I did 6 live remotes for WIBX and everyone that had heard them said I sounded great...so I think that's good that my boss now knows I can do it. Maybe I'll get more on air work because of that. Not thinking it'll happen, but I can wish can't I? I actually had a conversation with my boss over at Lite about a few things. In a nutshell, it was about me not getting the hours when people took days off...and you can say that it's not up to me whether I get the hours or not...it's up to my boss...and trust me I know that. I was irritated and kind of upset that back in September he told me that I would get any extra hours that became available...and then a few weeks ago I didn't get them...so yes I was upset. I think we're ok now though, I think we came to an understanding, and we're still speaking to each other which is good. I don't like having to confront a boss, but I thought it should be out in the open. So that's that for the time being. I'm going on a mini-vacation this weekend and I really can't wait! I don't get to see Rich for two weeks which is going to literally kill me...but I need to get out of this place for a little while. So that's the update for the time being...nothing else to report on for a little bit...until next time...see ya!!